Help please - difficult issue around child access and terminal illness

[Unhappytraveler]

Hoping someone might be able to help with the following...not really a AIBU but have posted for traffic:

I'm going to have to be slightly vague about the info as it is a very sad and sensitive situation but the crux of it is that someone close to me (let's call them A) has in the last few days been given a terminal cancer diagnosis. 3-6 months was suggested but they aren't doing too well and sadly we think it might be a lot less than that. There is no possibility of a cure and they have chosen not to have any treatment which might give them a few more months but cause more pain etc.

A has a grandchild who they haven't seen for several years due to the fact that As child B ( the non resident parent/ NRP) was under criminal investigation - the offence did not relate to the child but the child's (resident) parent said they would no longer agree to visitation or contact with nrp or their family, including A. Prior to that B had 40/60 access.

B decided (and this isn't intended to be a debate about rights and wrongs of that decision) to step away temporarily a couple of years ago rather than fight for contact but with every intention of re establishing contact in the near future...obviously the current unexpected situation now means that there is some urgency to do so for As sake.

At the time B was told they could go to court or that social services would be prepared to try and mediate to facilitate contact. SS advised that from a child protection perspective they had no concerns over access.

So what I'm trying to help the family with is what's the quickest way to achieve some contact with the child for A whilst they are still with us. Clearly B could apply to court but I'm anticipating that's a process that could take a while especially if the other parent refuses to engage ( which is a possibility) and time is not on As side.

Is there any way social services could assist? Given that previously the family were advised they might (but 2 or so years on and with the current traumatic situation no one can remember who to contact)

Can I just clarify that

the child hasn’t seen A for SEVERAL YEARS as you stated in your op and the child is 11/12

I think it’s very selfish for A to ask for this. The child won’t know them! The last time they saw them the child was 4/5/6?

I can't see that this is anything that SS could assist with. A & B need urgent legal advice - have they seen a solicitor to explore the options?

I should add B has continued to pay via CSA since contact stopped. Before that old chestnut inevitably gets raised.

B is not in a fit state to speak to the RP. I can't do it as I don't know the RP plus I suspect the phone would simply be put down on me or anyone else even if we have a current phone no which I'm not sure we do.

We were hoping that SS might be willing to act as intermediary but if that isn't the case B will need to seek urgent legal advice. In the meantime we can try writing to RP or child but no guarantee the letter will be read.

If I was the RP, I’d tell you to fuck off, tbh.

I understand A wants to see their Grandchild.

But why should a child that possibly has no memory of A be forced to visit them? Personally, ExDP and I did not allow my DC to see their GP in the end stages of cancer (we were split up at this point and we talked it over at length, many tears, I adored GP and it was devastating) as we felt it was something they absolutely did not need to see at their age. GP wasn’t even “aware” of anyone or anything.

SS have much more pressing things to do than mediate this Fucking Hell

And so they should re CSA!

I’m going to step away as I think I have said all I need to on this matter. I can tell you pretty much categorically SS will have neither the capacity nor the mandate to support you with this.

Most (all) kids have access to a school email address... which B would know for sure if he had retained contact with the school.... most kids get their phone on the transition to secondary school these days... has the GPs address changed in the "several years" since. Sending a letter is still possible.

80-90% of people on this thread are telling you contact is not in the best interests of the child. But crack on anyway. And you wonder why the mum wont pick up the phone to any of B's side of the family.... or why the kid isnt in contact. Perhaps because noone put their interests first, maybe. Just a guess.

I disagree with the majority of the posters on here. Similiar situation, I had no contact with GP for a lot longer, I was given the choice and was around the same age as this child. I did meet GP and I was glad I did. I have no regrets as an adult.

I would start with a letter, honest and heartfelt, which will give the mother time to process the situation. Be prepared for her to say no however. Explain B can be kept away.

Out of curiosity, what was the NRP arrested for?

B willingly gave up contact with his child. That was his choice and no excuses can be made. He could have fought for contact in court but chose not to do that, that was his own choice. The child hasn’t seen their grandparent for a few years and I’m not sure much will be gained from now seeing them terminally ill.

I saw my Grandad in this state when I was four and the image has stayed with me, he looked like a skeleton and it wasn’t how I wanted to remember him.

A is too ill to see a solicitor. B has not seen anyone yet...this has literally happened within days. This time last week A was just a bit under the weather. The speed of it all is horrifying.

It's about 2.5 years. So whether it's described as several or a couple is semantics really.

Grandparents have no legal right to contact. When B felt that protracted civil court action was not in their child's immediate interest, there was not much A could do other than continue with cards and gifts. RP did not and has not responded. What else could A do?

The best way to find out what SS will do is contact them direct. After that contact will be down to RP and the child

Is there is a current case for the child open with SS? Are they currently supporting the child? If not, I'm not sure who you would even refer to for this. SS have different teams that with support children for different reasons, eg children's disability teams, SG teams etc.

SS are only able to act quickly on new referrals if a child is in immediate and life threatening danger. Even many SG cases take a few weeks to be allocated and investigated.

Obviously if the child is currently supported by them you could try contacting their SW, but I do doubt if this is an area that they would be involved in.

As I mentioned previously A & B need legal advice from a specialist lawyer.

I have a twelve year old and would not be comfortable with his absent family making contact because someone is dying. If it's been a number of years then said child does not know this person and to involve them now can only cause the child pain. The nrp should have bothered from the beginning but obviously the child was not so convenient then. I don't see how anyone can walk away from their child without fighting for them regardless of a record if the child was not at risk contact would have been granted.

I'm sorry and I mean this as nicely as possible, but taking an 11 year old to see a dying grandparent they don't know is imo wrong.

Awful situation but contact should've been sorted way before this stage.

I imagine SS would be very much against manipulating a child in this way. Threatening to tell the child later on that they could have seen the grandparent before they died if mum had agreed would also be unbelievably horrid and unkind. None of you seem to have the child's best interests in mind.

I'm afraid if I was child's mum, I'm not sure if I would facilitate much contact. Child is 11- no contact sought before this and not they want a child introduced to a dying relative they likely have little to no recollection of. Approaching the mother who has been doing it all would be my start point. By the time CAFCASS, court, etc was done the terminal adult will have passed. And the 11 year old can not be forced into contact if they don't want it regardless.

Ask the parent who has care of the child to take the child to visit A, explaining why. This avoids the problem of involving B. I'm sure most decent people would do so under the circumstances. B requesting contact is a separate issue IMO.

If there’s no court order in place about contact being strictly forbidden or something, I’d be going behind their door and speaking to RP. Not A or B, but someone who isn’t related to them.
Yes, the parent can slam the door into your face, but at least you’ll know they still live there and can put the letter through the door if don’t want to talk to you.
Don’t beg, be factual, pass on the request from A and leave. Don’t speak to a child though. That could end in trouble.

I don’t see what else can be done. You can’t force the parent to allow contact without court involvement and it could take months.

I should add B has continued to pay via CSA since contact stopped.

Im very glad to hear it. Although i will add.... Ex posts on social media he provides his (number of DC with wife and ours) with apple phones and i pads...

is not in a fit state to speak to the RP

If theyre not in a fit state to speak to the RP how are they in a fit state to rebuild a relationship with a child?

A 12 year old will most certainly remember a grandparent they had seen fairly regularly up until 2 years ago and who they’ve had presents from in the intervening period

It’s not semantics in terms of the child’s memory and relationship with A. Last contact ages 9/10 then ok, perhaps try and reach out to the mum with the letter, last contact 5/6 I would strongly advise you to keep out of it.

It's about 2.5 years. So whether it's described as several or a couple is semantics really

And should certainly be able to decide whether to see said grandparent or not.

You do not have the time for legal action I am afraid.

If you send a letter registered signed for post to the RP informing them of the situation then you will know it will be opened and most likely read, particularly if you type the address and put urgent on the envelope.

You can not force the RP or child to see A, or put any pressure on them in any way. I am afraid B lost his rights when he got involved in criminal proceedings that were serious enough to put an end to visits and time with his child.

It is not down to the child to 'fix' everything for A and make everything okay. This is a very unfair burden to place on any child, especially one that has lost so much already.

You would be better advised to focus on other wishes A has, bucket list things and try and make the most of every moment, rather than allowing her last few months to be overshadowing by this.

The child's mother will be in touch if they feel this is the right thing, otherwise you must respect her wishes and make the best of the situation.