Friend told her daughter I was a lesbian!

[Flyingbytheseatofmyknickers15]

Hey lovelies!

Slightly difficult conversation. I have a friend who I met through a DV group which our children were a part of. We had a girls night one evening and I offered her to stay over. I laughed and said we would cosy up in my bed, with the tv and some wine after the pub. She declined.

Afterwards, she told her daughter she thinks I'm gay because of saying she could stay in my bed. Her daughter told my daughter that her mum thinks I'm gay. 🙄🙄🙄

I'm very much a dance in yer knickers with your mates, kinda woman.

I cut ties with her, because I feel that actually, as humans, we should be solid and supportive towards one another and it caused issues with my daughter who asked me about it. My daughter has been very aggressive towards me at times following the separation between me and her dad. This situation exacerbated it.

My friend from the DV group has recently contacted me. Should I cut her off or be honest and explain? We had fun as friends but aren't very close. Should I make the effort?

I’ve been in bed with lots of my friends, male and female, shared beds platonically 100 times when we’ve been short of space or chatting late/jump in to say hello and have a cuppa in the morning if there’s been a sleepover. Not exactly cuddled up but comfortably lounging under the duvet together. Not weird in my world at all OP, especially if a bit pissed!

Also it’s understandable that you don’t want people gossiping about your sexuality in any capacity to your child, when you’ve already been through an incredibly hard time and had your family torn apart by DV. I didn’t get the impression you’re upset about the implications of being thought gay from your OP.

Surely its the fact that she was gossiping to her daughter about you at all thats the problem, rather than the content of the gossip? Obviously it depends on the ages of the children involved

(posted too soon) but it doesn't seem that appropriate to be gossiping about your friends to your children

Fine costing up with your best mate or your daughter but not someone you met at a group and are not that close with. I don’t actually cost up with anyone other than my kids or a partner so I would find it odd if you suggested it to me too.

“Do friends not watch a film, cosied in a duvet laughing their heads off these days? Am I just a traditionalist?!”

Can’t wait for Nethuns to sort their shit out.

Op rather than just going “Wow again!!!!!111!” Maybe read the replies

Not costing obviously

Surely you can see how asking someone, male or female, to cosy up in bed with tv and wine is suggestive ?

If you had said let’s go back to mine and have a few drinks and watch tv and you can crash on the sofa if you want would be more platonic than suggesting cosying up in bed with wine!!!

I do get it to a point. My best friend since I was 12? Wouldn't bat an eyelid. My relatively new friend? I would take that as a bit of a come on tbh.

I've never cosied up under a blanket watching films with my friends lol. We've shared beds when you get but didn't cuddle haha. Maybe rephrase how you meant it to come across OP. I wouldn't cut your friend off thought, just a miscommunication.

Harsh judgements, op has been through dv and think it would make you more vulnerable/closer to someone in the same situation. Also some people are more touchy feely than others. I would never tell my daughter I thought her friends mum was gay if I didn’t know for sure. It’s not a judgement..being gay is fine, but it is gossip that your child could and did relay, that her own daughter was not aware of. Being a child at the centre of dv is tough, of course she’s experiencing anger issues.

OP, you sound to have very different attitudes to this and it was just a big misunderstanding. Why don’t you sort it out and move on? I can understand that it is embarrassing and that you are upset that your DD is upset, but maybe you could use this to have a discussion with DD about different attitudes and expectations?

To be honest, I would have thought this was a proposition. I am very touchy with DCs and DH, hug them all the time and when DH is away, one or two of DCs seem to end up sleeping in my bed. However, I would never invite any adult to drink wine and watch a film in bed except possibly my best friend (who I have known for 30 years). If you asked a man to share your bed and drink wine, he would probably think there was something more involved. Why would a woman you don’t know very well think the same?

How old are the daughters? I can easily see the mum telling her teenage daughter that she wasn’t sure about you because you invited her into your bed to watch a movie and the daughter extrapolating that you’re a lesbian. Do you know that she actually told her DD you’re a lesbian or did she assume?

I feel you're missing the point OP. Your friend never assumed you were gay and then cut you off or bad mouthed you or told her daughter to not speak your daughter. She just said she thought you might be gay. It seems to be you that's making the issue by 'cutting her off'. You are the one that's coming across as the homophobe by taking the comment as an insult.

The posters who are saying this is normal, then I'm assuming these are people they know well. This woman doesn't even know the ops sexuality.

Op, in future, until a friend ship is cemented, then the normal way to behave is to say " you want to come back to mine, we can drink some wine, maybe watch a movie, don't worry I will take the couch"

Once you know each other well enough, then you can invite that person to cosy up on your bed and drink wine, but as she doesn't even know your sexuality then this isn't someone you know well at all. And to suggest something like this, then you need to know the person and their boundaries.

I've also shared a bed with friends, my daughter also does it often. But this was during my teen/student years and not when we had additional space.

I think you sound fab Op ! I think the friend has over-reacted to this, made a drama out of nothing and in the meantime very much upset your dd. I would, for the sake of what could possibly be a good friendship considering what you have both been through, give her chance. Explain how you feel about things but don't change, you sound like a right laugh. She can like it or lump it ! I'd share a bed with vino and TV with anyone !

Thank you! I really appreciate your comments. I am a chilled person, possibly naive in ways??

I have read all the replies. I just feel that if you're mates and you know your motivations, it's normal? She clearly read my motivations wrong? I wasn't expecting this, at all. I just don't see what's weird with chilling with your mates and having a laugh? Bed or not? Again, maybe that's my naivety. But with so much crap in the world, can friends not be friends without stupid things constantly in place to cause bias and/or judgement?

I blinking love being warm in my bed, with the tv on and a glass of wine in hand?! Giggling with a mate, makes it ultra awesome!

I have four DC who really have been through the mill. Being open, honest and caring is what is a massive healer. I just like being with my friends be it cuddled in blankets or chilling by the fire in my garden?!

Ok, I sound totally naive!

I would assume if someone asked me into their bed, they were coming onto me.

I also think, given this is quite a casual friend, it was inappropriate.

I sometimes share a bed with platonic good friends (eg., if it's a cheaper option at a hotel), but I think that is very different from making the offer ad hoc at the end of an evening in the pub.

I am a lesbian, FWIW. You sound a bit homophobic.

What sort of Mum tells her DC that someone has asked her into their bed? Whether platonic or not, it's not something I'd discuss with my kids

I think maybe the "cosy up" has confused things. I can see how that might have been taken the wrong way. For example, if a man suggested we cosy up - even without the being in a bed and watching films, I'd probably assume he was looking for something more intimate. And if you don't fancy someone for whatever reason, cosying up might seem like it could create an awkward situation.

Similarly, maybe she's getting back in touch because she's decided she does actually fancy you and hopes you'll ask again. ;)

If anyone of either sex invited me to do that l'd think they were on the pull ... Wine on the sofa - fine, wine and coseying up in bed - um, make excuse and flee. Same goes for dancing in your pants - sorry!
I don't see why you're pissed off that she thought you were gay though - surely it's just crossed wires? Talk to her and straighten things out ...

Cross post.

But with so much crap in the world, can friends not be friends without stupid things constantly in place to cause bias and/or judgement?

Do you not realise how fucking rude this is?

Being a lesbian is not a 'stupid thing'. Nor does it have anything to do with the 'crap' in the world. Nor does it indicate 'bias or judgement' that someone thought you were a lesbian.

Do you regularly ask men into your bed like this?

Perhaps what you misjudged was the closeness of your friendship? If you felt close to her but she saw you as more of a casual friend, that would account for your very different attitudes. She was still wrong about the gossip though, obviously.

I am sorry for everything you and your DC have been through, OP. I also left an abusive marriage.

However, there's nothing in a billion universes which would convince me to suggest to a female friend that she stay over, in my bed, for any reason whatsoever. The same would go for a male friend.

I do realise that people have very different lives and expectations. However, if a friend suggested this to me, I'd back off at a million miles an hour, and would probably tell my DC (all older teenagers) that my female friend had tried it on with me. I wouldn't say anything if they were younger, though.

This is nothing about being gay or lesbian, btw (DC1 is gay). It's more about having received what would have felt like a proposition from someone I thought was just a friend, whether they be male or female.

I think the way you've worded it sounds like a come on.

I've crashed at a friend and slept in the same bed but it's never been "come back to my place and we can cosy up in my bed with wine and tv". It's been a "shit you've missed the last bus, you're free to crash mine ive only the one bed though so if you don't wannna share there's the sofa"

My husband has said if a male mate suggested he go back to his place after the pub to cosy up in bed and watch tv together, he'd very much see it as a come on too.

Only a close friend would offer me their place for the night too. It would feel even more like a come on when someone I'm not close to invited me to share their bed and get cosy with them. I've also never been asked to dance in my knickers by any friend.

I wouldn't have told anyone you are gay though but your daughter being aggressive with you about it sounds worrying and isn't your friends fault. Is anything being done to tackle this?

I'd probably say you've been minsunerstikf and didn't invite her to cosy up and drink wine etc because you wanted to fuck her and ask to forget about it start again if you want to be friends still, or apologise about the misunderstanding, mention your dd has some serious issues you need to help her with so maybe not the right tone to be starting new close friendships and move on?