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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it tight and weird to only buy for dcs at Xmas?

185 replies

Cakeyhead · 07/11/2019 12:08

We have three teenage dcs. Christmas is going to be tight this year. Oldest dc is at uni and we've had to supplement his loan, youngest dc has moved to private school (SEN). Just had to pay a huge car breakdown bill. So we aren't on the breadline which makes this decision harder, but for the next few years money is going to be really really tight.

Every year I put 10 in a card for my brothers who are both over 30, unmarried, no kids. Give my dsis a gift card (25) and buy my parents things from m and s with a gift receipt so they can return. My mum is really fussy and used to make a huge drama if people bought her things that she thought were 'weird', hence the reciept. Ususally spend about 50 or 60 on parents.I have one niece who I like to spend about 30 on.

One year I suggested buying for kids only, but my siblings got arsey because they have one dc between them (my niece) and I have 3. My parents also thought I was mean for not putting the 10 in the card for my brothers.

My mum always buys me something like a cheap toilertry set that i don't want or need, and gives the dds £10 each, which I do think is a bit tight but they dont have much money either.

I had an awful childhood although ive moved on from that now but i barely see my parents so the whole thing seems hollow. They refuse to travel to see us (we're near Birmingham they are just east of London).

My dsis is an alcoholic which she's trying to cope with but this year she's sent me some really quite nasty texts which have upset me so my contact with her is minimal. I'd love to spend a bit more on her dd, my niece. Last year dsis was so drunk and skint she didnt get my dds anything which was fine, she was in a bad place. However she did say to them she'd get them something in the new year and just never did despite getting herself botox.

Sorry this is long and rambling.

Dh says just be firm and say kids only.

Wwyd and aibu?

OP posts:
Whiskeylover45 · 07/11/2019 15:12

This is the 3rd year we've only bought for kids, and it's a tradition we'll be continuing. We buy for DS, DSD, my god daughter and her brother. And some money in a card for DHs nephews (wouldn't usually but it's not there fault their parent is a pathological lying asshole).

It's rather odd that they are complaining as buying just for four kids, instead of say five (not counting partners) adults, and four kids. Makes them sound grabby to be honest. I'm with your DP, be firm, tell them that due to finances we will only be buying for the kids. You understand totally that your not expecting anything from them ypurself, and if they want to buy for the other adults that's fine but you wont be partaking in it. The repeat till it sinks in.

Even a tenna in a card for three adults is 30 quid, and if you are skint then it is a lot imo.

Like I said, they all sound odd.

BarbedBloom · 07/11/2019 15:15

Oh and I do buy for my brother as otherwise he would receive no presents at all and he likes getting them. Me and DH buy for each other too and enjoy it. I hate the Christmas is for kids mentality, I celebrate Yule anyway

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 07/11/2019 15:18

I think you'd be better off just saying no presents this year

iolaus · 07/11/2019 15:21

TBH if they all live near each other I'd probably go up to see them in December and offer to take them all out for lunch as my present to the adults (can be as cheap or expensive a place as you want) then give a physical present only to the niece (and tell them before this is what you are doing) - this is assuming you want to spend time with them

I do buy for my brother and his partner - they buy for all my kids and me and dh - I would be quite happy if they stopped for us adults but would continue to buy for them (if their son hadn't died then I may have switched to kids only)

DH's siblings all have children - all only buy for the kids but I don't remember it ever being said

NancyJoan · 07/11/2019 15:22

A secret Santa for the adults sounds like a great idea.
And £50 is a lot for your niece if things are tight.

aSofaNearYou · 07/11/2019 15:22

Personally I don't like the "kids only" rule if there's no particular reason for it other than the feeling that Christmas is only for kids. I like Christmas to be about the whole family. However if the reason is that money is tight then I don't see anything wrong with that and they would be the ones who were being unreasonable for kicking up a fuss.

I generally just buy for whoever I am with on Christmas Day, so if you aren't with them anyway on the day as you say you are LC then that would naturally just leave you buying for the kids.

WellTidy · 07/11/2019 15:24

I am an only child, so no siblings or nieces or nephews. DH and I have two children. DH is one of three though, and his sisters have children. One of his sisters proposed only buying for the children last year, and so that’s what we do now. It makes h t inhale much easier. We do still buy for our parents, but I’m sure that they wouldn’t mind at all if we decided not to if money was tight.

When my children are adults and are finding finances a bit tight, I would hope that they wouldn’t think twice about now buying for me and DH. I wouldn’t want them to even think about it. Their children must come first.

Original poster
Cakeyhead · 07/11/2019 15:24

So a 10quid off you're dsis is a shit present for you're dcs but you're happy to give you're dbros a 10r

The 10 is from my mum to the dcs. Their grandma. And I'm not happy to give ny db a 10 as i havent even seen him for ten years!

OP posts:
NancyJoan · 07/11/2019 15:25

Why is it 'only buying for kids' fans always have a litter of their own DC with eager smiling faces?

I instigated this with DH's family when we were still pre-kids, and between SIL and BIL there were 7 kids to buy for (not terribly eager/smiling tbh). I enjoyed buying for them, but didn't want to also buy for their parents, and also didn't need a Boots gift set or similar from them.

ShmooBooMoo · 07/11/2019 15:25

It seems a bit ridiculous for grown men to get het up about a lack of a tenner in their card at Christmas. Surely, as uncles to your children, your brothers should buy your kids an affordable gift without expectation of return. Time they grow up, I think. They're 30, not 13! One day, maybe they'll have children, maybe more than three each, and you'll be buying for more children than they currently are I dislike the 'counting' thing at Christmas. It destroys the spirit of giving.

In your shoes, I would politely ask your mum to buy you a gift card of your choice or donate to a charity of your choice, since you don't use toiletry sets.
You don't say why you gift your sister a £25 gift card but I would just focus on your niece if I were you. Not because she has sent some nasty texts and hasn't bought your children gifts (sounds like she's in a really bad place).
So, while I'd still buy your parents something (say, a £30 gift card between them for M&S that they can use to buy something for themselves), I agree with your DH. I would send your brothers and sister a nice card and focus on a nice gift for your niece. I think most adults, in my experience anyway, focus their attentions on trying to make Christmas special for the children in the family.
Btw, I assume your family is aware of your current financial constraints right now? If so, your brothers' and mum's attitude to the lack of a tenner in their card is especially odd given they're grown men...

happytobemrsg · 07/11/2019 15:29

We do Secret Santa between the adults & everyone also buys the kids (there are 7 grandchildren in total). Is that an option?

Justapatchofgrass · 07/11/2019 15:46

Tell them not to buy for your DC. simple

EKGEMS · 07/11/2019 15:48

I actually disagree I do think you need to buy presents for your family-a giant dump truck full of coal! Deliver the largest pile to your mother's front door!

Lsquiggles · 07/11/2019 15:52

Why are you giving £10 to your adult brothers? Do they not work? Confused

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 07/11/2019 15:53

That's all she can afford then you should be bloody grateful. Thats 10 quid each child so 30 pounds on you're dc plus her you and her other dc and DN.

Billben · 07/11/2019 15:54

And I'm not happy to give ny db a 10 as i havent even seen him for ten years!

I wouldn’t give him anything either. £10 in a card for an adult is ridiculous. Let alone if you haven’t even seen him in 10 years.

I would do kids only if I was you. Anybody queries it then you can explain your situation. If they won’t be understanding then that makes it easier on you. No presents because they don’t deserve it. I wouldn’t want to see anybody going through hardship just so I can have a tenner in a post once a year.

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 07/11/2019 15:58

You are absolutely right it’s for kids

furrytoebean · 07/11/2019 16:08

As a childless adult Christmas always makes me feel like shit because it's 'all about the children' and it's rammed down your throat all the time that it's only special if you have children.

I don't give to get at all but it's about feeling appreciated and part of something. If I'm buying all the children something then it's nice to be given a token in return, it doesn't have to be massive, a bar of chocolate would do but it's horrible to feel like you don't get to join in with the presents just because you never had children.

IfNot · 07/11/2019 16:10

God there are some deeply weird and uptight people about! I sometimes wish I didn't know how some people think it's so depressing.
There are tons of kids in my family and most of them are not mine but I can't imagine being upset or thinking it was cheeky to be asked to only buy for the kids.
"Ooh your family unit is getting 3 presents and mine is only getting one.."Hmm
These are the same people who get out the calculator when the bill comes and work out their share to the nearest penny (not including a tip). It must be a miserable existence. I think it's a good idea actually to not bother buying adults presents and will suggest it this year, or a secret santa thing. I don't need any more crap, I'm de-cluttering .

plightofthealbatross · 07/11/2019 16:13

No one has the right to tell you how to spend your money.

Just say you're only buying for children and perhaps send cards to everyone else.

Aaarrgghhh · 07/11/2019 16:13

For the last so many years I only buy for kids. I might end up getting some biscuits or chocolates for my nan but that’s because she’s the only one I have and the only family that I talk to. We also buy for my partners sisters kids and that’s it. Thankfully I don’t speak or know most of my family so that keeps the cost down lol

furrytoebean · 07/11/2019 16:16

There are tons of kids in my family and most of them are not mine

But I'm assuming some are?

It's not about cost.

I spend as much on my nieces as I do on my partner, I love them, I want to get them nice things.
But I don't have any kids at all, why is it too much to ask that if I'm buying huge presents for the dcs that I would get a token gift in return? It's about being included.

ILearnedItFromABook · 07/11/2019 16:20

"Dirty Santa" (with a low spending limit) is good for giving everyone a "gift experience" without the expense and pressure of shopping for many specific individuals.

Secret Santa can work, too, but there's more pressure with that, as you're shopping for a particular person. (And inevitably some people are better at it than others, so some people get a good, thoughtful gift and others get generic clutter.)

It does seem a bit self-serving and unequal to suggest gifts only for kids when only one or two of the siblings have children. I'd be more likely to suggest no gift-swap at all. These days, it seems like everyone's complaining of having too much "stuff"/"tat".

And as for the logic that a person with no children saves money and has more disposable income, therefore should have no problem buying gifts for your kids and never even receiving a token in exchange... Hmm

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 07/11/2019 16:20

We do a Secret Santa with everyone assigned one adult to buy for. Only two DC in the family (ours) and they don't expect to get anything - but they often do. It's totally up to their aunties and uncles.

I'd love to stop the Secret Santa, though, as we're v. spread out geographically and I usually have no idea what "my person" would like (DH is even worse at choosing gifts Grin). Last year I asked my SIL if I could make a charitable donation in her name instead and she gave me a couple of organizations that she'd like to support. Much easier and more meaningful as these are issues she cares about.

I'd much prefer if we just all exchanged Christmas cards, I couldn't care less about gifts!

ILearnedItFromABook · 07/11/2019 16:24

...Of course it's fine to make a decision for your own family to stop buying gifts for adults, and it's great to let everyone else know in advance so they can plan accordingly-- but I wouldn't necessarily "expect" others to continue buying for my children after I'd announced that I wasn't buying gifts for anyone but my niece.

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