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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be told it wouldn't be good to go for an afternoon meal with my 6 week old

739 replies

Coconutbug · 03/11/2019 17:30

Its my friends birthday next week and she wants to go out for a Sunday roast. The place she has chosen has a children menu.
She has just text me to ask if I'm coming because they need to put down a deposit.
I haven't seen any of this group of friends since before baby was born through one reason or another. None of them have children.
I have a 6 week old exclusively breast fed baby and I said yes I can come but will need to bring baby and pram.
Her response I'd love to see you and meet baby but I don't think that will be good because it's an upmarket place.

Granted it is quite fancy but if it has a children's menu it doesn't make me think twice about taking a baby.

AIBU???

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 07/11/2019 12:22

'Please just let others have a discussion.'

Smother please don't dismiss and 'exclude' me.

I shall continue to post if I wish

....As you were.

Pursefirst · 07/11/2019 13:15

Quite right too @MarthasGinYard

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 07/11/2019 13:17

Hey Marthas, are you being deliberately excluded?

Pretty sure that is discrimination! I read it on here.

Grin
Leighhalfpennysthigh · 07/11/2019 15:08

@Coconutbug sorry my post wasn't aimed at you, but the one ignoring me!

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 07/11/2019 15:11

@MarthasGinYard if you get really lucky she'll ignore you whilst making little PA attacks.

JenniR29 · 07/11/2019 15:11

Yes Martha it’s exclusion and discrimination of the highest order, akin to racism! Smother said so herself. Contact your solicitor.

Anotherlongdrive · 07/11/2019 18:08

Excluding women for having babies is an intolerant practice and discriminstory

She wasnr excluded. Popping kids out does not entitle us to attend every event we want.

FrangipaniBlue · 07/11/2019 22:59

It's as if some believe that a baby can be just be put aside, dropped and left

Erm, but they can? I don't understand this whole "mum and baby come as a package and cannot be separated for one minute" why not? In fact, it bloody infuriates me that some women make martyrs of themselves over it.

I get that an ebf baby cannot be left for hours and hours at a time but why not 1-2 hours with dad while mum has lunch with her friends? Dad could even accompany mum to the location of said lunch and take baby for a walk in the pram/sling whatever while mum has an adult child free lunch with friends?

Despite what some mums think (I'm looking at you Smother....) the world does not revolve around you and your newborn.

If OPs friend wants an adults only lunch then that's for OP to decide how she deals with it, but its not an automatic exclusion.

Sashkin · 07/11/2019 23:27

I get that an ebf baby cannot be left for hours and hours at a time but why not 1-2 hours with dad while mum has lunch with her friends?

At six months, they absolutely can. At six weeks, they are still feeding almost constantly. Yes I’m sure there’s somebody out there whose EBF six week old only fed for ten minutes three times a day from birth, but that’s not the norm.

Of course OP’s friend can stipulate she wants an adult-only lunch, but that does mean OP probably can’t go. That coupled with how nasty the friend has been to OP’s toddler, and the fact she has made no effort to see OP in the past six weeks, does make you question the friendship.

MRex · 08/11/2019 07:31

why not 1-2 hours with dad while mum has lunch with her friends
At 6 weeks you won't know when the baby will wake for a feed, so that isn't going to work. It's fine for older babies because their feeds get more predictable. It's so tricky, people who haven't breastfed don't understand how it works, so they think mum is being fussy, while mum actually can't go too far from the baby for a while because the baby could get terribly thirsty, hungry and distressed. It's a shame when friends can't support each other, sometimes these small incidents shine a light on that lack of support and have a long-term effect. I think that's helpful rather than bad, it's always possible to make new friends.

Pandaintheporridge · 08/11/2019 07:33

Saskin, very rare for a 6 month old to be exclusively breastfed though, as will either be on or starting on solids too by then.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 08/11/2019 07:35

Yes but at 6 months their main nutrition is still milk. They may be starting food, but won't normally be getting much from it.

MRex · 08/11/2019 07:52

A six month old has milk as their main nutrition, but they also tend to have more regular breastfeeding times that can be relied on, mum can express milk more easily etc etc. Plus they can be easily distracted with a snack. It's a different world.

Pandaintheporridge · 08/11/2019 07:53

I don't disagree with that, just being pedantic about previous poster's use of the term "ebf" which is obviously different to "bf" which can continue for years as I well know thanks to ds2

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 08/11/2019 13:05

So even the people who know about breastfeeding aren't in agreement as to whether a 6 week old can or can't be left for 1-2hrs and should or shouldn't be exclusively on milk or starting solids.

As for "It's a shame when friends can't support each other"

  • how about assuming they just don't know (highly likely), rather than assuming they are being deliberately nasty?
MRex · 08/11/2019 14:32

@BuzzShitbagBobbly - I think you've misunderstood people's points about 6 month olds. Nobody who breastfeeds has suggested leaving a 6 week old baby, starting the baby on solids (!!!) nor anything else. Your reading comprehension needs some serious work. OP's friend didn't ask a question, she simply said not to bring the baby, I pointed out that she wasn't being supportive, I've no idea why you choose to escalate that to "deliberately nasty".

Original poster
Coconutbug · 08/11/2019 15:26

I don't think anyone would suggest starting a 6 week old on solids!! Eek.
With regards to the leaving baby for 1-2 hours I think opinions do differ in what you feel comfortable with - I can and do leave him when I am close by and can get back quickly. However I didn't ever want to leave my first at this age. (This lunch is too far to do this with)

I pressume that yes many people wouldnt know that you can't necessarily or don't want to leave a baby. I had hoped they would remember this from my firstborn. I don't think she was being deliberately nasty just that she doesn't think the place is suitable for babys.

OP posts:
prawnsword · 08/11/2019 15:35

Babies change the vibe. She doesn’t want a baby lunch, she wants a girls’ lunch. If you cast your mind back to pre-baby days surely you can remember how a baby Present changes the dynamics of the occasion ? Having a baby doesn’t give you the right to not listen or respect your friend’s wishes. You have the choice not to go. She hasn’t said she never wants your baby around, just that on this one day please no.

eddiemairswife · 08/11/2019 15:38

50+ years ago you were advised to start solids at 6 weeks. I'm not saying it was right, but there are plenty of that age around who are still fit and active.

prawnsword · 08/11/2019 15:39

But if you don’t want to leave newborn your don’t have to go. Nobody is forcing you to attend! Has the baby had their shots at 6 weeks? No, so A pub probably isn’t the best place for them.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 09/11/2019 03:52

Gosh, so I accidentally misread 6 weeks and 6 months, terrible disgusting mistake, eh?! Same principle though - thousands of people have absolutely ZERO idea of what babies need on what kind of hourly basis or not. We're not being mean about it, just never needed to know.

I'm not sure you needed to be so disproportionately rude about it though. Maybe your writing ability is on a par with my reading comprehension? Grin

MRex · 09/11/2019 07:45

@BuzzShitbagBobbly - when you make snide and rude comments that don't reflect what anyone else is saying, you should expect replies that reflect your own poor attitude. I was exactly proportional in replying to you, there's no need for you to be dramatising again with "disgusting".

Moominfan · 09/11/2019 07:55

Make plans to see her another tune

Original poster
Coconutbug · 09/11/2019 08:13

@BuzzShitbagBobbly I don't believe it was disproportionately rude. However attacking someone's personal writing ability is.
Thanks though.. I'm quite sleep deprived so making sure everything is grammatically correct is the last thing I'm worried about right now.
Thanks for your comments.

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 09/11/2019 11:57

I wouldn't assume someone was being deliberately nasty either, but I wouldn't exclude them on the basis of ignorance about babies.

It would seem reasonable to take the mothers lead in this, and not be nasty back in judging the mother with such commentary as precious and self-centred, and all about her type rhetoric.

A birthday gathering is poles apart from a new baby life and the early weeks and months.Confused. Its like some anti-baby movement. Its just a baby, why all the hate and rudeness just because babies, and their dms, have needs that do trump a birthday party.

Thats really not just being precious, or self-centred, or any of the other judgements levelled at women with new babies on this thread.

My friends, with babies or not, wouldn't be discriminated against by me and excluded from any gathering. In fact, I'd do my best to accommodate everyone's needs.

Its alien to me that friend's wouldn't do that Confused