To be told it wouldn't be good to go for an afternoon meal with my 6 week old

[Coconutbug]

Its my friends birthday next week and she wants to go out for a Sunday roast. The place she has chosen has a children menu.
She has just text me to ask if I'm coming because they need to put down a deposit.
I haven't seen any of this group of friends since before baby was born through one reason or another. None of them have children.
I have a 6 week old exclusively breast fed baby and I said yes I can come but will need to bring baby and pram.
Her response I'd love to see you and meet baby but I don't think that will be good because it's an upmarket place.

Granted it is quite fancy but if it has a children's menu it doesn't make me think twice about taking a baby.

AIBU???

She should realize that inviting a mother with a 6 week old means inviting the baby. I would decline and know that you are making the best choices for your child

This makes no sense, I'm sorry, plenty of women are able to go out for a few hours with a six week old. I could. Not everyone breast feeds and plenty have a partner or family to support. And she can't decline, the host has uninvited her already. The invite was for her alone. Not for her and any of her kids.

I’m constantly amazed that there are people so lacking in awareness that they can’t possibly imagine that not everyone is fascinated by their babies/ children! how about just being supportive and congratulating/ celebrating a friend on their life choices. I am able to take an interest with my child free friends on their dating, celebrate their first homes, their promotions- if you can’t support a friend you aren’t a friend! Children seem to be a great excuse for people to act like assholes!

Your friend sounds horrible! If she was a proper friend then she wouldn't think twice about you bringing your baby.

She should realize that inviting a mother with a 6 week old means inviting the baby.

Or maybe, some people should realise that friends with no children going out for someone’s birthday lunch isn’t a ‘bring your baby’ kind of occasion. Besides why ‘should’ the friend realise that? (If that was really the case, which I don’t think it is) - before I had DS I would have had no idea what a six week old needed/ how often they fed etc I would have easily presumed, like many people without children who don’t spend much time with babies, that a mum could leave a 6 week old for a few hours if childcare was available. Not wrongly either - you can do this.

She wants a birthday lunch without children or babies there. Perfectly reasonable. If a bloke said the same thing (he wouldn’t as no male would even think of taking a 6 week old baby (bottlefed obviously) we would question it and would just think they want to have fun in an adult way/environment. Before I had kids I would have hated going out to an expensive restaurant and having a 6 week old breast fed baby join us. Just would have changed the dynamics.

Your friend isn't being a dick, she probably did think you might be able to nip out for a couple of hours (there is always expressing too) and she probably hasn't thought that much about the ins and outs of your feeding. And I say this as someone who is about to give birth. It is one thing meeting up with a couple of the girls for lunch with the baby, it's another thing wheeling a big old pram over to a table full of ladies wanting to get on the prosecco and catch up with each other. It does change the dynamic and with the best will in the world the baby will probably absorb some of your attention and could cry/fuss and just distract everyone. I don't think that is saying they don't want to meet your baby - it's just not the right occasion.

You are of course totally reasonable to say you can't. She just wanted to give you the option to come with the invite but will surely understand. I don't think it's wrong the way she has said it - firstly I do think a kid's menu is a different thing than being totally baby friendly, and secondly she has said in pretty stark terms that she thinks it would not be an appropriate setting, she has just done it in a way that she will perceive as being a bit more tactful and assume that you can read between the lines on.

Why don't you politely decline and arrange another time to meet up with her and a couple of close friends so they can meet the baby?

What if the friend decided she wanted to have her birthday celebration in a nightclub, or heavy metal gig, would you still want to take the baby?
Just because they can go, doesn't mean they are welcome.
Hell I have an 18yr old, she can go anywhere but she's not welcome when I'm out with my friends.

OP having a child often means missing things if you cant get child care.

You chose to have a child and are happy to plan around the children. They dont want to plan around children, which is why they havent had them.

And yes, I would ask my friends kids to be quiet if they were interrupting. I wojlsnt be offended if my friends did the same to ds.

She doesn't want you to being the baby, which is fine. It's also fine not to go if you don't want to leave the baby. No problems at all.

Just dont go. Have a take away and netflix at home instead. So much bother and for what? A dick of a friend.

Your friend sounds horrible! If she was a proper friend then she wouldn't think twice about you bringing your baby.

Really, you can’t imagine friends wanting a childfree celebration lunch? I have kids, I wouldn’t want my children with me at a nice adult birthday lunch and would be pretty unimpressed if a friend thought it appropriate to bring her 6 week old baby. A “proper friend” would know bringing their baby would completely change the tone of the lunch and arrange childcare.

I think the overall thing is yes I fully appreciate people want to do things without babies! I know that the world doesn't revolve around me and my child. Infact Ive made a conscious effort when we do meet up not to mention the children unless they are brought up by a member of the group. Usually I meet up with them on my own and no children. I prefer it this way usually, nice to have some adult time
I would have hoped that people wanted to see me enough that it is okay for baby to be there aswell as at this point I don't feel I can leave him.

It is definitely frustrating to get interuppted by children however during a 2 hour visit I don't think it's unreasonable for my child to need to say a few things lol (I'm hungry, thirsty, need to wee etc) she's mostly happy playing on her own. Sometimes just asking if she can have a cuddle or sit on their lap while we chat - do I sound ridiculous here lol.

I agree that child free people may not know about feeding etc however this also happened with my first while we were establishing supply so thought they may understand more this time round!

Your friend sounds horrible! If she was a proper friend then she wouldn't think twice about you bringing your baby

That's rubbish, being friends with someone doesn't mean you have a sacrifice your grown up only birthday meal for a baby you haven't even met. You know nothing about the friend, for all you know she may be battling infertility, a recent miscarriage, a dislike of babies or whatever, it doesn't make her a horrible person. As far as the OP has said she's been polite about it

Slightly off the point here but children’s menu does not equal child friendly. Baby changing facilities does not mean baby friendly. Having worked in several ‘fancy’ restaurants I can assure that just because they might be able to produce an Ella’s Kitchen pouch on request doesn’t mean the staff/other patrons are happy to be surrounded by babies and small children.

You can't easily leave an EBF baby for hours at six weeks. That's prime cluster feeding age and it's tempting fate. But I don't think it's unreasonable of the friend not to want a baby there, either, tbh. You're not unreasonable to feel you can't leave the baby for that length of time, but she's not unreasonable to want it to be adults only, either.

I'd just apologise that you can't come, because at this age babies need to feed almost constantly so she can't be left for long, and you'll catch up properly when she's a little older and can be left for a better stretch of time.

Congratulations on your newborn.

Sorry, he. I somehow missed that he was a boy!

I would have hoped that people wanted to see me enough that it is okay for baby to be there aswell as at this point I don't feel I can leave him.

They do want to see you. You were invited . But it's her birthday and she wants an adults only lunch. You can see them another time.

Despite what PP have said I do not think there a plenty of women who would leave a 6 week old baby for a jolly.

I think what's being said is more could than would. Many women are even back at work at this stage and yes leaving a baby for a couple of hours with a partner or a family member is fine.

The desire to do so is different, and individual. But many childless men and women would not think a lunch party invite for adults is an automatic extension to bring your kids. At whatever age or for whatever reason.

It's fine for a man or woman to say it's an adult only event. This doesn't mean The friends don't want to meet the ops child, but it's simply not th right time or place.

So to sum up really I appreciate it may not be reasonable for me to bring baby - which is fine. However I think I would feel less offended if she said I'd prefer it to be child free rather than blaming it on the venue, considering it is a Sunday afternoon.
I don't think it would be a 'meet the baby' as nome of them are that bothered about meeting him or they would of done so by now. Quite frankly, they have organised things and told me that even going to a house for an evening is not suitable to 'bring the baby' so looks like I won't be seeing them for a while.

I just wish that they realised this period was temporary and I'm not expecting to bring him to everything all the time, just while he is so little.

Thanks for all your replies.

It’s clear many of the people on this board have no idea of the realities of breastfeeding. That isn’t a dig at individuals. It is a huge societal problem. Clearly more education is needed because the breastfeeding rates will remain abysmal until people start to understand.

"I agree that child free people may not know about feeding etc however this also happened with my first while we were establishing supply so thought they may understand more this time round!"

To be honest they probably switched off when you were talking about it. Talking about feeding babies is of zero interest to anyone not doing it at that moment in time. I've had 2 kids. I have no interest whatsoever in someone "establishing supply". I had even less before I had kids. It's a bit baby bore to talk to them about that

Quite frankly, they have organised things and told me that even going to a house for an evening is not suitable to 'bring the baby' so looks like I won't be seeing them for a while.

But sometimes it isnt. If you are having an evening in drinking, its not.

@Purpleartichoke I don't need educating thank you

YABU, you will steal her thunder and little babies (and big babies) are disruptive. it's not the vibe she wants.