Child relationship is ‘secret’ and there is a big age gap...should I care?

[Elbad]

I hope you are all going to tell me I am definitely being unreasonable and/or overreacting/being overprotective.

My child is 21 and dating a nearly 40 year old. They are keeping this a secret as it will impact adversely his (boyfriends) work. I did a bit of digging as I wasn’t happy about the age gap…primarily because my child is quite inexperienced, and the need to keep it on the lowdown. This is a first relationship scenario for my wee one other than some very casual dating with a friend that didn’t work out about two years ago.

There seems to be a bit of a history of younger partners. One was just 17 when he was 34-35ish.

I don’t know if it’s just me and I shouldn’t be so squeamish. I do appreciate age differences aren’t a biggie but I always thought that it was more appropriate for older people and not very young adults and grown men. Throw in a level of innocence and inexperience and it just seems a bit grim.

Tell me I am being a ninny?

Toooldtobearsed2 I think the point is that OP has deliberately not specified her child’s gender but everyone has assumed they’re a daughter. Though some have also got confused by the ‘he (boyfriends)’ and assumed that means she’s referring to a son, but the ‘he’ is about the older boyfriend!

Child? At 21!!!

There seems to be a bit of a history of younger partners. One was just 17 when he was 34-35ish.

That would be a deal breaker for me. However I don't honestly think you can do much about it, your daughter is 21 and having a relationship with anyone from 16 to elderly is not illegal, if not desirable.

If you speak to your daughter about your concerns you are likely to push her deeper into the man's arms.

Just be there for her, be relaxed with her and share a few (edited) of your memories and experiences. Try to be happy and laid back. Invite some friends over, whom she likes as well as you, and their children if they are around, when she is with you. When she sees her relationship with a background of your environment and people, she may come to feel differently.

All the very best. We never stop worrying about them, do we? I've 'bin' there :-),

for a lovely mum and to take the pain away.

Well there is quite a good chance that this man is a predatory, egotistical creep who picks much younger partners because he wants to be worshipped - and a partner his own age would laugh at him because he's a loser and a failure.
Unfortunately, your child is an adult and you have no right (legally or morally) to interfere. If you try to insist that the relatonship is inappropriate and must stop, your child will tell you to get stuffed and perhaps cling even closer to the partner. You can express your concern, carefully, but do not issue orders or nag. You need to keep the door open because your child will need your support if this all goes horribly wrong.

It's not impossible that the man is nice and the relationship OK, of course. Some age-gap relationships work out and make the participants very happy (though there's usually something like a shared hobby that both are passionate about to keep them together...) And sometimes an age gap relationship is a non-harmful 'starter' relationship for the younger partner, to be remembered fondly years later.

But keeping it secret is a bit of a red flag.

The OP has not suggested the gender of their child at all,

Yeah in the OP it says "(his) boyfriend". That means it's a same-sex relationship.

But whatever. The thought that a relationship is being kept quiet to protect the older boyfriend is very iffy.
Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with age-gaps (within reason), but I would question why the secrecy. I too, would be worried and would approach the boyfriend and ask what's going on.

Why do you feel you need to be non gender specific about your child?

@WhoKnewBeefStew would you find it weird if someone called their adult dc a son or daughter? OP is using ‘child’ because they do not want to specify the gender fgs

Just remain close to your child and always have your door open.

What more can you do than give your child an escape?

Lol Ginfordinner

Love that so many posters haven't read the OP properly, and assumed that her DC is a DD.

Love that you haven’t realised that ‘he (boyfriend)’ refers to the boyfriend, or it doesn’t make any sense. It hasn’t disclosed the child’s gender at all. Please learn some reading comprehension before pouncing on other people’s!

They are keeping this a secret as it will impact adversely his (boyfriends) work.

I presume op is talking about her DS. Apparently, it's a 'thing' for some younger gay guys to date much older men. They call them 'Daddies'.

You are not being unreasonable to worry but your DC is 21. I would be concerned if my DC was dating someone 20 years their senior. However, there is not a lot you can do about it. Is the 'boyfriend' in a position of authority or in a high position of power at work? Did your DC say why the relationship is a secret?

Why do you feel you need to be non gender specific about your child?

She hasn’t, she specified his gender in the OP.

@loutypips No OP did not the ‘his’ was referring to the boyfriends work. The OP has not stated the gender.

@TatianaLarina rtft

Look at Stephen fry and his husband, huge gap and a bit 🤢 if there hadn't been the 17 year old I would say let it run out, not much you can do but support them

It makes no difference whether its a DS or a DD. The secrecy really is concerning. Especially as you say its the age of your DS/DD that is the problem. This indicates that the boyfriend is possibly a tutor or lecturer and is now or has been dating students. A secret relationship can seem exciting at first but it is very quickly going to become a problem.

Ah - ok. I read it differently.

Presumably to avoid homophobia or accusations of homophobia.

It appears that I have the wrong end of the stick .

I agree with everything SGB has posted.

It is your child you don't have to be scrabbling about for the correct term 5 or 25 still your child . anyway

I think I would be focusing on your child and the fact that they are some dirty little secret the boyfriend has no respect for and keep the boyfriend at a civilised distance be welcoming because you don't want to isolate but you can be aloof about the relationship.

loutypips did you look at the context in the sentence? OP put (boyfriend) in brackets to make it clear that’s whose work she was referring to. Had she eliminated the brackets and put ‘his boyfriend’ (and the rest of the sentence made sense with that in mind) you’d be correct. But really? The sentence is right there.

MN is known for the shocking lack of reading comprehension amongst its posters but this thread is shaping up to be quite something.

I think you are right to question the motives here in different ways. You don't specify if child is DS or DD, but I do think the advice is different.

With DS, is this news? Unfortunately a lot of prejudice in the world means some people feel they need to keep who they are a secret, could this be why? Are they accepting of who they are? Do they feel they will not be supported by you? Are they looking for guidance from the older man? How will it effect the boyfriends work? Is he BU for saying that?

With a DD it can speed her life up, does this man want children? Is he going to pressure her for that? Again is she looking for guidance in an older man? How will a younger woman effect his work? Has he dated young girls in the work place?

In both scenarios is it going to be that boyfriend gets bored as they get older and they get traded in? Is DC one of many? Is it going to be that DS/DD wants to be out all the time with their mates or will miss out on that because boyfriend doesn't want that lifestyle? Is he married/been married and has kids?

It massively comes down to what kind of a person DC is, confident in themselves? Are they made to feel like a child and so when an older man comes along showing an interest it makes them feel grown up? Do they have a good judge of character? It's one of those that's a case by case basis but I think you need to get the lines of communication open OP.

I would worry a bit if this was my child, that's a big age gap HOWEVER your wee one is an adult, albeit a young one, and the best you can do at this point is be supportive and be there if it all goes tits up...

The internet is a strange and fascinating place. There is much information out there that can be quite telling. Especially if the person in question has a certain reputation or public profile. Trust me when I say I can evidence three previous relationships, all with varying degrees of age difference starting at 23 for the first. As an aside, this person is well known enough to have a Wikipedia page. Not superstar status or anything but there is stuff out there and there is ways of looking folk up and checking them out. I hire people for a living, and I know how to have a good sniff around to see what someone is like, before committing to employing them

In all honesty, I am perfectly aware of an adult being entitled to their own life and relationship. My child isn’t some sheltered ‘Carrie-esq’ kid kept in a closet and unworldly. They are university educated and in employment with active social life etc.

I do believe gender isn’t an issue. Boy or girl, in this instance, would probably raise an eyebrow.

I hope they will be happy. I hope that my CHILD (still my child, and will be forever, despite age and experience) is going to weather the inevitable storm when in (going on previous track record) about 2-5 years, this all goes pear shaped and a new kid on the block is on the scene. This, unfortunately, seems the more likely scenario.

Thanks again for the feedback....honest, objective and reassuring to boot....I am very grateful.

It would impact his chance of promotion if his dating history was utilised against him...a real and not imagined prospect.

That's a massive red flag in and of itself. It implies he's working in the sort of field where people would have very real concerns about a history of dating much younger partners, and there's usually a reason for that (position of trust, etc) beyond office meanness.

Your child is an adult so there isn't much you can do, but you can say you are concerned about the things you are concerned about and why. In your position I wouldn't be saying "he's obviously a bad 'un" (even if he is...) but would be saying things like "that's a bit unusual about his work, isn't it? Why is that?"

People misread stuff on their phones all the time, it’s hardly a point to be self-aggrandising and derogatory over.

You can’t protect your kids from heartbreak OP, and nor should you try. If it goes tits up then it’ll be a valuable life lesson most of us have dealt with at one time or another and learned from/gained strength from!

Plus it’s not exactly unheard of for the younger partner in age gap relationships to realise it’s not working for them and end it!

But either way, just be there for your child as you normally would and don’t interfere.