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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She should have let me have it surely?

518 replies

AaaaaaarghhhWhereAreMyKeys · 04/11/2019 22:42

In charity shop today with a GOOD friend (friend went in before me as I needed to go to another shop). When I got back 2 mins later she’d found a gorgeous coat, lovely colour, in great condition, my size not hers.

I said how lovely it was but was it the right size for her? She said she liked it anyway, fair enough, kind-of. After we left, I repeated that I thought it was lovely and if she changed her mind and didn’t want it after all I’d buy it from her. She still said she wanted to keep it.

Greedy cow has only gone and listed it on eBay!!! It’ll probably sell for much more than she paid for it. She doesn’t particularly need the money. I have a young DC and not currently working. There’s no way I could afford a coat like that at the moment at full-price, let alone whatever price she gets for it on eBay.

She’s been a good friend for a long time and we’ve been through a lot but I honestly think that was so unkind. Am so upset with her.

What do we think Mumsnet? Aibu?

OP posts:
Boysey45 · 05/11/2019 07:18

Not very nice behaviour but you never really know someone's true circumstances. She might be heavily in debt or really struggling etc.
I've known "friends" not to help people who were badly injured or having other medical emergencies because it put them out slightly.Or spiking their drinks with drugs, so that they can laugh when they end up in hospital .So this hardly registers with me as being very bad.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/11/2019 07:20

I can’t see what she’s done wrong either. She bought a coat, the charity shop benefitted and now she’s making a little extra money on eBay. Lots of people do it. Your finances and work status are your issue, not hers.

C8H10N4O2 · 05/11/2019 07:21

If the friend buys and sells for an income stream then you would effectively be asking her to sacrifice her income to save yours.

burnoutbabe · 05/11/2019 07:22

If I'd agree ms to go shopping and had said I was looking for a new coat in the charity shops then I'd be miffed if the person I was with picked nice coats and insisted she had them before I got into any shop. Just doesn't seem very friendly.
But I assume she also hadn't said "cone with me, I am stocking up on more items to sell" and she only bought one item to sell on in the entire trip? Which doesn't seem very business like.

Alltheprettyseahorses · 05/11/2019 07:24

I really don't understand hat your problem is. She was there first, she found the coat, she wanted it, she'd decided to buy it before you arrived. You were too late. Would you follow people round the supermarket asking if you saw a yellow sticker bargain in their trolley that you fancied?

Chloe84 · 05/11/2019 07:26

OP, sounds like you need to go 'chazzering' (great word @Bifflepants) in those shops before she does.

Sagradafamiliar · 05/11/2019 07:27

I think it's 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other.
You apparently have seen her actions impact someone else, but let it slide as it didn't affect you, and have hinted she's pulling a fast one on her MIL with dementia, which is disgusting, but again, doesn't concern you. And yet when she got to a coat you liked first in a charity shop, NOW you're peed off and are thinking that you should've had it because you have a young child/it wouldn't fit her/other nonsense.
Both a bit dubious so I can see why you're friends.

Ragwort · 05/11/2019 07:28

I think she was unkind,
if she was genuinely hard up and needed to make money why couldn’t she say ‘I’m going to buy it and sell it on eBay’and be honest about it?

My friend and I spend a lot of time charity shopping, we are both the same size and have similar taste so we are usually ‘you have it’, ‘no, you have it’ over our finds ... and when we have worn the garment a few times we just give it to the other, no question of ‘payment’, surely that’s what good friends do.

And to the question of selling on from charity shops, it’s perfectly reasonable, I manage a charity shop and we know customers will buy from us and sell on, so long as we are happy with the price we get that’s fine. We also sell online and we know that you can can get far more online than in the shop so it works in our favour too.

BuildBuildings · 05/11/2019 07:31

It is her coat and she can do what she wants with it. But I wouldn't dream of doing that to a good friend. Especially if they couldn't afford a nice coat new. It's just not what friends do. Is she normally this unpleasant?!

dudsville · 05/11/2019 07:32

She charity shops to sell on Ebay. You know this. I think she could have been clearer with you perhaps but maybe it made her feel awkward to know that she found something she could turn a profit on that you wanted. Maybe just don't go charity shopping with her in future so you don't get excited about something she found first?

Ash39 · 05/11/2019 07:34

I'm
Sorry. I don't get the uproar. It was her coat. Her coat to do as she pleases with it. You have no right to it.
You have no right to be annoyed that she didn't hand it over to you.
There will be another coat along in a few days. Keep hunting

Salene · 05/11/2019 07:35

Extremely mean and I would tell her so.

OtraCosaMariposa · 05/11/2019 07:38

It is ethically dubious to buy cheap things from charity shops and immediately sell them on and keep the money.

I am a charity shop volunteer and I don't have a problem with it, tbh. When we price stuff we decide what we want to get for an item. If we've priced an item at a tenner say, it doesn't matter to us whether someone is buying an item to use themselves or sell on. We've got our tenner either way.

Listing on Ebay or other sites takes time - someone to photograph it, write the description, deal with questions, watch the auction, package it, take it to the post office, deal with returns. It's a pain in the arse and not time well spent. Our time as volunteers is better spent getting that tenner and spending the rest of the time processing more stock for the shop.

However the OP's friend has behaved appallingly towards her. Very selfish to buy a coat which didn't fit when the OP had said she wanted it.

sniffingthewax · 05/11/2019 07:39

OP do you have form for wanting other people's things? I had a friend who had chazzer envy, anything you bought from the charity shop she really wanted it and felt entitled to it. Because she was a single mother and other people were in relationships that obviously meant she should have priority.

She doesn't particularly need the money

If she is going through the hassle of selling on ebay then the money must be useful to her.

verticality · 05/11/2019 07:52

That is totally classless and grabby. A good friend would have been happy that you'd found a coat you liked. People are so selfish.

Sootyandsweep2019 · 05/11/2019 07:55

I think you're being very unreasonable. She clearly brought it with a view to sale it on ebay at a profit, and that it's a stupid thing to end a friendship over.

Gardai · 05/11/2019 07:58

I want to see this glorious coat OP please.
You can just post a pic without eBay details.

NewName73 · 05/11/2019 08:07

Is she paying tax on the money she makes from eBay?

Because if you are buying stuff to sell on , that's classed as a business.

You might want to ask her that...

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 05/11/2019 08:09

Buying from charity shops to sell on....jesus wept how low can you get?

mummmy2017 · 05/11/2019 08:10

If someone see something and buys it, then what they do with it is up to them.
I wonder how many times you got there first, but have no idea you did because your friend never said a word.

PulpPixie · 05/11/2019 08:11

I think it’s you who’s being a CF. Just because you can’t afford it, doesn’t mean she has to give you it. You put her in an awkward position most likely. I’d be avoiding you if I were her tbh

CorBlimeyGovenor · 05/11/2019 08:12

I would bid on it. You might actually get it for a bargain price. Or you could just not pay or withdraw your bid at the 11th hour. I would have a bit of fun whilst making a point.

BoomyBooms · 05/11/2019 08:18

Sorry OP but I think YABU. I'm surprised so many people think this is bad of youR friend- I don't think she's done anything wrong and would be very odd to end a friendship over this. She got to the coat first, she bought it, she can do what she wants with it!

If she'd grabbed it out of your hands, promised it to you, or you'd said to her specifically "I really need a new coat and I'd like to find one in the charity shops" then it would be different.

DistanceCall · 05/11/2019 08:20

That's really shitty.

I don't think I could be friends with someone who (a) buys clothes from charity shops to resell at a much higher price on eBay in good conscience, (b) is mean enough to refuse it to a friend whom the coat actually fits. That's petty and mean, and I can't abide pettiness and meanness.

NailsNeedDoing · 05/11/2019 08:22

I don't think she did anything wrong. She went into a charity shop on the look out for bargains that she could make some money out of, found one, then you came in a few minutes later, say you want it and now you're pissed off with her for not immediately handing it over.

It's you being cheeky here, not her.

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