Has anyone ever been to a “bad0 funeral

[Iamnotagoddess]

Discussing with a friend who is supporting another friend who has had a close relative die suddenly.

Didn’t want to go to Co-Op felt it was too “cheap” and have gone elsewhere and are spending 8k.

She cannot afford it.

Does it actually make any difference?

I can’t remember going to a funeral and thinking the funeral was shit other than the obvious actual shitness of it.

DM insisted she wanted the cheapest funeral options.

She was cremated in a cardboard coffin liner and the coffin was sterilized to be used for the next person. Not sure how she was transported to the crematorium but I saw no hearse, just family cars.
The flowers were daffodils from the garden. We all wore a daffodil buttonhole as she was known for her “daffs”.
Guests were given a Sainsbury’s buffet platter, tea and coffee at home.

Nobody turned up their nose and said it was cheap. The speeches, choice of music and tributes were very touching, and those are things money cannot buy.

it’s not like a wedding is it, no one is going have two

Clearly you never met my late, exMIL. Her husband (FIL, obs) was one of the best people I ever knew and also deeply modest and impatient with needless ceremony. Accordingly he insisted, both verbally and in his will, that he wanted the simplest funeral possible

Unfortunately this didn't suit MIL's need to be the centre of attention at all times - a need which had caused him a lot of distress in his lifetime. So she organised not one ceremony but three ... a church funeral, another full service at the crematorium and a graveside service when his ashes were interred

Her choice of course, but it was just such a shame to know how much he'd have hated it

I conduct Christian funerals an the cost is generaly not an indicator of quality. I have worked with several Co-Op's, Dignitas and independents small and large and find they are genuinely caring. The minister or officient can be the key to a good or bad service on the day.

I've been to a few. Never stood there and thought then or now how much it costs. Do people really think about this?

Ashes in a cardboard box, if anyone wants to keep some they can. Friends. Where what they would wear any day of the week. Good music. Lots of laughter remembering how scatty I can be,
Money left so they can celebrate my life with food and drink, plus transport. Buried somewhere special to me. My children are aware and completely onboard.

I think of a funeral as a celebration of that person's lives, not to be sad they have gone. Because they are never gone.

Co-op provide a perfectly adequate funeral service - pretty much the same as other providers. Sounds like your friend is a bit of a snob.

Is the funeral to be a burial as they cost significantly more than a cremation? If a burial they may have to purchase the plot for a period of 99 years or have to pay to have it opened up if it is a grave plot for 2 or 3 people and it is only has one body in it atm.

Coffin prices can also differ significantly too. I can't see the point in having anything but the lowest price coffin - they are only going to get incinerated or stuck in the ground.

Order of service booklets cost about a fiver or more so, the bigger the funeral, the more you need to provide.

I don't think there will be much in it between funerals from any of the main providers. They all provide a similar service but often it's the add-ons that increase the cost. A large family can mean lots of limousines whereas other people may use their own cars to travel in.

Is the cost of casket flowers and the wake included in that price too?

I have sadly attended a number of funerals for babies through to very elderly relatives. Only one stood out as different in terms of the money being spent on it. It was in a spectacular church, had a well known choir, a marquee with black silk drapes around the top and quince jelly etc at the buffet. It made no difference to everyone's sadness (young person, sudden violent death) and it's the only funeral where I can honestly say I noticed what had been spent on it

8k is fine.

I've been to bad (got the names wrong and talked about other people) and uncaring (couldn't give two shits about the body and were rude). I've been to good (looked after the body well and arranged things in caring way).

The definitions of good and bad are relative.

Coop were excellent for my cousins funeral - he died at 19yo in a car crash, they made him look 'normal' and handled the family amazingly.

Local independent firm done my grans funeral, she died of cancer lost her hair prior to passing...they accidentally mixed up her and another women's wigs and also had her made up all wrong, I distinctly remember blue eyeshadow and red lipstick. Very upsetting as it was nothing we'd asked for and she looked nothing like herself. They also sent us filthy cars on the day for the family to ride in.

Either way I think people outwith those involved in the organisation would know the difference in cost or service. Personally I think she's mad to spend 8k and be snobbish about coop unless she's had a bad experience or the deceased expressed a view against them.

I recently had a very positive experience with co-OP funerals, very professional, everything done well. I went to a Dignity franchise for my father and they called me on the Sunday before the Monday funeral chasing payment they'd not received because they hadn't produced an invoice needed to take money from the deceased account. Very stressful to deal with them after the initial consultation.

Both funerals were very similar and positive experiences but I'd always go back to co-OP.

Never been to a bad funeral myself, but was told about a recent one a friend attended where the minister barely mentioned the deceased and spent a long time evangelising. I think the minister or equivalent is key.

Having just had to arrange a funeral I can honestly say that the big chains are a fucking rip off and prey on people’s grief

Coop & Dignity wanted roughly around £4200 give or take £100
This was for a standard cremation & 1 family limo no choice of day for the funeral and it had to be 9 or 9.30
It included collection of body all the paperwork and a celebrant / minister to do the service and order of the service books
No flowers or anything and if we wanted after 10am it was an extra £300

The independent funeral director I used charged £2800 complete including limo for the family and order of the service books and all the other legal stuff which is exactly the same as Co- op and Dignity

We got a service on a day of our choice and timing
The celebrant came to our house to get all the info about the order of the service and was lovely and spent around 2hr with family getting everything she needed .

Flowers will cost £470 and the food for the wake £250 -£300

While it’s not about money they rely on people not saying “fuck off thats expensive “ I ain’t paying that much to burn a coffin 😂 I didn’t like him / her that much
.Although out funeral Director did say that she has had scenes worthy of EastEnders with family’s coming to blows over the arrangements and cost 😂😂

So people often pay it and can get into horrendous debt and it can cause massive family arguments that don’t heal .

I didn’t like the fact the a lot of funeral directors don’t have a price or a have a price for a basic one but then loads of extra ffs
The funeral director I used had 3 complete prices and the only extra cost was the family limo if required and order of service book
Nice and Simple

Luckily the family member had a insurance policy that will more than cover the cost of everything so that’s one less thing to worry about

I’ve been to some which felt a little impersonal and far more which felt perhaps a little tacky or OTT - not that I’d have dreamed of voicing that in real life!

But it’s never even occurred to me that a funeral hadn’t had enough money spent on it, even though there must have been some very low budgets among the 100s of funerals I’ve been to.

I honestly don’t think it honours loved ones more to spend more than we can afford. Put heart and soul into eulogy and service planning, and that’ll honour them fully.

In my mind what makes any funeral is that the eulogy. The music and flowers.

Coffin, type... All irrelevant. Cheap coffin covered in beautiful flowers...

Great music, moving speech

We have sadly recently had my Ddads funeral. It was just under 5k. We chose the cheapest coffin and fairly moderately priced wreaths.
We would have struggled to pay for that but the funeral director advised to take the invoice to the bank and have them deduct from Ddads estate.

There was a story in the local paper about a funeral where the pallbearers dropped the coffin, which broke open, the pall bearers then ran away!

Here

The co OP did my toddlers funeral they were fab to me so understanding and also gave me a personal number I could contact someone 24/7 if I had any questions
6 months later I needed them again for my husband again brilliant and they refused to charge me

Dad's funeral was done by the coop, the usual crematorium with a fixed timeslot. We are a large family, 5 siblings and spouses so ordered 2 funeral cars.

Dad loved a drop of whisky so we all had a wee dram before the hearse arrived.

Only one funeral car arrived. A mix up by the funeral director and they had no spare, noone could drive (Scotland so one drink is over the limit) so we had to wait for 2 taxis to get some of us there, the service was rushed as we were late starting, and we needed to ask others for lifts to the wake after. We got a half-hearted apology and refund of the 2nd car cost from the coop.

I'm a funeral arranger and I can always tell when a grieving family are spending more than they can afford because they feel their loved one deserves the best of the best.

I'm not a sales person and I always make a point of showing them a cheaper option.

Also, I hear so many people say 'oh just put me in a cardboard box' because they think it's the cheapest option, when the reality is , that cardboard coffin is going to cost you just shy of a grand and the mdf coffin is £300.

You can have the most expensive funeral or the cheapest funeral, but the 3rd party fees are still the same. So, the crem fees are around 800. A burial plot around 2 grand, doctor's fees 170, minister fees 200, organist 70.
If you want an order of service booklet it is much cheaper to go direct to a printer or even do it yourself, a funeral company will charge you 100 for 30. ( they 25% of the cost)

You'll also be charged more for the last 2 slots - £80 more! But we can't tell clients that.
I get around this by saying, don't choose that time as the traffic is a nightmare

Leaving my body to 'science', i.e. for med students to practise on. Hence no funeral at all, but they can do a memorial service for me if they like.

That's practically free. The vicar owes me!

My brother's funeral wasn't expensive but felt right for him. Woodland burial followed by back to one of our houses for food, beer, playing his favourite music and talking about our memories of him.

Broken that's awful! You should have been refunded the cost of all the vehicles

ofalltheginjoints I'm so sorry that you couldn't give her dignity in her tights. The lady at the coop was really specific with advice on clothing for DH - she instructed me to pack boxers and socks, because she didn't like to think of him being under dressed. I packed his favourite pairs (he liked jazzy pants and socks) and he was given his dignity. It sounds like a branch difference rather than coop policy.

I went to the disappointing funeral (on behalf of a friend who was in hospital) of a person whose family didn't like him. I think he'd been married about three times and was a drinker.

One of the sons offered to pay half the cost if everyone else would chip in a bit.

None of them would.

So it was a "council" funeral, held at the graveside (no church service) and no headstone allowed. I went home afterwards but heard later there was a punchup when they went to the pub afterwards. They were all perfectly pleasant to me.

I went to one where the first passage of music was Queen “another one bites the dust”...

NearlyGranny - do make sure you have a plan B. More bodies are left to science than are actually required, and they can end up being a bit of a liability. And they still have to be given a funeral after a certain period of time, even if they have not been used, which comes at a cost - just not to the family.