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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to miss BIL wedding in Scotland?

429 replies

NameChange9182 · 06/11/2019 08:31

I’m a regular poster (penis beaker, softzilla etc) but have name-changed as I’m worried SIL is on here.

BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL have just announced they are getting married in Scotland next year in the Highlands. The area is important to them as they visit every year to go hiking etc and they have loose, distant family heritage connections to the area. However they have never lived in Scotland and none of their living relatives or any of their friends live up there (we mostly live in London or are scattered across the south).

The problem for us with getting there is that it’s not possible to just travel up on the day and get there in time for the ceremony, so you have to travel up the day before. The wedding is on a Saturday but is during term time and DH is a teacher so can’t take the day off, so that means not leaving until around 4pm on the Friday.

Apparently other guests who are teachers are either getting the sleeper train that night to arrive the next morning, are flying up to Edinburgh after school and then hiring a car to drive the rest of the way that night, or are staying in Edinburgh for the night and then getting a train for the last bit on the saturday morning. None of those options would really work for us as we have two young children (DS will be 3 and DD will be 11 months) - they really need their sleep routine (I’m not being precious, they will genuinely be horrors at the wedding the next day if they haven’t slept) and all 3 options would mean keeping them up way past their bedtime.

I think BIL and SIL think they are being accommodating as they have researched and told us all the travel options and have also said they “don’t mind” if we’re not able to bring the kids (but have also asked DS to be page boy if he does come?!) I don’t feel able to leave them for two nights, even with my parents. They are fine looking after DS for a day but they’re not in the best of health and he’s a handful at the best of times, without adding the baby too!

So my suggestion is that DH goes alone on the sleeper train and I stay at home with the kids. Although tbh I’d be upset to miss it and I think BIL and SIL would be quite offended (most of their friends don’t have kids so I think they just don’t get it!). Overall I’m just pissed off that they’ve chosen somewhere so difficult to get to for all of their guests and haven’t made sure that it works for close family before choosing it. Just feels like we haven’t been considered properly and they don’t really care if our kids are there or not but will be offended if DH and I aren’t there.

WIBU to say it’s too difficult for me to go, either with or without the kids?

OP posts:

ittakes2 · 06/11/2019 10:01

As you pointed out most of their friends don't have kids so there is no reason why they need to choose a venue they don't want to accomodate you! You have explained very well why they like the area - their wedding their choice. People travel across the world with small children for weddings - you are baulking at the idea of going to Scotland for goodness sake. Take the kids and get them a sitter that the hotel recommends if you are worried they will be grumpy due to change in sleep routine.

Mulhollandmagoo · 06/11/2019 10:06

A very close friend of mine is a teacher and has managed to get time off for this sort of thing, of he asks they chances are they will say yes as its his brother, try that first?

Secondly, you are being very unreasonable to be so frustrated that your BIL and SIL haven't put your needs front and centre when planning their wedding! If you can't make it you can't make it, but they should be able to get married where they wish!

C8H10N4O2 · 06/11/2019 10:06

Its a destination wedding, albeit in Scotland rather than abroad somewhere. Therefore, in my view, they must expect some people not to go.

Yes this exactly.

Couples need to decide what is more important - maximising attendance of family and friends or nice scenery and features of a "destination" wedding. You can't have both without imposing considering expense on your guests and its unreasonable to expect it of people.

SnapCackleFlop · 06/11/2019 10:08

I think it’s fine if they want to get married somewhere special for them but it is a massive, expensive, difficult journey which would involve disruption and time off work that lots of people just don’t have.

If they want a destination like that part of it is accepting that lots of people won’t be able to be there. If the point of the wedding is celebrating together with family and friends they’re not making it easy.

If the point is to get married in a beautiful, meaningful and remote location then that’s great but they can’t have it both ways.

teraculum29 · 06/11/2019 10:10

to the posters suggesting OP travelling the day before with with 2 under 4,
did you ever travel on your own with so little kids??
travelling with just one its very tiring.
So there a few options here
OP need to travel at least on Thursday and also with company of another adult to help out (adding extra cost)
or leave both children with her parents
or politely decline and just send her husband.

MaggieFS · 06/11/2019 10:11

Has the OP been scared off? Would love to know where the wedding actually is because there are tons of options IF can get past her annoyance and want to make it work.

Cohle · 06/11/2019 10:12

It comes across like you're just pretty unwilling to make an effort. Plenty of good ideas have made made here, including you going up with the kids in advance. It's not unreasonable of them not to have made your family their priority when choosing a wedding venue and you sound unduly pissed off about it.

BertrandRussell · 06/11/2019 10:12

“ to the posters suggesting OP travelling the day before with with 2 under 4,
did you ever travel on your own with so little kids??”

Yes. Frequently. As do many other people.

ThatMuppetShow · 06/11/2019 10:14

You can't have both without imposing considering expense on your guests and its unreasonable to expect it of people.

except that in the real world, most people are genuinely excited and happy for their siblings and make a holiday out of it. It's their ONE wedding.

Unless your sibling announces that they are married in 3 weeks in Australia or during the kids A'level week, a wedding is a fun thing!

It's only on MN that posters moan about weddings - either because they don't like the venue or god forbid because they are not invited! , moan about having guests at home, moan about being invited by friends or family and would not possibly spend one night in somebody else's house..

WhoKnewBeefStew · 06/11/2019 10:14

I'd go and try and deal with the dc and their lack of sleep... you could always skip the ceremony if they are acting up m, and just attend the meal, and/or evening do with them... I know tired dc are a nightmare, but needs must sometimes.

As for 'why Scotland' well that's up to them really, I doubt they did it to make it difficult for you personally, although your OP makes it sound like you think like that. I got married in Scotland and I've never lived there either. But it's special to us.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/11/2019 10:14

How come your DH can't get the day off for his brothers wedding, that's really bad form of the school imo

GettingABitDesperateNow · 06/11/2019 10:14

I know your husband is a teacher but had he asked for the day off? I thought some schools let teachers have days off if booked in advance for a close family members wedding. Does he know any ex or supply teachers that he could pay for himself that would cover for him?

I would actually fly up myself (I have flown solo with similar ages to yours) - it is a short flight and the airports at the other end are small so should be manageable. You can fly to inverneas or Aberdeen and then get a taxi to where you're going - its about 60 quid for half an hour. Then your husband can join you on a later flight or overnight or whatever.

Yes it's a hassle for you but not impossible and it sounds like they are trying to be relaxed about it (eg saying you can bring your children or not). I wouldn't necessarily do this for a friend but it's your husbands brother

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 06/11/2019 10:14

I think you're looking for obstacles rather than solutions.
As a PP said, sometimes teachers can get a day off or leave early. Has your DH even asked?
The obvious solution is for you to travel earlier. I'm sure someone else (family or friends) will also be travelling earlier so can help you with the DCs.
But I also don't understand why you think your DCs won't sleep on the sleeper if you go by train or in the car (if you fly). I've driven back and forwards from London to Scotland with DCs and also taken the sleeper. I've also flown to mainland Europe for a wedding when my DC were the same age as your DD (and DH couldn't make it so I travelled with other guests). It's not that difficult.

ittakes2 · 06/11/2019 10:15

“ to the posters suggesting OP travelling the day before with with 2 under 4, did you ever travel on your own with so little kids??”
...also yes frequently and on long haul plane journeys!

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 06/11/2019 10:15

I hope you have changed a lot of details and that the wedding isn't in fact in Scotland and your husband isn't a teacher. Because if those details are true, then a name change isn't going to conceal your identity if your SIL is reading!

It's up to you. But options are available. And one of those options is to stay at home and let your husband go alone. I have been at many family weddings where family members could not be present for whatever reason. Honestly, nobody really noticed, or cared! I think the one who couldn't attend felt the loss of the day more than anyone else. Plenty family, friends, food, music to keep everyone else occupied. A brief mention would have been given to the absent person, and then the day continued unaffected.

Go with good grace, with or without your children, or say that with 2 small children it is simply not possible and your husband go alone. The day will carry with or without your attendance!

Genevieva · 06/11/2019 10:15

Can your husband ask the school if he can have the Friday off to attend his brother's wedding if he plans cover lessons? They may say no, but they may say yes if his colleagues are prepared to rally round and cover his lessons. I know a school that let a lady have the day off to be with her adult daughter during labour. Not quite the same, I know, but the point is that this isn't just any old wedding - it is his brother's.

SmileCheese · 06/11/2019 10:16

OP need to travel at least on Thursday and also with company of another adult to help out (adding extra cost)

Why would she need to travel on Thursday and have the company of another adult? She could just as easily travel on Friday morning and arrive in plenty of time to put the children to bed.

I'm not saying it will be the easiest or most enjoyable trip in the world but I'm sure she is a capable adult who could manage 2 children for 1 trip. She wouldn't even need to take luggage as her DH could bring that with him when he came later.

Longtalljosie · 06/11/2019 10:18

Your DH is the teacher - but your DH could make it by himself? That makes no sense - you and the children could get an earlier train with your DH flying up after school.

Do make the effort. It won't be forgotten if you don't.

Singlenotsingle · 06/11/2019 10:18

Fly up there the day before, either with DH or without him. He can follow on as soon as he can. This is a close relative, OP, not someone distant that you don't know.

Genevieva · 06/11/2019 10:18

When I was on maternity leave with my second I spent 3 days travelling up to the north end of Scotland for a family event, stopping with friends on the way. My husband had work so he flew up immediately before the event and we then drove back together the next day. If you wanted to be there you would make it work.

Longtalljosie · 06/11/2019 10:20

And don't listen to Mumsnet. It has a blind spot about the importance of weddings and similar events.

BertrandRussell · 06/11/2019 10:21

It’s amazing how many threads on Mumsnet suggest that it takes more than one able bodied person to do anything even slightly out of the ordinary with children.......

shearwater · 06/11/2019 10:24

I'd let DH go on his own.

shearwater · 06/11/2019 10:25

Or go separately, as others have said.

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 06/11/2019 10:26

Bertrand yy but I think MN has a high percentage of nervous adults who struggle with living their lives with children. In RL, I don't know anyone who would be fretting as much as the OP about the logistics of going to a wedding.

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