WIBU to miss BIL wedding in Scotland?

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I’m a regular poster (penis beaker, softzilla etc) but have name-changed as I’m worried SIL is on here.

BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL have just announced they are getting married in Scotland next year in the Highlands. The area is important to them as they visit every year to go hiking etc and they have loose, distant family heritage connections to the area. However they have never lived in Scotland and none of their living relatives or any of their friends live up there (we mostly live in London or are scattered across the south).

The problem for us with getting there is that it’s not possible to just travel up on the day and get there in time for the ceremony, so you have to travel up the day before. The wedding is on a Saturday but is during term time and DH is a teacher so can’t take the day off, so that means not leaving until around 4pm on the Friday.

Apparently other guests who are teachers are either getting the sleeper train that night to arrive the next morning, are flying up to Edinburgh after school and then hiring a car to drive the rest of the way that night, or are staying in Edinburgh for the night and then getting a train for the last bit on the saturday morning. None of those options would really work for us as we have two young children (DS will be 3 and DD will be 11 months) - they really need their sleep routine (I’m not being precious, they will genuinely be horrors at the wedding the next day if they haven’t slept) and all 3 options would mean keeping them up way past their bedtime.

I think BIL and SIL think they are being accommodating as they have researched and told us all the travel options and have also said they “don’t mind” if we’re not able to bring the kids (but have also asked DS to be page boy if he does come?!) I don’t feel able to leave them for two nights, even with my parents. They are fine looking after DS for a day but they’re not in the best of health and he’s a handful at the best of times, without adding the baby too!

So my suggestion is that DH goes alone on the sleeper train and I stay at home with the kids. Although tbh I’d be upset to miss it and I think BIL and SIL would be quite offended (most of their friends don’t have kids so I think they just don’t get it!). Overall I’m just pissed off that they’ve chosen somewhere so difficult to get to for all of their guests and haven’t made sure that it works for close family before choosing it. Just feels like we haven’t been considered properly and they don’t really care if our kids are there or not but will be offended if DH and I aren’t there.

WIBU to say it’s too difficult for me to go, either with or without the kids?

Depending on where in the Highlands the wedding is, It may be easier to fly to Inverness, Possibly even on the morning of the wedding.
I fly from Inverness to London and back on the same day regularly, But am not sure of times for the reverse journey.

I don’t think you are bu. My kids were the same at that age. I wouldn’t have fancied that travel prospect. They may not forget this - but they may also not forget your kids disrupting the service/speeches/photos etc with their general unhappiness and crying etc due to lack of sleep!! It won’t be a pleasurable event for you or DH if they will be a nightmare!
I would send DH on his own then put a date in the diary to take them out for a nice meal somewhere, just the 4 of you which will be to celebrate their marriage.

Has your DH asked school about a day off? All the schools I’ve worked in have had a small amount of wiggle room. Teachers have days off for their own children’s first nativity, or important family weddings etc. It’s worth an ask.

I had a situation like this, I think weddings are just exceptional circumstances. DD ended up being up til 11 o'clock the night before the wedding (never normally deviates from routine) and she was absolutely fine. It's a one off, just do it.

I'm surprised your DH can't get the Friday off school as it's his brother's wedding.

I don't actually see the OP saying he had asked, it sounds like this hasn't even been discussed with his head. If he asked I'm sure they would let him take the day off or at the very worst he could swap his PPA time and leave at lunchtime on the Friday.

“Just feels like we haven’t been considered properly“

Why would you be? Sounds like everyone else can make it. Also sounds like they’ve been very flexible - bring the children and they can participate or leave them home. They’ve even given you a run down of all transport options.

The sleep routine is an excuse.

You don’t want to go as the location had got your back up.

I live in Edinburgh. There's no way I'd leave in the morning on the same day as a Highland wedding. You need to be up north the day before.

As many others have said, it depends which part of the Highlands. You could get from Edinburgh to some parts in three hours or so, plenty of time for an afternoon wedding.
Some places might still have a drive of a couple of hours from Inverness.

I live in Edinburgh. There's no way I'd leave in the morning on the same day as a Highland wedding. You need to be up north the day before

Just what I was thinking. I'm from near Glasgow - it's what, 3 hours to Inverness or Aberdeen, maybe 2 and a half to Fort William, and add on an hour if you get stuck behind a caravan on the A9. Even if she goes up herself - assuming she's travelling from the south east you're talking 11 hours' drive. Or fly with a toddler and a baby, then what, come out the airport with 2 kids, all your luggage and car seats and all that stuff and pick up a hire car, fit the car seats in the motor on your own and drive the rest of the way? Great fun.

If I had to do it I would probably take the train although that'll be a shitty old day with two kids on the train for 8 hours with a train change in Waverley and it assumes that the wedding venue is somewhere near a train station or else you're going to pay a fortune for a taxi on top of everything else. I'd do it for a funeral but I'd be reluctant to do it for a wedding, you know? Are they not supposed to be fun?

Like others have said I don't see why you have not considered the simplest option of you and the children travelling down earlier and DH meeting you there after work.

exactly what I would do.

Total non issue, it wouldn't even have occur to me not to attend unless you really hate your BIL and have no relationship whatsoever.

Is it really in ‘the highlands’? I only ask because if it is possible to drive from Edinburgh to the wedding easily on the day, and you are not flying to Inverness or Aberdeen, it may not be that far north. And you may be overthinking how remote this place it. That is understandable, but misguided as yes, you are going to the northern wilds 😁, but it may not be that far!

I also think the plan of going up earlier is a great one.

Would you feel the same way if your SIL was Scottish. Or , heaven help us, from a really remote part of the UK?

In fact, would you feel the same if they were getting married on the Lizard? It can take longer to get to Cornwall from the SE than to get to Scotland.

Would you consider leaving one child with your parents to make traveling up on your own early easier?

Also who are these kids who settle well at 11 months and 3 years old in a strange bed? Can I get some of them? First time we went on holiday with our twins (at 11m, to Scotland from London) our kids were up about 4 times each in the night the first night, and a couple of times each on the second and third nights. Second time we went to Scotland they were 3 and DD1 forgot she wasn't at home and climbed over DD2's bed to get to toilet! DD2 was outraged. That was in an AirBnB. Imagine doing that in a posh hotel. You're all mental.

I find it extremely hard to believe that your DH can’t get one day unpaid leave for his own brothers wedding. Get him to ask his Head if that’s a possibility i know tons and tons of teachers who have had time off for weddings. I’d say start there and then decide if you cannot go or not. I would say try to go though if you have a good relationship with them..

6 of one, half a dozen of the other.

Yes, it's awkward that it's a remote location, but you have LOADS of time to sort this out.

As others have suggested, could you not go up with the DC a day or so beforehand? And then your DH flies up the night before?

They have asked your son to be a pageboy 'if you can attend' and sent you all the travel details.

It does sound as if you're looking for an excuse not to go. It's your DH's brother. Maybe make an effort?

You actually are being precious. And awkward

Yabu.

The wedding is next year and I can only guess it is likely in the late Spring or Summer so you have plenty of time to consider options and make arrangements.

I also agree you are being unreasonable about expecting BIL to cater to your needs. My BIL got married in Iceland outside and I had had his nephew a little less than 4 months ago when we went. There were other kids of various ages (months old to 15) and our side flew on a plane together and rented apartments next to each other. We had a great time. There was no shortage of people wanting to help and hold our son and all the children behaved at the wedding and the reception.

People can get married wherever they like, its their choice. But if its a location which is difficult or expensive to get to then they have to accept that some of their guests won't make it.

If it is in the highlands and you are going by train then make sure you book the taxi in advance to meet your train as there aren’t exactly taxi ranks with queues of waiting taxis at most highland stations.

Sorry but you need to make this work. It’s his brother! I ended up getting local friends to have ours for my sisters childfree wedding after my in laws pulled out despite having 6 months notice and no real reason for doing so . You could fly up and back to be away for 1 night he takes longer to be with his family

If you & DH generally get on well with BIL then YABU. Others have suggested different ways/times/airports there is a doable option.

There was no shortage of people wanting to help and hold our son and all the children behaved at the wedding and the reception

But also presumably ample budget to pay for you all to travel and stay? I don't think its reasonable of a couple to expect people to attend when to do so costs them so much time and money.

But it's a family wedding - no doubt there will be lots of other family going. Op doesn't have to be alone, just not with DH. I'm sure DHs parents, other siblings, aunt/uncle, cousin whoever would help.

YANBU for choosing not to go but YABU for Overall I’m just pissed off that they’ve chosen somewhere so difficult to get to for all of their guests and haven’t made sure that it works for close family before choosing it

It is their wedding, they can do it where they like. If they become pissed off if you don't go, you can defend your corner, but it isn't up to them to try to accommodate all their guests.

It might seem insurmountable right now but a lot will change with your DC between now and the wedding. If your youngest will be 11 months at the time of the wedding then they may be newish born right now?

You have lots of options not least of which is flying up yourself in advance. Easy Jet flights booked now will be cheap. Travelling nog with other guests would be good as they can give you a hand.

You might regret not going once the time rolls around.

Its a destination wedding, albeit in Scotland rather than abroad somewhere.
Therefore, in my view, they must expect some people not to go.
Those that expect the OP to go up a few days earlier seem to forget about the extra expense this would incurr.
So, I personally agree with OP, and would stay behind with both DC.
Your DH travels Friday night on the overnight sleeper, and hopefully gets a lift or a car share with other family members to the actually wedding.
Then DH only has to stop over 1 night (Saturday), and travel back home on the Sunday.