WIBU to miss BIL wedding in Scotland?

[NameChange9182]

I’m a regular poster (penis beaker, softzilla etc) but have name-changed as I’m worried SIL is on here.

BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL have just announced they are getting married in Scotland next year in the Highlands. The area is important to them as they visit every year to go hiking etc and they have loose, distant family heritage connections to the area. However they have never lived in Scotland and none of their living relatives or any of their friends live up there (we mostly live in London or are scattered across the south).

The problem for us with getting there is that it’s not possible to just travel up on the day and get there in time for the ceremony, so you have to travel up the day before. The wedding is on a Saturday but is during term time and DH is a teacher so can’t take the day off, so that means not leaving until around 4pm on the Friday.

Apparently other guests who are teachers are either getting the sleeper train that night to arrive the next morning, are flying up to Edinburgh after school and then hiring a car to drive the rest of the way that night, or are staying in Edinburgh for the night and then getting a train for the last bit on the saturday morning. None of those options would really work for us as we have two young children (DS will be 3 and DD will be 11 months) - they really need their sleep routine (I’m not being precious, they will genuinely be horrors at the wedding the next day if they haven’t slept) and all 3 options would mean keeping them up way past their bedtime.

I think BIL and SIL think they are being accommodating as they have researched and told us all the travel options and have also said they “don’t mind” if we’re not able to bring the kids (but have also asked DS to be page boy if he does come?!) I don’t feel able to leave them for two nights, even with my parents. They are fine looking after DS for a day but they’re not in the best of health and he’s a handful at the best of times, without adding the baby too!

So my suggestion is that DH goes alone on the sleeper train and I stay at home with the kids. Although tbh I’d be upset to miss it and I think BIL and SIL would be quite offended (most of their friends don’t have kids so I think they just don’t get it!). Overall I’m just pissed off that they’ve chosen somewhere so difficult to get to for all of their guests and haven’t made sure that it works for close family before choosing it. Just feels like we haven’t been considered properly and they don’t really care if our kids are there or not but will be offended if DH and I aren’t there.

WIBU to say it’s too difficult for me to go, either with or without the kids?

they’ve just picked it because they like it

Absolutely outrageous of them.

You're being difficult because you don't want to go. You can dress it up in as many complicated logistics as you want but it's getting to Scotland from the south of England. It's not that difficult.

I live in Edinburgh. There's no way I'd leave in the morning on the same day as a Highland wedding. You need to be up north the day before.

You don't think the thread title alone would pique your SIL's interest if she is on here OP? 🤣

If you don't want to go, don't go. I'm sure your DH will be fine to go by himself.

Personally, I'd take the children up a day or so before and meet DH there. Seems easy enough.

It sounds far too much and too difficult with two children under four. I'd politely decline with a nice card and present. People's expectations are often far too high of others, and it does them no harm to learn that EVEN FOR THEIR WEDDING not every little thing they want is possible.
You're a mum; do what's best for your children.

Can you and the children go up on the train earlier (or fly/train) and he can meet you on the Friday?

I also agree that you seem to be looking for an excuse not to go. Scotland is not Australia you know ! You could easily either fly up earlier than DH (I'm sure you can manage two kids for 1 hour in a plane, though I know it's difficult) or take the sleeper train with DH. You can also drive up ( as I have done multiple times with 2 DC) all together and the kids sleep in the car.

No way of travelling will be perfect with 2 DC, but it's no different from going on holiday, i.e routines are disrupted. In my book, family celebrations are worth a bit of disruption to routines, and kids are very adaptable. :)

You are pissed off that they booked their wedding in a place that special to them? Rather than prioritising you, your dh and children?

This is why you're unreasonable! If you don't want to go, then don't go. Don't look for excuses and blame others.

But as PP have said, easy for you to travel up day before, settle DCs and DH arrives later. It's the kind of thing you do for family weddings.

Another who immediately thought the solution would be OP leaving a day in advance with the kids when I read it. Shouldn’t be an issue unless there is some back story involving both kids on respirators or some such drama. The DH could catch a train after work and meet OP in morning and all could travel last leg together.

My brother is getting married in Ireland next year, I’ll be flying the day before with DS who will be 14 months to ensure we’re there in plenty time and well rested.

Is there a reason you can’t do the same?

"they’ve just picked it because they like it"

The selfish bastards, obviously they should have picked somewhere you prefer.

You have lots of notice and lots of options, as suggested on this thread.

I can't see that you have said what your DH's opinion is on you and the DC not going - what does he think?

Under the circumstances, YABVU not to attend.

It's their wedding. Of course they've chosen somewhere special to them, as they should. You ARE being precious and you definitely are looking for reasons not to go. You should make the effort.

I don't think that they should have to prioritise your children when they pick where they get married. There are loads of options open to you with regards to travelling there, but you don't want to go. At least acknowledge that to yourself.

The logistics are too difficult, so no yanbu. I missed my cousins wedding as I wasn't prepared to travel for it. Perfectly fine to suggest DH takes the sleeper for it and to go without you.

To be honest I think for close family like that I would make the effort, if through gritted teeth. I like the idea that you could go up during the day and your DH could do the difficult journey later and join you up there. Yes, the children might be grumpy but it's just one day, and it will probably really upset them if you don't go.

I once had to go to a family member's wedding in Scotland (same as you, no connection to the area, everyone had to travel up) on a THURSDAY (so three days off work!) and they didn't even have a proper reception after. I was really annoyed but I think for a family member's wedding you should make the effort in the name of family harmony.

I would ask dh to tell the head his brothers wedding is on the Friday. Surely they will allow him the day. I don't think they are being unfair to have the wedding in Scotland it sounds lovely.

I used to have to travel a fair bit with two young children on my own and I hated it. Stressful, tiring, horrible for the DC, and incredibly expensive. Add in taxis without child seats, and hire cars where booked child seats don't materialise, late overcrowded trains where reservations are cancelled, and delayed flights, and it can be a nightmare.

Can you go without the dc? Do you have family/friends near you who would babysit for the weekend? I have been to one wedding with my dc and I swore NEVER AGAIN! They weren’t naughty or anything but I couldn’t have great conversations, enjoy my dinner, had to change nappies, feed baby all whilst trying to look pretty in a dress, then they had to go to bed and that meant we had to take turns sitting in the bedroom...it ruined the wedding for us tbh. So now if I can find childcare I do!! This would be my first option to try, then I would ask dh to ask for the Friday off and see what happens, last option would be to go earlier like pp’s have said.

It is the B&G's choice to choose any destination they like for their wedding, but they have to expect that not everyone will be able to make it. It is unreasonable to expect anything else. If you want everyone to make it, choose somewhere close to home and have some consideration for your guests.

No, I don't think I would be travelling such a distance with a baby and toddler alone. Nor would I leave them at such a young age.

Sending dh is a great compromise and absolutely what we would do in your position. I certainly wouldn't feel bad about it either.

Where in the highlands and where are you?

Ot does sound like you aren’t keen at all so if that’s the case just let DH go alone.

YABU to be pissed off at their choice.

I'm surprised your DH can't get the Friday off school as it's his brother's wedding.

If not, I'd fly up in the morning with my DH following in the evening.

Woman up, @NameChange9182 and attend the wedding. Options are:

Travel up the day before if you can, ahead of your husband. Get other family to help you.

Get your husband to request time off and travel together.

Leave the children with your parents. They’ll likely be fine.

Leave the children with friends. Again, they’ll likely be fine.

I suspect that the OP thought that posting on mn about BIL and SIL's 'selfish' wedding choices would get her lots of support. Not in this case. I notice OP hasn't responded to any of the practical suggestions about going earlier, or her dh asking for time off...

Leave the baby with your parents and take the three year old. Lots of options if you actually want to go.

Janus Wed 06-Nov-19 08:35:38
My only thought is would you be able to leave without your husband a day or two before so you can make sure the children sleep well the night before? Maybe get a flight with other family members so they can give you a hand??

AKAanothername Wed 06-Nov-19 08:36:10
Can you not travel with the children during the day and your husband follow later?
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Agree with the above posters.