WIBU to miss BIL wedding in Scotland?

[NameChange9182]

I’m a regular poster (penis beaker, softzilla etc) but have name-changed as I’m worried SIL is on here.

BIL (DH’s brother) and SIL have just announced they are getting married in Scotland next year in the Highlands. The area is important to them as they visit every year to go hiking etc and they have loose, distant family heritage connections to the area. However they have never lived in Scotland and none of their living relatives or any of their friends live up there (we mostly live in London or are scattered across the south).

The problem for us with getting there is that it’s not possible to just travel up on the day and get there in time for the ceremony, so you have to travel up the day before. The wedding is on a Saturday but is during term time and DH is a teacher so can’t take the day off, so that means not leaving until around 4pm on the Friday.

Apparently other guests who are teachers are either getting the sleeper train that night to arrive the next morning, are flying up to Edinburgh after school and then hiring a car to drive the rest of the way that night, or are staying in Edinburgh for the night and then getting a train for the last bit on the saturday morning. None of those options would really work for us as we have two young children (DS will be 3 and DD will be 11 months) - they really need their sleep routine (I’m not being precious, they will genuinely be horrors at the wedding the next day if they haven’t slept) and all 3 options would mean keeping them up way past their bedtime.

I think BIL and SIL think they are being accommodating as they have researched and told us all the travel options and have also said they “don’t mind” if we’re not able to bring the kids (but have also asked DS to be page boy if he does come?!) I don’t feel able to leave them for two nights, even with my parents. They are fine looking after DS for a day but they’re not in the best of health and he’s a handful at the best of times, without adding the baby too!

So my suggestion is that DH goes alone on the sleeper train and I stay at home with the kids. Although tbh I’d be upset to miss it and I think BIL and SIL would be quite offended (most of their friends don’t have kids so I think they just don’t get it!). Overall I’m just pissed off that they’ve chosen somewhere so difficult to get to for all of their guests and haven’t made sure that it works for close family before choosing it. Just feels like we haven’t been considered properly and they don’t really care if our kids are there or not but will be offended if DH and I aren’t there.

WIBU to say it’s too difficult for me to go, either with or without the kids?

This is about the third thread in recent weeks about the impossibility of travelling to Scotland for a family wedding. People seem to be getting more and more parochial these days

I often think that journeys to Scotland are viewed with particular suspicion! It wouldn't be any longer than the journey in reverse, but I suspect attending a wedding in London would be seen as easier somehow!

You can get the fast train from Euston or Kings Cross to Edinburgh in the morning that would get you there by lunchtime (should be able to get some good deals if the wedding isn’t until next year). Catch the train to their location in the afternoon and put the kids to bed early for the next day. I used to catch these services via a daily commute and they are usually full of young families with kids far younger than yours - I agree with pp that you are being awkward and selfish.

I suspect attending a wedding in London would be seen as easier somehow!
Yy that's what I thought too. People in Scotland are so accustomed to travelling to London for work, meetings, etc. But when people in London are asked to make the same journey in reverse they act as though it's a terrible inconvenience and almost impossible to navigate

BertrandRussell totally agree. I hadnt realised that I should have always travelled with my OH with the DC when they were younger? God I must have been evil to consider taking 3 DC on a 5hr train journey on my own and clearly couldn’t cope. Or when I took 2 dc on a plane when 3 and 1. Just shows you.....

Overall I’m just pissed off that they’ve chosen somewhere so difficult to get to for all of their guests and haven’t made sure that it works for close family before choosing it

You've spent too much time on MN. You think they are unreasonable by picking a gorgeous wedding location that means a lot to them, and are being a baby and throwing your toys out of the pram and saying 'no, not going, and not even going to consider the very easy options'.

Just get yourselves there and grow up. This is your family.

I think everyone knows it's doable Bertrand, it's just shit. Maybe this is old fashioned but I wanted the people that came to my wedding to actually enjoy themselves. That lassie is going to have 2 shit nights' sleep and 2 long, unpleasant journeys. If that was my wedding and she said she wasn't coming I wouldn't be pissed off with her, I'd totally understand and I'd feel a bit guilty that I'd made it so hard for her to come! I mean even if it was out of termtime. School's out for about 15 weeks a year, surely there was some date that they could have found in the holidays? It would have been more expensive though eh.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's my background. I'm working class Scottish. I don't think any of my family would have the arrogance to expect all their relatives to find the time and money to come away for a destination wedding. Christ my cousin got married in a hotel in Loch Long - 45 minutes' drive from our hometown - and there was outrage from the relatives that they were going to have to go somewhere that you couldn't get back home to the same night in a 10 quid taxi journey. She ended up laying on a coach to get them all home. I find this stuff the height of narcissism. I mean fine, you want to get married somewhere remote, go for it. Invite all your friends? Brilliant. But then get the hump if someone doesn't want to come? Nope, sorry, that's bridezilla territory.

I think you do need to look for some nice accommodation near the wedding venue, and go up early with the children. If you go on Thursday you will have all of Friday for the DCs to rest and recover, and your DH can make his own way up on Friday night.

There must be a nice hotel or Airbnb near to the venue, and once you have that planned and organised you will feel a lot less stressed about it all.

Sorry if this is not what you want to hear but I think that you need to make an effort to go. I have travelled from Cornwall to Scotland many times on my own when my children were little and my DH was stationed there. I would travel on the Thursday so the children have Friday to adjust, or as PP suggest ask my DH to ask for an unpaid leave day for the Friday.
You can make this work, you just have to want to....

“to the posters suggesting OP travelling the day before with with 2 under 4, did you ever travel on your own with so little kids??”

yes, so much easier on a short flight than a long train journey frankly.
You need all the hand luggage you can get, but apart from that, it's fine.

There might even be family members - or friends - who could travel together and help out?

This is totally doable, you can find a way if you want to which it appears you don't. It's not a random old friend you've not seen for years it's DH brother, it wouldn't even occur to me not to go under these circumstances. Might have an eye roll at it being a pain in the arse, but not going? No way, this is close family.

Christ my cousin got married in a hotel in Loch Long - 45 minutes' drive from our hometown - and there was outrage from the relatives that they were going to have to go somewhere that you couldn't get back home to the same night in a 10 quid taxi journey. She ended up laying on a coach to get them all home.

Your poor cousin. Its a pity people don't stop and think that its up to the bride and groom how and where they celebrate their wedding. Why should everyone elses opinions matter more?

And yes, I agree with MuppetShow travelling on your own with young kids isn't that bad on a short flight, just need to be organised. Long train I'm with you, but short flights are pretty straightforward

toomuchtooold

I genuinely don't know anyone who could have a local wedding involving no travel for anyone, with 2 people from the same village getting marrying to each other and having their entire family and friends in said village.

because people move, have families from different places - if even the same country - it's just normal for most of us to include travel when there's a wedding involved. Even if the bride gets married at home for example, at least half or more of the guests won't be local anyway.

I am sure some people have a very local life, but I don't know any.

Off topic but seems a bit daft to give away your other identities in your OP.

Any reason why you haven't answered to the suggestion that you go in advance of your DH?

Why do you have to travel with your DH?

You travel to Edinburgh on the train or plane in the daytime. (I've done London to Edinburgh with 2 DC plenty of times, it's perfectly doable.)

Leave first thing Friday and you'll be there in plenty of time to get your DC settled. It's 4.5 hours on the train from London and 1 hour by plane.

Then your DH joins you late Friday night.

Saturday morning, get the train with the other guests who are doing the same. Job done!

Off topic but seems a bit daft to give away your other identities in your OP.

If you mean penis beaker and softzilla, the OP is referring to well known threads.

I think that if the future SIL is on MN then the cat is definitely out of the bag now.

to the posters suggesting OP travelling the day before with with 2 under 4, did you ever travel on your own with so little kids??

Yes. I started travelling by myself with my siblings’ kids from when they were 2 weeks old due to various problems in their families, and would often have 2-3 kids with me (mix of babies and toddlers). Direct trains to Scotland from London are some of the easiest possible journeys it’s possible to make anywhere in the world.

to the posters suggesting OP travelling the day before with with 2 under 4, did you ever travel on your own with so little kids??

Very often! To the Scottish Highlands, to the US, to Canada - geez we even went to Scarborough and Blackpool! No big hassle if you're organised.

This is your husband's brother! Make the effort.

You go without your husband to get kids sorted on the Thursday and he comes up the next day after work?
Could you fly?
I live a good family wedding so would make the effort.

Of course you should go.

I get where you are coming from, my two were better when we stuck to a routine, but you can manage this. Can you head up with your in laws on Thursday, that way you get a hand with travelling and your DH can head up Friday evening.

Ok to answer some questions:

No, DH has not asked his head yet. But he works in a really strict, high-pressured school and he thinks his head would be very likely to say no and to be annoyed that he asked. There is also a rota for Saturday mornings but he can request to have that Saturday off without much difficulty.

As for going up earlier than DH, I’m just not sure I could manage a toddler, baby and luggage on my own on a plane, and the train is 8 hours so that would be hell with my boisterous 3 year old. PIL won’t be around to help me as they are going up a few days early to help set up and don’t live near us anyway so it would be quite out of their way. I could ask DH’s sister and her husband. However they are not a hugely close family so it would be very much us asking them for a favour rather than them excitedly offering to help out IYSWIM, which does make me feel uncomfortable, but I suppose it’s an option.

For those of you saying I’m just looking to avoid it as I don’t want to go - I was actually very excited when they got engaged and couldn’t wait for a family wedding. I wasn’t even hugely worried about whether DC would be invited as we’ve been to local weddings without DC and had a blast for the afternoon and evening with the kids at home being looked after by my parents (with us getting home around midnight). It’s just the location now has made things really difficult for us as I don’t want to leave the kids for two nights / don’t think I’d be able to and also can’t see a way to get there with them and us also enjoy the day and have a good time (they will likely be tired, bored and grumpy so we will spend the whole time comforting/distracting them).

SIL has mentioned looking into getting a nanny to look after them in a separate room on the day but then that seems even more ridiculous, to drag them all that way and then they don’t even take part!

Also for those saying I wanted them to plan the day around our DC - not at all. Any venue at all in the SE of England or the midlands would have meant we could have gone up on the morning and had an enjoyable time. Plus our kids are their only niece and nephew, DH is the groom’s brother and they do get on, so yes I did expect them to at least consider whether they would be able to come.

It's really not even that far. I've been to numerous weddings out of the UK, babies have been brought, people have made holidays out of it, a great time has been had by all.

If you don't want/feel it is too difficult for you to go, don't go, and I'm sure BIL and SIL would understand. But don't moan about them being inconsiderate because it is their day, it will be a wonderful memory for everyone, and you could go if you really wanted to.