Help please - difficult issue around child access and terminal illness

[Unhappytraveler]

Hoping someone might be able to help with the following...not really a AIBU but have posted for traffic:

I'm going to have to be slightly vague about the info as it is a very sad and sensitive situation but the crux of it is that someone close to me (let's call them A) has in the last few days been given a terminal cancer diagnosis. 3-6 months was suggested but they aren't doing too well and sadly we think it might be a lot less than that. There is no possibility of a cure and they have chosen not to have any treatment which might give them a few more months but cause more pain etc.

A has a grandchild who they haven't seen for several years due to the fact that As child B ( the non resident parent/ NRP) was under criminal investigation - the offence did not relate to the child but the child's (resident) parent said they would no longer agree to visitation or contact with nrp or their family, including A. Prior to that B had 40/60 access.

B decided (and this isn't intended to be a debate about rights and wrongs of that decision) to step away temporarily a couple of years ago rather than fight for contact but with every intention of re establishing contact in the near future...obviously the current unexpected situation now means that there is some urgency to do so for As sake.

At the time B was told they could go to court or that social services would be prepared to try and mediate to facilitate contact. SS advised that from a child protection perspective they had no concerns over access.

So what I'm trying to help the family with is what's the quickest way to achieve some contact with the child for A whilst they are still with us. Clearly B could apply to court but I'm anticipating that's a process that could take a while especially if the other parent refuses to engage ( which is a possibility) and time is not on As side.

Is there any way social services could assist? Given that previously the family were advised they might (but 2 or so years on and with the current traumatic situation no one can remember who to contact)

Can someone talk to the resident parent and see what she thinks? How did she get on with A?

It’s also worth thinking about who this contact will benefit. Bluntly, if it’s a young child and I was it’s mother, I would probably resist reestablishing a relationship which has no future.

What would a child, who hasn't seen their GP for several years so is very much a stranger, get out of seeing that GP for a short period while they are terminally ill?

I think if I were involved in this, I would advise B to focus on his father for the next months, then think about reestablishing contact with his child later.

It's a very sad situation, however would that be in the child's best interest ?

To introduce a bond with a grandparent they have not been seeing for them to then die within a few months.

I'm not sure exactly how I feel about that. I have sympathy though. It might be fairer for the I'll person to spend time focused on the family around them rather than fight with sons ex right now too

Child is 11/12 so I think old enough they should be made aware/ have a chance to decide.

Resident parents relationship with Bs family was ok previously, there isn't really anyone who could act as an intermediary, I don't know the resident parent and A and B have a very small family all of whom are pretty devastated by this horrific diagnosis.

I should add this is the only grandchild of the family, and grandchild was very close to A previously.

I'm not sure how much help ss would be.......I know someone whose own mother has stopped all contact between her and her DD for months (( the girls mum was given custody of her DD years previously when she was wrongly diagnosed as having bipolar disorder which they now know the erratic behaviour etc is being caused by the tumour that is killing her )) she's having to fight for access and is spending a lot of her benefit money on solicitors fees to see her own child. So I'd be amazed if much can be done when a child isn't directly related........I'd contact the child's mother and hope common, human kindness wins out

I think the child should be protected in this and should not be contacted.

B the nrp who is only now trying to establish contact due to their fathers death, well it is very sad but also very twisted to bring the child into it. The motivation is all wrong.

I would think it would be
Very distressing for the child and totally inappropriate.

B should not be driving this.

Also A very much wants to see grandchild and B/ rest of family want to try and make that happen as quickly as possible.

I was hoping someone could advise how we can best expedite it not whether it's a good idea or not.

I don't think it's fair to put a child in this position. The GP will be a stranger to them, and I think it's too much to put on a child suggesting that they should spend time with them because they are dying.

atalune this is not being driven by B. A has asked to see it at least contact child. B wants to make their parent happy in their remaining weeks. A is still very much alive at present but we don't know for how long hence why this is urgent.

I guess “people” who are not emotionally or otherwise involved are telling you that what you’re trying to achieve is wrong.

Why can’t you or B speak to the mother of A? And if none of yourselves can, perhaps ponder on that.

SS work in the interests of the child and reestablishig contact for this reason is not in the interests of the child.

This really isnt in the childs best interest. They havent had a relationship in "several years" and contact ended traumatically. You really want to pile further trauma into their life??? plus the drama that trying to get the contact will involve. You're actually thinking solely of the Grandparent involved not the child.

If it wasn't for a few key details, id wonder if you know my ex.... nothing could be worse for my DC's mental and physical wellbeing than the ex's family getting in contact. Except perhaps the scenario you're suggesting.

Quite horrific

OK- if the child is12, then they should probably be given the option of meeting the GP. But it should be entirely up to the child. The GPs wishes shouldn’t come into it.

It seems quite obvious that the easiest and most immediate way to make this happen (if it's going to happen) is for someone - a family member or close family friend - to contact the child's parent, explain the situation and ask if they'd consider agreeing to some contact.

If the answer is no then - sorry to be blunt - I'd imagine fighting the parent for access will take longer than A has left.

I can't see that it would be in the child's best interests to have contact with their terminally ill grandparent.

At best it may be confusing for the child to have a grandparent introduced to them at this late stage and, at worst, it may be distressing for them to meet with someone who could be in pain, or not looking their best, and for that person to die within a short time of the meeting.

I would be encouraging A to write a letter to their grandchild, including anecdotes of their life as a child and their wishes for their grandchild's future, to be given to the grandchild when s/he becomes 18.

I doubt SS would do anything at all, as this would absolutely not be in the best interests of the child

They're not a stranger - A was a regular presence in the child's life until 2 years ago and since then has continued to send gifts (although it is unknown whether they have been passed to child by RP). Child was 9-10 then and is 11-12 now. If they were under 5 I can see how they might have forgotten grandparent but not at the age they are.

Also doesn't the child have a right to know? I can remember being 11...I would have wanted to know if my grandparent was very ill and it might be my last chance to see them.

The child is the one that matters in this situation and tbh i think its unfair on them for several reasons. Has a got recent photos of the grandchild

I can understand your desire to help A see the grandchild but you also need to look at this from the child's perspective. How long is it since they had any contact?

It isn't right or fair for this grandchild to be reintroduced to their parent and grandparent because of the grandparent's terminal diagnosis. It's sad, yes, but this catalyst and situation would be detrimental to the child in question. I doubt SS will assist in rushing through contact because of these reasons, it's not right and has to be done in a calm, ordered manner which benefits the child.

This is a really sad situation but, the child's needs must come first. I don't think it's fair for them to be thrust into this situation tbh.

But, if I was going to try and arrange a meeting I would first of all contact the resident parent personally.

The Child should definitely be given the choice at 12.

The only way this is going to happen is by someone contacting the child's mother directly and it being her decision.