Child relationship is ‘secret’ and there is a big age gap...should I care?

[Elbad]

I hope you are all going to tell me I am definitely being unreasonable and/or overreacting/being overprotective.

My child is 21 and dating a nearly 40 year old. They are keeping this a secret as it will impact adversely his (boyfriends) work. I did a bit of digging as I wasn’t happy about the age gap…primarily because my child is quite inexperienced, and the need to keep it on the lowdown. This is a first relationship scenario for my wee one other than some very casual dating with a friend that didn’t work out about two years ago.

There seems to be a bit of a history of younger partners. One was just 17 when he was 34-35ish.

I don’t know if it’s just me and I shouldn’t be so squeamish. I do appreciate age differences aren’t a biggie but I always thought that it was more appropriate for older people and not very young adults and grown men. Throw in a level of innocence and inexperience and it just seems a bit grim.

Tell me I am being a ninny?

My granny calls her her bairn and I’m in my 20s, she’s not infantilising me it’s just colloquialism /dialectal

The past history does make it look more deliberate. I met my DH when I was 20 and he was 42, we married 2 years later and were together for 20 years. Age gap relationships can and do work. He didn't know my age at the time, and had never dated anyone younger (his ex wife was 4 years younger but he was 20 and she was 16 when they met). He had been single for a long time after his divorce. But in your case I would probably worry more because it is a pattern developing of being with much younger partners rather than it happening organically like it did with me.

Me*

Yabu for saying the word ninny

Argh, posted too soon.

What with the secrecy and the past history, this doesn't look good. If he is truly in love with and happy to be with your child, why isn't he shouting it from the rooftops and acting normally?

"They are keeping this a secret as it will impact adversely his (boyfriends) work"

Love that so many posters haven't read the OP properly, and assumed that her DC is a DD.

Ninny is a great word.

The whole thing is ick. But there’s nothing you can do beyond flag the issues and leave him to figure it out for himself.

The secrecy is bad.

How does your AC (adult child) see the need for secrecy panning out?
Will it be for a short time? A year or two? Indefinitely?

A long lasting relationship shouldn't be based on secrecy, but maybe they don't expect it to be long lasting?

I am assuming your child is male, as I think you referred to 'his' boyfriend. If so I would wonder if the boyfriend is not open about the fact that he is gay. Either way I don't like the sound of the boyfriend at all, secrecy about a relationship sounds off as is seeking out younger partners. I don't think there is much you can do though.

16 year age gap between me and DP. We've been together 20 years now and have 2 DCs. Keep calm and she'll make her own mind up over time. If he is the right person for her age aside they'll stay together There are pros and cons but then there are in any relationship.

OP, is your son having a relationship with an older woman or man ?

It shouldn't matter what the genders are but somehow it does feel relevant.

It doesn’t really matter if it’s a DD or Ds. I’d still be concerned about my young one dating some one so much older. Especially with the history as it does suggest someone who wants the power imbalance. This could be the case in a gay relationship too, although I’m not sure if it’s statisticalyl less common or if that makes the slightest difference.

My first thought is that this guy is married and that’s why he wants it kept secret.

^^ Sorry not she but he^^

Is it relevant whether or not it is a same sex relationship.
The power dynamic, the enormous age gap and the secrecy are all wrong.
I would point them out showing concern, and try not to judge.

OP, you are not being a ninny and this would concern me too.

I met my husband when I was 21 and he was 41

Snap! Same here, i met my second wife at the same age! Married her when she was 23 married for 20 years two lovely DC's now divorced but still friends.

The age gap was never a real problem, sometimes a bit of "bin there dun that" came up but nothing really just got on very well, admired each others strenghts and qualities, still do for that matter.

All fine with her parents and all our friends no one batted an eyelid really. Her parents saw it well that I was older, mature well established own house financally secure.

All in i would not object if my DD's did the same in fact one did have a age gap differnce od some years but that didnt last as he couldnt keep it in his trousers barstard! No way however would i have entertianed a 17 year old girl, but some are more mature and grown up in their ealry 20's than others.

DD3 is always moaning about boys, she never uses the word Men, at her age 22 and wishes they'd all just grow the feck up!.

Wish you and yours all the best Junkmail!

From the OP
"They are keeping this a secret as it will impact adversely his (boyfriends) work." nothing vague about that.

I wouldn't be keen on the age gap if it were my child. I would much rather they were able to experience an open and equal relationship - not helped by the fact it is the boyfriends job that means the relationship has to be "secret".

Why does the job require the relationship to be "secret". If it is because of your son's age doesn't this imply that even your son's boyfriend knows that he is pushing it with the age gap? Or is it because the boyf is in a position of power/trust over your son such as a lecturer/doctor/sports coach etc. I think it is unacceptable if he is in such a position and is using this position to recruit young boyfriends. Equally it would be unacceptable if he was a straight man and used a position of power or trust to recruit young girlfriends.

What you can do about it is much more difficult. Your son is of course an adult and won't feel he needs protecting. If his boyf is exploiting a position of trust then telling his employers will probably get him the sack but won't do much for your relationship with your son. Agree with previous posters probably all you can do is keep the lines of communication open and discuss relevant issues re power/secrecy/money/low self esteem in relationships etc as they arise.

Apologies for the infantilising terminology. I wanted to keep it gender non specific as I think gender has no relevance although I do appreciate the comment about it being more common in gay relationships - a fact I was unaware of. I do think of my child as an adult and will continue to welcome them both with open arms.

You have all been very kind to offer advice.

To clarify, the older boyfriend works in the public sector/public eye, to a degree. It would impact his chance of promotion if his dating history was utilised against him...a real and not imagined prospect. I don’t want to elaborate further as it could be identifying.

My ‘child’ ‘ (does anyone know a gender non-specific term for their adult offspring?) is seemingly ok with it all and I will be the happiest mum alive if I could update this post in 5/10/20! Years to say “Yes - I was a ninny (it is a great word!).

Thanks again for your input, lovely people.

@RuffleCrow My mum calls me little lass - I'm 5ft 7 and 43 years old!! I'm always going to be my mums child regardless of my age.

OP is saying ‘his work’ i.e the boyfriends work so it’s fear the older person is a man but it’s not clear the gender of OP’s child gosh the reading comprehension on here.

It is vague if the his refers to the boyfriend, and that's why the boyfriend is in brackets.

Could be DD could be DS. Doesn't make much odds really. They will do what they will do, you can't lock your DC in their bedroom, can you? Just be there.

The secrecy may be because his (boyfriend)'s job is sensitive.

The age gap wouldn't trouble me anywhere near as much as the secrecy issue.

Why the need?

@Elbad There is nothing wrong with just saying ‘child’ for your adult children, people on here are being weird.

I feel like you are in such a predicament, as they are an adult you can’t do anything but advice them but the older man comes off as predatory if they mainly date people decades younger than them.

PP why would knowing the gender of the OP’s child be relevant, wouldn’t the exact same advice be useful.

Is the only way its "being kept a secret" on social media? I'm in a LTR and getting married and there's no sign if it on SM, it means nothing. You're entitled to your concerns but hes an adult. How / where are you looking up the BF?