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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She should have let me have it surely?

518 replies

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 04/11/2019 22:42

In charity shop today with a GOOD friend (friend went in before me as I needed to go to another shop). When I got back 2 mins later she’d found a gorgeous coat, lovely colour, in great condition, my size not hers.

I said how lovely it was but was it the right size for her? She said she liked it anyway, fair enough, kind-of. After we left, I repeated that I thought it was lovely and if she changed her mind and didn’t want it after all I’d buy it from her. She still said she wanted to keep it.

Greedy cow has only gone and listed it on eBay!!! It’ll probably sell for much more than she paid for it. She doesn’t particularly need the money. I have a young DC and not currently working. There’s no way I could afford a coat like that at the moment at full-price, let alone whatever price she gets for it on eBay.

She’s been a good friend for a long time and we’ve been through a lot but I honestly think that was so unkind. Am so upset with her.

What do we think Mumsnet? Aibu?

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 05/11/2019 05:15

To be fair, there still are charity shops which see part of their goal as providing affordable items to people who need them. Personally I think people who go there to buy essential items at low and flog them on are not acting well, and I think the friend was really hard-faced to do that to the OP.

PhilCornwall1 · 05/11/2019 05:17

I'm all for making a bit extra, nothing wrong in that. Something just doesn't sit right with me though about buying from a charity shop to then profit out of it.

NoSauce · 05/11/2019 05:19

I know she buys stuff to sell on so wondered if that was her plan

So why the outrage?

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/11/2019 05:20

It sounds as if the two of you have different mindsets. You gave her an oilcloth table cloth - not inexpensive - and when she had the opportunity to be kind, she didn’t reciprocate. I understand she has not obligation to do this. I would be upset too.

Your choice to continue or end the friendship. One thing for sure, I wouldn’t go to any more charity shops and telling her why - using the oil cloth as an example of friends being kind to one another. But before you decide any radical steps, just take some time to consider if she is kind to you in other ways because if this her one downfall, then you’ll have cut your nose off to spite your face.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 05/11/2019 05:21

I don't know, OP. I think YABU.

If I was your friend, I'd just give it to you, but equally she saw it, wanted it and bought it. I don't know why you think you should get right of refusal? She had a reason to buy it- she's trying to make a profit.

It's not the only coat in the world. She hasn't condemned you to a coat-less winter. You can go hunting and buy a different charity shop coat.

If my hobby was charity shopping and eBaying (its not) I'd be annoyed at a friend coming along and trying to guilt me into giving them some of the gems I'd found. I don't think she is obligated to ensure that all her friends are clothed to their taste before she goes about her hobby of charity store hunting & reselling.

Let it go. If you want a charity shop coat then get hunting for one of your own.

Goldenchildsmum · 05/11/2019 05:27

She's done the exact same thing twice before and yet you're surprised?

alittlebitdemented · 05/11/2019 05:31

@AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys You said it's always her that asks you to go along. I suspect she goes to charity shops looking for things to buy for resale so she probably sees that she has the right to anything she finds.

I can understand her thinking. Nonetheless, the morals of buying something from a charity shop to sell on for her own profit are questionable. I think you have to forget about the coat but also the friendship. I'm unsure you can be friends with someone whose morals you don't agree with. If it was me, I'd find it incredibly offputting. Definitely puts her in CF territoty.

Bifflepants · 05/11/2019 05:32

This is bad charity shop etiquette and I would find another pal to go chazzering with in future.

PhilCornwall1 · 05/11/2019 05:34

@Bifflepants

chazzering - now there is a word!! Smile

Bifflepants · 05/11/2019 05:36

Off my favourite facebook group - Charity Shop Shit.

Starlight456 · 05/11/2019 05:54

She obviously does need the money else why sell on eBay?
It’s a hassle.

Would I give it my friend probably , however I think bayou are shopping with 2 different agendas so maybe not good shopping partners

MesmorisedByTheLights · 05/11/2019 05:59

siacolouredthesmallone, some details might be changed. It may not be a coat, may not be a tablecloth, the mother may have another illness instead... at least I hope so, or the friend may find herself outed on here and in the DM!

Jellybeansincognito · 05/11/2019 06:03

I’m assuming that was her plan all along?
I cannot stand greed so I’d have to end the friendship on that reason alone.

pippitysqueakity · 05/11/2019 06:09

Many moons ago, my friend and I found a lovely dress in a jumble sale. We both liked it, so bought it between us for 10p each, and took it in turns to wear it for the next year or so. We were different sizes, but one could wear it with a belt and one without. Not applicable to OP’s situation of course but brought back a happy memory.

TeddybearBaby · 05/11/2019 06:31

It would change the way I looked at her too. It depends on what you’re looking for in a friend I guess. Yes it is her coat and you have no right to it BUT in the scenario you have just set it would be a tussle with my friends, 100% ‘you have the coat’ ‘no, you!!‘ ‘I was only putting it on eBay anyway! Go on have it’

That’s what I’d want / need in a friend personally. Perhaps you’re looking for different things in this relationship. Wouldn’t be for me.

Bahhhhhumbug · 05/11/2019 06:48

Evilspiritgin

I can’t imagine ever ever following a friend around shopping say i will have that, I honestly couldn’t be so cheeky fuckery or uncouth

^^ this. You are the entitled selfish one OP. I have a relative like this, so annoying, everytime we decorate asking if our furniture is being changed as she will 'take it off our hands' etc etc.
Life owes her a living. I'm a very generous person and give lots of stuff to charities, neighbours, relatives and donate to local causes but never when someone hints or tries emotionally blackmail me.

CatteStreet · 05/11/2019 06:54

Her prerogative to buy the coat and (notwithstanding the impression of her ethics it gives) sell it on. Your prerogative to decide those actions are not something you feel comfortable with in a friend of yours.

Dontdisturbmenow · 05/11/2019 06:54

Maybe she thought you do the same. You are clearly on eBay yourself looking at stuff, so if you sell stuff too, it might not be unrealistic to think you'd do the same if indeed she found a gem that will fetch a lot more than it was listed for.

She was there first, she saw it, that's how it goes.

PurpleFlower1983 · 05/11/2019 06:57

What a mean woman, she’s not a true friend!

hazell42 · 05/11/2019 07:01

How do you know her financial.sitiation?
There is not one person in the world that knows mine, not even my kids. I sure as shit dont tell my friends about my money situation. If i do talk about money at all, which is rare, I usually lie, because it's none of their damned business. Not always the same lie either.
You were in a charity shop. She bought a second hand coat from which she will make a few quid.
Hardly worth getting worked up about.
there will be another day and another charity shop.
Next time though, go by yourself

KatherineJaneway · 05/11/2019 07:04

Did you actually tell her you loved the coat and wanted it?

I know she buys stuff to sell on so wondered if that was her plan.

So hinting it won't fit her is irrelevant then, isn't it?

Chloe84 · 05/11/2019 07:08

@OMGshefoundmeout

You can guess what happened , selfish friend won the raffle and chose the heated rollers. I was standing with her at the time and said something like “X will be so thrilled, you know how much she wanted them’ and she gave me a very off look and said ‘ I won these, they are for ME’ despite saying earlier she didn’t want any of the prizes

It was not your place to give away tye prize to her friend. If i was yur 'selfish friend', I would have been annoyed by your high handedness.

However, very nice of you to give the other fried your rollers.

OMGshefoundmeout · 05/11/2019 07:13

@Chloe84. You are quite right.
I didn’t say anything to her at the time and afterwards I felt guilty for just assuming she’d chosen them for our mate. I thought maybe she’d had a change of heart and decided she wanted them for herself and that was absolutely fair enough but the fact that a year later she hadn’t even opened them showed that it wasn’t so much that she wanted them but more that she didn’t want anyone else to have them. As I said she has form for this sort of behaviour but she is so lovely in nearly very other way that it has almost passed being annoying and become a (nearly) endearing quirk.

Chloe84 · 05/11/2019 07:15

My initial reaction was that I'd have probably let you buy the coat, but seeing the way you've slammed her so publicly and identifiably on this forum, I think she'd be much better with you out of her life hmm

@siacolouredthesmallone do calm down, OP hasn't slammed her 'publically and identifiably', she hasn't put her name or picture on here for FFS! You are being quite horrible.

Chloe84 · 05/11/2019 07:17

@OMGshefoundmeout Yes, I agree the offering to sell them to her a year later was really bad behaviour.

So she actually chose the rollers as the prize? That does seem a bit calculated.