WIBU to miss BIL wedding in Scotland?

[NameChange9182]

I’m a regular poster (penis beaker, softzilla etc) but have name-changed as I’m worried SIL is on here.

BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL have just announced they are getting married in Scotland next year in the Highlands. The area is important to them as they visit every year to go hiking etc and they have loose, distant family heritage connections to the area. However they have never lived in Scotland and none of their living relatives or any of their friends live up there (we mostly live in London or are scattered across the south).

The problem for us with getting there is that it’s not possible to just travel up on the day and get there in time for the ceremony, so you have to travel up the day before. The wedding is on a Saturday but is during term time and DH is a teacher so can’t take the day off, so that means not leaving until around 4pm on the Friday.

Apparently other guests who are teachers are either getting the sleeper train that night to arrive the next morning, are flying up to Edinburgh after school and then hiring a car to drive the rest of the way that night, or are staying in Edinburgh for the night and then getting a train for the last bit on the saturday morning. None of those options would really work for us as we have two young children (DS will be 3 and DD will be 11 months) - they really need their sleep routine (I’m not being precious, they will genuinely be horrors at the wedding the next day if they haven’t slept) and all 3 options would mean keeping them up way past their bedtime.

I think BIL and SIL think they are being accommodating as they have researched and told us all the travel options and have also said they “don’t mind” if we’re not able to bring the kids (but have also asked DS to be page boy if he does come?!) I don’t feel able to leave them for two nights, even with my parents. They are fine looking after DS for a day but they’re not in the best of health and he’s a handful at the best of times, without adding the baby too!

So my suggestion is that DH goes alone on the sleeper train and I stay at home with the kids. Although tbh I’d be upset to miss it and I think BIL and SIL would be quite offended (most of their friends don’t have kids so I think they just don’t get it!). Overall I’m just pissed off that they’ve chosen somewhere so difficult to get to for all of their guests and haven’t made sure that it works for close family before choosing it. Just feels like we haven’t been considered properly and they don’t really care if our kids are there or not but will be offended if DH and I aren’t there.

WIBU to say it’s too difficult for me to go, either with or without the kids?

It sounds like it won't be easy but I do think you need to make the effort. It's not a cousin or a friend, it's your brother in law.

You have options. Personally I wouldn't be panicking until you know your husband definitely can't get the day off. He should be asking ASAP.

If he can't, then I'd go early. Leave a big case with everyone's stuff in with him to fly up with later and just take enough to occupy the children for the journey and nappies etc

If you go early you have the choice of train or flight. Train will obviously be much longer but maybe easier.

What’s with the weird emotional blackmail on this thread, of which this is one example.

Call it emotional blackmail if you like, but I was putting it an emotional context that the OP doesn't seem to have considered or prioritised. Notice that I don't say she should consider or prioritise it.

It's inconceivable to my mum that I don't really have a relationship with my brother. He lives 1 mile away from me, but I see him less than my sisters, 70 miles away. We have nothing to do with each other. I invited him to my wedding, he didn't come. My sister invited him to hers, he did come for the meal and skipped the ceremony.

My mum would be hurt by my indifference to him (my dad sees it for what it is and isn't bothered by it either), I don't let it show.

This isn't just about the context of practicalities. It's about the emotions too. If they don't attend, they risk affecting those for the sake of a less than ideal weekend trip.

But then the bride and groom risk affecting those for the sake of an ideal wedding.

BIL has to take a day off work, which he may not get. No way would ever put my siblings to that hassle.

People are being very harsh. My friend always laments that it takes longer for her to get home to Wick from Glasgow than it does for our other friend to get to Pakistan to visit his family.
If you are at all fussed about making sure all your close family will be able to attend your wedding, you consider these sorts of practicalities. If the location is more important (fair enough, nothing actually wrong with that, strokes/folks etc) then crack on. But you don’t then get to huff and puff and be all offended when the people you blatantly didn’t prioritise then don’t prioritise you in turn.

Yup. Understanding that choices you make may have consequences is also part of adulting.

It's not like is a massive imposition, though. They know that there are flights in the later afternoon and evening, sleeper trains, early morning flights, etc., all of which would be possible - OP just doesn't want to disrupt naptimes. I doubt they thought family would be so inflexible not to come, given that time of work isn't essential, many people take that journey regularly with children, and there are loads and loads of ways that the OP could make it work if she wanted to. Scotland really isn't the ends of the earth. Yeah, it might cost a bit and take some time and be a bit less than an ideal weekend cosy at home, but it also might be fun, nice to see family, beautiful scenery, an adventure for children, and really not as hard as OP is making it out to be, if she wanted to see it that way. And sometimes it is good to put yourself out a bit for other people - they may do the same for you one day.

Given that DH works in a school where merely asking for time off may be problematic, the idea that it isn't a significant imposition is pretty debatable. And any argument about the benefits of putting oneself out can be applied across the board. But it doesn't sound like the couple have thought much about anything at all really.

But it doesn't sound like the couple have thought much about anything at all really.

You mean apart from the suggestion of multiple travel and babysitting options, and options for participation as well. AND paying for a nanny at the event to support OP?

You get the impression on this thread that some PP are determined for this couple not to "win". They may not understand everything about having kids, but it certainly seems like they aren't thoughtless.

I asked about providing a wedding creche on the wedding threads to allow kids to come but not be bored and fidgety during the ceremony, or to have naps in the afternoon without a parents sitting out.

Most people answered honestly whether or not they'd feel comfortable with the service. Fine either way if that's how people feel. One poster was determined to make out I was a self-centred twat for even considering hearing my own wedding ceremony over squalling children as a priority.

Strong vibes of that coming off this thread, from some.

Their hearts may be in the Highlands but they can’t expect it to suit everyone . Such a shame you will have to miss it - if they are offended it’s tough . It’s not like you will be stopping DH from attending .

8pm Gatwick to Inverness flight- hire car. Could be there in 4 1/2 hours? (Including airport clearance).

Not really thecats, especially as some of them are simply not very good ideas. The wedding nanny for example: being unwilling to leave your baby with a stranger is hardly a niche position! I should've clarified I meant before the decision on venue and time was made rather than attempts to cobble together a solution afterwards, so that's on me, but regardless this is still not a wedding plan that is evidencing any real thought for the guests.

You mean apart from the suggestion of multiple travel and babysitting options, and options for participation as well. AND paying for a nanny at the event to support OP?

It’s standard to consider travel, accommodation and babysitting options for a wedding.

They failed to consider the basics of whether DH can actually attend tho.

Yes, that would seem rather more important than brainstorming about childcare solutions after the fact.

I think they did think about how they could attend - they made different suggestions, did they not? But the OP has decided that none of those (nor any suggested by PP on this thread) will work for her.

Guestzilla not bridezilla!

"8pm Gatwick to Inverness flight- hire car. Could be there in 4 1/2 hours? (Including airport clearance)."

And how much would this cost, plus hotel nights for Friday and Saturday?

I am also actually incensed that many posters seem to think it perfectly OK for the poster's DH to ask for time off - he is a teacher.
If one of their children was old enough to attend school, they would probably be fined for missing school. I have read of numerous examples where this has been the case. But somehow, teachers are different and they can have the time off easily!!

I'm not a particularly social person, however I think I would be trying my very best to attend a wedding of a sibling or one of DHs siblings, not out of obligation but because it would be a nice event to go and to take my DC to meet people that they may not see that often. Ok, the little one won't remember but the older one probably will.

So, as much as it's an invitation not a summons and the couple have already said that they would understand, in the OP's shoes, I would be gutted if we didn't go.

Just to add, remember that the drink drive levels in Scotland are much stricter than you will be used to, so if you are hiring a car, consider what time you will need to drive the day after the wedding.

I am also actually incensed that many posters seem to think it perfectly OK for the poster's DH to ask for time off - he is a teacher.

As someone whose job is to improve working conditions for teachers, it saddens me to read sentiments like this.

Our organisation works with thousands of schools, and there's a consistent trend amongst the high performing ones for valuing their staff, including flexibility.

Recently married
We went abroad
My sibling came without other half
We weren't offended
We were not offended by anyone who didn't come.
We understood it was a lot to ask of others
We understood that this might happen as a consequence of us getting married abroad

@milveycrohn yes teachers are different in comparison to the children mainly because the children are there to be educated and it can obviously have an effect on their education if they miss lots of school! A teacher on the other hand does not miss out by missing a day. In fact just in case you didn’t know it’s more hassle for a teacher to ask for a day off because then they have to prep for a supply teacher etc.

Has your DH actually asked about having the day off on the Friday? It's not usual for teachers to take the day off for social reasons, but then it's not a frequent occurrence for a sibling to get married (assuming your BIL is not a serial marry-er) and many Headteachers will often be flexible for major family events such as weddings, funerals and graduations. Not all, apparently, but I've only come across two HTs over 20 years of teaching and working with over 100 schools who are meanies about this kind of event. It is definitely worth asking.

We understood that this might happen as a consequence of us getting married abroad

Would just like to point out that currently Scotland wouldn't count as abroad for the rest of the UK.
It isn't even that difficult to get to. Honestly.

milveycrohn well of course teachers are different to pupils

I wouldn't have batted an eyelid if one of my DCs teachers had time off for a family wedding. They are human too.

Depending on the age of the class/subject then it could be used as a teaching tool. Why do people get married, what are the promises about, what's the history of the area of Scotland the wedding is in et etc. Of course, they could be teaching High School maths in which case they probably would give all that a miss! :o

It's actually easier to get to the highlands from London than places that are geographically much closer as you can fly or have the sleeper train. Everyone else in other areas just has to drive or take several trains. So it's doable.

Once you have to get on a plane or a sleeper it doesn’t make any difference whether you’re staying within the U.K. or going to France.