Friend told her daughter I was a lesbian!

[Flyingbytheseatofmyknickers15]

Hey lovelies!

Slightly difficult conversation. I have a friend who I met through a DV group which our children were a part of. We had a girls night one evening and I offered her to stay over. I laughed and said we would cosy up in my bed, with the tv and some wine after the pub. She declined.

Afterwards, she told her daughter she thinks I'm gay because of saying she could stay in my bed. Her daughter told my daughter that her mum thinks I'm gay. 🙄🙄🙄

I'm very much a dance in yer knickers with your mates, kinda woman.

I cut ties with her, because I feel that actually, as humans, we should be solid and supportive towards one another and it caused issues with my daughter who asked me about it. My daughter has been very aggressive towards me at times following the separation between me and her dad. This situation exacerbated it.

My friend from the DV group has recently contacted me. Should I cut her off or be honest and explain? We had fun as friends but aren't very close. Should I make the effort?

laughed and said we would cosy up in my bed, with the tv and some wine after the pub. She declined.

I mean, I have a friend I have done that with. But we've known each other since we were 6 and we grew up having sleepovers, dvd evenings etc.
Same for my siblings...

but from pretty much anyone else? Yes, sounds like a pick up line!!

Should she have told her dd about her assumption? Maybe. Maybe not. But being gay isn't anything negative. Nor was it any kind of malicious gossip. And... Is it possible that she assumed you were 'out'? Seeing as she may have thought that you were quite openly suggesting a hook up?

I'm sorry your dd was aggressive towards you. But that's really not on your friend imo....

And tbh, I really think that she may have believed that you were out and proud in regards to your homosexuality (or bisexuality, I guess).

My sister has been gay forever, which has been open to my children since they were born! Its normal life, is it not?!

Bearing in mind we both suffered DV, we discussed very difficult issues surrounding our husbands.

I'm really shocked at the back lash on here. Sexuality isn't the issue. I just wanted to have a nice evening, snivelling with a crappy cold or not! Let alone my daughter, who has had so much to bear, having to feel like questioning me!

I was just trying to be a nice friend. I dont have airs or graces and love to have a nattter with a blanket, few candles and a bottle of wine. I didn't see the difference?!

Why has it affected you and your dd so much? How old is your dd? You're not a lesbian, but who cares if someone thinks you are?

And I also would have assumed you were coming onto me. Inviting someone into your bed seems romantic. Why not on the sofa?

It’s the cosying up I don’t get OP - imo you do that with someone you love like your child or partner.

Boundaries OP.

Develop some.

She told her daughter I walked her to sleep in my bed and she thinks I'm gay.

It was not in that context at all! Very much a 'what film could we watch, fancy a tub of ice cream?!' Jobbie.

Is your dd getting the support she needs?

Because you do deserve to be in a loving relationship (if you want to). Whether that's with a man, woman... Getting aggressive towards you due to assuming that you might be getting that could be understandable (I'm assuming that your dd may have had a bit of a rough time besed on you being in a dv violence group? Or maybe that's me being presumptuous, sorry) but it still wouldn't excuse her getting aggressive towards you....

I think this is a misunderstanding and weird that she felt the need to share it with her daughter? I had a friend like you OP—she would have suggested exactly what you did and there would have been nothing sexual behind it. She was also the kind of person who would see nothing wrong with sharing a changing room when we went clothes shopping or a bathroom stall at the club or whatever. But if your friend isn’t used to that kind of friendship (TBH it’s not the kind of friendship I’m comfortable with but I also don’t make assumptions because we’re all different) then I’m guessing she just got the wrong end of the stick. Just talk to her about it. It’s pretty bad form for her to speak to her daughter about it before she had straightened things out with you. I mean nothing wrong with being a lesbian! But to turn it into gossip is unkind.

OP, given the context in which you met, it sounds like you have all had a huge amount to deal with. for you.

You asked whether this issue was enough grounds to cut off contact with her. That’s up to you, but if you think you could value her friendship I think it’s worth seeing if you can stay friends.

Your comment was obviously meant innocently, but it’s also not surprising she read more into it. As I expect you know all too well, often people who have been victims of domestic violence have had their boundaries trampled on and it takes time to reestablish them and recalibrate things. Meanwhile, this kind of thing can happen, with people coming across as over forward or over sensitive.

I hope things work out for you all.

Is it possible, then, that it's just a complete case of crossed wires, Flyingby? I have female friends whom I love dearly and with whom I could talk endlessly - but nothing would possess me to get under a blanket with candles with them (would definitely do the bottle of wine, though). We sit at the kitchen table and talk. Perhaps it's just that you have different expectations of friendships, and that you and this particular friend aren't really compatible? (Leaving aside your DD's anger about the whole problem, which is understandable after all she has been through).

Wanted not walked!

Sorry op but you sound a bit too much of a hippy free love type.

I really don't think you can say these things to acquaintances and not expect misunderstandings. Imagine if a man you didn't know that well said it to you - would you not think he was coming on to you, just because it's not what casual friends do is it? This is the sort of thing very very good friends do, if both people are ok with it.

Even if I didn't think you were coming on to me your suggestion would have freaked me out.

I have done this with very close platonic female friends but only when i've known them years.

Do you think DV might have messed with your boundaries a bit and possibly hers too? I know since i went through it i either open up and trust people far too much far too soon, or i shut down.

I do think boundaries might be an issue for you OP (I also think they might be for your friend if she is telling her DC so much but that's another story) as you keep conflating things that are totally different

It's nothing to do with airs and graces, or your sister.

It's about the fact you said something that was very easily mistaken for a come-on, and instead of thinking 'whoops, how embarrassing, I got that wrong' you are pretending it's all about how 'chill' and laid back you are.

You said something that sounded like a come on. Someone thought you were a lesbian.

Stop making it out to be such a big deal. It does make it sound as if you think being gay is somehow a big issue. If you don't think that, then I suggest you stop being so shocked and dramatic about someone mistaking you for a lesbian. I assure you, no one cares.

I dont have airs or graces and love to have a nattter with a blanket, few candles and a bottle of wine. I didn't see the difference?!

Yes to that on a sofa. (well, not sure why you'd want candles) but sure.

Have a drink, watch a movie, vege out on a sofa whilst eating Apfelstrudel (or whatever), mulled wine etc? Sure.

Candle light, wine, under the blankets on a bed? That's... Very, very intimate. At least to me. Not everyone will see it that way but yes, I (and apparently many others) would.

You asked her to get smashed, and cuddle up with movies and wine in bed?

And you are surprised that this got back to your child?

Anyhow. Neither of you did anything wrong. Why don't you just meet for a drink and talk it out? Friendship is beautiful and if you feel like it's worth trying to salvage this one...

Just a bit of miscommunication/ she got the wrong end of the stick! To gossip about it was a shitty thing to do however if she's messaged you I'd simply reply saying you don't appreciate the gossiping you are not gay And was just being friendly.
Depending on her reply to that would determine if I'd cut her off or not.

@mamandematribu To be honest I am surprised that an adult would tell their daughter something like that especially knowing the two kids are friends.

Well, I think it's not ok for someone to gossip to their child, total rubbish.

I don't think my boundaries are wrong. I have really good friends and a great network. I was with H for 18 years.

When you talk about your husbands in the way we did, I was very shocked and surprised she felt this was potentially a come on.

To all those who have never cuddled in a blanket with their mates, laughed until dawn and lit a few candles for a lovely chilled ambience. I suggest you try it! It's very lovely!

Ps love the branding... especially hippie! Branding is the down fall of our society! I'm just a human bean!

If another woman invited me to cosy up in her bed and drink wine I would have arrived at the same conclusion. I doubt that this other woman would have kept quiet about it. I certainly wouldn't have.

You have only yourself to blame for suggesting such a thing. It has nothing to do with being 'solid and supportive'.

To all those who have never cuddled in a blanket with their mates, laughed until dawn and lit a few candles for a lovely chilled ambience. I suggest you try it! It's very lovely!

I have, with friends I've known for 30 years.

Friends I've known for 5 minutes - err, no.

😂 OP your offer of wine, candles and bed definitely sounds like a come on. If anyone offered me that I'd expect some sort of sexual encounter! Sounds like crossed wires though with your intentions and how your friend interpreted it. I wouldn't lose a friend over this.

Just to add, I knew her for a few months for the group and for a while after it ceased. But the context of our conversations were very personal. Our children were attending a group for children exposed to DV, as you can imagine this was an emotive subject.

Pulled close by difficult/similar situations. Certainly not in any sexual capacity!