Has anyone ever been to a “bad0 funeral

[Iamnotagoddess]

Discussing with a friend who is supporting another friend who has had a close relative die suddenly.

Didn’t want to go to Co-Op felt it was too “cheap” and have gone elsewhere and are spending 8k.

She cannot afford it.

Does it actually make any difference?

I can’t remember going to a funeral and thinking the funeral was shit other than the obvious actual shitness of it.

It was flipping hard work but we arranged DM's funeral ourselves – no funeral director. Direct cremation was done before the funeral, then we picked her ashes up ourselves, service at our local church including an organist, we brought our own bouquets and decorations, designed our own memorial booklets and had them printed, hired the town hall for the wake and sorted out a playlist ourselves which the church administrator kindly played for us. It came to about £2300.

The reverend met us beforehand for a chat and was so wonderful and respectful and never once got her name wrong! It was a beautiful thing to be a part of. I've never been to a bad funeral but the whole reason we organised it ourselves was because our original funeral director was fucking appalling!!!

My Mum's was awful and really depressing. Dad organised it and I should've had more input really. It was at the bleakest busiest crematorium this city has to offer and was like being on a conveyor belt, we were hot on the heels of another family with yet another waiting to go after us, a vicar delivered a dreary sermon with almost no personal stuff about Mum and the only music was a turgid hymn. She wasn't religious and there was absolutely nothing appropriate about it.
When Dad's turn came a few years later we held it a privately run crematorium slightly out of the city with a humanist celebrant who was lovely and took great interest in who Dad had been. Completely different experience. Allowing for inflation the two cost roughly the same.

At my nans funeral the vicar talked about her grandchildren started naming us and said my name wrong. It really got to me. Not only that he didn't talk about the things that mattered to my nan but I think that was down to my grandad. He only saw the side of my nan to do with him. Not the whole person she was. I know funerals aren't nice. My nan and grandad had sorted out their funeral plans years before. Very practical about it. I don't know...the money spent etc such as how much the coffin was worth is irrelevant isn't it really. I've always been told funerals cost a lot of money regardless. I think the service and how that person is remembered and honoured makes the funeral good or bad.

We recently arranged a lovely funeral for about £4K. We found the independent funeral directors much better value and nicer than the chains.

Hospital paper work- £164
vicar - £215
coffin - £250+
Crematorium disbursements - £675
Funeral Director fees - £1225
flowers from florist for coffin
food and drink

It's quite shocking to hear posters experience of celebrants getting the deceased names wrong.

I haven't a huge experience of funerals but the ones I've been to have all taken place at a crematorium and followed a similar pattern for the service. Generally followed by buffet and drinks at family home. I have no idea whether there was a difference in cost due to the particular coffin.

My parents have/ had prepaid their funerals and my mum has chosen what she wants in terms of hymns, reading etc. We had assumed that my dad had done the same but although he had prepaid he hadnt chosen the service, I think because he expected to go first and that my mum would know what he wanted, unfortunately mum has dementia. I hope that what DB and I chose were what he would have wanted.

We've had an increase in funerals in the last 2 or 3 years (we're at that stage of life, sadly), and after my dad's funeral in the early 1990s cost a lot more money than we had at the time, even though it was a pretty basic funeral, my very savvy uncle set up funeral plans for himself and my mum. It meant that when they died, their funeral costs were covered very well by the plan; he'd gone for the mid-range option. If we'd had to pay the current full price we could barely have afforded the most basic option without having to go into debt.

So getting a funeral plan is on our "to do" list in the next few months as I don't want my family being left with the burden. My dad, uncle and mother both had semi-religious funerals, led by someone who had known them since childhood (or, in my dad's case, since he married my mother); my aunt (the most recent, a couple of years ago) had a humanist funeral, at which several of her children gave a short speech.

I'm not sure about my aunt but the other three were definitely Co-op funerals and I don't remember anyone being sniffy about the Co-op not being good enough or expensive. There's a reason they've been doing this for so many years in the town where I grew up, though as someone says, so much depends on the individual funeral arranger or director and how good they are. At all of the funerals we had laughter and tears and music and photographs and memories.

Kudos to those of you who did everything yourselves, I remember reading a magazine article about just that years ago. I think I still have it somewhere though prices will have increased, I'm sure. I personally like the idea of becoming a tree - www.beatree.com

It's funny; it's the one thing we all know is going to happen to us someday, no matter how poor we are, or how rich and want other people to know it (£8k for a funeral? Blimey. That seems quite a lot of money to go up in smoke or be put in the ground. It might sound a bit harsh, but it won't bring them back and it's equally unlikely to assure them a better seat in heaven, hell or wherever we go.).

Oh, Caxx

@Caxx so sorry that you lost both your child and your husband

I went on a study day at a local funeral directors and I was very impressed by how the bodies are treated with so much respect!! They genuinely do care whereas I think that the chain funeral directors are literally running a business !!

Having the right person running the service makes such a difference .The celebrant who did my mother’s funeral really was so lovely and intuitive. Absolutely amazing and helped and guided us through such a difficult time !

(((Caxx)))

X

My dad's funeral earlier this year was done by a local independent Funeral Director. We had a service with a human celebrant, a hearse & one car, my dad was cremated & including the wake the whole lot cost less that £4000. For a very sad occasion, it was a lovely day & the funeral director & his staff were so respectful to both my dad & my mum & us, nothing was too much trouble.

I did go to a funeral where one of the pallbearers took hold of a "brass" handle on the side of the coffin and it came off in his hand. Seems it was plastic, not brass and was glued on.
I guess that was one of the less expensive coffins. But who tries to lift a coffin by a teeny handle anyway - that was never going to work even if it was solid gold.
I actually have no idea what either of my parents' funerals cost as they had arranged and paid for them themselves on what my mum used to call "pay now, die later" plans. We really had very little to organise and the only thing we paid for was our own flowers. But knowing them they will not have spent more than they had to and there was certainly nothing that looked cheap or wasn't tasteful.

My grandad was a man never late for anything and prided himself on a clean drivers license till he was 83/84

He was late for his own funeral, the director (who was actually his good friend) got pulled by the police driving a hearse of all things for something trivial and thus he was late.

Um well the invite said not black-
Only bright colours' so I wore these leggings with these shoes

Not one single other person had listened to the families wishes apart from
The family and they were very upset about it. I got some really odd looks walking in. But the family actually mentioned how upset they were no one was wearing bright colours.. they asked them to get changed before the wake!

When my aunt died she was very sick of cancer.
Her face looked very skinny by the end of her life and obviously after a few days, a death person’s face looks even more skinny.
During the funeral, after the service, the direct family opened the coffin to see her one last time without any notification that they were going to do so. I witnessed it and wish I hadn’t seen it, my lovely auntie’s face looked very scary. It was the thing I remember most about her funeral and more then a few attendees wished the family would have given notice before opening the coffin as more people had not wanted to see it.

Must add that I appreciate that they were overwhelmed with grief and probably hadn’t given it a second thought.

NewYoiker Fri 08-Nov-19 02:50:48
Um well the invite said not black-
Only bright colours' so I wore these leggings with these shoes

Not one single other person had listened to the families wishes apart from
The family and they were very upset about it. I got some really odd looks walking in. But the family actually mentioned how upset they were no one was wearing bright colours.. they asked them to get changed before the wake!
.........
I hope they'd brought something with them to change into! Glad you read the recommendations thoroughly, good on you.

I wore black to my husband's funeral, no unrelieved black; I had a lovely, fairly long (midi I suppose), skirt made of a lovely rustly superficially crumpled fabric, with a pale gold/beige bamboo pattern. A longline black silk top with a diagonal ruffle and black shoes (not heels but they looked fine); I wore a bit of jewellery including a red glass beaded necklace.

When I arrived at the restaurant where we were having the wake I went to the 'Ladies' and changed into some very good black jeans and a red flowery top, didn't have to change my shoes. I'd told everyone to wear whatever they wanted and my husband loved red so I wore it.

Totally different arrangements here in Ireland. Funerals are held usually two days after death, having being " waked" at home. Food and drink provided. Then funeral service at Church, followed by graveside burial.Flowers are picked on the grave , often wreaths from other people.Then usually food and drink after again.
The funeral directors are small independent ones.They will come to the home with suggestions, etc. Price is never mentioned. Priest also comes to the home with suggested readings, etc. No order of service booklets as it is always the same service. You can choose hyms or songs.

My friend is a funeral director and often doesn't get paid until well after the funeral. As a rule , he would wait a year ( ! ) to send a bill to a non payer.

It is slowly changing and more people are choosing cremation or non traditional services.

I have used the Co Op twice for both my mum and dad’s funeral.

My dad’s was 8 years ago and the service We received was outstanding.

Mum’s was ok -nothing wrong but things had changed with the set up. Much younger staff who didn’t really seem to be able to empathise ( although they weren’t disrespectful just seemed”a job” if that makes sense ?). They were ok, nothing to complain about but I wouldn’t use them again

My mum was at a funeral of a dad at DCs school, he was in his 50s. About 8 people came and the person who did the eulogy basically said ‘joe bloggs was a horrible man and the world will be a better place now he isn’t in it’. I think he was a miserable husband.

I think the choice of funeral directors very much depends on local hearsay. When my DGM died, my parent (who doesn’t live nearby and is ordained) rang the local vicar to ask for recommendations. Easier to have a clergy to clergy conversation. General my parent says the local firms are better (they have to be to keep going, whereas the chains exist because people have heard of the name) but there are exceptions.

If you don’t like the initial funeral director you can change. My friend was unimpressed by the firm looking after her son and asked another firm to take over instead.

Most independent funeral companies have been brought out by large American companies.

We have three in our town that have been independent for decades- but they have been brought out but left to appear independent- but the prices have escalated upwards considerably.

My Grandad’s funeral was a coop one about four months ago. They were amazing with us, the funeral director? (The person who organised it all and we were in contact with) was lovely and took the time to talk though carrying the coffin with me and special arrangements to acknowledge my nanna who couldn’t attend due to her own ill health. Couldn’t fault them but round here they aren’t known to be cheap but somewhere you go for good quality and service.