Shop staff took my daughter out of her trolley seat

[mummydoingamasters]

Soooo, first time posting but I need a head wobble I think.
I have a tendency for the dramatics but this really did upset me.
Second time mum, DS2 and DD 12 weeks. We went shopping at a local supermarket and DD hates being moved around (who doesn't).
First off, there were no baby trolleys or car seat trolleys so I had to ask for the shop to let me use the one they were keeping indoors.
Walking round, DD starts to cry, a 'I've been disturbed and I'm going to make you pay for it' cry. A member of staff walking past started to touch her bare hand in an attempt to settle her. This member of staff was wearing work gloves and I don't know what she had been handling whilst wearing those gloves. I pushed the trolley on already embarrassed by the noise DD was making.
We get to the till and the member of staff on the till gets up, walks behind me to the trolley, unbuckles DD and has her up on her shoulder trying go to settle her while I'm unloading my shopping. There is no exchange, no attempt to engage with me if this is even ok just does it. I notice when another member of staff joins her and have to say that I don't like it when strangers pick up/touch/handle my child. She said she was trying to help as I was busy with the shopping and she thought it would help me. My thought process would probably have been to help with the shopping, not the strangers child or is it me that's wrong?!

I get home, tell my DP about it and he goes nuts. I'm usually the one to lose my temper quite quickly when it comes to the DC's but he was really unhappy. Understandably on reflection. I felt really outnumbered and caught off guard which is why I said nothing more than already stated but getting home and replaying it, I really think I down played this?

AIBU to contact the company and complain or am I being a fractious mum who needs to get over herself?

They were trying to help. I think it’s instinctive to want to pick a distressed child up or at least help them in some way when you are a Mother. I find it genuinely distressing hearing small babies cry, especially when I am breastfeeding my own baby (my boobs start to leak!). It’s just a natural instinctive thing for some Mother’s. You were obviously tied up packing your shopping into the trolley so they wanted to help, they didn’t mean any harm at all.

Why was it so hard for her to say ''Can I help?''
I can't beleive anyone would really be ok with this.

Can’t believe the posters talking about how it’s ‘instinct’ to ‘help’ and automatic, as if women turn into robotic automatons when they hear a crying newborn and are incapable of observing normal social boundaries.

If she wanted to help she could have asked if you’d like the baby picking up, or actually helped with the shopping. I’m still astounded anyone would claim to believe it’s okay for a complete stranger to walk over and pick up your child. Is it because she’s staff in a supermarket that is making people think it’s somehow okay?

It's natural to want to blame someone for scaring you but you need to recognise the part that you played in this.

Oh stop it. She didn’t play any part in the staff member’s bizarre decision to pick up her baby.

People don’t walk around picking up other people’s babies.

Wow. In my world, this would be a fond anecdote to laugh and tease my dc with in later years.

Oh stop it. She didn’t play any part in the staff member’s bizarre decision to pick up her baby.

No, she didn't. You're quite right. She did, however, play a significant part in creating the opportunity for the staff member to do so without her noticing. Luckily this time, it was a misguided but well-meaning shop assistant.

I get the idea that the OP would rather not feel this 'pulse in the ears' fear again. Since she cannot control other people's actions, the best way to move forward would be to consider how she might do things differently in the future herself.

You said in your own post that her instinct to protect her baby was healthy. She agreed. (FWIW, I also agree) However, for two people so concerned about protecting the baby, you are both remarkably reluctant to consider the best way to do that moving forward. Being outraged on MN about this incident isn't going to help if she doesn't learn from it.

And just to be clear, as I've said several times already, it was not okay for the staff member to pick the baby up without asking permission.

I think if she managed to unbuckle and take your DD out of the trolley without you noticing (because you then looked and panicked because DD wasnt where you left her.. so enough time had passed), then you are VERY lucky it was the shop assistant and noone else.

Omg noooo. Seriously they were ladies who worked there who could see you baby screaming. Alot of people would be relieved of someone to try settle a screaming infant when you are trying to shop. They probably thought that poor mum is flustered and is trying to sort the food shop. I always appreciate friendly faces who don't look at me for a screaming child. Obviously it's a common sense thing. They wasn't some weirdo outside a shop who's taken your child. Just staff trying to be helpful and perhaps thinking you needed 2 minutes x

DontMakeMeShushYou

I don’t know what you are actually suggesting, other than never leaving your baby in a trolley right next to you, which is ludicrous.

I don’t know what you are actually suggesting, other than never leaving your baby in a trolley right next to you, which is ludicrous.

Paying attention?
Being aware of your surroundings?

It's up to the OP to analyse what happened and what she could have done differently.

But really, let's be honest here. For the shop assistant to have got as far as unbuckling the baby and removing her entirely from the trolley before the OP noticed anything, the OP must have been very distracted indeed.

DontMakeMeShushYou

And being distracted while your child is right next to you and you are doing something you have to do is totally normal. Stop blaming her - there was no need for this person to do what they did.

Been there. My maternal instincts screamed out when strangers tried to touch my tiny baby! It’s a primal instinct and I don’t think you need to over ride it.

I also think the shop worker just wanted a cuddle. I have helped someone in Aldi before in this exact situation, but I helped her load her shopping, and I bloody asked first!

The defence of “it takes a village” and “don’t come crying when no one wants to look after your 2 year old” is so ridiculous! Why don’t this “village” help the mother with practical things so she can comfort the baby in the early days, then when mum and baby are READY help by taking the child (if the mum wants that)? If this village is so intent on roughshodding over one of the strongest instincts I’ve ever felt, I’m not sure I want their help to be honest.

And being distracted while your child is right next to you and you are doing something you have to do is totally normal. Stop blaming her - there was no need for this person to do what they did.

You seem to be having difficulty reading where I have said repeatedly that it was not ok for the person to pick the child up.

Being distracted is normal, yes. That doesn't mean that it's a get-out-of-jail-free card. When I take 27 other-people's small children out for a walk in the dark tomorrow will it be ok if I am distracted and one or two of them get run over. Of course not. It will be my fault for allowing myself to be distracted to the point where I put someone else in danger. The same applies to the OP

Hard truths hurt but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be pointed out.

dontmakemeshushyou

Makes a good point, actually.

No, the shop assistant should NOT have picked up the baby. But thank god it was only the shop assistant. It’s terrifying to imagine who else might have been able to grab the baby/how did that situation arise where it happened unnoticed?

That doesn't mean that it's a get-out-of-jail-free card. When I take 27 other-people's small children out for a walk in the dark tomorrow will it be ok if I am distracted and one or two of them get run over. Of course not. It will be my fault for allowing myself to be distracted to the point where I put someone else in danger. The same applies to the OP

Perhaps you shouldn’t take 27 children out for a walk in the dark - that’s negligent and silly. The OP strapped her child in and he was right next to her. There is no reason she should have to have her eye on him every second. She intervened to protect him and you are being very silly and rather cruel.

CallmeAngelina says it best:

And this, people, is the sort of society we are becoming - the same society where some complain that there is no community spirit or care any longer. People are terrified of having complaints levelled against them for doing what comes naturally to caring and warm people.

Good luck, OP. You sound as if you could be cultivating a stressy and isolated existence, shutting out the wider circle of people in life who could help you.

Perhaps you shouldn’t take 27 children out for a walk in the dark - that’s negligent and silly.

Oh, please! I'm really not the one being silly here!

Negligent and silly would be to take them out and get so distracted that an easily avoidable accident happens. I won't be doing that. I will be taking them out with the correct adult to child ratio, with informed and signed consent from each of their parents, with the correct equipment, and with a robust risk assessment, and ensuring their safety is my number one focus whatever else I'm doing. Which is an eminently sensible and responsible way to behave.

What on earth did you think I would be doing??

Anyway, it's a pointless discussion and entirely off-topic.

DontMakeMeShushYou

Sounds great. Not sure why it would ever be necessary and I hope you don’t lose any of them. Please stop being so unpleasant to the OP.

Uck! I hated any strangers touching my DS when he was a baby. I find it unsettling. YANBU. You shouldn't have to be the one to say, please don't touch my child, they should have the manners to ask. They put you in a horrible position. Yes, they were trying to be kind, but ended up putting you on edge, which isn't kind. Some people need to know boundaries

i understand where the op is coming from but frankly no harm was done, the shop assistant meant well, over now.

I'm going to go off the point now but have to ask: why on earth are you taking 27 young children out for a walk in the dark, DontMakeMeShushYou? It's a big charge. Do they all have little torches and have to find things?

I'm going to go off the point now but have to ask: why on earth are you taking 27 young children out for a walk in the dark, DontMakeMeShushYou? It's a big charge. Do they all have little torches and have to find things?

It's a Rainbow night hike! We're walking on a trail through the local woods and then having hot chocolate and chips to finish when we get back to the car park. We do a 'hike and chips' every year. They love it! (I'm normally a Brownie leader but I run this activity for the Rainbow leaders).

Maybe my use of the word 'young' was subjective - they seem young compared to my Brownies, and positively tiny compared to my teens, but they're not pre-schoolers in case that was what people were imagining

Last week almost identical situation with me dd kicking off just as we got to the till. An assistant opened up a til for me, dd still howling, and another assistant took my bags and offered to pack. I was very grateful and thought that was so lovely and helpful. Both me (and dd) would have been horrified if one of the assistants had picked her up. I am in no way precious and dd is dc3 and with folk I know im really happy to pass her about. Less happy with strangers and especially if they do not ask! Yanbu they were bu!

This happened to me when DS was really tiny, got to the checkout and he just went mad. The lovely lady on the checkout didn't pick him up, she said to me it's ok you deal with him, we'll sort this out, and called a colleague over who packed my shopping while she scanned it and then pushed it out to the car for me, because everytime I tried to put DS down in his car seat he screamed. I was so grateful. I think they were trying to help but I'm not sure if I'd like it with a small baby either.

It's a Rainbow night hike! We're walking on a trail through the local woods and then having hot chocolate and chips to finish when we get back to the car park. We do a 'hike and chips' every year. They love it! (I'm normally a Brownie leader but I run this activity for the Rainbow leaders).

And that does sound an awful lot of fun, but the level of vigilance you should need to exercise over 27 mobile children walking about in the dark is enormous. Obviously you need to conduct risk assessments and have ratios of staff to children etc. The OP should be able to put her child in a troller right next to her and carry out an everyday household task without keeping her eye on her baby every second. It’s normal. The fault lies only with the crank.