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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child relationship is ‘secret’ and there is a big age gap...should I care?

255 replies

Elbad · 08/11/2019 10:51

I hope you are all going to tell me I am definitely being unreasonable and/or overreacting/being overprotective.

My child is 21 and dating a nearly 40 year old. They are keeping this a secret as it will impact adversely his (boyfriends) work. I did a bit of digging as I wasn’t happy about the age gap…primarily because my child is quite inexperienced, and the need to keep it on the lowdown. This is a first relationship scenario for my wee one other than some very casual dating with a friend that didn’t work out about two years ago.

There seems to be a bit of a history of younger partners. One was just 17 when he was 34-35ish.

I don’t know if it’s just me and I shouldn’t be so squeamish. I do appreciate age differences aren’t a biggie but I always thought that it was more appropriate for older people and not very young adults and grown men. Throw in a level of innocence and inexperience and it just seems a bit grim.

Tell me I am being a ninny?

OP posts:
obviously · 08/11/2019 21:06

@getthroughthisgrrrrr

OP clarified that she is talking about her DAUGHTER. Hours ago.

Ragwort · 08/11/2019 21:19

choli I would have said the same at 21, when I was involved in totally unsuitable relationships, clearly being impressed by older ‘powerful’’ men (actually one was an MP, totally manipulative & only interested in sex with a younger woman), I look back at my younger days & cringe at my naivety ... but crack on, if you genuinely think a 20 year age gap is acceptable Hmm.

Agree with Gin, I am parent to an 18 year old (legally an adult) & would be concerned if they had a relationship with a 20 year age gap.

hairyturkey · 08/11/2019 21:28

I've two friends who got with their partners at those exact ages and they're very happy.

I'd be more concerned about the secrecy? What's that all about?

obviously · 08/11/2019 21:41

@Ragwort

I have a 20 year age gap and it's and insignificant part of my relationship.

JenniR29 · 08/11/2019 21:49

One was just 17 when he was 34-35 ish

This sentence made me distinctly uncomfortable.

Ginfordinner · 08/11/2019 21:54

obviously I wanted the point of view of parents of DC in a relationship with a much older person, not the experience of those who are already in a successful relationship.

Of course there is a significant minority of relationships with large age gaps that work, but clearly it is still seen as unusual and concerning otherwise the OP wouldn't have started this thread.

Also, as the boyfriend is much more experienced than her DD, who she admits is quite inexperienced it shouldn't be difficult to understand why the OP is worried about the relationship.

Plus the secrecy thing is very much a red flag.

VenusTiger · 08/11/2019 22:02

Why are you calling your 21 year old daughter a child!?
She is an adult and so is her boyfriend. If she were 16 and him 35 then that would be disgusting but she’s a fully grown adult OP. I think with your info that she is not experienced you are suggesting she is vulnerable?

obviously · 08/11/2019 22:10

@Ginfordinner

I was replying to ragwort specifically with the comment you have quoted. I also wasn't suggesting this particular relationship was ok.

Dollywilde · 08/11/2019 22:35

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

Actually, we both stayed working there. I was doing secretarial work while training to become a lawyer at night school (had just graduated with a first from a RG) so thanks for the assumptions but I have a lovely career now and we both have great lives. I completely get why people are worried about grooming but in my scenario it really wasn’t. I’m just trying to present a balanced view.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 08/11/2019 23:21

Actually, we both stayed working there.

Good, though I still think you were naive about the relative strength of your position and you were probably both wrong about whose job would really have been on the line if push had ever come to shove. Put it this way - I've heard of a quite a few women in junior positions leaving the company at the end of an affair, but I've not often heard of a man in a more senior role doing the same. Anyway, luckily it didn't come to that.

I'm not sure what other assumptions you think I'm making. I didn't say anything about "grooming".

Dollywilde · 08/11/2019 23:33

Sorry, I wasn’t clear - others have expressed those concerns. I was just explaining why I shared the anecdote.

Re my ‘strength’ in position, I’ll acknowledge that pre #metoo we were in a surprisingly forward thinking firm for our industry, but I genuinely do think if I’d gone to HR and said I’d been exploited (not that I was) he’d have been in real shit.

NewName54321 · 08/11/2019 23:46

I'd be asking are they really keeping the relationship secret because it will impact the older partner's work (unlikely if the age-gap is the only issue, so he's not her manager or in a worker/client type role) - or is he actually already in another relationship?

timeisnotaline · 09/11/2019 00:26

I have gotten confused about the relationship reading the thread. If same sex I’d understand the secrecy for the partners work a bit more, unfortunate but true. I would however say to my child that I , like any parent, would love to see my child with someone who is proud to be seen with them and known to be their partner.
If not same sex then I struggle to understand the secrecy and would say the above with perhaps suggesting there should be a time frame on the current approach.
Either way I’d communicate that I will always support them.
Totally ok with calling a 21 year old my child!!

CircleofWillis · 09/11/2019 00:30

I am even more confused now OP. So your offspring is non-binary, a trans woman or a trans man? That is the only reason I can think of as to why you have been so mysterious about their sex. If so that is relevant to your question as it might be affecting the secrecy aspect of the relationship for the boyfriend.

You started off being non specific about their sex but slipped up when you wrote about 'his boyfriend' in your OP, then thanked PPs for telling you that in same sex relationships the age gap is more common and then decided to reveal that your offspring is a woman. None of this makes sense and there was really no point to all of your verbal contortions unless they are transgender.

Awaywiththepiskies · 09/11/2019 01:18

she specified his gender in the OP

No, she really really didn’t. Whatever has been said subsequently. The “he” refers to the boyfriend in every instance in the 1st post.

CircleofWillis · 09/11/2019 02:09

Ok I have just realised I might have misinterpreted the 'his (boyfriends)' part as 'his boyfriend's'.

jellycatspyjamas · 09/11/2019 04:08

We had a very similar issue with DD who took up with a 31 year old when she was 16. Awful man. She moved in with him on her 18th birthday and it lasted another 6 months before the scales fell from her eyes and she realised she was being abused. He had got more and more controlling, stopping her going to college or seeing friends or family (major jealousy issues). One day she rang me asking me to help her move out quickly whilst he was at work. Within 2 weeks he'd taken up with another 16 year old. Grim bastard.
Can we’ve really clear that laws in relation to grooming and sexual exploitation apply up until the age of 18 irrespective of the age of consent - this man wasn’t a “grim bastard” he was a serial sex offender grooming young girls into abusive relationships.

Fairenuff · 09/11/2019 08:24

The fact that at 39 year old man is trying to keep his 21 year old girlfriend a secret is a red flag.

That's what this all boils down to and why OP's spidey senses are tingling.

OP is right, there is something suspicious about him.

habipprtyh · 09/11/2019 08:54

*The fact that at 39 year old man is trying to keep his 21 year old girlfriend a secret is a red flag.
**
*That's what this all boils down to and why OP's spidey senses are tingling.

OP is right, there is something suspicious about him.

OP knows what this is. OP just isn't willing to tell us, which is every bit as weird as the big gender secret.

worriedmumtoteen · 09/11/2019 09:05

They are keeping this a secret as it will impact adversely his (boyfriends) work

Ah, sorry. I read this as meaning 'my son's boyfriend' not the 'his' relating to 'my dc's boyfriend'.

My advice still stands though. A man who is repeatedly and only attracted to women who are half his age? Why? What's lacking in him? What's he chasing? Eternal youth? Someone to control?

There's a major power imbalance between them in terms of money, experience etc. Maybe not a healthy dynamic.

priceofprogress · 09/11/2019 10:06

You started off being non specific about their sex but slipped up when you wrote about 'his boyfriend' in your OP

She really didn’t slip up, CircleofWillis. Read it again. She wrote ‘his (boyfriends) work’. There was absolutely no specifying of gender or ‘slipping up’ in the OP.

OP it’s a shame your thread has been derailed by the vast number of posters who have no reading comprehension. Bet you wish you’d just made it clear your child is female from the off now!

priceofprogress · 09/11/2019 10:07

Are we just discovering that there’s a section of the population who can’t actually see brackets in written communication? Could be a good research topic for English or linguistics students!

CircleofWillis · 09/11/2019 11:47

Price great idea we could combine it with research on people who skip over posts and miss pertinent information such as me correcting myself and apologizing two posts after the one you read 😁.

CircleofWillis · 09/11/2019 11:51

Actually I didn't apologize.

Sorry for suggesting you had 'slipped up' OP, thereby implying you were trying to mislead in some way!

ZandathePanda · 09/11/2019 12:14

Sounds a bit like a Leo DiCaprio scenario.