To ask my MIL to stay in an AirBnB when she visits?

[LoverNotOfChicken]

We have 3 kids and a 3 bedroom house. Lots of kids, toys and stuff! Rejig of rooms when she stays, blow up beds etc.

About 4 houses down is an AirBnB, £26 per night. Really nice lady runs / owns it. Is it unreasonable to suggest she stops there in future? MIL doesn't visit often, only 3 times a year for a 4 days, no FIL on the scene.

How do you even vote on here? I can't see how to do it from my laptop.

(Don't use phone to browse)

The votes are based, quite clearly on 'nothing wrong with this, my parents always stay in a hotel'

'I wouldn't mind peace and quiet in a B & B OR A CHEAP HOTEL' for privacy and glass of wine and ensuite'

Very few people, quick to jump, in have read the thread at all and miss the point totally.

It would involve moving ONE DC FGS.

The votes are clearly completely skewed as, as usual only a few people bother to read the thread properly, just want to jump in with their opinion, which is not based on the situation/facts being posted.

I must say that I was shocked when I saw the results the vote here and so was my husband.

Personally, if I want someone in my life and circle, especially if they're nice, the thought of accommodating them outside my house when they visit wouldn't even occur to me. I'd love them around me and no amount of preparation before, during and after their visit would bother me because it's a joyful opportunity to connect and be connected, a renewal of bondage. I find this crucial to our mental and physical health. I'd find less meaning in life if we can't share our lives with the nice, kind people we come across in our lives. I keep them very close, as close as in my home. I don't worry about sleeping arrangements, food, ... because they know I'll ask them to help me to put things together and clear them up. They offer to help too. Often they take us out for a meal during their stay as we do that when we visit them but it isn't compulsory. I wouldn't be the one suggesting they should stay somewhere else unless I don't want them around me. These are the ones that aren't nice and kind or have a history of using others and abusing other's hospitality. Grans aren't usually like this so I always wanted them in my kids' lives. When they love their gran kids, they really do and that's priceless and so precious. I wouldn't risk that by even suggesting they're better off elsewhere. It could hurt their feelings beyond repair especially if they live on their own and visits only 12 days a year. May be they really look forward to it and it's the highlight of their life. Kids can't have enough people to really love them or can they! Who's more likely to do that apart from their parents!?

God OP, some of the replies to you on here are pure hysteria! Offer her the Air B&B, say you'll pay, if she accepts fine, if not she can stay with you, YANBU at all.

The vote should be just under the ops first post. It should be there even on the laptop. It may be that you accidentally closed it, as there's an X on a side corner.

Once a person has voted, you can go back and change the vote if you decided to after reading any updates.

I haven't missed the point about moving one kid.

I have asked the following and variations of the following to establish what happens when moving that one kid is no longer an option.

What happens when there is no space because I don't know they are too big to have all 3 in one room?

Or if the op has boys and girls, and the 13-year-old daughter doesn't want to share with her brothers or vice versa?

What happens when the children say no I don't want to sleep in with nan, siblings or whoever?

I think she'd be put out. 6 people in a 3 bed house for a few days isn't too much of a problem is it?
However if you decide to go down this route I would definitely talk to her first and if she seems ok then you can either offer to pay or maybe take everyone out to a Harvester or Toby one night which would also ease the pressure on you.

The only way I can see this question being asked with less risk (when the OP likes her MIL and would actually like her to visit more, not less) is, when next MIL comes down (and stays in the house) that the OP says how much they enjoy seeing her. Then mentions that they'd love her to come more often, and asks of there's anything they can do to make it easier or more comfortable for her to do so.
"If the house is a bit noisy or crowded for you, we'd hate for that to be a barrier to you coming. So we wouldn't be offended if you prefer to sleep at X's Airbnb four doors down"

The important thing is that MIL knows she's wanted without a shadow of any doubt. Because otherwise she IS likely to over think, worry that she's in the way and come less often.

Happy to close the thread now to be honest! Thanks for all the replies. I didn't realise it would be so hotly debated.

Thanks ffs but no, there is no way to vote, no collapsed bit by accident etc, I have wondered this for the last year! I'll write to MNHQ when I can be bothered.

Just presumed it was for those using the app.

In regards to your query, I think it would become quite clear when they were past toddler/primary age and everyone would work something out.

It wouldn't be unreasonable to say something at that stage. Presumably there will be a very obvious problem then with three teens all battling for their own roon between themselves and a solution would have to be found for everyone.

But for now, they are little.

But that is years off. I think santaclara gives the best solution.

I'd love them around me and no amount of preparation before, during and after their visit would bother me because it's a joyful opportunity to connect and be connected, a renewal of bondage
I don't know what this poster is on, but I'd love some of it

Thanks all!

I'm happy to stay in a Premier or Travel Lodge for the last night of a visit to DS. We get a decent night's sleep and a leisurely breakfast before travelling home.

I'm not sure I'd feel the same about a bedroom in someone else's house, sorry.

Perhaps she feels she disrupts you when she visits. I'm not mad keen on airbeds and shared bathrooms at my age. Why not have a conversation with her and see how you could make her visits more comfortable? She might prefer a hotel if there's one nearby, so she can retreat for an afternoon nap!

I think it sounds perfect tbh! Just word it so that it sounds like you're doing it for her own comfort!

My MIL used to stay at a hotel down the road when she visited us at our old house at the same time as SIL and her BF. We only had 2 beds/rooms, and she is too polite to let us give her our bed! I think she also likes some time and space to herself, and 5 adults in a small cramped 2-up-2-down doesn't do it... Now we have a bigger house she stays here.

BillieEilish
Sorry I wasn't singling you out with those questions. But thank you for asking. Finally, someone answered lol.

It was just a general question to those who think this is such an outrageous suggestion because a lot of people saying she is unreasonable because of how they feel. Almost in an all I care about is how hurt I would feel etc. And how any caring person should think about the guest.

And I'm thinking what about the feelings of the occupants. What happens then? Would they simply stop going? Would they still demand space? Do the martyr thing and sleep on the sofa, even though a perfectly suitable option has been proposed. Would a caring nan still insist on sharing their grandchild's bed even when that child objects? Or sleeping with their adult child, when the adult for whatever reason doesn't want to.

I'm not trying to provoke anyone and accept that I value my kids wanting their own space seems odd to others. That they have a say in where they sleep in their own home, and shouldn't just be expected to give this up. Doesn't mean I have raised them to be unkind, just that everyone should have somewhere to call their own. To have their own right to privacy.

Doesn't this somehow send out mixed feelings? On the one hand, we tell them to respect privacy and boundaries. To consider others feelings. That you have a choice what happens to your body. But then conditions are put on this.

I admit, societal 'norms' baffle me and I ask questions to try and understand the other sides.

My children are still kids at the moment but if they put me in a hotel rather than with them when adults I’d be really upset. Id do it if that’s what they wanted but I’d feel pretty unloved and shit about it. If she only sees you a few times a year surely you can put up with a few days inconvenience? She’d miss out on breakfast etc with you most likely.Just doesn’t sound very nice to me. Different maybe if not family but she is. I don’t think it’s a nice idea unless she suggests it herself.

Why don’t you and dh give up your room for her and sleep on blow up bed in lounge??

ffs I know you weren't singly me out! It's odd, I am 50 next year and going to stay with my DS and new Dnephew and my own DD (11)

Dsis said for my present she would book me into the local (poshish) hotel and my DD could stay overnight with them.

No way, I replied, I'm not waking up on my 50th without DD, Dsis and nephew, in an hotel on my own! I will wake up as per usual on the wooden floor upstairs with DD, in a sleeping bag!

It's what families do.

FWIW my lovely DMil and Sil are dead (but always stayed) and I am totally NC with my parents (20 years) and live abroad so I am hardly a homebody! Also I travelled and stayed in lhotels probably once a week before DD.

ffs my DD slept on the floor in my room in a 'nest' when my friend and her son came to stay (I think she was about 4) DC's don't mind at that age, if they do, tough IMO!

Anyway, OP seems to want to shut her thread!

If I was her I would prefer it, you might even find that she visits more.
Ask her if she would prefer it rather than staying at yours.
suggest you try it out and see how it goes. If she doesn't like it back to topping and tailing on the next visit. However you should pay for it.

I think you need to be a bit more understanding about her and the amount of time she visits, she is still young and works full time, I suspect still has a social life, so visiting 3/4 a years appears to be about right.

Once again, the view that MILs have no feelings- or if they do they have no right to have them considered-makes its regular appearance.

For me it’s not that she can’t have feeling/isn’t allowed to show them, But it’s more the fact that she will be visiting somebody else’s home, And the people who own the home have the right to be comfortable when they host or don’t visitors.

Like it or not extended family are visitors and guests. They throw off the running of the household while they are there.

Some people happily deal with that, and for other people it’s far too stressful and ruins the visit.

In this case, it seems like OP is trying to set up expectations to ensure that the relationship continues to be loving. Her feelings are just as valid as the MILs, no?

@BillieEilish

Whereas I'd have taken up the hotel offer like a shot! I'm 45 and have decided that my days of sleeping bags on floors are well and truly over. I love a bit of luxury.

I honestly don't there's any one way that families "do" things, we're all different, aren't we. No one's way is wrong, it's whatever suits that particular family.

I presume it would be kids on the floor in the sleeping bag not the MIL .

If it's the adult on the floor does this matter?

AmICrazy I did think about it for 20 seconds! But no, no way, Dsis has a 2 year old, so, bless her she was thinking of her dream scenario!

DD is 11 and I don't want to miss a minute, she's growing up so fast.

Even so, it crossed my mind... 50 waking up on the floor crack the champers!

The point is also, I KNEW she wasn't saying I was unwelcome 100%. No creeping doubts about being unwelcome. She is single, I will be visiting without DH, and she offered to keep DD with her.

So I felt free to correct her on that and will be on the floor!

I know I’m late to this thread but I think it’s a bit rude. Sometimes hanging out with the kids in your dressing gown in the morning with a cuppa are the best times.

For a MIL I mean