Has anyone ever been to a “bad0 funeral

[Iamnotagoddess]

Discussing with a friend who is supporting another friend who has had a close relative die suddenly.

Didn’t want to go to Co-Op felt it was too “cheap” and have gone elsewhere and are spending 8k.

She cannot afford it.

Does it actually make any difference?

I can’t remember going to a funeral and thinking the funeral was shit other than the obvious actual shitness of it.

It is a lot of money, the Co-op is not cheap either, that sounds snobbish (wonder if you get divi?).

I don't know about a 'bad' funeral as such but some years ago I went to the funeral of an older cousin whom I hadn't seen for donkey's years; I went with my other cousin, her sister, who lives not far from me in London.

There were very few of us at the funeral, her children of course, their spouses and one grandchild, another woman, my cousin, me and cousin's friend. The CofE vicar who'd been booked was like Dick Emery (if anyone remembers him), the same grin and teeth. When he spoke (he'd been given a resume), he got names wrong and whisked through it all. Nobody knew him. Then it was over.

I felt it was all a bit fake in a way. However her children were very good having her funeral up here, they did that to make things easier for her sister who wasn't up to travelling. So you can't have everything.

Like someone else has said, I'm going to have one of those simple cremations - more and more people are doing that and it makes sense to me. If anyone wants to have a drink and meal in memory of me at a later date, that's up to them.

My husband's funeral was quite expensive, more than I thought it would be. My son organised it and there were about 100 in attendance and at the wake, which was in a restaurant, sixty or seventy people. It went off very well but we'd decided he should have a woodland burial, he himself had said at one time he thought that was a good option. It was very beautiful (even though it poured with rain and was muddy :-) ), which was unexpected because it had been so very hot up until then, but cost more than I'd bargained for. Never mind, that's life (& death). I can have my ashes either buried in or scattered on husband's grave, will plant some bulbs on there to come up next year.

We didn't have cars, only one for me and son following the hearse. Everybody else had their own transport, my cousins came by taxi. We offered lifts to the wake in our car but most people were sorted. Also we didn't buy a very expensive coffin, it will biodegrade or whatever they call it. Those caskets that some people have for the woodland are unbelievably expensive.

I'm glad we did that for my old man. A friend of my son, who is a musician but does other things, speaking, being master of ceremonies and that sort of thing, did the funeral service at the graveside which was very good. My son also spoke, he'd written a 'script' and some of that was very witty towards the end. I spoke off the top of my head at the wake. It was good as far as something like that could be. It wasn't 'flash'.

At the wake, the guy who did the funeral service arrived a bit later and said he'd driven home to have a complete change of clothes, he was soaked! Bless him, he was more exposed than the rest of us, we had trees over us and most of us had umbrellas. All we got were muddy shoes.

I would always go with an independent funeral director. Don't fall for the cardboard coffin guff as they cost as much as the standard flat pack one does. The Coop is fine, but can be very soul-less. I have a lot of experience with funerals, having been a church organist and played for thousands over my almost 30 years in that job. And the right celebrant makes all the difference.

I went to the funeral of someone whose husband was in a relationship with the macmillan nurse. It was all perfectly nice, but there was an atmosphere I couldn't understand, until I found out later.

The co op were brilliant for my grandfathers funeral. No one would have known it was done by the co op, unless they recognised the funeral directors and actually, I didn’t even know there was any ‘snobbery’ about funeral directors.

The co op funeral ‘front man’ in our town is so lovely. Unfortunately for him, the independent is really well known and is still very much peoples traditional go to, but this is starting to change as the co op becomes more established.

In Judaism funerals are nothing like the funerals described here, I’ve only ever to one non Jewish funeral. There is no cost if you are a member of a synagogue which most people are. There is a standard funeral, a standard coffin, it’s held within 24-48 hours of a death and follows a bog standard service, no flowers, no order of service the only personalisation is in the eulogy. There’s no planning, you simply tell the burial service that there has been a death and they do everything else and simply tell you what time the funeral is and you turn up. They can’t really be bad as they’re all exactly the same

wonder if you get divi? The divi account money is taken off the invoice for the funeral (used to work in probate when we had a co-op with a divi).

My Dads funeral is next week
I’m happy that he arranged what he wanted in advance even down to choosing his coffin
It’s a local independent and am expecting everything to go well
As a family we will be spending big on the wake - want a lovely meal and everyone who wants to can be there
I’ve splashed out on a new dress and coat and will be having my hair and nails done just as I would for any other important occasion - it will make me feel better to send him on his way in style
It really doesn’t matter to me what anyone else thinks

I went a funeral where the friend died after a long period of alcoholism

Her dad was a no show but paid for a fancy coffin

It was so weird and sad and I was the only person who spoke , and I just said The Lords Prayer

I should add that there was a time when some funeral directors charged for the cars all day, rather than the few hours you have them, but that may have changed. Make sure you check your bill afterwards.

JaceLancs
May he rest in peace

I've never been to a bad one myself and AFAIK have not conducted one badly either (I am a very occasional humanist/independent celebrant). But I remember hearing a few stories from other people on the training course about awful church funerals when neither the deceased nor the bereaved were churchgoers and how this had motivated them to take the training course. Obviously there are vicars who will do the best job possible for someone they didn't know, but some are apparently pretty perfunctory about it and some apparently use it as a chance to tout for business, so to speak.

Direct cremation planned here.
No service or mourners

A family firm (not part of the dignity chain!) is often cheaper than the coop. I organise many funerals each year and deal with several local providers and the two family firms are cheaper, more transparent and friendlier. Around £3500 for basic coffin, cars, professional services, cremation, Vicar/celebrant and basic flowers etc

Ps we have never got a name wrong but the PA system did fail once. The key is to personalise it to what you want, hard at a crem due to time restraints but in a church you can have whatever you want within reason

We had an awful time for my grandmothers funeral looking back you have to try and see the funny side, a comedy of errors.

We arrived at the chapel of rest and she was in the wrong coffin we’d paid for a “nice” coffin and she had been placed into a much cheaper one

She was missing tights (she was always cold when alive so that really bothered me and I had to go back the next day to put them on as the co-op wouldn’t) not a big deal in the grand scheme of things to most people but upsetting

They’d removed her jewellery prior to viewings rather then just prior to the service

They spelt her name wrong on her name plate

The flowers got lost on the way to the house prior to the family (organised directly not via the co-op) a 3 mile journey ended up taking 2 hours and just arriving on time with my brother and I ending up flagging the driver down.

The problem with the interment month at the crematorium, she’d died in one month but her funeral was the First day of the following month so her remains was due to be added into the funeral month but the undertaker hadn’t told us this, my grandfather had died years previously in the same month so she would’ve wanted to be in the plot of the same month, this was the straw that broke my DM, ended up offering to dig the whole ourselves however the crem did it eventually

So yeah it was a bad run up to the funeral, the funeral itself was ok and I think she would’ve liked it but would never use the co-op again, we’d had a slight issue with them before at another relatives funeral but this experience was just awful

I think it depends on the person, there's no one size fits all.

For my grandfathers funeral he wanted something with minimal fuss but emphasis on religion, it may have looked cheap to some - we had no flowers, very basic tea and coffee and spent extra to have his priest for many years (who had retired) come out of retirement and be the celebrant.

For my grandmothers funeral I did food myself - it may have looked cheap but it was ideal in memory of grandma.
We went direct to a florist and went overboard $ wise on flowers.
My grandmother loved flowers and had she had worked in kitchens most of her life, being able to bake and serve her recipes for the day was very special for us - the cost saving was an unintentional side effect

I don’t like the crem funerals. It feels like a conveyer belt with the next funeral waiting to come in as you leave.

I went to one where the celebrant didn’t know the deceased and was very off the mark about her.

The best funeral I ever went to was organised by the deceased, an alcoholic who died from liver cancer.
Yes, it was held in a brewery.

She’s mad. I used the Co-op for both my parents’ funerals. They did a very good job.

Round here, Co-op are well respected, good quality and honest. It's the independent family businesses you've got to watch out for sometimes, they're not accountable to anyone and tend to cut corners, sometimes shockingly so. But It could well be very different in other areas. I know it's difficult to make a well informed choice when you're in the throes of grief and under pressure to make decisions, but go with your gut, and if a funeral director doesn't make you feel like your loved one's funeral is their very first priority, you can still go elsewhere. How much you spend shouldn't make a difference. But you'll know within minutes whether your chosen funeral director cares about you or not.

When I was married to my first husband, we went to his uncle’s funeral (by marriage, ie married to his father’s sister). Uncle was a local dignitary so the church was packed. The vicar spoke about uncle’s charity work and MBE, then subsequently ruined it by saying that he had died in the local Mental Hospital instead of the Memorial Hospital.

Oh, by the way, don't get palmed off by a lazy celebrant or vicar. Insist on meeting them beforehand, several times even if necessary, if you're not convinced they'll give you the funeral you need. It's their job, and they shouldn't get away with cutting corners any more than the funeral directors should.

My dads funeral was with the coop and it was by beautifully done. Really sensitive.

I have been to good funerals and to some bloody crap funerals (priest forgetting name of deceased (my dad!) and the other I was verger at - the priest arrived late and complained about the CD I'd put on for mourners while we were waiting - the deceased was a fan of Robbie Williams, so I had announced that we'd play some of his favourite music while we were waiting. The priest was furious as it 'wasn't appropriate"- if he'd arrived on time we wouldn't have needed to. He then took ages to get himself sorted - I don't know why - he'd arrived in his cassock and only needed to put on a surplice and stole, and get his notes and book, but he'd "been rushed" and "needed five minutes" (fair enough, but his arrogance)- he said "Let them wait - they can't start without me". Then he went out and started cracking jokes ffs! About a man he didn't know to family he hadn't met (he hadn't done the funeral visit himself). It went down like a lead balloon. It was embarrassing - and a dreadful advert for the church (he wasn't our usual priest - he was away.)

It totally depends on who is leading the funeral - I've seen wonderful faith funerals and atheist funerals, and equally I've seen shite ones of both types.

I would say that everybody concerned - from the funeral directors to the officiants - almost always do their very best to make the experience as positive one as possible, whether you've got the cheapest funeral or one with all the bells and whistles.

Gits like the priest I mentioned are few and far between, thank God.

DM went to a neighbour's where the deceased's children and relatively new partner clearly did not get on. The church was split with people who knew the children or the partner sitting on opposite sides and nobody in the middle.

There were eulogies from two people (that contradicted each other), prayers led by two different people etc.

At the end, the congregation split into their two groups and went off to their two separate wakes.