Help please - difficult issue around child access and terminal illness

[Unhappytraveler]

Hoping someone might be able to help with the following...not really a AIBU but have posted for traffic:

I'm going to have to be slightly vague about the info as it is a very sad and sensitive situation but the crux of it is that someone close to me (let's call them A) has in the last few days been given a terminal cancer diagnosis. 3-6 months was suggested but they aren't doing too well and sadly we think it might be a lot less than that. There is no possibility of a cure and they have chosen not to have any treatment which might give them a few more months but cause more pain etc.

A has a grandchild who they haven't seen for several years due to the fact that As child B ( the non resident parent/ NRP) was under criminal investigation - the offence did not relate to the child but the child's (resident) parent said they would no longer agree to visitation or contact with nrp or their family, including A. Prior to that B had 40/60 access.

B decided (and this isn't intended to be a debate about rights and wrongs of that decision) to step away temporarily a couple of years ago rather than fight for contact but with every intention of re establishing contact in the near future...obviously the current unexpected situation now means that there is some urgency to do so for As sake.

At the time B was told they could go to court or that social services would be prepared to try and mediate to facilitate contact. SS advised that from a child protection perspective they had no concerns over access.

So what I'm trying to help the family with is what's the quickest way to achieve some contact with the child for A whilst they are still with us. Clearly B could apply to court but I'm anticipating that's a process that could take a while especially if the other parent refuses to engage ( which is a possibility) and time is not on As side.

Is there any way social services could assist? Given that previously the family were advised they might (but 2 or so years on and with the current traumatic situation no one can remember who to contact)

Can't you see any trauma for the child is going to be amplified if they find out in future that they could have seen or had contact with A but that no one bothered to tell them A was ill?!

If grandchild chose not to see A that is their decision but we feel they have a right to at least know.

There are no family friends who know the RP.

Unfortunately A can't write a letter due to the nature of their illness.

The child might well have a different view of the GP.

Mine are horrifically upset at their GP for enabling and covering up the abuse.

Unless you know both sides perspective, or know someone who does know the other side, you really do need to leave well alone. Noone from B's side of the family should be making contact

If B is keen to facilitate contact between A and their grandchild, why hasn't he applied to the child's mother?

Would A be content with seeing recent photographs of the child?

Can A focus on saying what s/he wants to say to grandchild in another way - perhaps a letter / video / book of photos? This way they are not leaving things unsaid and can know that the child will have access to it when they are older or when contact is resumed.

Otherwise, I agree with PPs that direct contact with the custodial parent would seem to be the only way to achieve this in the time available.

To be very blunt I can’t see how this is beneficial to the child- here’s your grandparent, remember them? Sorry but they are going to die now very very soon, so you weren’t going to have a relationship with them.
How is that fair on the child? Introducing someone again who is quickly going to pass away? I can’t see ss saying that is in the child’s best interest.

I think if B has stepped back then it’s going to be so upsetting and confusing for the child. So upsetting.

B should have maintained the relationship with the child. And didn’t. And this is a consequence.

A is dying and it is so sad, but ultimately B has been in controls of thevoid left by their criminal activity and no contact.

If A wanted a relationship prior to being ill. Why didn’t they?

RP is likely to ignore a call from As family or refuse to speak. It is unlikely RP would tell grandchild about the situation/ let them choose even if we managed to contact RP ourselves. We know that if an intermediary organisation such as SS did contact RP they would at least respond.

B can't do this to their child. B should have pursued contact in court not stepped back two years ago. Not now try and get rushed contact for As benefit.
By all means B can ask the resident parent if they would permit it and enable continuing contact with B thereafter but that's all B can do.

SS won't be interested, A will be gone before a contact order can be made.

There is obviously so much going on.

But the child must be protected.

A letter to the mother might be a starting point?

We don’t know the context at all, but from
What you’ve posted you’re only thinking about the elderly relative. It screams too little too late.

Are you B?

There was no way for A to continue contact. RP didn't respond to any of the gifts sent to grandchild for birthday/ Xmas or letters etc.

There is more to it which I can't go into but it was a very difficult situation and there wasn't much A could do.

No You are using A's illness to guilt the child into making contact.

Unless the child has no idea where the parent/grandparent is or there is SN, in the age of multiple communication methods, If the child wanted to be in contact they would be.

If the child wanted to know how their GP was, healthy or otherwise, they would chosen to have made contact already.

If noone was actively persuing contact while A was well, noone should be doing it now

I'm not B.

A isn't that elderly actually. Barely past retirement age.

This is fucking awful situation which I am trying to help some devastated people with.

If noone was actively persuing contact while A was well, noone should be doing it now.

And that should have been B

SS won’t push this through as it’s not in the best interests of the child.

I don’t understand why NRP didn’t want to see child for several years but now wants to because parent is dying? It doesn’t look good for SS.

I think you should step away.

I feel for you, I do, but the pursuit of the child is hugely misplaced.

Another voice to add to all the others to say that this seems ill-advised at best.

A 12 year old is at a formative age with much going on hormonally and emotionally. Any contact must absolutely priotise the child's wellbeing. This is a child that will already be feeling conflicted over their relationship with B and the extended family who have been absent from their life.

It shouldn’t be put on the child to make a decision, by people that don’t really know the child anymore. B should speak to the parent of the child, and explain. It’s then up to the resident parent whether or not the child sees A.

If resident parent decides the child can see A, they see A. If resident parent decides the child can’t see A, the child doesn’t see A. The resident parent will deal with the current situation/future situation in the way they think is best. B walked away and lost contact with their child. They don’t get to contact an 11 yr old out of the blue and issue dissict decisions to be made immediately

I think the child at 12 is old enough to decide.
And if I were that child and my grandparent had died, and no one told me till after I would be furious and hurt.

Neither of their parents seem to have acted reasonably or in the child's best interest regarding contact.

What is your relationship to the situation, OP - are you an aunt/uncle /cousin? I would write/email to the RP, but I would be gentle, clear, and not too emotional about it.

*difficult decisions

SS won’t get involved.
*
Can't you see any trauma for the child is going to be amplified if they find out in future that they could have seen or had contact with A but that no one bothered to tell them A was ill?! *
So, someone needs to contact the RP and speak to them about this situation.
My husband & I are NC from his family, if any of them were at deaths door, I’m afraid I still wouldn’t want my child around them.

This is fucking awful situation which I am trying to help some devastated people with.

Exactly.

You are trying to help the GP not the child. You really arent thinking of the child at all.

Its already way too late.

Presents have been sent and not returned but no communication has been received.

We don't know what access child has to phones etc. At the time contact ceased they didn't have their own phone or computer and wouldn't have known A or B's mobile number. We don't know if child has access to phone and phone numbers now, and/ or whether they have been told not to contact B or indeed A.

It's not as simple as if they wanted to be in contact they would be. 12 is still a child, albeit old enough to make a decision when they have all the facts. Tbh I think the family want the child to have the chance to choose, if they don't want to see A then sad though that would be it is their choice.

If I were in this position, I would write to the child's parents to inform them of the diagnosis, and to request if at all possible a short visit. This may or may not be ignored, but the mother needs to know what is happening and can make the decision.

If the child's mother does not get in touch, perhaps A could have a letter written on her behalf to her GD with or without leaving a gift to her if she wishes, to say how much she cared about the child, something about her own life, but nothing inflammatory or upsetting obviously. The letter can be saved for when the child is older and ready to read such letters.

That way A has closure, the child is not affected but knows she was remembered once she was older, and no damage can be done either side.

B has to take some responsibility for this outcome, and one would imagine he now needs to pursue some relationship with his child if he wishes for his family to know her.

Although you may be devastated, it is important to acknowledge that the child may also have felt devastated losing her family and father too, and it may not be in her best interests to have to go through this. She is after all still fairly young.

I think you should step away. I feel for you, I do, but the pursuit of the child is hugely misplaced.

This.

If the grandparent gets to see the child, will B still want continuous contact or step away again. This could be very damaging for the child to be rejected twice.