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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child relationship is ‘secret’ and there is a big age gap...should I care?

255 replies

Elbad · 08/11/2019 10:51

I hope you are all going to tell me I am definitely being unreasonable and/or overreacting/being overprotective.

My child is 21 and dating a nearly 40 year old. They are keeping this a secret as it will impact adversely his (boyfriends) work. I did a bit of digging as I wasn’t happy about the age gap…primarily because my child is quite inexperienced, and the need to keep it on the lowdown. This is a first relationship scenario for my wee one other than some very casual dating with a friend that didn’t work out about two years ago.

There seems to be a bit of a history of younger partners. One was just 17 when he was 34-35ish.

I don’t know if it’s just me and I shouldn’t be so squeamish. I do appreciate age differences aren’t a biggie but I always thought that it was more appropriate for older people and not very young adults and grown men. Throw in a level of innocence and inexperience and it just seems a bit grim.

Tell me I am being a ninny?

OP posts:

TatianaLarina · 08/11/2019 11:55

For me the work place denial is a bigger issue than the age gap of itself.

I’d want to know precisely what the issue is.

Notodontidae · 08/11/2019 11:55

True equality never really exists in a relationship, one invariably leads the other, or is more dominant, unless the more submissive partner has a specific skill the other does not possess. There is no reason to believe this partnership will fail due to the age gap. The secrecy does seem odd, and the reason for it may just be an over-reaction. I would suggest you discuss the secrecy bit with them to see if it is important.

MorrisZapp · 08/11/2019 11:56

Nowt you can do about a 21 year old but wait it out. My best friend took up with an older man and being gay was relevant.

Friend had grown up in a small town with very limited opportunities to meet other young gay men, and had virtually no relationship or sexual experience to speak of in his early twenties.

The older man had been round the block a million times, and was now looking to settle down.

Not my business but to this day it breaks my heart that my friend only really has experience with one man, with whom he very quickly reached the 'pipe and slippers' stage. He doesn't have all the fun and nonsense in his past that I took for granted as a straight teenager/young adult.

Nothing to be done about it but you can't help your feelings.

BillHadersNewWife · 08/11/2019 11:56

Cake I suppose it seems odd as the child is over 18...and there's no real reason to keep the gender a secret.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 08/11/2019 11:58

I would also be a lot more worried about the secrecy than the age gap. Is this a lecturer/student relationship or similar? And how you have managed to get background on the partner's previous relationships if he's that secretive? What else have you found out about him?

You did imply that the partner was a man and you were non specific about your DC's sex. If the secrecy is due to homophobia at work then that's something your DC will have to come to terms with (maybe including his own workplace) . However secrecy might also be a cover for other dodginess, such as a permanent partner at home.

Despite his/her inexperience your DC is an adult and s/he will make mistakes on the way to getting experience. At least s/he has you to support him/her. I agree with thenightsky, it is concerning but it's better to hang back and be there for DC when s/he wants you than to go in all guns blazing. Don't alienate her/him and cut off his/her escape route.

SunshineAngel · 08/11/2019 11:58

Firstly I really don't know why you're being all secretive about your child's gender. That's odd.

Secondly, you need to relax at least a little bit. I got with my partner when I was 27 and he was 48. We kept it quiet for a few months from everyone for exactly this reason - I was concerned my parents would react badly, as it is a bit of an unusual situation. I wanted to make sure that the relationship was right for both of us before involving other people.

I can understand him wanting to keep it quiet from work too. Nobody wants to be the tearoom gossip. This happened to my partner when we finally went official. He got the piss taken out of him for ages, people saying he's old enough to be my dad, or asking how he managed to pull a young, pretty girl when he's old and ugly (he's not though!)

The best you can do is be there for your child as and when needed, in good and in bad. The relationship might not work out, but then again it might not have done if they had been exactly the same age either. On the other hand, it could be the making of both of them, and they could stay together forever.

I'm not arrogant enough to say that my partner and I will be together forever. I've seen too much on here to think I could ever say that with absolute certainty. But, we have been together for two years now, lived together for 18 months, we now own a business together, and do a hobby together. He is more supportive of me than any man I have ever been out with, and he often tells me things that he has never told anyone else before.

You can't put an age limit on love. People are so different at different ages. Nor can you assume that something is wrong because they want to keep it quiet. I think that's quite sensible, as I can tell you that some people did react badly to us (including his parents the first time I met them telling us I was too young for him and should find someone my own age haha). But we worked through everything, and it's all good now!

Hollachica · 08/11/2019 11:58

Whatever the gender, he is an adult and you have every right to be concerned. But he is an adult and must live their life as they see fit.
Be concerned quietly and keep them close.

As log as their is no wife hiding in the background, you just need tthe relationship to run it's course. What will be will be.

MyKingdomForBrie · 08/11/2019 12:05

I would be worried and I would be keeping an eye but I think you have to take an approach of support and listening rather than concern or criticism. You don't want to push your son/daughter away and therefore be unable to keep an eye for warning signs etc.

priceofprogress · 08/11/2019 12:05

The ‘secrecy’ could be a bit of a red herring, maybe it’s more privacy. Not everyone wants to go public with a new relationship right away, telling all and sundry on social media and at work. Many people like to just see where it’s going first, some don’t ever want to plaster their personal relationships all over anyway. If the older partner is fairly well known or in the public eye he may well be wary of it being used against him to defame his character and not want to get dragged into all of that, especially if it’s a new relationship. There is a stigma against age gap relationships.

None of that changes my advice but it’s something to think about.

LuckySeventhWave · 08/11/2019 12:09

If he works with young children or young adults up to age 18, then it’s no wonder he wants to keep it secret, he’s risking his job.

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 08/11/2019 12:11

I have a lot of friends ( male) who at some point have dated much older men, and the occasional one who dated a much younger guy. I do think there is a different dynamic that if it was a 40 year old man, 21 year old woman - it's different IMHO and experience. I think same sex relationships tend to be more equal in general than straight ones.

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 08/11/2019 12:12

I also don't think that it's weird that they don't want to be open yet, particularly with work - just look at the comments here from people about this relationship...

vivacian · 08/11/2019 12:14

I do believe gender isn’t an issue.

Well, at least you've managed to make it a complete non-issue on this thread!

viques · 08/11/2019 12:16

OP. You say that the relationship needs to be kept secret because of the "boyfriends" job. And that he previously dated a 17 year old.

What sort of job does he do that the secret needs to be maintained. I am assuming that you know what the job is and understand why he is reluctant to have the relationship disclosed.

I think most people will assume that the job involves him with younger people, a teacher, lecturer, social worker, care worker, police officer or similar. The sort of job where an older person could easily manipulate and target a vunerable young person.

If this is the case, then by agreeing to maintain the secret you are leaving the door open for him to predate other young vunerable people in the future.

Your child is an adult, albeit an immature and inexperienced adult, but I don't think I could keep quiet knowing the man's job and previous history, if as many suspect he is in a job that gives him access to young people. Have you considered that he has already been warned about inappropriate relationships , so has deliberately targeted your child because they are vunerable, immature, young in many ways but technically adult?

Needtogetmyselftogether · 08/11/2019 12:18

I work with older people and a lot of them call their offspring "kids" even if they are in their 50s.

I think the gender might be important to clarify the secrecy. Is it secret because of the age gap, or because they are gay?

I would not be happy AT ALL if my child had a secret relationship where they could not go to social things together show their love, be proud of each other, etc. regardless of gender.

But as other's have said, be there for your kid.

AlternativePerspective · 08/11/2019 12:18

The secrecy makes me think that he’s married or in an established relationship.

Has your DS met any of his friends? I’m guessing not. I’d even wonder whether, given this is a same sex relationship, he could be married to a woman and not actually out yet iyswim.

Certainly if a poster came on here and said that their new partner (of any sex) was insisting they keep the relationship a secret posters would be advising them that they were probably married and to run for the hills.

So while I don’t think you can interfere as such, I do think that you could put that suggestion out there as a possibility.

dottiedodah · 08/11/2019 12:18

I think if a "child" is 21 then they are an adult in the eyes of the law .So not much you can do really .Just try and talk to them and let them know you are there for them whatever happens .If you protest then you will probably push them away!

misspiggy19 · 08/11/2019 12:19

It is the OPs business, it is her daughter for goodness sake.

A 40 year old man who wants to keep his relationship with a 21 year old secret. Massive red flag there

priceofprogress · 08/11/2019 12:20

AlternativePerspective

What makes you think this is a same sex relationship?

Needtogetmyselftogether · 08/11/2019 12:27

What makes you think this is a same sex relationship?

OP has already clarified that. It is.

53rdWay · 08/11/2019 12:29

OP has already clarified that. It is.

Where?

AlternativePerspective · 08/11/2019 12:29

Well it’s been well enough implied on this thread and clearly the OP is maintaining the secrecy to keep people guessing. I mean you just have to look at how this comes across. The OP’s child whose sex is a secret is in a relationship with a man who wants to keep the relationship a secret.... I mean wtf?

But whether same sex or not I would still assume the secretive one has a long term partner

Needtogetmyselftogether · 08/11/2019 12:35

Where?

God, though the conversation! But here it is a hint on a tray for you:

"To clarify, the older boyfriend works..."

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 08/11/2019 12:36

If he works with young children or young adults up to age 18, then it’s no wonder he wants to keep it secret, he’s risking his job.

By going out with a 21 year old?

53rdWay · 08/11/2019 12:37

"To clarify, the older boyfriend works..."

I'm reading that as 'the boyfriend, who is older'. Not 'the oldest one of the two boyfriends'.

If you said "my daughter's older boyfriend", the sentence would still make sense to most people.

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