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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help please - difficult issue around child access and terminal illness

493 replies

Unhappytraveler · 04/11/2019 12:20

Hoping someone might be able to help with the following...not really a AIBU but have posted for traffic:

I'm going to have to be slightly vague about the info as it is a very sad and sensitive situation but the crux of it is that someone close to me (let's call them A) has in the last few days been given a terminal cancer diagnosis. 3-6 months was suggested but they aren't doing too well and sadly we think it might be a lot less than that. There is no possibility of a cure and they have chosen not to have any treatment which might give them a few more months but cause more pain etc.

A has a grandchild who they haven't seen for several years due to the fact that As child B ( the non resident parent/ NRP) was under criminal investigation - the offence did not relate to the child but the child's (resident) parent said they would no longer agree to visitation or contact with nrp or their family, including A. Prior to that B had 40/60 access.

B decided (and this isn't intended to be a debate about rights and wrongs of that decision) to step away temporarily a couple of years ago rather than fight for contact but with every intention of re establishing contact in the near future...obviously the current unexpected situation now means that there is some urgency to do so for As sake.

At the time B was told they could go to court or that social services would be prepared to try and mediate to facilitate contact. SS advised that from a child protection perspective they had no concerns over access.

So what I'm trying to help the family with is what's the quickest way to achieve some contact with the child for A whilst they are still with us. Clearly B could apply to court but I'm anticipating that's a process that could take a while especially if the other parent refuses to engage ( which is a possibility) and time is not on As side.

Is there any way social services could assist? Given that previously the family were advised they might (but 2 or so years on and with the current traumatic situation no one can remember who to contact)

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 04/11/2019 13:49

Are you sure you want to try and make this happen, OP? really sure? Is it what you'd want?

CheshireChat · 04/11/2019 13:50

And if the child wants no contact, not even a letter?

Original poster
Unhappytraveler · 04/11/2019 13:50

I said in my OP that B's intention was always to seek to resume contact. They were intending to apply to court in the next 12 months or so by which time the child would be in their teens and B was advised the child's wishes on contact would be given precedence. The current situation was not intended to be permanent. And indeed until days ago A thought they had, god willing, many more years ahead.

If let's say RP agrees, or tells child who agrees, to see A, then B would absolutely want to continue contact with child directly if that could be agreed. There is no intention to step away again.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 04/11/2019 13:51

B absolutely should attempt to reestablish contact. No problem.

Not the dying grandparent. No way.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 04/11/2019 13:51

This reply has been deleted

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KanelbulleKing · 04/11/2019 13:53

The point of me posting wasn't a debate on rights or wrongs. It was to find out how we can ensure this info gets to RP and we get an actual response rather than no response.

You can't ensure you get a response. The RP owes you nothing. If they choose not to respond that's entirely down to them.

And ideally that child is made aware and gets to choose, even if that choice is I'd like to send A a letter or message but not to see them. A would entirely respect that.

Sorry, but this is terrible. You want a child to be burdened with the responsibility and guilt of choosing whether or not to see a dying relative they haven't seen in years? Your sad situation is seriously clouding your judgment here and you are not looking for what's in the best interests of that child.

Apolloanddaphne · 04/11/2019 13:53

I honesty think the family needs to have a serious think about whose needs they would be meeting in pursuing this. It does appear to be in the best interests of the child that is for sure.

My DF died this summer and my niece who is 11 and was very close to her GF was given full choice at every step of the process in whether she visited him as he was dying, going to the funeral etc. It was deeply distressing for her and that was with the full support of all her family l who know her well. around to support her. This would be a terrible experience for a child who has no current relationship with their GM and the rest of the family.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 04/11/2019 13:54

What a crock of shit “seek to reestablish contact later”

Gross

CheshireChat · 04/11/2019 13:54

But B won't have had contact for 3-4 years by that point, that's roughly a third of that child's life, it's hard to believe a judge won't consider this against them.

Lockheart · 04/11/2019 13:54

To be fair I think when you're literally dying it's probably OK to be selfish.

I think the RP should be made aware of the situation. They can then decide whether they think it would be in the child's best interests to see A. A should prepare for the possibility that they may not get to see their grandchild and write letters accordingly which can be given to GC once contact is re-established with A's side of the family.

autumn2203 · 04/11/2019 13:55

It seems undue focus is being put on the child, to distract from the reality of a terminal illness. This is not appropriate in any shape or form.

You will all need to face up to the diagnosis and work out how to move forward without hurting anyone else further. Get some counselling, some support from Marie Currie and others.

The B has no right whatsoever to exert his wishes or anyone else's over the best interests of the child. The child can not change the outcome for A, and it could be very harmful to the child.

Focus on other end of life wishes and leave the child be, after informing her mother.

Original poster
Unhappytraveler · 04/11/2019 13:55

It's not a decision I've ever been in because my children's grandparents died before they were born.

I do remember my grandparents who died before I was 11. I didn't see one of them for several years until they became very ill. I've always been glad I did see them that last time.

So from my POV yes it's something I consider the right thing to do. To ensure the child knows and gets to make a free choice.

OP posts:
KanelbulleKing · 04/11/2019 13:57

I said in my OP that B's intention was always to seek to resume contact. They were intending to apply to court in the next 12 months or so by which time the child would be in their teens and B was advised the child's wishes on contact would be given precedence.

Oh well that's all right then. Having the intention to resume contact when convenient completely justifies abandoning the child for several years. Except it doesn't, does it. Didn't put the child first then, isn't putting the child first now.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 04/11/2019 13:57

YOU CANNOT PUT THAT DECISION ON A CHILD

How many times do PPs have to say that? It’s emotional abuse.

GrumpyHoonMain · 04/11/2019 13:57

I don’t think it would be in the child’s best interest to re-establish contact with a dying grandparent. The best thing to do is to go through court after this grandparent has died.

Atalune · 04/11/2019 13:57

A child of 11 is being put in a terrible position to make that “choice”.

You sound more and more twisted as this goes on.

Horrible.

ChicCroissant · 04/11/2019 13:59

Was B convicted and jailed, OP?

B has made no effort to contact the RP even now, so I doubt anyone thinks he intends to maintain contact now.

Damntheman · 04/11/2019 14:01

Does B genuinely believe the child will actually WANT to re-establish contact after 2-4 years of no contact?

Jellybeansincognito · 04/11/2019 14:01

I also don’t think this is a fair situation to put a 12 year old in.

slashlover · 04/11/2019 14:02

If let's say RP agrees, or tells child who agrees, to see A, then B would absolutely want to continue contact with child directly if that could be agreed. There is no intention to step away again.

But the child will always be aware that the only reason contact was restarted was because their DGF was dying and NOT because their DF actually wanted to see them.

Original poster
Unhappytraveler · 04/11/2019 14:06

B wasn't convicted or jailed.

B has no means of contacting RP short of calling at their home which would be as inappropriate as me doing so.

I'm stepping away from the thread now that nonsensical words like abuse are being thrown around which are wholly inappropriate. I have enough to deal with. If SS won't help we'll do solicitor plus SD letter and hope that elicits a response of some kind.

God forbid one of your family gets a cancer diagnosis. This is a horrific situation which many of you clearly have no understanding of.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 04/11/2019 14:07

“ Does B genuinely believe the child will actually WANT to re-establish contact after 2-4 years of no contact?”
He might well. 12 year olds can be very mature.

Clangus00 · 04/11/2019 14:07

You said you’ll all be seeking legal advice. Legal advice about what? A child who was virtually abandoned by their criminal father, who now wants to guilt them into seeing their dying grandparent? Without anyone trying to contact the child’s other parent first?!

Nearlyalmost50 · 04/11/2019 14:08

To be fair I think when you're literally dying it's probably OK to be selfish

yes, but everyone else around you doesn't have to indulge you in it.

Dealing with death and dying is hugely difficult for this age child/teen. It is a time of huge emotional and hormonal upheaval and having your parent who abandoned contact rock up (or not it's not clear he really wants contact) and your dying grandparent- no, it's too much.

I just don't think they could make a 'free choice' because their choices are loaded with what everyone else wants including the mother, you, B and A.

I would be guided by the RP who has picked up the pieces after B and they will be best placed to know what would be emotionally possible or desirable for the child. So, write that letter, post it and leave it up to them.

I think the chances of having a lovely final visit under these circumstances is pretty low for all kinds of reasons and so I agree with everyone who says you need to get A not to fix on this as it is unlikely to happen. Dying people are still the same people they are, with the same difficult family relationships and they don't get solved by impending death, if anything, they can worsen. This isn't a happy/sad ending in a book and I wouldn't expect one.

KanelbulleKing · 04/11/2019 14:10

God forbid one of your family gets a cancer diagnosis. This is a horrific situation which many of you clearly have no understanding of.

My sister died of bone cancer 5 years ago. It's precisely because of my understanding of it that I can tell you that what you are suggesting is terrible and not in the child's best interest.

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