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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend told her daughter I was a lesbian!

249 replies

Flyingbytheseatofmyknickers15 · 03/11/2019 17:54

Hey lovelies!

Slightly difficult conversation. I have a friend who I met through a DV group which our children were a part of. We had a girls night one evening and I offered her to stay over. I laughed and said we would cosy up in my bed, with the tv and some wine after the pub. She declined.

Afterwards, she told her daughter she thinks I'm gay because of saying she could stay in my bed. Her daughter told my daughter that her mum thinks I'm gay. 🙄🙄🙄

I'm very much a dance in yer knickers with your mates, kinda woman.

I cut ties with her, because I feel that actually, as humans, we should be solid and supportive towards one another and it caused issues with my daughter who asked me about it. My daughter has been very aggressive towards me at times following the separation between me and her dad. This situation exacerbated it.

My friend from the DV group has recently contacted me. Should I cut her off or be honest and explain? We had fun as friends but aren't very close. Should I make the effort?

OP posts:
Carabello · 03/11/2019 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Interestedwoman · 03/11/2019 20:34

Aww I would've told you how you felt but given her another chance. Up to you though. xxx

Derbee · 03/11/2019 20:34

Would you cut contact with her for mistakenly thinking you were blue-eyed, or left-handed? Nope. There you go then. YABU.
Also homophobic. HTH

Read this a couple of times OP.

You wouldn’t have taken thinking you were left handed as unacceptable gossip

crustycrab · 03/11/2019 20:34

Eh? You've had sex with women?

Christ on a bike Grin

fedup21 · 03/11/2019 20:38

If someone suggesting cosying up in their bed watching films and drinking wine together till we passed out, I would think it was a come on.

If someone suggested watching films and drinking wine, I wouldn’t think it was a come on! You can be cosy without being in someone’s bed. Just because you might do that with your own kids who you live with, is immaterial.

CravingCheese · 03/11/2019 20:39

Would you cut contact with her for mistakenly thinking you were blue-eyed, or left-handed? Nope. There you go then. YABU.
Also homophobic. HTH

I mostly agree. And your sister being gay doesn't change anything about that imo...

And you have also slept with women. You may say you weren't attracted to them. But you still had threesomes and behaved in a way one may interpret as being very open and comfortable with your bisexuality...

But it's obviously absolutely up to you whether you want to reach out or not.

But it really does feel to me like you may be blaming your friend for your dd being aggressive towards you...? Idk.

Choice4567 · 03/11/2019 20:42

You’re gay. Which is absolutely not a problem except you seem to think it is.

Carabello · 03/11/2019 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChilledBee · 03/11/2019 20:42

It's the "cosy up" bit that would have made me think. I wouldn't put it like that.

Derbee · 03/11/2019 20:44

I think you’re cross that you’re gay, OP. And that’s your problem, not your ex friend’s.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 03/11/2019 20:48

The more you say OP, the more it comes across that you’re not comfortable with your own sexuality.

Original poster
Flyingbytheseatofmyknickers15 · 03/11/2019 20:53

My babe has no idea I dropped this friend on social media! As if I'd mention it! That's not my child's issue!

Our friendship consisted talking of cafcass, solicitors, DV, our child's issues, our aspirations. Very intense stuff for a fledgling friendship. For my daughter to question me... there are many things I have to leave out, was hard work.

Either way. My career is therapy and I'm very open to people. As said, heart on sleeve. I simply did not expect gossip to be portrayed to my daughter through hers. It was disappointing. Obviously I jumped into the friendship, that was the nature of the group. There are some things I am not able to publicly mention.

It doesn't matter though. Some very rude and judgey comments. I wasn't asking for a character analysis. Simply about the situation. Many thanks all.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 03/11/2019 20:54

Since my ex I've had 3somes etc.. with women included but unfortunately they don't float my boat

Did you tell your new friend this during one of your tete-a-tetes?

Newbie1981 · 03/11/2019 20:58

I watch films in bed with my friends, with wine. OP you're not odd, god there are some proper stiffs on here, it's hilarious! 😂😂😂

voddiekeepsmesane · 03/11/2019 21:01

The words "cosy up in bed" sends off the wrong impression IMO. I cosy up with DP and DS but NOT with my friends.

clutchingon · 03/11/2019 21:01

I would have done that with my best mate when I was 20. But not as a grown woman. I would also have thought you were coming on to me.

Original poster
Flyingbytheseatofmyknickers15 · 03/11/2019 21:02

Thanks newbie1981.

OP posts:
clutchingon · 03/11/2019 21:04

Pa I have happily shared a bed / room with my mates on a girls weekend away as that's necessary. A man would deffo think you were coming on to them if you said that - why would a woman you don't know very well think differently.

bridgetreilly · 03/11/2019 21:05

It wasn't gossip. Friend thought it was factual (with good reason), is not homophobic, doesn't think it's a big deal for her daughter or yours to know.

You are the one causing all the drama here, OP. Friend is probably better off without you.

Derbee · 03/11/2019 21:13

My career is therapy

Well then god help us all 😳

CatsOnCatnip · 03/11/2019 21:20

You sound like me, I’d wear my heart on my sleeve and tell her what’s up. And what’s she’s telling her daughter is not ok for a multitude of reasons.

MajesticWhine · 03/11/2019 21:24

I'm going purely from the first post. She made a fairly reasonable assumption that you were gay. You say you're not. There's no big deal. It's not an insult to say you are gay. Just tell her you're not and it was a misunderstanding. No need to cut ties with her. If you want to be friends, then carry on and be friends.

BunnyColvin · 03/11/2019 21:25

Maybe I'm just confident in my sexuality and the way I feel comfortable chilling with my mates

You sound confused OP. What has your sexuality to do with your mates? These two statements don't belong in a sentence together. You sound like you're wanting people to say 'go you' for having threesomes. But threesomes still don't have anything to do with your mates?!

On the face of it, there's nothing wrong with two mates watching movies on a bed and drinking vino. But it's all about the context, and you had a misfire here - for whatever reason. One would've had to be there I'm guessing.

Saying all that, YANBU to say no children should have been involved in this discussion, and for me, that's enough to sack her off.

CravingCheese · 03/11/2019 21:35

It wasn't gossip. Friend thought it was factual (with good reason), is not homophobic, doesn't think it's a big deal for her daughter or yours to know.

Yes. Seems like this may really be what happened here.

Original poster
Flyingbytheseatofmyknickers15 · 03/11/2019 21:37

Well I was with my H for 18 years. I was 17. After getting away I embraced the sanctity of my true friends.

I sought comfort, solace, wisdom, love. With the kids gone for some weekends it seems very normal to have kid free time now. My friends can have kid free time they're not used to, at my place and we have a blast.

Curry nights, bring a dish, three course dinners, wine, cocktails, dancing, whispering secrets over candle light.
Fires in the garden, stupid games and quizzes, hilarious joking! Laughing to a film in the duvet all snuggled up. Sometimes many of my friends sometimes just one or two. This is now my norm. It is a blessing!

To wanted to share that loveliness with someone who has previously struggled so much... go on shoot me down. But to have my child question me over something so human. With dear people (however long the friendship). Is a shame. Sexuality shouldn't have been the issue. I think it's sad it's misconstrued. I had a male friend stay for a while due to abuse issues. I showed him the same way I live.

I feel it's self-care and that should be promoted. Certainly not to be branded.

You can call me gay all you want. I still feel happy and cathartic in my new being, making choices for myself (even if deemed incorrect in society) and doing, for once what makes ME smile , not just what someone else tells me to do. My friends are taken care of without judgement or undertones. After all, we all need self-care, whichever way we get it. At least I wasn't scared to pass on some lovely self-care techniques. Id rather be branded forever than lose the opportunity to pass on caring and good friendship.

My friend from the group reminds me of secondary school. 'Oh my god, she's like proper gay!'. Really? I'm 36 not 13. I think I'd have at least had an inkling by now.

My daughter laughed. She knows I'm close with my friends and she is equally as close to my friends. I seriously question a parent that places judgement on others like that to be spread as gossip to her own child. I truly feel that's wrong.

Get yer duvets out and light some candles with your lovely friends. You won't regret it, I promise. 😁 (Maybe buy them some flowers too or is that just wayyyyy too misleading?!?!?!) 😂....

OP posts: