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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my MIL to stay in an AirBnB when she visits?

414 replies

LoverNotOfChicken · 05/11/2019 23:38

We have 3 kids and a 3 bedroom house. Lots of kids, toys and stuff! Rejig of rooms when she stays, blow up beds etc.

About 4 houses down is an AirBnB, £26 per night. Really nice lady runs / owns it. Is it unreasonable to suggest she stops there in future? MIL doesn't visit often, only 3 times a year for a 4 days, no FIL on the scene.

OP posts:
mary1066 · 07/11/2019 22:12

I've always made room for my visitors and always will irrespective of the size of my house. The only people exempt from this are those who don't do the same for me. I just don't go to them and if they wish to see us they can find their own accommodation. My MIL used to come and stay with us as my mum did, neither of them were exactly easy but when I look back I feel good about myself and the times we had. They were hospitable and generous. My MIL wasn't well off at all and lived in a rented home but she wasn't not mean at all. Both of them used make room for their visitors although most of their own AC would make sure nobody stayed with them over night. Now my AC with their families come and stay with us and we stay with them. We see each other 6 times a year. Our house is big enough but theirs aren't. I'd be very hurt if I was on my own and my AC and his or her spouse wouldn't want me in their home because they felt I disrupted their lives. I'd hate feeling unwanted. If I choose to stay in an AirBnB, that would be different. I just don't think the world would be a better place by not embracing and accommodating, and making each other feel good. But that's me and my husband.

Eerika · 07/11/2019 22:36

I travel a couple of thousand miles to visit my sons, their partners and my grandchildren. I have no problem with bunking on the sofa, air bed or top to toeing with a grandchild. Because I want to be with my family.
I suppose it depends on the type of person you are and how you get on.
We live a stones throw from the Mediterranean and always have people staying. Mattresses fill the house during the summer months. We have even slept on the roof. Have fun. Get on and live while you can.

TriciaH87 · 07/11/2019 22:37

I say go for it. Point out she can spend the days and evenings with you, then you all get to sleep in proper beds not disrupting the kids routine. Once she's up and ready and you have all had a good night's sleep you will all be ready for the day ahead. Air beds are not ideal so say with this so close maybe its worth a try on her next visit. Suggest she does 2 nights with you and 2 there the first time if you think it will help just to see how she likes it.

WillowPuppy · 07/11/2019 22:45

My SIL did a version of this (asked them to stay elsewhere), my parents were devastated & felt excluded from their G/Children's lives (her family lived close by, my parents 5 HR drive minimum). To go all that way - only be able to see them for a few hours & they couldn't afford it at the time, so weren't able to see them - I would say it depends on the circumstances & needs to be thought about carefully

GunpowderGelatine · 07/11/2019 22:51

I have to say it baffles me when people DON'T offer to stay in a hotel/AirBnB where there isn't a spare room in the house they're visiting (unless they're strapped for cash I suppose).

I remember as a child (in fact because of a MN thread this week I remembered his) when people stayed at our house (3 kids, a 2-bed but my mum and stepdad used the dining room as a bedroom, so I had 1 bedroom my brothers the other). My mum had (and still has) a morbid fear of being seen as being impolite, to literally anyone, and would have 6 people stay at a time if they were visiting - meaning from age 7 or so I was regularly booted out my room to sleep on 2 armchairs shoved together - if I was lucky otherwise it was a blanket on the floor - whilst a family member got my bed. They even bought a double bed for me so guests could stay in it! I hated this a child and look back wondering why no one (and they were wealthy enough) ever stayed in one of about 20 B&B's in the surrounding area!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 07/11/2019 23:17

I just don't think the world would be a better place by not embracing and accommodating, and making each other feel good.

You see, I think the opposite and that's the great thing about MN, it makes me see things from different perspectives.

I'd be delighted if someone offered to pay for me to sleep at an Airbnb or hotel rather than on an airbed or sofa in their house. I WOULD view it as incredibly kind and accommodating because they were enabling me to have a good night's sleep in a proper bed.

Our upcoming Christmas travel will be a week in an Airbnb 10 minutes walk from the Grandparents ( they much prefer this as they find hosting a strain nowadays) one night at someone's house; and a couple of nights in a hotel. We'll still have quality time with everyone and just go back to sleep and shower. Suits us perfectly.

ffswhatnext · 07/11/2019 23:47

What happens when there simply isn't enough space because of the families needs?
Do you all stop visiting? Do they just now visit you and stay with you regardless of space?

I've asked this in various ways. And no-one seems to want to answer.

Aridane · 08/11/2019 00:30

What does your husband , her son, think about his mother being shunted down the road to share accommodation with a random?

LovePoppy · 08/11/2019 02:00

Family would always be welcome in my home and with 3 dc you are really not overcrowded

You don’t know how her house is set up. Or how much each person takes up space wise. Don’t be so silly to assume that they wouldn’t be overcrowded

DreamTheMoors · 08/11/2019 02:46

Why are you asking on MN???

You have good intentions, you’re trying to please everyone, right?

ASK YOUR MOTHER IN LAW what she thinks.

It’s her comfort and accommodation that counts.

Asking strangers what you should be asking the person most affected by this is not the proper course for this, OP.

Deadringer · 08/11/2019 07:54

Well Lovepoppy the op doesn't say they are overcrowded. I am Irish so perhaps we view family in a different light, or perhaps it's just my family and friends, but in these circs we would put them up no problem.

BertrandRussell · 08/11/2019 08:00

You know those questions that look like questions but there really is only one possible answer?
“Jane - as you know, we don’t have a spare bedroom, would you like to stay at this b&b down the road when you visit?”

How self confident would you have to be to say “No thank you, I’d rather still stay with you” even if you really would.

mixedkebab · 08/11/2019 09:15

I just lost my MIL last Friday :(

Whenever she visited us she always stayed with us and I am so glad about that now.

We were lucky enough to have a spare room but on one occasion we had other family staying at the same time and it was a bit of a squeeze.

When we lived in a 2 bed in London my parents stayed at a b&b but only because they insisted. My father in law passed away before I got married so my MIL has always visited alone and always stayed with us. I would have rather have slept on a sofa myself than ask her to go to a hotel. It was only a few days and I would give anything right now to have her come and stay again 😢

marcusian · 08/11/2019 09:34

I cant help feeling that the fact you're having the discussion on here and not just calling your MIL to discuss it....is a problem in itself. You or DH explain the problem to her, give her the option, present the positives, make a joint decision surely.....unless theres something else going on?

ChickenLipa23 · 08/11/2019 09:36

I asked on here to see if it was an unreasonable request as I don't want to upset or hurt her feelings. I don't think it is crazy to get another option, especially as we don't see her very often. I just wanted others views on the subject.

Aridane · 08/11/2019 09:43

Name change fail?

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 08/11/2019 09:47

Whilst the voting shows a clear winner, the thread itself seems to be more 50/50. This just shows that your mil could be delighted, or could be insulted.

You're not going to know until you mention it to her. If she's delighted she'll let you know. If she's upset she mightn't immediately let you know, but might not be too quick to come back.

Pandaintheporridge · 08/11/2019 09:50

Or, she might be a bit put out but come to see that the visits are happier all round, if she gives it a shot.

TwiddleMuff · 08/11/2019 09:52

I think it sounds fine. I have stayed in similar digs before. The poster who said it sounds “horrific” needs a cold hard reality check!

NoSauce · 08/11/2019 10:03

You asked on here to get the ammunition behind you do go ahead with it. Sadly it didn’t quite go to plan.

BertrandRussell · 08/11/2019 10:08

Once again, the view that MILs have no feelings- or if they do they have no right to have them considered-makes its regular appearance.

Alsohuman · 08/11/2019 10:16

Once again, the view that MILs have no feelings- or if they do they have no right to have them considered-makes its regular appearance.

I wish I could time travel and see how this pans out when the next generation become Mils and the chickens come home to roost.

horseyhorsey17 · 08/11/2019 10:34

My Dad usually books himself into a B&B anyway when he comes to visit (he won't share a bathroom). Works out best all round really. I don't think it's unreasonable at all, so long as you offer to pay.

horseyhorsey17 · 08/11/2019 10:35

And also, obvs, if you ask in a sensitive way and she knows she can still stay with you if that's what she wants, but having a comfy bed rather than a blow-up and some peace and quiet in the evenings might work out best for her.

ChickenLipa23 · 08/11/2019 10:36

I don't need amunition. It was just a thought to make her stay more comfortable all round for everyone. No malicious against MILs.

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