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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She should have let me have it surely?

518 replies

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 04/11/2019 22:42

In charity shop today with a GOOD friend (friend went in before me as I needed to go to another shop). When I got back 2 mins later she’d found a gorgeous coat, lovely colour, in great condition, my size not hers.

I said how lovely it was but was it the right size for her? She said she liked it anyway, fair enough, kind-of. After we left, I repeated that I thought it was lovely and if she changed her mind and didn’t want it after all I’d buy it from her. She still said she wanted to keep it.

Greedy cow has only gone and listed it on eBay!!! It’ll probably sell for much more than she paid for it. She doesn’t particularly need the money. I have a young DC and not currently working. There’s no way I could afford a coat like that at the moment at full-price, let alone whatever price she gets for it on eBay.

She’s been a good friend for a long time and we’ve been through a lot but I honestly think that was so unkind. Am so upset with her.

What do we think Mumsnet? Aibu?

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 04/11/2019 22:56

Really mean. I'd be avoiding her from now on.

sableandI · 04/11/2019 23:03

Surely it's not worth breaking a friendship over? She should have let you have it but she thought of the money she could make. It is what it is. You can't just break a friendship over a coat.

Original poster
AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 04/11/2019 23:06

Thanks everyone...Reading all these responses has just makes me feel so gutted that this has happened and who I thought was a good friend has done this.

It’s only a bloody coat but it seems so much more.

She did something else not long ago which I thought was incredibly selfish and money motivated at the expense of someone else’s wellbeing but I let it go as it didn’t directly affect me - I should have realised then.

OP posts:
AwkwardFucker · 04/11/2019 23:07

If my best friend did that I would honestly assume she was very hard up and needed the money and didn’t want me to know.

Is she usually a kind and generous person? If yes, (and you said good friend, so she must have some redeeming qualities) then I would let it go.

If she’s usually so mean, why do you want to continue the friendship anyway?

Popc0rn · 04/11/2019 23:09

"I said how lovely it was but was it the right size for her? She said she liked it anyway, fair enough, kind-of."

Were you saying it would be too big or too small? If too small then I kinda get why she might have thought f* you and put in on ebay tbh.

ViciousJackdaw · 04/11/2019 23:13

She's obviously bought it to sell on but did not want to admit that as some people feel that buying things from the CS purely to sell on Ebay is immoral.

However, if you remove the CS aspect from this, it's just business. Would you still be calling her 'greedy' if it was a coat you didn't want? As for She doesn’t particularly need the money ,well that's completely irrelevant and regarding I have a young DC was this not a choice you made?

However, you know there are bargains to be had and there is nothing stopping you from checking out these shops on your own.

MesmorisedByTheLights · 04/11/2019 23:13

It is ethically dubious to buy cheap things from charity shops and immediately sell them on and keep the money. Firstly, it is cheating somebody who may really need the low costing items, and secondly it is cheating the charity. IMO anyway.

That's before we get to the issue of you asking her to let you buy the coat. What a cow.

Lindy2 · 04/11/2019 23:15

It sounds like she bought it with the plan to sell it on. Perhaps she is a regular ebay trader.

I'm clearly going against the grain here but she found and bought the coat. Why do you think it should actually belong to you? I don't think she should feel obliged to hand over her good bargain to you just because you like it too. You could have gone into that shop too at the same time if you wanted.

DBML · 04/11/2019 23:16

I don’t think your friend is being mean. She saw a bargain and thought she’d make a few quid. You say she doesn’t need the money, how sure are you of that? Plenty of people come across a lot wealthier than they are.

Also, you mentioned at least two to three occasions where you’ve offered to have something of hers. There’s a lady in work who does this to me... “oh when you’ve finished with that, I’ll have it”, or “are you still using your ———? I could buy that from you”, knowing full well I wouldn’t want to take her money. It’s a piss off. Perhaps she’ll write a thread saying ‘I got this friend who keeps trying to get me to give/sell her my stuff’.

Sorry op, I’m sure you felt put out, but I think yabu.

CalleighDoodle · 04/11/2019 23:22

She saw it first. She bought it. She paid the charity Shop what they wanted for it. She put it on ebay.

You saw her with it and wanted it, and now want to end the friendship because she didnt give it to you? Wtf!?

Original poster
AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 04/11/2019 23:26

Eh DBML? When did I mention in 2 or 3 occasions that I’d offered to have something of hers?

In fact, not long ago I gave her my old (in good condition) oilcloth tablecloth because I didn’t need it anymore and knew she liked it

OP posts:
LifeImplosionImminent · 04/11/2019 23:27

Oooh this is is a tricky one, on the one hand it's a crap friend who knows the other wants something but sells it on ebay so doesn't want it herself (esp if they are not desperate for the cash)

But on the other, she found it first, she bought it so she can do what she likes with it. Being poorer doesn't automatically give you dibs on any bargains. And as someone said earlier on, suggesting it doesn't fit is a great way of pissing her off.

Keep searching the shops, you will find another coat you like I'm sure.

Loveislandaddict · 04/11/2019 23:28

Mixed views on this.

I think you were slightly wrong to repeatedly hint you wanted the coat. Maybe once in the shop before she had paid for it, but after that, no. You may have put her in an awkward situation.

I’m sure she’s not the only person who buys things from charity shops and puts thems on eBay.

Maybe it would have been nice to offer you the coat first, but she didn’t have too.

How do you know she doesn’t need the money? I’ve sold a few things recently on eBay. A few quid here and there mounts up, and all helps towards Christmas.

Loveislandaddict · 04/11/2019 23:28

In the second paragraph you mentioned twice you wanted the coat.

Supersimkin2 · 04/11/2019 23:30

Don't go shopping with someone who's more an ebay dealer than a friend - she's depressing.

BTW, how often do you ask her for her stuff?

DontCallMeShitley · 04/11/2019 23:30

If you wanted to, you could check whether she is a business seller or private. Business sellers are people who buy to sell on and if not registered as such are breaking Ebay rules...

Ebay consider people who buy to sell on as not private sellers so should be registered correctly, and all the crap that goes with it.

What size is the coat?

Snoopdogsbitch · 04/11/2019 23:33

She's no friend, OP, I'll bet she has eyes like a dead fish.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/11/2019 23:33

I appreciate that it's annoying for you, but she saw it first and bought it. So it's her coat. If she buys things to sell on, that's a business for her, and you whining for the coat that she bought, because she saw it and wanted it and had a use for it, is a bit like you deciding that because your friend eg makes cakes in her spare time or sells kitchenware or whatever, that she is obliged to give you the things she sells if you want them, because 'friends'.

Notodontidae · 04/11/2019 23:34

Sounds like she's in business, that is exactly how business friends treat each other. Best friends look out for each other, regardless of making a profit, and if she has done it to you before, you would be well advised to not go into a charity shop with her. You dont need to end the friendship, just know that she is shallow, and puts profit first. God helps those who help themselves I think it's called.

Original poster
AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 04/11/2019 23:37

Agree, it’s prob not worth ending the friendship over but I don’t think it’ll ever be the same.

There’ve been a few red flags lately connected with the care of her elderly MIL who has dementia and the property that she owns that have seriously made me question her morals. Today’s events only confirm this.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 04/11/2019 23:40

You might think that she's not a good friend to you, but are you sure you're a good friend to her? You're the one expecting her to hand her belongings over to you, and now you haven't got your own way, you're deciding she must be defrauding her MiL as well. Does she, as the Irish would put it, steal blind men's fiddles, too?

Bluerussian · 04/11/2019 23:40

I can see it from your point of view, Aaaargh but ebayers do buy goods from charity shops and sell them on ebay for a profit. It is some people's only income, they can do a lot work from home and no fixed hours so they can be with their children.

Please try not to think about it any more. Your friend probably bought the coat to sell but didn't want to go into details about that with you, she may not even have taken it in that you said you would buy it from her. She hasn't done anything wrong, have a look around some charity shops and you might find another coat quite like it. I hope you do.

Bowerbird5 · 04/11/2019 23:42

I'm not surprised you're upset. My best friend would never do that. I think I would make myself unavailable next time she asks.

Original poster
AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 04/11/2019 23:43

Just to be clear I am not in the habit of asking other people for their stuff

OP posts:
TiceCream · 04/11/2019 23:45

Technically she saw it first, bought it and can resell it if she wants. Morally it’s mean to not let a friend have it if she doesn’t want it herself. I’d understand if it was worth a fortune but I expect we’re talking about £10-20 here?