Child relationship is ‘secret’ and there is a big age gap...should I care?

[Elbad]

I hope you are all going to tell me I am definitely being unreasonable and/or overreacting/being overprotective.

My child is 21 and dating a nearly 40 year old. They are keeping this a secret as it will impact adversely his (boyfriends) work. I did a bit of digging as I wasn’t happy about the age gap…primarily because my child is quite inexperienced, and the need to keep it on the lowdown. This is a first relationship scenario for my wee one other than some very casual dating with a friend that didn’t work out about two years ago.

There seems to be a bit of a history of younger partners. One was just 17 when he was 34-35ish.

I don’t know if it’s just me and I shouldn’t be so squeamish. I do appreciate age differences aren’t a biggie but I always thought that it was more appropriate for older people and not very young adults and grown men. Throw in a level of innocence and inexperience and it just seems a bit grim.

Tell me I am being a ninny?

I'm not convinced that large age gaps are more common than the norm in the gay community. Men, possibly, but I don't think women.

I was in a secret age gap relationship like this when younger and it turned abusive: emotionally and physically. I'd be extremely concerned.

I would worry. But your child is 21 and has to make their own decisions. Do you have a good relationship with your DC? If so can you talk to them and find out more about this relationship and the man?

I'd be wary, but not outwardly. Keep an eye out for controlling behaviour and be ready to support. But there may be nothing to worry about. I was with a much older man for 4yrs at 18. I had a nice time, it just fizzled out. He had young exes too - he was just immature really, no interest in controlling or abusing but also no interest in growing up or progressing in life!

My friend is in an age gap relationship too, has been for years and they have a family now.

Possibly the only good thing my parents ever did was to be very, very nice to my most unsuitable boyfriends. They invited them round, included them in the family torturefest that was Christmas, remembered their birthdays, the works.
This had the dual effect of making it more difficult for the boyfriends to isolate me (and at least one did try) and also to make them seem less exciting to me. Secrecy can be very binding, and it can easily keep a bad relationship going because it's "us against the world".
I don't think keeping his sexual tastes secret from his employers or colleagues is a bad thing. If he would rather keep the two areas of his life private then that's fine. But what about his friends and family? Have you met him?

I wouldn’t necessarily worry about the age gap in itself. My first and only relationship involved a large age gap. The power imbalance was definitely in my favour due to personality types/needs. It wouldn’t be fair to assume that he’s going to be more emotionally independent because he’s older or that inexperience equates to weakness in character.

However the fact that he wants to keep it secret is deeply concerning. As a rule, if you need to keep a relationship secret it shouldn’t be happening.

If your child is 21 why would it need to be a secret? Is this person a celebrity sport person It seems the only area people keep it secret these days.

I can't think any job can't discriminate against someone being gay now. There is nothing wrong with keeping your private life private, as long as your not lying about things, and the secret seems a bit like lying.

My male housemate at uni had a 40 year old boyfriend when we were all 21, we found it a bit “odd” but at 21 he was an adult and fully capable of deciding who he wanted to date. It fizzled out after a few months and his parents didn’t even know he was gay at the time never mind dating a man nearly 20 years older! I think big age gaps are quite common in gay relationships, another friend has just left her husband for a girl in her early 20s (my friend is 37). As a friend of the older person in the relationship I find it odd wanting to date so young, the level of immaturity is very obvious, but hey their decision.

I don’t think there is anything you can do, but please stop referring to your 21 year old as my “child” they are an adult!! I’m sure he’ll get bored and move onto the next unsuitable boyfriend you don’t like soon.

Have you met the boyfriend? I would encourage your DC to introduce you. It might ease some concerns. There is an aspects of worry in not having met this boyfriend. He doesn't have to stay hidden from your DC's immediate family surely?

Posters are usually coy about gender when the relationship is same-sex. No idea why, it doesn’t matter much these days.

I draw my own conclusions from that alone. But, it doesn’t matter.

My sister married someone 16 years older and they are still together. His body is falling apart quicker than hers though!

The OP is stating "my child" because she doesn't want to say my daughter/son.

This is so weird. You are creating a mass issue over whether you have a DD or DS and nobody cares

Also, the person in question is 21 so why would an ' almost 40' - so in their thirties person have to hide that?

If the job is at risk over it then he must be in a position of care or something - why not simply say what the actual issue is, because at 21 going out with someone in the next decade bracket isn't a huge deal.

I did a bit of digging as I wasn’t happy about the age gap...There seems to be a bit of a history of younger partners. One was just 17 when he was 34-35ish

I find this a little worrying in itself, because what kind of "digging" reveals that kind of information? Where does a mother "dig" for her adult DC's partner's sexual / romantic history?

Posters are usually coy about gender when the relationship is same-sex. No idea why, it doesn’t matter much these days

Haha yes!! They do it during 'sex/gender doesn't matter' but all they are doing by concealing it is making it matter

*citing (not during)

To clarify, the older boyfriend works in the public sector/public eye, to a degree. It would impact his chance of promotion if his dating history was utilised against him...a real and not imagined prospect. I don’t want to elaborate further as it could be identifying.

Like another poster, this is what concerned me. This boyfriend has a habit of dating much younger people. I suspect that this boyfriend is working in an environment that means they are likely to meet and even be mentoring/teaching/otherwise responsible for other young people.

I can see why the OP is wary. An older mentor/teacher/other person with some sort of supervisory contact is in a prime position to groom those younger people and you have an immediate imbalance of power in the relationship right there at the start.

That most of them have been over 18 is irrelevant, while there's no law breaking regarding the over 18s, it's seen as wrong for a reason.

However, the 17 year old. Were they being taught/mentored/supervised? Isn't the law against dating under 18s if you're in some capacity of teaching or mentoring over them?

I can see why it might impact the career. No one would want to promote someone who comes across as predatory.

Of course you can be concerned, why does Mumsnet always bleat on about ‘being an adult at 18’ etc etc etc.

Any, parent, or good friend for that matter, would be concerned if their child/friend was in a relationship that was being ‘kept secret’, why? Secret from whom?

I think as a society we should be more caring and observant about other people’s relationships and not be frightened to speak out if (& of course it may not be happening in this particular relationship) people are being abused or controlled.

My friend and I are in our 60s , she is in a very controlling and abusive relationship with an older guy (he’s 80!), I know I can’t stop what she does but I do talk to her about it and let her know that his behaviour is not acceptable and try to offer support and strategies to help her.

"They are keeping this a secret as it will impact adversely his (boyfriends) work."

This is the oddest thing to me.

Two adults dating, albeit with an age gap.

What impact could that have on anyone's work?

My DB was 21 when he met his partner, who's 16 years older. He's not creepy or predatory, his partner simply hadn't met someone of a similar age that they clicked with.

Also my DBs partner is a serving police officer so he didn't tell his work about the relationship as at the time (and still!) there's plenty of institutional homophobia in the police.

Twenty years later, they're still together and very happy. A big age gap isn't always a red flag, and as a pp said, if it's a gay relationship it's not so uncommon to have an age gap.

It would impact his chance of promotion if his dating history was utilised against him..

But if you can find it out with just "a bit of digging" then so can anyone else. Including the press, or his bosses, or secret service, or whoever.

For it to be potentially harmful to his career, I'm thinking that the boyfriend might be a politician.

For it to be potentially harmful to his career, I'm thinking that the boyfriend might be a politician.

How could it be harmful to a politician?

I'd be concerned but as many PP's have said, they're consenting adults and there's nothing you can do except be there for him if it falls apart.

The secrecy is v. but again, nothing you can do about it. The main concern I'd have is whether you notice any signs that the partner is controlling your son's life in any way, encouraging to ditch his younger friends or steering his career in a certain direction, etc. Keep an eye out for that.

I wouldn't like it; i'd wonder why the 40 yr old couldn't get someone their own age- it's easy to be impressive when you're older.
If you'd said that your child was especially mature I'd still think it was a hell of a gap- though a little less odd- but you say that your child is a relative innocent which does not cast the older person in a good light.
Sorry, not much actual help but I don't think you're being over-protective at all. How many of us are like we were in our early 20s?!- it's not like something magical happens overnight when we turn 18- experience and wisdom take time, by definition! You sound like a lovely mum and i hope this all works out.

What impact could that have on anyone's work?

If he is DS’s boss or senior.