Shop staff took my daughter out of her trolley seat

[mummydoingamasters]

Soooo, first time posting but I need a head wobble I think.
I have a tendency for the dramatics but this really did upset me.
Second time mum, DS2 and DD 12 weeks. We went shopping at a local supermarket and DD hates being moved around (who doesn't).
First off, there were no baby trolleys or car seat trolleys so I had to ask for the shop to let me use the one they were keeping indoors.
Walking round, DD starts to cry, a 'I've been disturbed and I'm going to make you pay for it' cry. A member of staff walking past started to touch her bare hand in an attempt to settle her. This member of staff was wearing work gloves and I don't know what she had been handling whilst wearing those gloves. I pushed the trolley on already embarrassed by the noise DD was making.
We get to the till and the member of staff on the till gets up, walks behind me to the trolley, unbuckles DD and has her up on her shoulder trying go to settle her while I'm unloading my shopping. There is no exchange, no attempt to engage with me if this is even ok just does it. I notice when another member of staff joins her and have to say that I don't like it when strangers pick up/touch/handle my child. She said she was trying to help as I was busy with the shopping and she thought it would help me. My thought process would probably have been to help with the shopping, not the strangers child or is it me that's wrong?!

I get home, tell my DP about it and he goes nuts. I'm usually the one to lose my temper quite quickly when it comes to the DC's but he was really unhappy. Understandably on reflection. I felt really outnumbered and caught off guard which is why I said nothing more than already stated but getting home and replaying it, I really think I down played this?

AIBU to contact the company and complain or am I being a fractious mum who needs to get over herself?

It is an odd thing to do. I’ve asked an air steward to hold my baby when travelling alone so it’s not as if strangers couldn’t hold her but it is out of the ordinary.

Did it work? Did your baby stop crying haven’t rtft v long, if she kept crying I probably would have instinctively said here I’ll take her.

YANBU!!

I'm sure she just wanted to help but she should have asked, and as others have said, helping you unload the trolley would have been the way to go. I've been behind mums with crying babies at the checkout and have unloaded a trolley/helped bag up - I would never have dreamed of taking the baby (and surely they want mum, a random stranger is going to make things worse)!

After reading all the replies, I'm kind of shocked I guess at some of the responses.

I'm not neglecting my child by letting her cry. I was trying to settle her whilst looking after my DS and push a trolley. I'm a fully functioning adult who can multi task. In the grand scheme of things, I felt in the moment it was better to get done and get home as quickly as possible.

My partner is not abusive, he works full time, he did not over react in my opinion but I know him, so I know that it's hard to portray that on here. He doesn't mistreat or disrespect waiting or service staff either.

I cannot keep stressing this enough, I don't want to complain about her actions, more raise it as a concern for the future. In my opinion she could have all the good intentions in the world, but she could actually harm someone. I am very lucky that my DS and DD are both in good health, no complications etc, but the fact is for me and my partner, this over stepped a boundary. Having worked for social care with families who have varying levels of needs, be them medical or social vulnerabilities, this could have major implications for someone who isn't confident enough to say anything.

I did say something, but I still felt like crap about having to hurt her feelings because she had good intentions. Imagine feeling so crap about asking someone to put down your baby that you get home and cry about it.

Im not young, I'm closer to to 40 than 30 and I consider myself a semi experienced parent with a lot of learning to do as they grow and hit new milestones and learn new things. I'm not daft, but for me this wasn't a case of its takes a village' 'accept all the help you can get' it was a 'my heart hit the floor because for a nanosecond I didn't know where my child was' moment. She was not where I, the parent, left her. I had control, I have been shopping god knows how many times and this was new. I panicked for a split second and that is not right. Parents should not be caused panic by a stranger whether it's their first child or their 21st child.

I respect all your opinions and points, I am aware that people have different views and styles of parenting and that is refreshing to know. I guess I've learnt more about me from this too.

churchandstate...errr no I am definitely not the lunatic !! Anyone showing an act of kindness and empathy towards my predicament would be thanked ! Cannot remember the last time I heard of someone randomly running out of a supermarket with someone else baby!

Cannot remember the last time I heard of someone randomly running out of a supermarket with someone else baby

Me neither, but that may be because most people would smack someone who went to pick up their baby at random! It’s not a normal thing to do.

You do have a touch of the dramatics. In this thread about someone simply trying to help you have thrown in hypothetical immuno problems, violent triggers and allergies.

Fair enough you don’t want anyone touching your baby. But don’t ruin the kindness of strangers for the rest of us who would dearly welcome a bit of help. A quick “thanks but he/she doesn’t like being picked up” would have sufficed.

@marshbradyo nope. Not even a little bit unfortunately

If you take anything from this, it should be that you can't "pander" to a 12 week old baby.

@bumfuzzled yes, I do have a tendency to catastrophise but allergies do run in my family so that's not hypothetical. In the heat of the moment, the worst does run through your mind, and I know that when I sit back and can rationalise about it, I know that there is only the tiniest chance these could happen but it doesn't stop me thinking it. I'm honest enough to say that the worst things did flash through my head but that's because of things that have happened to me. I try not to project those into my children which is why I didn't flip out at her, I said I didn't like people I don't know picking her up and took her back

This happened to me once in Asda. I was so stressed trying to pay for my shopping with a screaming DD. Another worker came over and I can't remember if she picked up DD but she was definitely stroking and soothing and cajoling her. It was so grateful!

I honestly have no idea WTF is wrong with people these days that they see genuine help as interfering and somehow sinister.

She picked her up because you weren't picking her up, you were ignoring her crying. That's the bit you seem to miss.

It's an instinctive reaction to sooth crying babies.

@driechdrizzle 'pander' is the term used by my HV which is why I used it along with her advice. I am of the firm belief that a baby can't have too much attention, but in that moment, I wanted to get the shopping done, get back in the car and get home. I know that she will not be harmed by crying for a few minutes. Yes it's a horrible noise, I appreciate the last thing those staff and other customers wanted to hear was DD crying, but in the grand scheme of things, I just wanted to get everyone home to the warm.
She was cuddled by me and DS as soon as we got home, and the moment she got back in her car seat she was fine, she went straight back to sleep.

@Driechdrizzle I wasn't ignoring her crying, I was trying to comfort her whilst shopping and keeping DS entertained. She would have normally sucked her fingers but as she had a cardigan on that covered her hands she couldn't do that

Mummy you haven’t done anything wrong, you have a tiny baby. It is out of the ordinary for someone to do this. Don’t fret over it, have a little baby cuddle instead (soppy I know but love early stage).

It is instinctive to feel distress from a crying baby, more so if it’s your own, hence being even more stressed if someone is holding her and she’s still crying. It’s not really what people do though, babies cry in the supermarket a lot, staff don’t usually pick them up.

mummydoingamasters

Don’t let anyone try to con you into thinking that your instinctive reaction to protect your baby from an unknown threat is unhealthy. It is literally your job. Your baby has you and only you to protect her from the world (as she is completely helpless). Your fright at turning and seeing she was gone is what keeps her safe.

In my parent's culture this would be a normal thing to do ('takes a village to raise a child mentality'). However I was a bit like you with my firstborn but now I'm just grateful if anyone helps out with my 3 whilst one of them is having a meltdown.

A quick “thanks but he/she doesn’t like being picked up” would have sufficed.

Bit late once the baby has already been picked up though.

I can't believe the amount of people who think it's normal for a stranger to cause shock and anger in a parent who turns to find that her very small baby is not where she left it safe, and is instead being held by somebody random. But it's not OK for the parent to be upset by this?!

@MarshaBradyo thank you. Don't get me wrong, when either of them cry/act out/tantrum my shoulders come up to my ears and I want to abandon whatever I'm doing and comfort them. It was just so crap that in this instance I needed to do the shopping.

@churchandstate that's exactly it. It was instinctual 'pulse in my ears' fear and I've never had that since being a parent. It was new and scary.

@Sotiredbutcannotsleep I get that different cultures do things differently and I think in different circumstances I'd have been grateful. My network is small and I would have been great evil of her help had been directed at getting me out quicker that's all. People have pulled faces at my DS when he's grouchy and I've done the same. I've offered help and been accepted and declined, but I've never taken a baby from where it's been put by the parent.

@lotsofoysters exactly! Some of these responses have had me thinking I'm barmy for being scared. If I could screen shot the messages between me and DP after it happened I would (we message about more than one thing so I don't want all our business on here) but he basically had to convince me not to feel guilty for upsetting the staff member. I was more concerned with her feelings than my own!

that's exactly it. It was instinctual 'pulse in my ears' fear and I've never had that since being a parent. It was new and scary.

Interesting. Because when I said yesterday that this was what was driving your desire to kick back and complain, you didn't want to hear it.

To reiterate, it was inappropriate for the staff member to pick up your child. It scared you. Not because your child was in danger this time, but because you realised how easily your child could have been in danger.

@DontMakeMeShushYou you actually said I was cross with myself. I wasn't. I had control of my situation. I've done this numerous times and never had an issue with someone removing my child from where I put them. Someone else's actions scared me. Not mine.

They sound lovely and helpful trying to help a struggling mum
Hats off to them (and honestly stop stressing ). You are over anxious as most new mums are. But gratefully accept help , most have been in your position and they just want to help you

Mountains and molehills spring to mind

Yanbu! Shes a shop assistant not a friend or a child minder. If she wanted to help she should of helped with your shopping not the baby!

I would be livid.

I hate that people do what they want regarding babies!

you actually said I was cross with myself.

Yes, I did, and I stand by that. The staff member's actions scared you because, for a few seconds, you didn't have control of your situation. The fear you felt is not because they didn't ask, but because you didn't notice. That split-second "Shit, I wasn't paying attention and my baby's been taken" fear. It's natural to want to blame someone for scaring you but you need to recognise the part that you played in this.