Is it tight and weird to only buy for dcs at Xmas?

[Cakeyhead]

We have three teenage dcs. Christmas is going to be tight this year. Oldest dc is at uni and we've had to supplement his loan, youngest dc has moved to private school (SEN). Just had to pay a huge car breakdown bill. So we aren't on the breadline which makes this decision harder, but for the next few years money is going to be really really tight.

Every year I put 10 in a card for my brothers who are both over 30, unmarried, no kids. Give my dsis a gift card (25) and buy my parents things from m and s with a gift receipt so they can return. My mum is really fussy and used to make a huge drama if people bought her things that she thought were 'weird', hence the reciept. Ususally spend about 50 or 60 on parents.I have one niece who I like to spend about 30 on.

One year I suggested buying for kids only, but my siblings got arsey because they have one dc between them (my niece) and I have 3. My parents also thought I was mean for not putting the 10 in the card for my brothers.

My mum always buys me something like a cheap toilertry set that i don't want or need, and gives the dds £10 each, which I do think is a bit tight but they dont have much money either.

I had an awful childhood although ive moved on from that now but i barely see my parents so the whole thing seems hollow. They refuse to travel to see us (we're near Birmingham they are just east of London).

My dsis is an alcoholic which she's trying to cope with but this year she's sent me some really quite nasty texts which have upset me so my contact with her is minimal. I'd love to spend a bit more on her dd, my niece. Last year dsis was so drunk and skint she didnt get my dds anything which was fine, she was in a bad place. However she did say to them she'd get them something in the new year and just never did despite getting herself botox.

Sorry this is long and rambling.

Dh says just be firm and say kids only.

Wwyd and aibu?

Another option is just a family-wide secret santa with a strict spending limit?

I’d cut down tbh. However, if your eldest is at uni the they aren’t a child so I wouldn’t expect them to get anything if you go down the adults only route.

Just musing on this - before we had kids (not until my late-30's) - I honestly cannot imagine NOT buying a gift for my much-loved nieces and nephews just because I wasn't going to get something in return.

When there's a whole industry behind how we declutter the endless amounts of manufactured crap from our lives, this attitude ^^ is hard to understand, from an emotional AND environmental point of view.

"Sorry 5-year old DN. I didn't get you a present for Christmas because no one bought ME anything." Not an example I'd want to set, to be honest.

So you spend:
£10 each per brother,
£25 on alcoholic DSis
£30 on niece (sister's child)
£50 - £60 on parents.

So you'd save yourself £95 less whatever extra amount you spend on your niece.

Incidentally why do you spend less on DB than DSis? I think I'd feel that you cared less about me if you did this.

'My mum always buys me something like a cheap toilertry set that I don't want or need, and gives the dds £10 each, which I do think is a bit tight but they dont have much money either."
Why do you think that is tight when you know your parents don't have much money? That is being ungrateful.

"Not sure my dsis would like that plan as she is the most obsessed with getting presents!"
She's also the one who has been nasty to you in text messages and didn't buy you or your DD a present last year. She's a CF.

I don't know why your DH would comment suggesting your brother's have more disposable income. You have plenty and choose to spend it on private education for your child with SEN and in supplementing your eldest. Be prepared for them to comment on that if you say money will be tight for a few years when you're only saving £95 per year max. Not necessarily agreeing but just saying.
(You could come up with another reason instead).

Sounds like your oldest is an adult now so does this no kids rule apply to him?

Me and my sisters don't buy for each other anymore and stopped once my nieces were born and more recently my nephew. They have commented that it's unfair that I have to buy for them as I don't have kids so can't reciprocate but I don't care. I want to buy for them as I love them and I'm their auntie.

In my family we buy for kids until they turn 18 and the value is only £10, the husbands side we have to buy for every tom,dick and Harry £40 each including his nephew that has 2 children of his own.
The nephew has never bought anything for my 3 kids, its a constant discussion with the husband around Christmas time. But he can't seem to see the issue

sorry forgot to add i think just kids is completely fine as that's what Christmas is for kids

Option B could be to forgo presents outside of the immediate (nuclear) family, but instead meet up at a restaurant or event that everyone chips in to fund, instead. We do that for our friends now: a big Christmas party that everyone contributes to. It's a lot of fun and no stress!

I’m so with you in this OP. I hate shopping at the best of times and just don’t get the point of spending £700+ (oh yes) on gifts for people who don’t need them because if they desperately wanted something that cost £25 they could buy it themselves. We have gone a step further this year and said that no one has to buy for DC either and they won’t miss out because we will be hundreds of pounds better off and can do fun stuff with them.

It’s not being Scrooge it’s just saying I’d love to spend time, do something fun or whatever with our families and I won’t be disappointed when I open a gift and know it’s the third in a 3 for 2 offer but I’ve spent ages choosing something they will like.

Surely with all the Extinction Rebellion stuff going on we are heading down a less consumerist math again. If I have to throw something away that was fine to make room for a new thing I’ve been given then that’s not ok.

Do you know what? I would live to have a massive family Christmas and see everyone and buy lovely presents for everyone. But over the years I've realised noone gives a shit about that except me
A tenner for the dcs is a shit present, she has no interest in them, never asks what theyd like etc.

Can't be bothered! My dsis is happy, radio silence from everyone else

We only buy for kids, adults get food/wine. People have different financial situations and this makes it easy on everyone, no-one is stressed or embarrassed.

We buy for children and for my DB as he has no children. We don't buy him much, but he tends to buy something quite nice for my sons so I like to get a little something.

i echo what crinkle said, my DH and I have been buying for nieces and nephews for years because we love them and we didn’t expect anything back. If i want something i buy it for myself, no waste. Don’t care for presents really, it’s just things. Crack open the wine and get the cheese out, I’m happy with that.

We have a large extended family get together mid-December each year and we used to all buy for each other. It is just the under 18s now.

Just buy for your own kids. We do this now after years of wasting money on things for others that they don't want or need.

Its unfair to say buy for the children only if you have 3 and they all have 1 between them. So basically they are massively losing out.
I think its fairer to say cards only and that you are just buying for your own kids this year. I'd also tell my Mum I didnt want that gift set again and to not bother and get herself something instead.

We get for kids only.

If your siblings prefer, they can get a present for your dc to share like a family board game.

Can't believe those here who will only give a gift if they can be assured they'll get something of equal value back. Poor you, OP, you deserve better from your family.

I don't have children but my sister did. I also had, when I was in my 20s and 30s and 40s, a number of elderly aunts who'd been kind to me when I was a child but were living rather lonely lives, so I would buy them something – usually something nice to eat – so they didn't feel forgotten. It never occurred to me to expect anything back.

So basically they are massively losing out

I don't get how buying presents for loved nephews and nieces, can be framed as 'massively losing out' because these grown adults don't get something back.

Don't we teach our children that we don't give to receive?

They have commented that it's unfair that I have to buy for them as I don't have kids so can't reciprocate but I don't care. I want to buy for them as I love them and I'm their auntie

Agree completely.

YADNBU op, sick to your plan, dont be emotionally blackmailed by any of the others.

Why is it 'only buying for kids' fans always have a litter of their own DC with eager smiling faces?

Opposite here - we don't have any children, but would very much rather give up buying for adults and only buy for nieces. The adults are all buggers to buy for - if they want something, they have it!

@Cakeyhead

"Do you know what? I would live to have a massive family Christmas and see everyone and buy lovely presents for everyone. But over the years I've realised noone gives a shit about that except me"
Have you ever suggested it? I found that I enjoy Christmas less after my dad died. Also, when we stopped buying presents for some family it meant there was no longer a need to meet up and swap presents.
Now we have a nephew, we meet up with siblings and partners for a meal and drinks out at a pub during December to give nephew his presents.

"A tenner for the dcs is a shit present, she has no interest in them, never asks what theyd like etc."
You've already said your parents haven't got much money. You can't buy anything decent these days for £10 so they probably feel the DC can use it to add to other money they receive.

Why don't you suggest things the DC would like instead?

"Can't be bothered! My dsis is happy, radio silence from everyone else"
You haven't texted very long ago. Give them a chance. They are probably thinking about what to do.

I buy for nephews without receiving back, but if my brother had suggested it I would have found it really cheeky and just said we would all stop exchanging presents full stop. Fine to say you won't be buying for adults anymore and give them the choice if they want to buy for the kids anyway, totally unreasonable to expect them to.

So a 10quid off you're dsis is a shit present for you're dcs but you're happy to give you're dbros a 10r. You sounds like a CF if you're going no presents you tell them not to buy you're dc anything especially when they havent got dc of their own.