Friend told her daughter I was a lesbian!

[Flyingbytheseatofmyknickers15]

Hey lovelies!

Slightly difficult conversation. I have a friend who I met through a DV group which our children were a part of. We had a girls night one evening and I offered her to stay over. I laughed and said we would cosy up in my bed, with the tv and some wine after the pub. She declined.

Afterwards, she told her daughter she thinks I'm gay because of saying she could stay in my bed. Her daughter told my daughter that her mum thinks I'm gay. 🙄🙄🙄

I'm very much a dance in yer knickers with your mates, kinda woman.

I cut ties with her, because I feel that actually, as humans, we should be solid and supportive towards one another and it caused issues with my daughter who asked me about it. My daughter has been very aggressive towards me at times following the separation between me and her dad. This situation exacerbated it.

My friend from the DV group has recently contacted me. Should I cut her off or be honest and explain? We had fun as friends but aren't very close. Should I make the effort?

OP, it seems like you’re hell bent on defending your viewpoint and not listening. It may be normal and pleasant for you, but for the vast majority of women (as you can see from reactions here) this would be very abnormal. Your friends interpretation is very reasonable for a new friendship.

When people are telling you to look at your boundaries, it can mean think about how this will appear to others. Yes you think it’s great, but it will be misinterpreted hugely by many and either make them uncomfortable or start down a path you didn’t intend.

Yes it’s great to be that comfortable with others but it’s more of a lifetime friendship type of thing.

You literally suggested Netflix and chill. Plus wine.

Perfectly put. :o

Anyone else think OP's post of n 03-Nov-19 21:37:58 Sounds like an OLD profile?

You sound controlling, OP. Everything on your terms - all back to yours and you dish out the care you think is needed.

But

If anyone declines it's off with their heads.

I know troll hunting is against the rules. So I’m not going to say what I’m thinking/hoping

But some would think the dancing in pants/snuggling by candlelight, drinking wine and giggling sounds more like a dodgy man’s vision of a night in between two women rather than a legitimate female poster. 🤔

Now, now - don't be so mean to a first time poster!

But some would think the dancing in pants/snuggling by candlelight, drinking wine and giggling sounds more like a dodgy man’s vision of a night in between two women rather than a legitimate female poster.

Pillow fight in our knickers anyone? I'm with Anna Kendrick...

I've shared a bed plenty of times with female friends after a night out, sometimes in various states of undress depending on how drunk we have been but I have never thought "She must be a lesbian" if a female friend has said I can sleep in her bed.

Perhaps that's because I've known them a long time though; In your situation OP I would definitely inform this person of how the thing they said annoyed you and caused problems with your daughter. That way she at least has the opportunity to explain herself but in her defence I would think she just assumed it genuinely was a come-on because you hadn't known each other long, it doesn't sound as if she was intentionally being malicious.

How do you know she told her daughter?? The daughter might of overheard her ?

Can’t believe that someone who thinks they are so hip and cool didn’t just laugh it off but ghosted friend instead

There are some stupid homophobic responses on here. Even if you were a lesbian - So what? The point that many are choosing to miss is, it's not a conversation she needed to have with her DD at all. If she hadn't then your DD wouldn't have been subjected to 'your mum' s a lesbian' talk. Your sexual orientation is nothing to do with her DD. She sounds rude and ignorant, I wouldn't be bothered about losing her friendship.

For someone who just wants to spread love and compassion, your cutting her off, without any explanation, you're going an odd way about it.

If you were such close friends, you'd have spoken to her about it, she would apologise for mentioning it to her daughter (how old are the girls, in their teens? Several people have asked.) you'd forgive her, and your friendship would be saved, and possibly even stronger.

If someone suggested this to me I wouldn’t think lesbian. I would think inappropriate over familiarity from someone I really don’t know that well. That would make me very uncomfortable

As an actual lesbian I would NEVER suggest this to a friend, straight or gay! If I was attracted to someone I’d ask them out for a drink or dinner - sitting around in knickers with them straight off is a bit previous...

I think it's irrelevant if someone thinks your gay, just as irrelevant if they think you're straight, I don't understand the daughter issue, as the op isn't keen to explain, which is fair.

Clearly none of us know how else the op behaved during the evening, which may have contributed to this woman's feeling.

The only thing that can clearly be said is this woman is someone the op doesn't know well at all. The woman doesn't even know the ops sexuality. As such, there is a boundary issue here. You don't invite people you hardly know into your bed to drink. The fact you're in group therapy together and share things with the group doesn't change that dynamic and suddenly mean your bff.

I think simply op you over stepped a boundary here, too full on too quickly, and it's confused her, and you didn't take the time to understand or acknowledge her boundaries.

I would be very worried for anyone who think acceptable to raise their kids - especially daughter - believing that someone inviting them to "cosy up under a duvet with a glass of wine" is not a come on!

Completely inappropriate and actually quite dangerous, borderline stupid. It IS a very clear invitation. Stop being a child and imagine a man telling this to your own daughter.

You might have giggly girly fun with your girlfriends (Christ, it's embarrassing with a grown up but hey ho), but it happens organically - not inviting near strangers in your own bed.

Yes, you teach your kids "no means no", but you also teach them not to put themselves in ridiculously stupid situations - at best saves awkwardness.

The only time I've ever drunk wine in bed with a woman is when we've been doing the do. Same as with men.

My friends are taken care of without judgement or undertones.
And
It's not all black and white. Sometimes a bit of colour in the vision can do wonders....

But you're not doing either of these things with regards to your friend OP. You've heard, third hand from your dd (ie chinese whispers), about something your friend apparently said, and instead of speaking to her about it and attempting to clear up what seems to me to be just a big misunderstanding, you've judged her, read undertones into what she meant by what she said, and have blocked her.
You're clearly seeing things as black and white in that you have your view of what you meant by your invitation, and are refusing to see that others (including your friend) might view it differently. I think you should read back all your posts about what kind of person you claim you are, and really think about whether that's how you have acted towards your friend on this occasion.

She thinks you came onto her ( "come and cosy up in bed"). You think you were just being friends in your usual way ( "come and cosy up in bed ")

This woman seems to fall somewhere between a friend ( you've shared very personal experiences in a DV ) and an acquaintance ( you met her by chance in a DV group) but she doesn't know you well enough to know this is your usual friendly behaviour.

She has mentioned / told her daughter. Without us knowing more here I think you need to give her the benefit of doubt that it was more

" It is awkward with OP because she came onto me"
rather than
" OP is a lesbian!" and therefore needlessly discussing your sexuality for the sake of it.

These chinese whispers have come via two ( emotional) teenage daughters so I think you are playing with fire using them as judgement on this other woman.

It all depends how much you want to re establish this 'friendship'. Maybe because the two DDs are invested ( they seem to be ) you could put the effort in to have chat and explain what you really meant by "cosy up in bed with wine". You seem very confident and relaxed about your friendship circle and behaviour so I don't think that will be hard for you to do.

@DeeCeeCherry

There are some stupid homophobic responses on here. Even if you were a lesbian - So what?

Can you point out some of the homophobic responses? I haven’t seen any.

After all, we all need self-care, whichever way we get it. At least I wasn't scared to pass on some lovely self-care techniques. Id rather be branded forever than lose the opportunity to pass on caring and good friendship.

In what way were you branded? Your friend appears to have told her daughter that you're a lesbian, but that isn't branding. It's possible that what has offended you is that she thought your offer was sexual when it wasn't and that you'd have been equally offended if you'd invited a man to snuggle under the duvet and he'd also thought it was a come on, rather than some fun self care. Or you could be offended that she's discussing your sexuality with other people, but none of these things is branding.

Get yer duvets out and light some candles with your lovely friends. You won't regret it, I promise. 😁 (Maybe buy them some flowers too or is that just wayyyyy too misleading?!?!?!)

I sometimes buy flowers for my friends. I don't want to get under the duvet with them and light candles. Candles aren't really my thing and the only person I want to be under the duvet with is my DP. You can label me uptight or whatever for this if you want to. Personally I just think we're all different and that, at nearly 50, I've got a pretty good idea of what I do and don't enjoy. And once again, whilst this is what you want to do and it's fine, it's fairly obviously open to misinterpretation and you might just want to acknowledge that instead of deciding there's something wrong with anyone who disagrees with you.

I have only shared a bed with friends when a student, or when staying at a hotel. Whilst your offer was platonic and innocent, I too would have found it odd, and a come on. Op I think you have to appreciate that whilst this was usual behaviour for you, and for others on this thread, for many of us if a man or woman made this suggestion then I would see it as an invitation for potential sexual activity.

Looking at it from the other woman's perspective - she was very vulnerable, having experienced DV and who knows what else. She joined a group for support, then within a few months one of the other members came on to her, in a situation where she should have been safe, and free from sexual approaches. Remember it's not just about your intentions (which I accept were simply friendly and platonic), but it's also about her perceptions of the situation and how it left her feeling. It's not surprising (although not entirely appropriate) that she felt she needed to offload to her daughter.

What I can't quite grasp is your DD's anger about this. Is it the suggestion that you are a lesbian, the thought of you moving on from the relationship with her father, or simply the fact that people were talking about her Mum? Regardless, I fully appreciate how anger can manifest in children when there has been DV and a relationship breakdown. IME with support, this does improve greatly with time.

The crux of the matter now is the recent contact from the friend - do you want to renew the friendship with her? If not, then fine, but if you do, I think you need to apologise to her for your suggestions being misconstrued and possibly causing distress, but also let her know how your DD reacted to things. If you do decide to pursue contact again, perhaps suggest meeting for a coffee or going to for a walk initially. Something that will seem much more "safe" for her, and that doesn't involve alcohol.

So you weren't actually friends then OP. You don't block and cut off a good friend for something like this. The fact you've dropped her so quickly shows she was no more a friend to you, then you to her.

Me and a friend were once put in double bed room (king size bed) instead of a twin room. I really didn’t mind sharing (it was one night), but friend was more uncomfortable with it.

I wasn’t upset that friend didn’t want to share with me. We’re all different. I grew up with sisters, she was the only girl so probably didn’t have to share as a kid.