Is it tight and weird to only buy for dcs at Xmas?

[Cakeyhead]

We have three teenage dcs. Christmas is going to be tight this year. Oldest dc is at uni and we've had to supplement his loan, youngest dc has moved to private school (SEN). Just had to pay a huge car breakdown bill. So we aren't on the breadline which makes this decision harder, but for the next few years money is going to be really really tight.

Every year I put 10 in a card for my brothers who are both over 30, unmarried, no kids. Give my dsis a gift card (25) and buy my parents things from m and s with a gift receipt so they can return. My mum is really fussy and used to make a huge drama if people bought her things that she thought were 'weird', hence the reciept. Ususally spend about 50 or 60 on parents.I have one niece who I like to spend about 30 on.

One year I suggested buying for kids only, but my siblings got arsey because they have one dc between them (my niece) and I have 3. My parents also thought I was mean for not putting the 10 in the card for my brothers.

My mum always buys me something like a cheap toilertry set that i don't want or need, and gives the dds £10 each, which I do think is a bit tight but they dont have much money either.

I had an awful childhood although ive moved on from that now but i barely see my parents so the whole thing seems hollow. They refuse to travel to see us (we're near Birmingham they are just east of London).

My dsis is an alcoholic which she's trying to cope with but this year she's sent me some really quite nasty texts which have upset me so my contact with her is minimal. I'd love to spend a bit more on her dd, my niece. Last year dsis was so drunk and skint she didnt get my dds anything which was fine, she was in a bad place. However she did say to them she'd get them something in the new year and just never did despite getting herself botox.

Sorry this is long and rambling.

Dh says just be firm and say kids only.

Wwyd and aibu?

I'm confused furrytoebean...you say But I don't have any kids at all, why is it too much to ask that if I'm buying huge presents for the dcs that I would get a token gift in return? It's about being included

But you said upthread that you DO get presents between the adults as well. And this...

Basically it means because you chose to have kids your relatives have to buy a present for each of them without getting anything in return

If I was expected to buy for the kids and getting nothing at all in return I'd be a bit resentful

It all sounds a bit transactional to me. We spent years without having children buy for 10+ neices and nephews because we love them. I can't remember whether we ever 'got something back.' I was always happy with a heartfelt 'thank you' and a card.

What's confusing about it?

I get presents for the kids. All the adults put in money to pay for an experience together and that's our present to each other for the adults.
If my family decided that adults weren't getting anything and we were just buying for the kids I would be really sad.

You seem to know the price of everything and have Christmas on a spreadsheet.
Which is organised but a bit joyless.
Can you not explain to your family that thing are tight due to college costs but that you don want to forget them and offer for them all to come round for egg nog on boxing day or something.
I highly doubt your tenner is the highlight of anyones Christmas so that sounds so much better to me
And really, can we all.stop talking about the C word
its making me feel queasy

But I don't have any kids at all, why is it too much to ask that if I'm buying huge presents for the dcs that I would get a token gift in return? It's about being included

Oh okay. It was this comment of yours I guess that seemed to say that you DON'T get anything in return.

Actually, this thread (and some of the comments on it) does seem to make a bit of sense of that saying...'knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing.'

Or something like that

Some people seem to be jumping to conclusions here. It appears that the OP gives out far more at Christmas to her family than she receives, so how is she being tight?

Has the OP ever clarified if her DBs actually buy her kids anything or not? I would guess the DB she hasn't seen for 10 years probably doesn't. I would say in general that if people don't bother with your kids then don't bother with them anymore. Like pps have said, a tenner in a card for a grown self-supporting guy that you're not close to does seem a bit pointless. The other DB that gives you a small fun gift, I would give him one back! Better than the tenner.

We know that the sister normally does buy for the OP's kids, although she didn't bother last year. Also that she can be nasty. So stop her present. But I would still buy for your niece as no doubt you love her, and it's hard for her with an alcoholic mum.

As for your parents, we know that they gave the OP a bad childhood, £10 each for your grandchildren does seem tight unless you are literally on the breadline. And the mum sounds fussy and greedy. Stop the present giving, or regift her one of her tacky toiletry sets.

Do you actually see any of them at Christmas?

No that comment was more to the whole ' Christmas is for the kids, adults shouldn't want presents' brigade.

I really like getting presents, they make me feel loved. They don't have to be expensive or even a 'thing' I would be really happy with what a pp said and get an invite for eggnog, but if it was just suddenly decreed that because I was an adult I wasn't getting anything I would be upset. Especially as that shared thing makes me feel included at a time when it feels very much like everyone is in their own little units and I don't have one.

if you can only afford to put £10 in a card for someone over 30 then I would stop doing it.....my DH gets a similar amount from his DP for his bday and I always think what's the point - he can't really spend it on anything remotely useful/wanted? It goes in his wallet and just gets spent on day to day bits

I wouldn't expect that your child at uni receives gifts from wider family though - we found aunts/uncles stopped at 18 unless it was a milestone bday like 21 or 30

I really like getting presents, they make me feel loved

this is partly why I asked on here, because I really genuinely couldn't care less about presents. I love getting cards and obviously I am touched and pleased if someone gets me something, but I could quite happily live without them. But I know some people really attach a lot of meaning to them so I wanted to check .

Update - my mum is fine with it, so kids only it is!

Yes, be firm and kids only. You don't need justify that either.
As an adult I told people (my ex and in-laws, my own siblings) I don't want any gifts. And I didn't get any for adults either. If my ex wanted to gift something it was his responsibility. It was just another thing to stress out when my life was busy enough.
I would feel offended to receive cash from my sibling. Hey, I can earn my own money! And I don't want 'stuff'.
When I visit people I always ask how I can contribute, whether I can bring something. I tend to be asked either for some a particular foods they ate when visiting me ( I can cook well) or nothing ( in this case I bring a bottle of wine, fruit or chocolate).

Why don't you do presents for the kids and then secret Santa amongst the adults? So everyone just buys one adult gift

I really like getting presents, they make me feel loved. I really hate the thought of someone struggling financially to buy me a gift - I think that would make me feel awful - gifts at Christmas especially are an obligation to me - they are not love.

I only buy for my own kids and then small gifts for my niece and nephew. No one else. I ask everyone not to buy for me as I am anti-Christmas consumerist bollocks and trying to reduce my carbon footprint.

I also don't send cards and won't be buying crackers this year due to plastic shite in them.

I couldn't care less what anyone thinks. Christmas is ridiculous. I also usually donate around 50 quid to Crisis to pay for Christmas meals for homeless

I really hate the thought of someone struggling financially to buy me a gift

You deliberately left out the second half of that which says

They don't have to be expensive or even a 'thing' I would be really happy with what a pp said and get an invite for eggnog

This does my head in too ! Years ago we agreed to just do kids and I'm
V happy to do this but we have distant family too who we used to buy for adults n kids etc but we only see their kids like twice a Year and we r expected to buy for them too and I'd rather not and save the money to b honest

I think you would be better of saying " we're only buying for children this year" This is totally acceptable. I think I'm reading, you're expectation is, that your grown up fam will still buy for your children. You can't have it both ways, it is unfair to continue to expect them to spend on yours, when they have none. It's still cost for them.

I was sick to death of being given a list to buy from, for my nieces/nephews, then mine got poundshop tat. I suggested we buy something for our children on behalf of them.

This meant politely, I'll stop wasting my money & keep for my children. You do vice versa.

I really like getting presents, they make me feel loved

Well, yes. Getting presents is generally a nice thing to be on the receiving end of, but this thread is about whether it's reasonable to buy for kids and not adults.

For me it's simple. I buy gifts for the people I love. It's not transactional. I don't care if they don't buy me one back - I don't measure their worth or mine by M&S candles or a box of chocolates.

Refusing to buy Christmas gifts for my loved nieces and nephews because I didn't get one from their parents? Never.

I spent years buying for my N&N before having my own children. I did it for the joy of giving people I love stuff I thought they'd like.

The monetary 'fairness' of it never, ever crossed my mind. I think it's a very skewed way to view gift-giving, to be honest.

I agree that gifts are about being loved and thought about. It’s not a case of how much they cost. It’s that your family spent some time to think about you. I think this idea of ‘kids only’ means kids themselves miss out on understanding the joy of giving a gift. Why not get the children to make or choose small gifts. As a childless person at Christmas, I found it hard when the children in the family were old enough to understand about gifts. They got their generous gifts from me but gave gifts only to their parents. They now give me a small gift and I think that is an important lesson that we think of others. I used to adore choosing presents when I was a child. They were token gifts but were an important part of being in a family. I think it’s strange that we expect children to receive but don’t teach them how to give.

Kids only here too, my SIL has no kids and I used to buy her something little from my 2. You just need to be firm and just say we don’t have the cash! X

Couldn't agree more Shouldhavedoneitsooner

Agree shouldhave, to widen out the gift-giving context, it is a lovely idea for kids to do that. We take our DC to choose a small gift for the GPs and so on - I also recall doing that as a kid and really loving it.

I'm the only childless sibling in a large family with many nieces and nephews. I'm pushed out of the vast majority of events and celebrations enough as it is, with all focus always on the younguns and their parents and everything babies babies babies, without having to fork out for a load of gifts to get nothing in return. Get smaller tokens for people if you want to spend less.

Thank you all. Its been lovely to hear all the things that you do as families. I'm sure if my family wasn't so dysfunctional I'd probably love choosing and buying gifts for them, but I can't see it ever being reciprocated.

The idea of a secret santa made me smile. It just wouldn't happen.

Thanks everyone.

Refusing to buy Christmas gifts for my loved nieces and nephews because I didn't get one from their parents? Never.

Who's said that they would refuse to buy a gift if they didn't get one in return?
Like I've said a million times I love buying presents for my nieces, I spend as much on my nieces as I do on my partner. I would never in a million years expect my sister to spend the same on me on what I spend on her kids, it's not about the money at all. It's a simple case of being included.
I honestly don't care if the gift is inviting me over for a 'cinema day' at their house, in fact I'd love that.
But if I got nothing at all I'd be sad.

It's like you're deliberately misunderstanding what is being said.

It's like you're deliberately misunderstanding what is being said

or just forming my own view on what has been said? It's a discussion forum, posters are discussing the subject, it's wider context and other poster's responses. Just how it works.