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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To sneakily admire this mum of a bullied child

246 replies

churchandstate · 06/11/2019 14:35

I read this expecting to be disgusted, then I watched the video and by the time she was putting her hair up I couldn't help it: I begrudgingly liked her. Shocking that it came to this, but I can only imagine she was at the end of her tether.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7655161/Disturbing-moment-raging-mother-confronts-sons-bully-expletive-laced-rant.html#comments-7655161

OP posts:
littlehappyhippo · 06/11/2019 17:16

@ffswhatnext

Sometimes it seems like you have no other choice to do this. Schools don't do much if anything about, and some will go as far as saying there isn't bullying going on.

You go to school and some will say that somehow you have to also think about what the bully is going through. You approach the parents in desperation, who either tell you to fuck off, your kid deserved it.. Or oh no not my Tommy/Sarah they wouldn't do that. If you're lucky you will find the one who accepts it.

If no-one is prepared to confront bullies and tell them to back off, then how does it stop?

The child can only do so much for themselves. Sometimes when they fight back, so does the bully. And then what? Now the victim is facing detention and still getting bullied.

When you send your child to school you expect that they will be safe. There should be done to tackle bullies. What I don't know. But the current method isn't working.

Obviously I can go base this on my experience, but I really don't remember it being so rife. Yes, it happened, but not on the level it is today.

ALL of the above. ^

Can't believe some of the responses (from a minority thankfully,) from people who think this woman was in the wrong. And any parent who does anything similar is in the wrong too. What the fuck do you suggest people do when NO-ONE is stopping the bullies who are making your child's life hell, and having an adverse affect on their school-life, their studies, and their exam results?

As ffswhatnext said (and so have many others,) there comes a point when you have exhausted all options... Tried to get the school to sort it, tried to reason with the parents, tried asking the bullies themselves to please stop, (and been laughed at and mocked, by the parents AND the bullies.) And so confronting the bullies yourself (and sometimes their parents,) is the ONLY option left.

As I said, when I confronted the vile bullies who were bullying my DC, they never went near them again. And their mothers who were joining in with them, and used to glare at me and slag me off behind my back, started avoiding me. Once you confront people like this, they back down, because they know they've met their match.

And I don't give a shiny shit what anyone thinks about it. If it's not dealt with by anyone else, you BET I will fucking sort it myself. The mothers(s) of these bullies are quite often ex school bullies themselves, (and are sometimes still bullies - in the area they live,) and unfortunately, the apples rarely falls far from the tree.

These mothers thought they knew me. They thought I was a fragile, quiet, timid little snowflake. They were completely wrong, and were in shock when they saw I wasn't. As I said, they and their horrible bullying children, never came near me or my DC again.

When the school does naff-all about the bullies, tries to make out your DC (who is having their life ruined,) just 'needs to deal with the issue better,' or offers them 'counselling,' and says they need to stop being 'so sensitive;' and the parents of the bullies don't want to know, you have no CHOICE other than to take the matter into your own hands.

I did, and I regret nothing. And I reiterate, I don't give a shiny shit what anyone thinks.

And to anyone who is about to say 'you sound PROUD of what you did!' Yeah, I am actually. Because it stopped the bullying. You deal with things your way, and I will deal with them MY way.

As a number of posters have said, playing these bullies at their own game is the only option, when no-one else is doing anything to stop it.

You can tell who the people on here who don't have children, or DO have children, but their children have never been bullied. Hmm

Either that, or they are teachers who work for a school who does what every other school does about bullying. Buggar-all!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/11/2019 17:16

Can we keep batting thios back and forth? I am quite enjoying the thought process...

It doesn’t matter whether they’re do-gooders or not, to me. They can be supply, ex-teachers, tutors, people training on the job etc. It is do gooders that are political squeaky wheels though! And trust me, in core subjects you would not get any teacher to do this. They are in scarce supply and would have no need to work in such awful conditions.

In my ideal solution, they wouldn’t roam the streets but would stay at the educational contact centre during school hours. So you are thinking of a Borstal?

It would be boring, but that’s the implication of being a bully - you don’t get what you want. It would be boring for the teacher too!

It would have to be funded at government level, obviously. You said at the current rate. That wouldn't work.

I see no reason to say it wouldn’t work It would increase the education budget by an enormnous factor.

just that you wouldn’t do it. I would. Are you a teacher? Or are you thinking that you could be handed the works sheets and then just sit there and smile at the angry child?

I suppose it depends on what you want to achieve with it. But as far as I can see no good teacher would do it for very long, if at all. It would be extortionately expensive and widely decried and would leave us with ery disaffected adults. Again, I'd point at the USA for examples.

EmmiJay · 06/11/2019 17:16

Also forgot to add that the 'small child' (as people on her call him) has actually been threatening her on social media after this so take from that what you will...

dogcrazy · 06/11/2019 17:17

It would have been much better for everyone involved if she taught her child to deal with it (one way or another) themselves. As it stands the confrontation is likely to make her own child a greater target more than anything else

For god sake. There are children killing themselves over bullying! I remember being mortified when my mum confronted a teenage boy bullying me and thinking things would get much worse. In reality the thought of my raging mum visiting his house meant he left alone. It’s a shame this video has gone viral but I actually don’t think the bully will be getting much support.

Slappadabass · 06/11/2019 17:17

This reply has been deleted

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Nat6999 · 06/11/2019 17:18

I was bullied at school from the age of 9 until the day I left at 16. I was hit, kicked, pushed downstairs, spat on, beat up, had my belongings stolen & damaged. My parents went in to school many times but it never changed anything. My ds has been bullied right from primary school through to the secondary school he is in now, again I have done the right thing, gone in to school, not approached the bullies themselves, until one day I saw one of the bullies walking out of school as I was driving past. I shouted out of the car window his name at the top of my voice & I told him exactly what he was, his face was brick red, the other kids he was with didn't know where to look, they walked away & left him on his own. He is terrified whenever he sees me at parents evening, he hides behind his mother. Schools should have a policy of naming & shaming bullies, drag them out & make them all stand at the front in assembly, make them feel ashamed & scared, just like the children they bully.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 06/11/2019 17:18

I openly admire her.

notacooldad · 06/11/2019 17:19

would have been much better for everyone involved if she taught her child to deal with it (one way or another)
That works everytime!
🤔

( sarcasric)

RhinoskinhaveI · 06/11/2019 17:20

I presume that 'know yourself' is an invitation to introspect, to reflect honestly on ones motives and behavior?
If I was her I'd be worrying about the bully's parents going into face ripping mode

churchandstate · 06/11/2019 17:21

It is do gooders that are political squeaky wheels though! And trust me, in core subjects you would not get any teacher to do this. They are in scarce supply and would have no need to work in such awful conditions.

I’m an English teacher. Minimal marking? No class of 30 to worry about? GCSE results day without a cold sweat? I am in! Yes, like a Borstal - or my concept of one. Why not? They should stop bullying other kids.

And the funding for the teacher’s salary could be just as it is now, which is what I mean. It would require more funding to run the whole ship, but in my view it would be more than worth it to prevent other young people being repeatedly and seriously bullied.

And I would tend to agree that it would lead to boredom and disaffection, but the alternative to me is worse: children being bullied and intimidated by people who think they can get away with whatever they like. I don’t give a shit if they’re bored, and I expect they are disaffected anyway.

That said, I am an excellent teacher and any child willing to engage with me would be the richer for it!

OP posts:
WhiskeyLullaby · 06/11/2019 17:23

@JacksonPillock

https://safe.met.police.uk/bullying/consequencesanddthelaw.html

Wishy washy "may end with an ASBO" and predominantly sort it out with the school advice.

Passthecherrycoke · 06/11/2019 17:24

It’s not really possible to eradicate bullying- sadly bullying is a unpleasant by natural part of human behaviour. Good kids can bully too. We shouldn’t be condemning bullies to a lifetime of poor education, singling out or punishment. The best we can hope imo is that children are taught to be kind and that bullying is acted upon ASAP by experienced teaching staff and police officers

churchandstate · 06/11/2019 17:25

We shouldn’t be condemning bullies to a lifetime of poor education, singling out or punishment.

We wouldn’t be. They would be. By their behaviour. Why should the rest of society tolerate their aggression?

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/11/2019 17:28

I’m an English teacher. Minimal marking? No class of 30 to worry about? GCSE results day without a cold sweat? Ah! If you are talking from experience then I believe you. We just see it differently and could bat it back and forth forever Grin

I wonder if I could come out of teaching retirement for a Borstal type teaching job? I ran a Functional Skills / GCSE resits Dept in FE... maybe I could be good at it Wink

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 06/11/2019 17:28

You can tell who the people on here who don't have children, or DO have children, but their children have never been bullied. Hmm

I don’t think you can.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/11/2019 17:29

The best we can hope imo is that children are taught to be kind and that bullying is acted upon ASAP by experienced teaching staff and police officers Ands that illustrates part of the problem - you forgot PARENTS!

churchandstate · 06/11/2019 17:29

I wonder if I could come out of teaching retirement for a Borstal type teaching job? I ran a Functional Skills / GCSE resits Dept in FE... maybe I could be good at it wink

Yes! You would be in as well. Grin

OP posts:
JacksonPillock · 06/11/2019 17:30

safe.met.police.uk/bullying/consequencesandd_the_law.html

Wishy washy "may end with an ASBO" and predominantly sort it out with the school advice

Right, and without getting into the merits of passing the buck on "harassment and intimidation over a period of time including calling someone names or threatening them, making abusive phone calls, and sending abusive emails or texts"

It doesn't mention physical assault, which is what I was talking about. If someone hit my child, I would go straight to the police and I would damn sure expect them to investigate.

Passthecherrycoke · 06/11/2019 17:33

“We shouldn’t be condemning bullies to a lifetime of poor education, singling out or punishment.

We wouldn’t be. They would be. By their behaviour. Why should the rest of society tolerate their aggression?”

Because children are learning and make mistakes. Some have poor parents and need help.

Curious about samphire you’re right of course parents are essential and I forgot to mention them. As above though, many children have poor parents who won’t engage and the school and authorities will have to take over

churchandstate · 06/11/2019 17:36

Passthecherrycoke

By the time a parent is unable to influence their child to stop intimidating and being violent and threatening towards others, the answer doesn’t lie in leaving them with that parent, allowing them to carry on bullying and hoping they will learn to be kind. It lies in removing them from their ineffectual parents and placing them somewhere they can be shown some decent standards of civilised behaviour.

OP posts:
Aaarrgghhh · 06/11/2019 17:40

I would kill for mine. No you wouldn’t lol and if you are the small percent of people crazy enough to do something so stupid, you will pay for it and so will your child.

Likethebattle · 06/11/2019 17:40

Our primary school dealt with bullying really well. My brother is a massive big guy but soft as butter (golden retriever in human body). One aggressive wee arsehole saw that he was soft and started to scratch, punch, kick and bite him every day. He told my mum the marks were from playing football. He was primary 4 so getting bathed by himself etc.

His teacher noticed a change in him so she engineered a situation so he was in class alone with her ‘helping to put books away’. She asked how he was and without looking he poured out the whole story, the weeks he’d been kicked in the testicles hard,been held down and punched, stamped on etc....

His teacher took it to the headmistress (wonderful dotty old lady) who called in the bully and his cronies and gave him a real dressing down.

He went home crying to his mother, who shot round to the school shouting the odds, the headmistress had told him ‘you are nothing but a vile little thug and bully’ and the mother was saying ‘my son is not a thug!’ So the headmistress got someone to fetch my brother from class, she pulled up his sleeves and his shirt to show his bruising and grazing. She told the mother ‘THAT is what little thugs do, your son did that and therefore I stand by my words, he is a horrible little thug. Battles brother can also show you his legs as well where your thug of a son stamped on them. Now I suggest you go home and parent your child appropriately as I will not tolerate bullies and thugs in my school. If he so much as looks wrongly at another child he will no longer be welcome in this school!’ My poor mum when she found out was so upset but that little scrote didn’t go near my brother again.

I had the absolute joy of hitting him in the face, with a bat, during a rounders game. It was accidental, he shouldn’t have been so close.

Lostsocksaresoannoying · 06/11/2019 17:42

No I don't admire her, because I don't know her or the other people involved and haven't got the faintest idea about the true story behind this.

When I was about 13 I had a best friend, she was a nice girl and wouldn't hurt a fly but she could be gobby, only in as far as if someone called her a name she'd call them one back but she was no bully.

One day she fell out with another local girl, it was 6 of one half a dozen of the other and the other girl was a known troublemaker who got into fights a lot.

So the girl came outside one day and beat my best friend up while her mother helped her, all because the other girl cried bully and her mother was so proud of herself for defending her dd ffs.

We have no idea of the full story here. I absolutely despise bullies, I would defend my child if I had to, but all those saying they'd kill for their child. Get a grip, you'd be no use to your child from a prison cell.

BowermansNose · 06/11/2019 17:44

Hopefully now, someone will threaten the woman in the video. Then the woman in the video's mother will threaten them, and their mother can threaten them, and so on... Because that's how we deal with threatening behaviour

WhiskeyLullaby · 06/11/2019 17:44

It doesn't mention physical assault, which is what I was talking about.

I find it quite telling that it doesn't on a page about bullying,since everyone knows that it can definitely be a part of bullying.

We all know what the law says, the reality is different and there is a lot of buck passing and a very low chance of proper action taken or a prosecution.

That's one of the big gaps in the fight against bullying in my opinion.