Has anyone ever been to a “bad0 funeral

[Iamnotagoddess]

Discussing with a friend who is supporting another friend who has had a close relative die suddenly.

Didn’t want to go to Co-Op felt it was too “cheap” and have gone elsewhere and are spending 8k.

She cannot afford it.

Does it actually make any difference?

I can’t remember going to a funeral and thinking the funeral was shit other than the obvious actual shitness of it.

@Iamnotagoddess

I’ve had weddings when the bride or groom have managed to get their own names wrong because they were so nervous!

We used the Co Op for DH's funeral. They were local to us and we knew the undertaker. They did the most amazing job, were really respectful, everything asked for I got. We had a humanist service, three pieces of music, a lovely commemorative book with loads of photos of DH, a poem that I chose and a great design. I couldn't fault them. I have had people say that it was one of the nicest and most personal funerals they have ever been to. I couldn't recommend them enough.

I work for Co-op and if I die in service I get a free funeral from them

I don’t think Co-op are particularly cheap price wise, so I guess it’s the brand they’ve taken against.

I went to one last year that I felt wasn't right. The deceased died in his 40's from liver and pancreatic cancer.He was an alcoholic. He left his wife and a couple of primary aged children. It was so tragic.

Several of his friends and family spoke and they all had witty stories of events from his teenage years, 20's and 30's.All of the stories involved funny pranks and scrapes the deceased had got into when drunk.

I came away thinking why wasn't there some sort of acknowledgement of his illness and addiction rather than the humorous drunken stories. But his closest circle clearly wanted to deal with it like that. I just felt that the humour all based on what (probably) killed him didn't sit quite right.

My friend had a cardboard coffin. She had 4 young and teen children and they drew pictures and poems all over it. It was heartbreaking and lovely.
And had wild flowers on top.

I quite fancy my local funeral director, he's lovely and very kind.

The funeral directors at my best friend's Mum's funeral were a nightmare. She had pre-paid her funeral and at the meeting to go over details they just kept trying to sell my friend upgrades to things. On the day they were latem despite being the first of the day and had forgtten two of the floral tributes. To make up for the lateness the hearse and cars were speeding to the crem and kept getting split up. Once there they tried to start bringing the coffin out of the hearse while everyone was still getting out their cars.

There's a small local company in our village who are half the cost of the co-op and much friendlier so I used them for my grandparents funerals.

Re: prices. Round my way it's very competitive and they price match each other. Do you can actually haggle with them.

I've got a funeral plan with the co op - for their bog standard funeral - just so my kids don't have to worry about the money side of things.
Al funerals are pretty awful really - I've been to a lot sadly. My Dad's wasn't great because of certain attention seeking members of the family.
The best I have been to was also the saddest - because the person was so loved and had such a dark and wild sense of humour the funeral reflected that. There was alot of laughter as well as a lot of tears during the eulogies. She was also very young and died very unexpectedly so everyone was in a state of kind of stunned disbelief. Also quite a long wait until the funeral because post mortem was necessary. I think that is always hard - having to wait a long time. I wish we had the custom that other belief systems have of holding the funeral within a very short time of death.

I prefer cremations to burials (really don;t like the throwing of the soil onto the casket). But I can't say I ever given much thought to whether a funeral waas cheap or expensive - you don't really notice such things if you were close to the deceased.

FIL's. The celebrant mispronounced dc1's name in an unforgiveable manner and went on an embittered political rant during his address, using language that wasn't obscene exactly but highly inappropriate given there were children present. Set to soulless, faux contemplative canned strings which FIL would have hated. MIL's 'fault' for not planning the funeral more proactively, but it was very bland and generic. Apart from that address.

it matters not one jot how expensive the funeral is, except to those paying. Death and taxes are the only thing in life that are guaranteed. I wouldn't judge any bereaved relative about the quality of the coffin.
Or the cars transporting the same relatives to the church or crematorium.

The Co Op did the funerals for my Mum, Dad, and Sister ( it's a bit of a health hazard being related to me 🤔) They were fine - very professional and kind.

Another minister here. Funerals are complex things to organise and they are usually done at short notice when people are in deep grief and shock. There is a lot that can go wrong and it is down to the professionalism of the funeral directors and crem and cemetery staff that things go as well as they do.

One of the most moving funerals I did was where the son wanted a church funeral with hymns but he didn't know anyone and there were no other relatives. My congregation came along to give him a good send off. I did a funeral for a keen rugby player and the whole club turned out and sung their hearts out.

Baby and child funerals are desperately sad. It isn't my grief and I will hold it together but I always have a big cry when I get home.

Like many ministers I do a replace all when I prepare the words for the funeral service. Him/her. Brother/sister but never names. It can go wrong so easily. I had a stray Ethel in a eulogy once. I hadn't done a funeral for an Ethel. There was no Ethel in the family tree or history but there she was in my script. I left her out but who knows where she came from.

I’ve never been to a funeral where they got the names wrong 😳

Coop did my mums... did a great job.

I have NEVER been to a funeral where I've thought 'ooh, I bet they got a cheap budget cut price funeral directors in to do this... ooooh the cheapskates'... Not once.

Most people ideally want to be part lots of friends and family saying goodbye.
They don’t want to be cold.

No one judges a funeral.Its a reality check.

The two recent funerals I was at were both nice; and not because of piles of money. In one (my dad’s 🙁) it was a lovely crematorium, all nicely done out, the entire back wall of the room was glass, overlooking lovely grounds with trees. It started snowing during the ceremony which was beautiful. Celebrant got everyone’s names right! Sandwiches in pub after.
The other was a woodland burial. There were lovely views and it just seemed lovely and peaceful. Nice people. Rubbish scruffy celebrant, but she played little part really as friends/ family took turns to read and speak.

For me I’d probably like a direct cremation. I can’t imagine putting my children through a funeral.

An aunt of my ex had converted to Catholicism & had a full Catholic funeral.
The rest of her family & all her friends were other faiths or none at all.
I was the only Catholic attending apart from the Priest & the altar boys.

Nobody knew the responses, when to sit or stand or kneel, the words to the hymns or anything.

It was awful, every single person in the church looking at me trying to copy what I did because they hadn't got a clue & were trying to be respectful.
If I had dared to scratch my nose I think half the congregation would have copied it too.

Have no idea how much it cost, what company they used, where the casket came from etc...
Who honestly notices these things?

Funerals are one of those things that undertakers can't "get" wrong, no matter how much or little they've charged. It's a very strong code of conduct. I used to work for a family run undertaker, and they dealt with every single person through the door with kindness and compassion. Didn't matter if they spent 3k or 30k, everyone had the same level of care.

My DS's and I have talked about my funeral and we are all in agreement...

Cremation

Me in a cardboard box that people can write messages in.
Everyone wearing pink.
The eulogy honest ... my 17year old accepted that task.. god will it be honest
Big easy party

Simples.....

Absolutely no need to spend that much on one day.... bit like a wedding.

8k seems very expensive to me. My Mum's funeral came in at 3.5k. My friend is a humanist celebrant and recommended not using Dignity/Co-op or any of the big chains. We used a small family-run funeral home and got a very personal service, felt really looked after.

Oh god my DH ‘dad’ was. I use that term loosely as he was a abusive, and then.
An absent alcoholic for the vast majority of my husbands life. He died homeless, with nothing in his bank. DH put £500 in for his funeral to basically get a coffin and a cremation. He didn’t even want to attend the funeral but did so on behalf of his sister who wanted closure. His dads sister paid for a wake. She hired a pub, and served nothing but Tesco value coleslaw sandwiches and bowls of wine gums. Loads of people got drunk, and DH second cousin turned up wearing a negligee and a fur coat. Just terrible.

No. But a very beloved family member had an express service and put all the money into his friends and family having a champagne recption at his favourite pub. It was lovely in a way but we didn;t get to say goodbye to him and I really missed that ritual. Another very deeply loved family member died too young and her funeral was perfect. Lots of time to reminisce. Stunning venue. Live music (she was a singer) It was a send off that made everyone realise how much she meant to us all and to other people. Such a celebration of her life. Worth the money, I think.

I think that it's a really difficult time and grieving people are very vulnerable to overspending. My dad's funeral was about 4k and in hindsight I think for example it was such a waste of money to buy flowers, and a wooden coffin that was immediately cremated. But I remember at the time being talked into spending hundreds on the flowers I was strangely upset about them at the end of the day too, as they'd been left at the crematorium and I never found out what had happened to them. The undertakers were generally lovely and I guess it was a "good" service but I think on the whole people tend to overspend on unnecessary things for funerals due to grief and vulnerability.

It's only happened at one but I can honestly say I'm not a fan of being filmed walking into the church and having a video camera pointed at the congregation during the service. I put an AIBU on here and lots of people thought it was fine, at the the time it felt really awkward and intrusive... and no, there was no long lost family on the other side of the world that couldn't attend.

Relative of mine requested a church service open to everyone, then family only to the crem and no wake.

The vicar was significantly late to the church. After church the crem wasn’t for a few hours so we chatted to a few people outside the church then went to another relative’s house for food before going on. The vicar said he had a meeting and wouldn’t come for lunch but meet us at the crem. He was late again.
There’s worse that he did but it’s outing.