Help please - difficult issue around child access and terminal illness

[Unhappytraveler]

Hoping someone might be able to help with the following...not really a AIBU but have posted for traffic:

I'm going to have to be slightly vague about the info as it is a very sad and sensitive situation but the crux of it is that someone close to me (let's call them A) has in the last few days been given a terminal cancer diagnosis. 3-6 months was suggested but they aren't doing too well and sadly we think it might be a lot less than that. There is no possibility of a cure and they have chosen not to have any treatment which might give them a few more months but cause more pain etc.

A has a grandchild who they haven't seen for several years due to the fact that As child B ( the non resident parent/ NRP) was under criminal investigation - the offence did not relate to the child but the child's (resident) parent said they would no longer agree to visitation or contact with nrp or their family, including A. Prior to that B had 40/60 access.

B decided (and this isn't intended to be a debate about rights and wrongs of that decision) to step away temporarily a couple of years ago rather than fight for contact but with every intention of re establishing contact in the near future...obviously the current unexpected situation now means that there is some urgency to do so for As sake.

At the time B was told they could go to court or that social services would be prepared to try and mediate to facilitate contact. SS advised that from a child protection perspective they had no concerns over access.

So what I'm trying to help the family with is what's the quickest way to achieve some contact with the child for A whilst they are still with us. Clearly B could apply to court but I'm anticipating that's a process that could take a while especially if the other parent refuses to engage ( which is a possibility) and time is not on As side.

Is there any way social services could assist? Given that previously the family were advised they might (but 2 or so years on and with the current traumatic situation no one can remember who to contact)

A letter has been sent to RP. The information we have received is that RP will do nothing, not even mention to child, absent a court order.

I'm sure lawyer has no reason to give a dying person and their grieving family false hope. Perhaps our local courts are more efficient than in other areas? We'll have to wait and see.

A letter has been sent to RP. The information we have received is that RP will do nothing, not even mention to child, absent a court order.

Received from where?

I'm sure lawyer has no reason to give a dying person and their grieving family false hope. Perhaps our local courts are more efficient than in other areas? We'll have to wait and see

Why was it free?

Received from a person known to the family who RP has been in contact with.

Legal services were offered without charge due to a connection between the lawyer and the illness involved.

I've just been through this with my mum who died very quickly of cancer. I understand the panic, fear and looking for something to make you feel better about the situation. You've fixed upon the RP as the baddie and are directing your anger and frustration at her. Contact with the child will somehow make everything alright and heal deep wounds. Unfortunately it won't.

There needs to be some soul searching on the part of B and with regards to A as to how they've let things come to this. There is more A could have done, requested mediation with the RP, supported B in pursuing contact rather than giving up. Not just sending presents in the vague hope that the child will get in contact.

In terms of a solicitor they can only tell you what the law is, not how the judge will rule. There are many who will cheerfully give you hope, take your money and then when you are cut off at the knees in court shrug their shoulders.

You'll probably end up with a big legal bill and an even more pissed off RP. So actually the situation will be worse.

I skipped a few pages so forgive me if this has been covered but despite your protestation I'm guessing you are in a relationship with B. Remember you don't know everything that goes on in a relationship you really only have one side.

I hope A is as comfortable as possible. Just focus on them for the moment, its quite likely that the pain medication will start impacting their consciousness so in the nicest possible way they probably won't know a lot of what is going on around them soon.

Are those legal services all the way to court through or just initial advice?

I’m not trying to break your spirit but I think the family and friends of A need to prepare themselves (and A) for A not obtaining contact. This isn’t a young child. This is a child who will have views of their own and the court will absolutely take them into account. It may be the child doesn’t want contact and due to their age, no court in the land would force this. A will likely need extra support if this were to occur and I hope people aren’t giving A false hope. Any lawyer worth their salt will know a 12 year old could decline contact and have this respected.

I'm sure come two weeks it will be a positive reunion and the child is over joyed with contact

spanglydangly I came to that conclusion pages back. It’s like Op is determined to steamroll through every sensibility to be proven right. 🙄
It’s quite disturbing.

let this go. There is a reason for the estrangement & using someone’s terminal illness now is too little too late. If they cared so much about contact before, then why has it got to this point ? B needs to do some soul searching as to why the situation is the way it is.

It sucks for the grandparent but you don’t know if the child is even fond of their grandparent. You only know one side.

Stay out of this, it’s a futile fight & you are essentially wasting the last days of a man’s life on a losing battle.

Also old sick people can upset kids. They haven’t seen this person in 2 years & seeing them in the throes of terminal illness may not be how they want to remember that person. I get someone’s dying wish doesn’t feel great to leave unfulfilled, but on our death bed we ALL will have regrets. Such is life.

You don’t know this child or what is best for them.

You expect the child to forget that their parent has been absent from their life for around a quarter of it, yet dash back to be by their granny's side when you want them to. I can see why the RP won't do anything without a Court Order tbh. But nothing will convince you that you are wrong, OP.

It's very sad for the sick person but quite selfish to keep pushing this. If it was my child I wouldn't be wanting contact. They should have tried to keep contact in that time not because time is running out for them. This is not in the best interest of the child.

Yep sounds like it’s all about the child 🙄

Op how did you manage to find a lawyer as batshit as yourself at such short notice?

How many times have we read about people who are NC with relatives, and then along comes the classic flying monkey to say that the relative is dying and you'd better go and see them while you can?

This is sick. Youve had professionals on here advising that it isn't in the best interest of the child but you've gotten yourself so fucking involved that you're going to put a huge amount of emotional pressure on a child who had been abandoned by their family two and a half years ago. How the fuck can you expect a child to make that decision? If A and B really gave a fuck they would have sought legal advice years ago. Poor kid.

@multiplemum3 it is very sick and selfish but OP has made it clear your opinions and comments are irrelevant just like you as she said to me up thread.

I feel for this poor child and agree that the only tunnel vision that comes with such an outrageous story where someone completely believes the person doing all the bad things is totally innocent is when OP is in a relationship with B.

The contempt OP, B and A have for RP is unwarranted. It always ceases to amaze me how someone clearly in the wrong can see themselves as the victim.

A and B are in this situation because of their own behaviour and are now forcing a child to have the emotional burden of making them feel good. A child they abandoned! Wow, the cheek!

The decision not to pursue contact at the time was not taken lightly, but it was felt to be for the best as RP was opposed and this might distress the child.

Well then the wrong call was made - which is always the case when a parent decides it's 'for the best' that they don't fight, using the law if necessary - to keep contact with their child. It was the wrong call for many reasons, this situation among them. But that's the call they made. And at your reasoning here - B dropped their child 'as RP was opposed and it might distress the child' - so exactly like now then, you mean? But now it's not so important that the child is protected from distress because A is more important?

Also:

It was a very difficult situation and you only have to read a litany of posts on here from RPs seeking to frustrate or limit contact with a NRP (who has often not done anything wrong - not been in any way abusive or even strict with the child) just because the child, perhaps picking up on RPs feeling, doesn't want to go to contact.

No, I don't see litanites of these kind of posts. I do see reams and reams of posts where the situation is that, exactly like B, and for all sorts of reasons, the NRP stopped contact. Because it was 'too difficult'.

We can't time travel and change it. No, you can't. So you should stop trying.

All the family can do now is take whatever action open to then to try and get some resolution. There has been a resolution. B decided they wouldn't pursue contact. Assuming they understood then that they, parents and other relatives aren't actually immortal, they made this decision in the understanding that one day, this situation would arise.

Pursuing this is going to cause nothing but upset. And as the contact is with a grandparent, I wouldn't be surprised if the RP did manage to shield their child from being wheeled out for this with a court order. I hope so.

You can't undo things like this.

OP, you need some serious help with your mental health. This is not your family. It is not your problem. And you’re so involved it’s beyond creepy and gross now.

RP has given her answer. And it’s the correct stance to take.

You all need to get your heads out of your asses, pronto, before this child is significantly harmed by your batshittery.