Shop staff took my daughter out of her trolley seat

[mummydoingamasters]

Soooo, first time posting but I need a head wobble I think.
I have a tendency for the dramatics but this really did upset me.
Second time mum, DS2 and DD 12 weeks. We went shopping at a local supermarket and DD hates being moved around (who doesn't).
First off, there were no baby trolleys or car seat trolleys so I had to ask for the shop to let me use the one they were keeping indoors.
Walking round, DD starts to cry, a 'I've been disturbed and I'm going to make you pay for it' cry. A member of staff walking past started to touch her bare hand in an attempt to settle her. This member of staff was wearing work gloves and I don't know what she had been handling whilst wearing those gloves. I pushed the trolley on already embarrassed by the noise DD was making.
We get to the till and the member of staff on the till gets up, walks behind me to the trolley, unbuckles DD and has her up on her shoulder trying go to settle her while I'm unloading my shopping. There is no exchange, no attempt to engage with me if this is even ok just does it. I notice when another member of staff joins her and have to say that I don't like it when strangers pick up/touch/handle my child. She said she was trying to help as I was busy with the shopping and she thought it would help me. My thought process would probably have been to help with the shopping, not the strangers child or is it me that's wrong?!

I get home, tell my DP about it and he goes nuts. I'm usually the one to lose my temper quite quickly when it comes to the DC's but he was really unhappy. Understandably on reflection. I felt really outnumbered and caught off guard which is why I said nothing more than already stated but getting home and replaying it, I really think I down played this?

AIBU to contact the company and complain or am I being a fractious mum who needs to get over herself?

Jeez, she just wanted to HELP. You wait til your offspring are less tiny and cute. Hardly anyone wants to help with a 8 yo autistic boy having a full-on meltdown in a supermarket! (they do though, sometimes)

Where has this 'touch me not' attitude regarding babies come from? It's a UK specific thing, I can tell you that. My dad would probably be locked up if he still lived in the UK - absolutely LOVES chatting babies up and making them smile.

OP, it's your first baby and you've had 12 weeks of this crap. Bloody hard, isn't it? It does get better. I can only imagine how tired you are. Next time someone tries to help, try to let them. And you ARE allowed to stop in a supermarket, get your baby out of her car seat and give her a cuddle, you know. Much nicer than crying the whole time.

I'm imagining a 12 week old being wheeled round the supermarket crying, whilst its mother doesn't want to "pander" to it, and I'm wanting to go and pick it up and comfort it myself.

The woman at the check-out probably had the same response OP. The baby's distress was too much. Because that's what the cries are, distress, not displeasure or hostility towards you "to make you pay".

YABU. She was trying to help. If you any manners you’d have said a simple “Thankyou”
You see this is why I don’t offer anyone assistance. You think you’re doing good and you’re made to feel like a cunt, still No good deed goes unpunished and all that!.
I also think your husband really needs to calm down.
What are going to say to the company. If you do complain.
I wish to make a complaint because one of your staff was helping to settle my baby.
Why are you hell bent on this women losing her job (not that she will as she’s done nothing wrong). I tell you what though. I’m sure it’ll be the last time she does that again.

The thing is though, @Soubriqet.
and I could be wildly wrong here, but
If supermarket staff wanted to entertain kids wouldn’t they have gone into a childcare rather than retail.?

YABU. She was trying to help. If you any manners you’d have said a simple “Thankyou”
You see this is why I don’t offer anyone assistance. You think you’re doing good and you’re made to feel like a cunt, still

She didn't offer, though, did she? That's the whole point! Or do you just go around randomly "helping" people whether they like it or not?

I'm so surprised at all the "they were only trying to help" posts.

I would go nuts if a stranger picked my child up out of their seat without me even seeing, let alone asking me if it was OK. In my world you just do not do that without checking if it's OK for all sorts of reasons including extremes of unknown injuries, allergies or immune system deficiencies but also not least because if the mother turns around and the child isn't where she left her she could get the fright of her life!

Also, frankly, I just may not be the sorry of person they'd feel comfortable trusting to hold the most precious thing in their life and they bloody well deserve a say in whether I do or not!

OP, YANBU and your husband is NBU however good their intentions.

I’d love this kind of help myself, they didn’t have to help you. I don’t think you should complain about them - just say you don’t need any help next time.

She was trying to help. If you don’t want people touching your precious child then SAY SO instead of whinging about it later. And your husband was being a dick, bet he’s the type of nice guy who doesn’t mind being rude to people in low paid service roles anyway.

OP - you do know there has been a solution to your problem this entire time called on-line ordering?

I pushed the trolley on already embarrassed by the noise DD was making.

I’m pretty shocked you didn’t pick up your newborn while she was crying so much. Do you really just keep walking and pushing the trolley without picking her up?!

I can't believe some of these replies. I'd be livid if someone picked my baby up without asking, good intentions or not.

Oh I wouldn't complain. They were just trying to help although I can understand why you felt it was intrusive.

I actually like having help like this despite my son having a heart condition so probably falling into the more delicate baby type you mention. I guess I don't get much help with the children as husband works long hours and family live far away so it reminds me I'm not entirely alone.

i would imagine the staff member thought to herself that poor lady must be so stressed, ill go hold the baby and try to calm her while she gets her groceries sorted, might give the lady a bit of a lift knowing shes not alone and we are not think shut that fucken child up... im sure it was compassion for you over everything else... one day when you are stressed to the limit and ready to burst into tears and just give up, an act like this can give you the boost you need to not lose the plot... be thankful she was caring rather than judgmental

On one hand, it’s outrageous for someone you don’t know to pick up your baby without asking, I’d have thought that’s obvious.

But, sorry, it’s not ok to let your baby cry for 20 minutes round a supermarket. Sometimes children cry and you can’t help that, no, but you need to take steps to not subject your baby to others in such a way (let alone the fact it’s pretty cruel to leave a 12 week old crying). DS was a Velcro baby and cried when put down - so guess what? I used a bloody sling or I didn’t go shopping alone. It’s called consideration for other people, sadly no one seems to have that anymore. Probably why the swimming class I pay good money for had a baby SCREAMING blue murder the whole way through it this week, without the mother trying to comfort. Ruined the lesson for everyone.

And usually the people who let their children cry have 0 interest in comforting them - in supermarkets, on planes or cafes etc. Nevermind everyone else!

Unpopular opinion but 🤷🏻‍♀️

*others to your baby, rather

@mummydoingamasters they were trying to help. When DS was tiny, crying and I was getting flustered a lovely lady in the shop said pick him up and I’ll help you shop. If you didn’t want someone else to hold the baby you could have asked for them to help in a different way.

@crispysausagerolls I agree with you. I don’t understand how people can listen to a baby cry and not want to comfort them. It’s horrible listening to a young child cry.

The staff sound really kind and you sound very over dramatic! Who cares what was on her gloves! There are germs everywhere - the trolley itself will have been filthy! The staff could have just scowled at you instead for having a noisy baby.

I’m with you OP. I hate presumptuous people and picking up YOUR child without a word to you is incredibly presumptuous, even if their intention was to to help (arrogantly!)

If you don’t want people touching your precious child then SAY SO instead of whinging about it later.

What? How’s this meant to work, then? Is every mother who might otherwise assume that a stranger wouldn’t swoop and pick up their baby - because it’s weird - meant to tell everyone she meets not to touch the baby? Don’t be silly. How about people using their common sense? Not my baby = won’t pick it up without permission?

Where has this 'touch me not' attitude regarding babies come from?

It’s always been considered normal in my circles and I am in my late thirties. You don’t grab at or pick up other people’s newborns. Not rocket science.

Genuinely shocked at how this thread has gone.

If the OP had posted that a male supermarket worker had picked up her screaming toddler having a tantrum on the floor without asking, wonder how it’d have gone then.

You do not touch or pick up other people’s children without their consent. Anyone who did that in my circle would be looked at askance or directly challenged, it’s such a weird boundary crossing thing to do!

Unless this is one of those threads where the opening posts kinda set the tone then everyone rushes in to prove how cool and chilled out they are and how much of an anxious unreasonable upright mess the OP is in comparison...

Sounds as if she was trying to help!!! Why question an act of kindness? Many Parents nowadays are so bloody precious and quick to criticise!

Grandmi

Because trying to help doesn’t make it appropriate. If I am standing at a bus stop trying to get my purse out and get my toddler on the bus, and I turn round and some random human has picked up my baby - “to help” - I am going to panic. Anyone with the slightest ability to place themselves in another person’s shoes would know this and not do it. So I am going to assume they are a total lunatic.

You can’t justify any and every behaviour with ‘but they meant well! They were trying to help!’