Has anyone ever been to a “bad0 funeral

[Iamnotagoddess]

Discussing with a friend who is supporting another friend who has had a close relative die suddenly.

Didn’t want to go to Co-Op felt it was too “cheap” and have gone elsewhere and are spending 8k.

She cannot afford it.

Does it actually make any difference?

I can’t remember going to a funeral and thinking the funeral was shit other than the obvious actual shitness of it.

Our local crematorium charges for playing music.

The eulogy said things of questionable truth about how the deceased had met her surviving partner, does that count as bad.

If you mean on the cheap, then no.

My Nan had a co op funeral she'd prepaid for. It was no different to any other funeral I've been to.
The service was held in the crematorium, it was fairly busy as she'd had a large family, several hymns, lots of nice flowers & we used the chaplain from the hospital who was lovely.

I’m irish, I’ve been to 4 funerals already this year. It’s custom to go for colleagues, neighbours, parents of friends.

The only bad funeral was a memorial service, my friend who lived in the US, her parents & siblings live in Ireland. Another friend screamed, sobbed & threw herself to the floor while her husband delivered his eulogy. A complete wagon. I was embarrassed for her

I've been to two bad funerals and a terrible Christening.

The first bad one was Co-Op and the pall bearers all looked a bit scruffy. The vicar was transitioning from male to female and seemed to have this as the theme even though she barely knew the deceased. Kept referring to new starts as a different person and stuff like that.

The second funeral was the second husband of an aquaintance. They had only been married a short while when he died. They played a song that was really inappropriate. Everyone was looking around at each other as we listened to the lyrics which indicated the deceased knew his widow had only married him for his money. A real cringe moment. I asked around quietly after and the deceased had chosen it! On getting to know the widow a fair bit better since the funeral, it is evident she did only marry him for his money. She had made no effort to find a nice photo of him for the front of the order of the service either. He had food all over his face and yet he was fastidious. She would have had to make an effort to find a photo of him looking bad. She had latched on to someone else within a week.

The funeral of a teenager where the bereaved mother got up to give the eulogy. After one paragraph, the celebrant tapped her on the shoulder and told her to sit down because they had run out of time.

THAT is bloody disgraceful!

It means that the celebrant has taken too long with other parts of the service.

It means that the celebrant has taken too long with other parts of the service

Yes indeed. Probably because he seemed to intersperse set parts of the service with his own extemporaneous ramblings about how awful it was to lose a child. He was shockingly bad.

There was really no need to keep very strictly to a set time as it was in a church and not a Crematorium. Another 5 mins to listen to the mother give her child’s eulogy would have been fine. Or maybe cut the last hymn .

The mother was ( very unusually ) one of the pall bearers, which was hard to see. She said that she had carried her child into the world and was going to carry them out .

SHARON

That is heartbreaking.

And as for cutting a grieving mother short when there was no need to - all I can think is that the celebrant had another funeral to lead somewhere else and wanted to be away. These people aren't cheap, either - TBH, I don't think they should do more than two funerals in any one day (am and pm), but some will pack them in if they get the chance their argument is that they never know how long it will be before their next job etc so make hay while the sun shines)

They aren't all like this, though - I've attended some wonderful humanist services - and some bloody awful religious ones!

I've never had anyone rudely cut a funeral service short like this, but I have seen an organist leave a service before the end of a wedding, because the bride had been over an hour late (apparently she hadn't liked her hair so had insisted it was re-done) and he had another service to play at in another church. She didn't bother (and nor did any of the bridesmaid's or her dad) to ring anyone and let them know - not that it would have made much difference, except the groom and guests would have been less stressed.

I was verging at that particular wedding, and I also had had a lot of dealings with that particular organist, and I know that he always gave himself plenty of time to allow for people getting held up in traffic etc, so I don't think he was being just arsey. He was there to play the bride in, but didn't play her out.

What happened at the Christening scotchegg

(Apologies if this is a bit of a derail)

I once went to a funeral where the deceased’s brother had dug the grave himself. It was too small for the coffin. They made several attempts to lower it down but it kept getting stuck. In the end everyone went for a cup of tea in the church hall while the brother climbed down into the hole wearing his best suit and dug it a bit bigger.

@KurriKurri But I can't say I ever given much thought to whether a funeral waas cheap or expensive - you don't really notice such things if you were close to the deceased.

So easy to say when money is no issue for you! Try having someone close die suddenly when you don't have access to £2/3/4K

I used the Coop for my mum, mainly because growing up all our family used them (in Scotland) and the wake was always held in the Coop halls.
Anyway, never again, during the final meeting, the lady dealing with me (so all the arrangements, timings, what mum would wear etc) took three calls on her mobile.

@gingerchaos Wow. That's pure hatred right there

Been really interesting to read this thread as a professional Independent Funeral Celebrant.

I’d agree with many posters that it is the quality of the celebrant that makes the difference in how a service leaves you feeling - that’s why I trained to do the job. I spend hours with a family learning as much as I can about their loved one and each service is bespoke - not cut and paste like the religious ones. But the thing it’s worth me sharing is that I get paid the same amount by all Funeral Directors. So I do services for companies that charge £8k and one that charges less than £3k. And the one I recommend to my own family and friends is the cheapest one which happens to be independent. Their suits aren’t quite as smart and they don’t wear top hats like the expensive guys but the care and flexibility they give to families is actually much better.

So I’d say you don’t always get what you pay for - in terms of value anyway. Try and get a recommendation for a celebrant - you don’t have to accept the person a Funeral Director suggests. Have a look online and read reviews. And definitely don’t be pushed towards a religious minister if you or your loved one wasn’t religious. I’ll still say the Lord’s Prayer or include a hymn if the family want me to (many are somewhere in the middle and want to hedge their bets just in case!) but the main difference is that I focus on the celebration of THEIR life and what they meant to people rather than the ‘religious club’ they belonged to.

@SchadenfreudPersonified

A celebrant's fee is in the region of £200 aligned with the set Church of England minister's fee. It is by no means lucrative. That includes the travel time to meet a family, the time with them, hours and hours writing a bespoke service, revising it with the family, liaising with the Funeral Director, assisting with the order of service and delivering the funeral on the day (arriving early and leaving after the mourners). Also guiding the family and answering questions throughout the process. I do the job because I was drawn to the caring nature of it, definitely not for the money!

We used a celebrant for my FIL funeral. He wanted a non religious cremation. She was excellent. The run up to his death was difficult. He was an alcoholic. She sensed thing were tense when she met with dh and his brother. She allowed them time to speak about. The funeral was just at the right pitch.i wouldn't hesitate to use a celebrant again.

Cantwaitforsummer2020

How dare you make assumptions about me - you have no idea whether I have money or not (as it happens I am very low income).
You have no idea whether I have had someone close to me die suddenly and had to find the cost of a funeral.

Mainly because you have totally misunderstood my post - read it more carefully and you might grasp you have got the wrong end of the stick completely. Maybe brush up your comprehensipon skills before you lay into someone.
You are incredibly rude and have no idea how upsetting it is to have someone make a nasty judgement - you don't know if I have recently been bereaved and had to cover costs or anything about me.

The thread wasn;t even about the cost side of things, it was about the emotional side and that was largely what my post was about.
Can;t believe someone would jump onto what is essentially a zombie thread just to be nasty to someone they've never even met.

Christ MN is vile sometimes.

@Vanillarose1 it’s interesting to hear your comments on funeral directors and I’m glad to hear that you provide such a personal service to bereaved families.

But not ALL religious services are “ cut and paste “. And your comment that

“the difference is that I focus on the celebration of THEIR life and what they meant to people rather than the ‘religious club’ they belonged to”

is very disrespectful, both to people of faith and to minsters of religion.

I think this threads shows that celebrants of all faiths and none can do an excellent or very poor job. Let’s not make this thread an attack on people who believe differently from us.

@SHARON

OK fair point, I genuinely apologise to anyone offended by my description. It’s based on the religious funerals that I’ve attended myself and the feedback I hear time and again from both families and Funeral Directors who have had poor experiences with religious services. I completely accept that there are some great ministers and some truly dreadful celebrants - there’s plenty of evidence for both on this thread!

I do believe that if the focus is on the religion and the passing from one life into another rather than who that person was to their family, it can feel very impersonal though, especially if it was the individual who was religious and not their family. Likewise, if you’re a religious family, it could feel very ‘unfinished’ if you choose a celebrant that doesn’t use the conventions of religion that you’re expecting so it works both ways.

My main point is that people need to do what is right for them and their loved one. They shouldn’t be pushed into doing what is “traditional” or expensive. I’ve officiated ceremonies where a man was buried on his own land, where a whole community brought their skills and resources together to celebrate the life of their local landlord in their village hall and even a Dr Who themed funeral. Times have moved on and families often aren’t shown anything beyond a standard church service.

I've been to one where the vicar kept getting the deceased name wrong and another where the vicar got lots of names wrong, neither had anything to do with the price paid.

The funeral of my great aunt was appallingly bad. The vicar used the "service" to rant against people who didn't go to church and who chose other paths. It also took place in a pokey little chapel at the cemetery. It was awful.

Have been to some lovely humanist funerals where the life of the person, a funny moment or heart warming incident has been shared.
Music has been personalised by the family onto tape.

I know if you over run the time slot in the crematorium there are additional charges so they tend to be paced and shorter than church ones.
Haven't been to any bad ones although sometimes the music
hasn't been appropriate in my view and has reflected someone elses likes perhaps?

My dads funeral could have been better. His brother who was going to do a speech didn't do it and there was not enough food at the wake ( and he was big on food!). I think a good funeral it is all running smoothly, dignified and a chance for people to remember the person that has died. I don't remember the details of flowers/ coffins etc.

My dad had a religious service at his place of worship & then a burial afterwards. The funeral directors were connected to the religious centre. The minister knew my dad personally so was very respectful & did a lovely service. We had a wake at the local community centre which all his friends and family attended. Dad didn't want fancy stuff but wanted good food for everyone so that's where a lot of the money went. We're up north so the whole funeral cost £3.5k including grave plot costs.

We didn't scrimp for my mum's funeral by any means and I'm sure it came in around £5k. £8k seems a lot!