Friend told her daughter I was a lesbian!

[Flyingbytheseatofmyknickers15]

Hey lovelies!

Slightly difficult conversation. I have a friend who I met through a DV group which our children were a part of. We had a girls night one evening and I offered her to stay over. I laughed and said we would cosy up in my bed, with the tv and some wine after the pub. She declined.

Afterwards, she told her daughter she thinks I'm gay because of saying she could stay in my bed. Her daughter told my daughter that her mum thinks I'm gay. 🙄🙄🙄

I'm very much a dance in yer knickers with your mates, kinda woman.

I cut ties with her, because I feel that actually, as humans, we should be solid and supportive towards one another and it caused issues with my daughter who asked me about it. My daughter has been very aggressive towards me at times following the separation between me and her dad. This situation exacerbated it.

My friend from the DV group has recently contacted me. Should I cut her off or be honest and explain? We had fun as friends but aren't very close. Should I make the effort?

Thing is OP she's not your mate. You feel closer to her as you've both had awful shared experiences but you are very different people. Neither of whom know each other that well as demonstrated by your being too intense for an acquaintance and using easily misinterpreted wording and her not asking you but telling someone else.

That message would certainly make me think 'it's a come on' from someone i wasnt close too. Best friends, my mum, sisters and kids- nope all fine. But someone not a real friend- come on.

Thank you!

I would assume "cosy up" meant with the duvet, not each other.

But you say yourself that this woman was not a friend of many years.

Or even a friend, by most people's definition. Just an aquaintance.

Maybe I'm just confident in my sexuality I would say you absolutely are not, OP. Here are the facts:

You said something that sounded like a come on. When your DD nentiend that the woman thought you were gay, you could’ve said “ha, how funny, that’s not how I meant it at all. But even if someone is gay, its not a problem is it”

The fact that you’re shocked, didn’t just explain it away to your DD, and have cut contact with a friend that you liked enough to invite for all that stuff means that
A) you think there’s something wrong with being gay and you’re offended by her thinking you are gay
B) you are gay and you are embarrassed about being turned down by the woman

To someone who isn’t gay or homophobic, it’s really not a big deal and it should never have been made a big deal.

I’d definitely have assumed that that was a come on & replied that it’s not for me but thanks. That scenario is how relationships start & I would assume you were testing the water & were interested in being more than friends. She doesn’t sound like she’s been negative at all or judging you, just making the perfectly reasonable
assumption that you tried it on with her.

Cutting ties on that basis is entirely your issue, not hers. Also you say you have these intimate friendships with women but don’t condone being close enough to your children that you chat about things - maybe it just came up in conversation, didn’t have to be ‘gossip’ or in any way judgemental. I’m sure my kids/teen know which of my friends are gay & it’s a non issue. Obviously if you aren’t it’s down to a misunderstanding but you being offended is bizarre. You should probably apologise and explain - not take umbrage!

She doesn't seem to have great boundaries herself As a victim of dv is that at all surprising. One thing we don't know is how old the children are, nor are we aware of how it was actually phrased to the daughter, for all we know it was said as part of a talk about boundaries and how you need to be wary of people and how innocent things might turn into come ons.

Sounds fab to me op. I'd just explain to her there was a misunderstanding.

So would i Staffy1, if it wasn't 'cosy up in bed'.

Thank you to everyflightbeginswithafall

Obviously your friend, & by extension you, feel there is something 'wrong' with being gay. Her because she felt the need to comment on your presumed orientation (to her DD ffs!), & you for "cutting her off" for it.

Would you cut contact with her for mistakenly thinking you were blue-eyed, or left-handed? Nope. There you go then. YABU.
Also homophobic. HTH.

Also, could your reaction as it making you feel weird/annoyed mean you maybe are questioning your own sexuality, even subconsciously? Because before I came out I would also have felt weird/bad about a conversation like that

The problem here is that on the one hand you felt close enough to this friend to offer her a bed for the night (FWIW I would have no problem with the kind of evening you described, if it was with a close long term friend), but not close enough to actually have a conversation with her about what has upset you, instead just completely cutting her off. That's what I think is rude and unreasonable on your part. Just speak to her and clear up what has obviously just been a massive misunderstanding all round ffs!

Quite the overreaction in this thread. I've shared a (double) bed with male friends quite a few times over the years in certain circumstance (i.e. there's only one bed available) and I'm also male. And not gay.

So has my husband, he works away a lot and often has to share bed with other men as they stay in cheap digs.

If he was on a night out with a male friend, esp one of a few months and his mate suggested going back to his, cosying up in bed with a few beers and watching telly l, he'd think his friend was making a pass at him and wanted sex and he'd decline.

He said the matter scenarios a miles alert from having to share a bed when there's only one free.

I did laugh to my daughter and said about how she goes head and tail with her friends in her bed... as did I, as a kid. I said as girls (I have only daughter's), we are super comfy with our friends. I share changing rooms with my friends, get dressed for evenings out, have a wee etc
... We are human. Not goblins or sexual objects. If I felt someone may have feelings or I did for them. It would be a total no, no!

Since my ex I've had 3somes etc.. with women included but unfortunately they don't float my boat. I'm confident in myself and that there was no undertones. Cosy in a duvet, ice cream, wine, giggles. That certainly does not mean I'm open for business!

I don't need to say any of this. Different lives, different views... Thanks anyway.

I'm not embarrassed by being called gay. Simply shocked that another parent would tell their child I am! Which got back to my child!

Are you sure she didn't assume you were bisexual and out?

Anyhow. Your choice as to whether you want to continue the friendship.

Maybe I'm just confident in my sexuality and the way I feel comfortable chilling with my mates! Some of us do different things with our friends. I truly love candles, wine, blankets, laughing! (Also really stupid dancing!).... always got to dance like no-ones watching... even if they are!

As long as you're aware that this isn't accepted as normal / standard by everyone else? And that some of the mates who were apparently watching may have had different thoughts...?
Then that's obviously fine.

Everything you just explained there is best mate territory. You shouldn't just assume every woman you meet is up for that and has the same interests as you. I mean, it's fine that you like that but you can't really be surprised that she declined and thinks you came onto her.

I've removed her from social media because I feel that my daughter mentioning it to me was awful. I feel her gossiping was unnecessary with her child and I feel that's wrong. I'm very undramatic and don't care for gossip.

Its just such a shame a person can't ask for an honest answer and advice without being branded or patronised.

I'm very undramatic and don't care for gossip.

OP, I have shared a bed with my friend more than once, but she is my best friend and have known her many many years now .
We haven't had wine though but sometimes have watched some TV (she has one of those wonderful beds with a TV that comes up at the end) . Its entirely different with long established friends than it is for somebody you don't know that well.

You don't sound very undramatic.

I have read the first 2 pages and the last one. I am very glad to see some people at the end are being a bit more understanding. If a friend I don't know very well invited me to drink wine in their bed I might wonder what their intentions are. But I would never tell my child for it to get back to theirs and that is the issue. The op has never said she would be ashamed to be a lesbian.

I have female friends that I have shared beds with for the record. One of whom broke her rule for me as she had a friend of a friend share a bed with her years ago who was very aggressive in making it clear she wanted sex with her. I think it's about friendship dynamics than the op being wrong. In some friendship groups this is fine, in others not so fine. The op misjudged that's all but the friend was out of order telling her daughter

You've basically taught your daughters that someone thinking you're gay is a cut-offable offense!

Yup. This^

Here’s the drip feed OP. You’ve had sex with women 🙄 and your friend is way off the mark thinking had a sexual interest in her?

I think you’re friend is lucky that you’ve cut contact, you sound incredibly hard work.