Friend told her daughter I was a lesbian!

[Flyingbytheseatofmyknickers15]

Hey lovelies!

Slightly difficult conversation. I have a friend who I met through a DV group which our children were a part of. We had a girls night one evening and I offered her to stay over. I laughed and said we would cosy up in my bed, with the tv and some wine after the pub. She declined.

Afterwards, she told her daughter she thinks I'm gay because of saying she could stay in my bed. Her daughter told my daughter that her mum thinks I'm gay. 🙄🙄🙄

I'm very much a dance in yer knickers with your mates, kinda woman.

I cut ties with her, because I feel that actually, as humans, we should be solid and supportive towards one another and it caused issues with my daughter who asked me about it. My daughter has been very aggressive towards me at times following the separation between me and her dad. This situation exacerbated it.

My friend from the DV group has recently contacted me. Should I cut her off or be honest and explain? We had fun as friends but aren't very close. Should I make the effort?

I have with my sisters, and best friends who are like family. Not just anyone.

If you're so chilled OP, why are you offended?

Why not call her and say 'I'm sorry you thought I was coming on to you that night, believe me it was not my intention, I often have friends over for a movie in PJs with wine. I can assure you I am not romantically interested in you in any way!' and resume your friendship?

Agreed. Your reaction sounds anything but chill. And you need to talk to your dd.

I have shared beds with my really close female friends OP, the ones that are like sisters, and particularly back in the day could certainly spend some time like that watching movies. So I totally get where you are coming from. On the other hand, if it's someone you are not so close to I can understand how she might misinterpret it.

I'm sorry but what is the issue with being called a lesbian? Just correct her/daughters and that's the end of it? It's not something to be embarrassed or ashamed about so I don't understand the drama?

Do friends not watch a film, cosied in a duvet laughing their heads off these days? Am I just a traditionalist?! I do this with my daughter's all the time! It seems totally normal to me!?!*

I've never 'cosied' up with a friend, no.
The fact you said 'cosy up' to a friend imo is weird and I'd honestly be creeped out and definitely decline the offer!

Watching a film with your daughter under a duvet is completely different to a friend though isn't it albeit one you said you're not actually close to.

OP, I think in this day and age sexuality can be fluid. Also bisexuality is quite common I think (I am a very boring, married woman in my 40s though). I also think that you may be a bit innocent about this.

I would urge you to have a serious discussion with your DD. Do explain to her that you are innocent /naive in terms of this and it was a massive misunderstanding. If this is the normal behaviour in your family (it is in mine minus the wine), it is important that they know that other people are different. I would assume that you don’t want your DD accepting an offer to cosy up in bed with a bottle of wine with a casual male friend and assuming his intentions were platonic ? Or casual female friend who might fancy her? The world is not that innocent sadly... 💐

Quite the overreaction in this thread. I've shared a (double) bed with male friends quite a few times over the years in certain circumstance (i.e. there's only one bed available) and I'm also male. And not gay.

You keep repeating that you don't see why it's a problem to invite someone to cosy up in your bed. Dozens and dozens of people here have said they would find that either too full on or to be a come on. So you can keep insisting that your way is fine and risk many a misunderstanding and broken friendship in future or you can take on board what people are saying here and take it down a notch.

@Flyingbytheseatofmyknickers15 I think if you were half as chill and relaxed as you claim on this thread, you wouldn’t give a Castlemaine XXXX what your friend thought about your sexuality or who she told.

Banterlope did you frame it like the OP, who:

laughed and said we would cosy up in my bed, with the tv and some wine after the pub.

And were the guys you invited into bed aquaintances of a few months, whom you'd met at a support group for children?

I was just trying to be a nice friend. I dont have airs or graces and love to have a nattter with a blanket, few candles and a bottle of wine. I didn't see the difference?!

I appreciate that you feel this is a close friendship because of what you've discussed, but it isn't a friendship that is longstanding. Had it been, there would have been less chance of this kind of misunderstanding. I wouldn't assume that a woman who had been married to a man was straight. Plenty of people are bisexual or change orientation at some point in their lives. I would also bear in mind what your friend has been through - perhaps she felt unsafe.

You can keep saying that you didn't see the difference, and that's OK. But enough people here have said they would have perceived this as a come on. I would have done, or even if I hadn't I'd have thought it was too close too quickly and wouldn't have been interested. This isn't wrong either but I think it's important you recognise that many people would genuinely have thought you were propositioning them.

Maybe I'm just confident in my sexuality and the way I feel comfortable chilling with my mates! Some of us do different things with our friends. I truly love candles, wine, blankets, laughing! (Also really stupid dancing!).... always got to dance like no-ones watching... even if they are!

Naivety? Maybe?

Yet the branding, hippie etc.. calling of homophobe/homophobic, suggesting I shouldn't be surprised my daughter found out etc... is so really disappointing. According to some posters I dont have boundaries. I don't expect people to agree hence me raising the ask for comments. But I certainly don't expect vilification and presumptions. I was really hoping for advice and constructive comments. Certainly not degrading ones.

I'm not embarrassed by being called gay. Simply shocked that another parent would tell their child I am! Which got back to my child!

It's easy to judge and vilify. Not so easy to be understanding or caring from what I gather!

I don't think I'll continue the friendship. This is based on a lack of trust, maturity (speaking to child before me), discrimination and drama.

We live in a sad world. Thanks to all those who were constructive. You rock, whether I agreed or not!

Banterlope did you frame it like the OP, who:

laughed and said we would cosy up in my bed, with the tv and some wine after the pub.

And were the guys you invited into bed aquaintances of a few months, whom you'd met at a support group for children?

Erm… no I didn't and the circumstance were different. It was either share a bed or sleep on the floor after too much booze; no one wants that so it made sense at the time. I just think OP is getting a harsh deal for her wording and/or unawareness of how the proposition could be interrupted

Well it would seem that the OP's aquaintance was jolly glad to interupt the proposition, so all's well there.

The woman sounds a bit repressed and should have been more direct with you about her misunderstanding.

I'd talk to your daughter though, as it's a bit troubling that the idea that you might be a lesbian has made her aggressive towards you.

OP would you make the same suggestion to a platonic male friend?

I’m sorry you have experienced DV and moving on after such a long time is huge, so well done you for doing it, but honestly, your suggestion to your friend was very unusual if it wasn’t intended as a come on.

It would never have occurred to me to think you might be a lesbian or there was anything else implied to what you suggested.

I understand you OP, in that my group of friends are like that. We all get in to bed and have wine at the end of a night sometimes two or three of us. I am gay but that's just a coincidence, the friends I do this with are straight. However, none of us would suggest doing that with a friend who were weren't as close with or didn't already know that we can be like that as a group! She is probably not used to it, and may herself be embarrassed to have assumed you were coming on to her

Daughter mirrored husbands behaviour. Agression not due to this issue. Only exacerbated.

We all get a funny feeling about people and it was very chilled with friend. She is very much into men and so am I. Her reaction was unprecedented. My bad, again, clearly.

I don't know why you're shocked she would assume that though? To ask that a friend would get in bed with you to " cosy up" and that they would not at least assume there's the possibility you may be coming onto her, does suggest you have an issue with boundaries. No offence.
I think it's fine with a friend you've known years and close to but to a new friend you don't know well, it would appear strange.

And yes... i have done rhis with male friends. Who have been friends for many years!

Well even if I did think it was a come on I wouldn't go home and tell my children about it. She doesn't seem to have great boundaries herself