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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it tight and weird to only buy for dcs at Xmas?

185 replies

Cakeyhead · 07/11/2019 12:08

We have three teenage dcs. Christmas is going to be tight this year. Oldest dc is at uni and we've had to supplement his loan, youngest dc has moved to private school (SEN). Just had to pay a huge car breakdown bill. So we aren't on the breadline which makes this decision harder, but for the next few years money is going to be really really tight.

Every year I put 10 in a card for my brothers who are both over 30, unmarried, no kids. Give my dsis a gift card (25) and buy my parents things from m and s with a gift receipt so they can return. My mum is really fussy and used to make a huge drama if people bought her things that she thought were 'weird', hence the reciept. Ususally spend about 50 or 60 on parents.I have one niece who I like to spend about 30 on.

One year I suggested buying for kids only, but my siblings got arsey because they have one dc between them (my niece) and I have 3. My parents also thought I was mean for not putting the 10 in the card for my brothers.

My mum always buys me something like a cheap toilertry set that i don't want or need, and gives the dds £10 each, which I do think is a bit tight but they dont have much money either.

I had an awful childhood although ive moved on from that now but i barely see my parents so the whole thing seems hollow. They refuse to travel to see us (we're near Birmingham they are just east of London).

My dsis is an alcoholic which she's trying to cope with but this year she's sent me some really quite nasty texts which have upset me so my contact with her is minimal. I'd love to spend a bit more on her dd, my niece. Last year dsis was so drunk and skint she didnt get my dds anything which was fine, she was in a bad place. However she did say to them she'd get them something in the new year and just never did despite getting herself botox.

Sorry this is long and rambling.

Dh says just be firm and say kids only.

Wwyd and aibu?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 07/11/2019 12:10

We only buy for kids in our family.

Wildorchidz · 07/11/2019 12:12

We stopped buying for anyone except kids years ago. Used to do Kris Kringle for adults but stopped that. We buy for our own dcs and dh’s godchildren. That’s it. The world didn’t end.

BeanBag7 · 07/11/2019 12:12

I do think it's a bit unfair to say "presents for kids only" when your siblings dont even have kids. It basically means they have to buy 3 gifts each but you dont have to buy anything.

makingmiracles · 07/11/2019 12:13

Yanbu kids only. If the adults want to sulk about it, let them!

Raphael34 · 07/11/2019 12:14

Definitely buy for kids only. I’m surprised you’re giving cash gifts to adult siblings, and there’s no need to spend that much on your mum when she’s spending a fraction of that on her grandchildren. Christmas should be about children. I’d simply tell the lot that you can no longer afford to buy so many presents this year so you’re focusing on kids only

Original poster
Cakeyhead · 07/11/2019 12:14

I do think it's a bit unfair to say "presents for kids only" when your siblings dont even have kids. It basically means they have to buy 3 gifts each but you dont have to buy anything

I did say this to dh and he said yeah because having kids is such a money saver! I suppose he means they dont have kids so have far more disposable income.

OP posts:
ChileConCarne · 07/11/2019 12:14

We don’t have kids and I’ve asked this year that no one gets us gifts. There’s nothing we want or need and I don’t like the clutter.

MaybeNew · 07/11/2019 12:16

Kids only is absolutely fine. There is nothing forcing your siblings to buy for your kids unless they want to and they are too old to be given cash in a card.

Frankly it sounds as if no one but you is making any effort so just stop it. Out of interest, what do your siblings buy for you?

Original poster
Cakeyhead · 07/11/2019 12:16

I don't want or need any more cheap gift sets tbh. Honestly I just want the dcs to be happy and a few nice meals, that's it this year.

OP posts:
Raphael34 · 07/11/2019 12:16

Beanbag I’ve been in that situation and didn’t find it unfair at all. I don’t give to receive and buy presents for the kids because I like to. I think it’s unreasonable for an adult to expect gifts in lieu of the children they don’t have. If anyone found that unfair then I’d just tell them not to get my kids anything if they didn’t like not getting stuff in return

Original poster
Cakeyhead · 07/11/2019 12:17

Out of interest, what do your siblings buy for you?

Last year my dsis and db1 didn't get anything. Db2 always gets me a cheap fun nerdy present that i quite look forward to.

OP posts:
Batqueen · 07/11/2019 12:18

It was your choice to have kids though. Yes it’s expensive, but you chose that. You are literally asking others to subsidise that by giving presents and not getting in return. YANBU to massively scale back though to boxes of chocolates or something, especially given they don’t seem to make much of an effort for you.

Latersxx · 07/11/2019 12:20

I am from a big family, for the adults we do a “secret Santa”, where you pick 1 person out of a hat (or a plastic box on the occasion), cost is limited to £25.

We still buy for kids

Batqueen · 07/11/2019 12:21

Given your update I would say give a present to those that give you one from all of you. To those that give just the kids one, give them a present with just the kids names on - how about an adorable picture of them in a frame Grin

GettingABitDesperateNow · 07/11/2019 12:21

If they dont want to do this, I'd be blunt and say you cant afford christmas this year. Ask if everyone would prefer a token gift (box if chocolates, bottle of beer etc) or do a secret Santa between you all

Cauliflowerpower · 07/11/2019 12:22

I would just give Mum something about the £10 (a cheap gift set!) and DB 2 something and Dneice and forget about the others! If they don't bother with you or yours!

BikeRunSki · 07/11/2019 12:23

We’ve only bought for U18s for 10 years. This is the first year one of my nephews has been over 18, interesting to see how this will play out.

Original poster
Cakeyhead · 07/11/2019 12:23

It was your choice to have kids though. Yes it’s expensive, but you chose that. You are literally asking others to subsidise that by giving presents and not getting in return of course I am not! they don't have to buy anything for their nephews and nieces if they don't want to.

OP posts:
TeenPlusTwenties · 07/11/2019 12:25

We buy presents for the youngest generation - would that work?
So sibling with kids - buy for the kids, sibling without kids - buy for the sibling.

Original poster
Cakeyhead · 07/11/2019 12:27

Not sure my dsis would like that plan as she is the most obsessed with getting presents!

OP posts:
Majorcollywobble · 07/11/2019 12:28

Your mother’s attitude is infuriating!
Get her a gift set instead of the M&S voucher . Get your Dad socks .
Still give to your brothers but a wrapped silly present .
Spend any money you save on your own DC .
Bah humbug !

Chloe84 · 07/11/2019 12:28

OP YANBU. There’s another thread where the responses have gone very differently and most people have advised to stop sending gifts.

Just send a text to them all saying due to finances being tight you will no longer be doing presents and that please don’t feel you have to get DD anything.

Then use the money you save on whatever you want to, just not on these entities, ungrateful twats!

Leeds2 · 07/11/2019 12:29

I would stop buying presents for all of them. They don't sound like they put any thought into what they buy, if they buy anything. Just tell them that this is what you are doing.

furrytoebean · 07/11/2019 12:32

I dont have kids and think this arrangement is really unfair.

Basically it means because you chose to have kids your relatives have to buy a present for each of them without getting anything in return.

What we do in our family is arrange an 'experience' for everyone and that's the adults present to each other and then we buy for the kids.
If I was expected to buy for the kids and getting nothing at all in return I'd be a bit resentful.
I love my nieces and spend as much on them as I spend on my partner, there's no way I wouldn't buy them something but I do like to get a token 'I appreciate you' of my sister.

OMGshefoundmeout · 07/11/2019 12:33

Kids only is fine. The sooner we get away from this awful commercial habit of grown men and women swapping gifts that no one needs or wants the happier I’ll be. It’s a complete waste of money and resources. The only people DH and I buy for are little godchildren, our own adult D.C. and our mums (whom are both widowed. I think if our dad’s were still alive we might have stopped buying for them too) . We’ve cut out all other gifts. It’s so liberating. Last Christmas was the first year it was came into full effect leaving out all adult nieces, nephews and siblings and we were concerned it might make Christmas a bit dull but between games, eating, singing and wine we all had a great time.

I think the people complaining they only have 1 kid and you have 3 sum up perfectly why I hate the whole modern gift giving concept. It has become about giving to get back, not giving to give pleasure. People might as well just swap £20 notes. Quite how you handle it as a family though I’m not sure. Good luck with it.