Told I look like a man wearing makeup

[Smellbellina]

To be fair I did ask and DD only answered honestly, which is better than the alternative. I scrubbed it off and put my hair up in a ponytail, bunged on jeans, jumper and boots and went to the theatre with them —wearing my dog walking coat to make a point— now I know it’s not DD’s fault and I have told her this but I feel so ashamed. I try to make an effort and I look stupid, I make no effort and I am ugly. I tried to get out of going tonight as I just don’t want to be seen in public. This isn’t actually an option though (work) and I don’t want DD to feel bad although I do think she could learn to be kinder. At the same time I never want to eat or be seen in public ever again!

How old is your DD. Asking for reason btw

11, she was trying to be helpful.

Sen excepted 11yrs is well old enough to know that comment would be hurtful - my 6yr old would know that! There's being honest and there's being cruel, op..... Bet you looked amazing!!

An 11 year old is well old enough to know that that comment was rude, and I'd be having a conversation about it with her.

If you don't wear make up often she might have been reacting to you looking different to normal, it's the sort of daft thing pre-teens can say, but not actually mean. But she needs to know that what she said was unkind & that she needs to think before she says something hurtful.

By the way, I don't know you but I'm absolutely certain that you are not ugly & didn't look stupid at all

11, she was trying to be helpful
I don’t think so.

'To be fair I did ask and DD only answered honestly, '

What did you ask- whether you looked like a man? :/

'and I don’t want DD to feel bad although I do think she could learn to be kinder.'

She ought to feel bad for making that comment- it wasn't very nice.

'she was trying to be helpful.'

How was that at all helpful?

IDK if this has any bearing on people's answers, but are you transgender? Is this why this came up? :/

Right, well what she said wasn’t very nice. But your reaction seems very extreme. There is a whole wide place in between loads of make up and your dog walking coat.
I’m sure you looked absolutely fine, but if you’re not happy you need to work on why that is. Self acceptance isn’t easy but it is something you can work on.
Also maybe consider booking a make up lesson to learn some tips to subtle pretty make up.
And don’t ask pre-teens/teens opinions they know nothing!

Your daughter is rude and hurtful and you should tell her that.

dont feel ugly or ahame or any of those awful things about yourelf! thats exactly the language cruel words spreads.your dd is 11 she should no things like that arent ever the thing to say.
your you,you made an effort and that would mean to anyone with proper eye that you looked lovely.

11. Well then she is old enough to understand the importance of “Thinking before you speak”. To be honest I thought you were going to say she was about 3 years old.

Your dd's 11 years old? What does she know about make up? Wait till she starts putting on the slap!

Complete overreaction on your part OP. FGS don't let this dent your confidence as I'm sure you looked perfectly ok with the make-up you had put on and equally as good without it - but not teamed with a pony tail and a dog-walking jacket for a night at the theatre.

Why not get your make up out, sit down with your dd, and make each other up? She might have a more subtle or steady hand than you but, in any event, it will be fun to see and compare results.

Your DD has said something that is exceptionally rude and ignorant.

she needs to be told that no-one will like her or respect her, if she says shit like that to them.
she needs a very, very good talking to.

Do you know how to do a basic nude makeup look ? How old is your makeup? It could be unflattering outdated colours & poor application style. Look up some YouTube beauty gurus & pick one whose makeup you like & follow their tutorial.

Op at age 11 she will know the difference of whether a comment would hurt another ...plus she may have said it to get a rise out of you..
.has anybody else in your entire life ever said you look like a man in makeup?(I'm guessing they haven't)...then don't take the word of an 11 year old on how you view your looks

If you don't feel confident with makeup, why not go to a makeup counter at boots and have them give you a free demo with the make up so you can see how to apply it to enhance what you like and conceal what you don't..

Also if you book in a beauty salons you could get a makeup done there too, just explain you want your make up applying so you can watch it and get some pointers of how to apply it and what colours work best for you

But op don't feel bad, Ifbi was you I wouldn't have punished myself for her comment (washing off makeup, putting hair in ponytail, wearing dog walking coat, feeling embarrassed and bad about appearance) I'd have held my head high, kept the make up and hair and outfit on, and I'd have had words with the 11 year old along with a punishment (how else will she learn , what of a disabled child at school asks how hey look and she says something hurtful to them....she needs to learn to consider others feelings)

It depends

Did you say to DD

How do I look?

And she said "You look like a man"

Odd, rude and hurtful

Or

Did you say

DD I look like a man don't I?

And she said yes

Very different

VanyaHargreeves,
Great post was just about to post this myself

My kids say hurtful things but when my jaw hits the floor and I say “that’s not very nice” they instantly say they are joking and then reasssure me. I have no idea whether they are joking or not but I also wouldn’t let my 10 year olds comment about my appearance as given. What does she know about make up at 11? Did you ask anyone else?

Gosh my 11 yo dd is a lot more tactful than this. I could imagine her friend saying something similar as she has serious foot in mouth issues.

Did you tell your dd you were upset. I think this is a time to talk. I’m sure you looked perfectly fine. As others have said maybe you need lessons on makeup application, new kit etc.

If DD is used to you almost never wearing makeup, the "change" may have been hard to handle and she may have just snapped out something rude and thoughtless.

I used to hate seeing my mum wearing makeup and I remember a few times telling her she looked horrible! I was a fair bit younger through, probably 7 or 8.

Do you know what shape your face is? If it's square jawed then you might just possible have some facial characteristcs that are usually thought masculine. For example if you have a strong jaw then a bright lipstick might not suit and you'd be better with something more neutral.

If you go on YouTube (I'd have personally rather died than go to Boots and confess my makeup ignorance) and search for "find out your face shape" and then "makeup looks for [my shape] face" you should get some good tips.

I now wear very minimal makeup but enough to show that I've made an effort, IYKWIM. No foundation or powder (I've not found a single one that doesn't make me break out in pimples after using it. I do get rosacea sometimes so I do keep a bottle of Dior's Airflash (which to me is ludicrously expensive, but I use it so infrequently that I can justify it, just for those ocassions where I'm about to go into a client meeting or something and just need something to cover the redness)) Eyeshadow (I use a ELF palette which I got in Superdrug for about £5, I think it's called Shimmer Shine.) Eyeliner - I like to use a liquid pen, in the past I've bought GOSH at about £7 but right now I'm using a Garnier one which was cheaper and seems to last longer. Then finally a GOSH eyebrow pencil. I tend to just put lip balm on, so don't bother with lipstick.

I wear this during the working day 5/6 nights per week and my eyeshadow palette and eyebrow pencil have lasted just over a year so far :D It takes me 2 minutes to put on.

I'm sorry you felt so hurt but I hope you enjoyed the theatre anyway. I defo think you need to talk to your DD though. She must understand at 11yrs that this kind of comment just isn't ever right. It would still have been honest of her to say "I don't like it" but "you look like a man in drag" is very tactless. If she talks to people at school like that, she soon won't have any friends!

Why on earth did you tell her it wasn't her fault? Of course it was her fault that she made a hurtful remark and you should have pulled her up on it immediately.

Anyone who spoke like that to me would not get an outing to the theatre out of it.

She wasn't being helpful or even trying to be. 11 is perfectly old enough to understand just how hurtful and damaging that remark could be. Old enough too to understand the need to think before you speak. So yes, she should be made to feel bad about it. How else is she going to learn this lesson if she hasn't picked it up herself yet?

Just as an afterthought - do you have an issue with things that you consider "girly"?

Growing up, my parents were very dysfunctional and I recognise now that I was conditioned by my dad to reject "girl stuff" and be a tomboy. And that his attention and love were conditional on that. So I got rewarded for helping him lay a line of bricks, but if I helped my mum make dinner then it was all black clouds. (Like I say - they were fucked up.)

But as a result, as an adult I've spent many years feeling panicky and fearful about performing femininity. I've not felt comfortable with the entire concept of skin care, make up, wearing something that isn't trouser shaped. I wore a trouser suit to my own wedding!

Funnily enough I've never been uncomfortable with having sex though

For me it's been making that realisation and then talking myself through my feelings of panic and rejection and (literally out loud) telling myself that nobody is going to reject me for looking into what makeup suits me best and that as an adult I can CHOOSE for myself what I want to wear/look like... and anyone who wants to put me down about it can catch themselves the fuck on.

I distinctly remember thinking my Mum looked really strange in makeup (although I would never have told her so). She rarely wore it, so when she did I thought it looked wrong. I thought other people's mum's looked absolutely fine though- just because I wasn't as attached to their faces!

go to a make up class with dd. then let thatshit go

It sounds like both you and your dd have internalised a very harsh misogynistic view of what a woman ought to look like, and and that is unattainable by ordinary people.

Your face is your own and needs no painting to be acceptable in public. You do not exist for the admiration of others. You are not a thing to be admired that is therefore less valid if not aesthetically pleasing. You bloody well go to the theatre or anywhere you like - you have as much right as anyone to pay for tickets and enjoy the show without giving a damn about what anyone else thinks. Don't equate "making an effort" with trying to fit yourself into a fantasy. Making an effort means being clean (check for BO or halitosis) and neatly presented (proper brush down of clothes to remove dog hair. Check for scuffs, stains, frays and holes in clothes & shoes, hair clean & neat). It should not mean rejecting your natural self and pretending to be something different - you are valid just as you are.

I agree that someone who doesn't usually wear makeup might look strange and 'off ' when made up to their 11 year old. I would have hated to see my mother in makeup and I probably would have told her so. She was perfectly beautiful to me, never wore makeup, and I hate makeup in general (probably partly because my mother never wore it).

I think it is pretty unhealthy to overreact to comments like this from a child that age. Maybe this child hates makeup or thinks the OP looks perfect without it, and I don't think that is a bad thing in itself.