Told I look like a man wearing makeup

[Smellbellina]

To be fair I did ask and DD only answered honestly, which is better than the alternative. I scrubbed it off and put my hair up in a ponytail, bunged on jeans, jumper and boots and went to the theatre with them —wearing my dog walking coat to make a point— now I know it’s not DD’s fault and I have told her this but I feel so ashamed. I try to make an effort and I look stupid, I make no effort and I am ugly. I tried to get out of going tonight as I just don’t want to be seen in public. This isn’t actually an option though (work) and I don’t want DD to feel bad although I do think she could learn to be kinder. At the same time I never want to eat or be seen in public ever again!

I bet you looked lovely. I never wear makeup and my 10 year old told me at my wedding that I had too much on - I think he thought he was being helpful.

I think your reaction is OTT TBH. Never wanting to eat in public and scrubbing your make up off? I don't expect that will help the situation with your DD, it's quite passive aggressive.

I sometimes think kids are the wrong ones to ask how you look. I bet your dd didn’t actually mean you looked like a man. Perhaps it was just the way you wore the makeup, maybe you’d overdone it?

I used to hate when my mum asked me if she looked nice etc when I was a child. Tbh I still hate it when she asks me constant opinions on her hair.

Don't put the burden of your self confidence on your child.

I also don't think that projecting an image that looks are so important that not being "gorgeous" is worthy of such shame is really unhealthy when you're raising an 11yo girl

Me too @ilovehalloween and my 6yo has said I look like a clown when going on a night out before as I had heavy make up 🤣 but like a PP said if like me you're not used to putting on make up it's an easy mistake to make

If you aren’t used to make up but would like to give it a go is it worth going to a make up counter for them to do it and give you some tips ?

Ah OP. I’m sorry. Kids are brutal!

What were you wearing, make up wise? Maybe someone can help you find a more natural look.

I look like a drag queen in a full face of make up. I just do. But day to day I wear a natural BB cream and a bit of blusher and that is enough for me. Mascara and lip gloss if I’m really making an effort but any more than that just looks wrong on me.

I’m sorry you are feeling so bad about yourself

I wonder how much of this your daughter hears. Is it totally normal for her to hear you spoken about in negative terms (by yourself). If you are not kind to yourself you aren’t modelling kind behaviour to her, and also not teaching her the life skill of self worth

Honestly. I wouldn't think too much on it. If you don't wear make up, you probably don't know how to apply it.

I'm older now, but modelled for years. I've had make up artists make me look stunning. When I try and put my own full make up on? Drag queen. And a shit drag queen at that. I just don't know how to do it.

I look better when I just have a little bit on, if I'm the one applying it. Go to a local MUA and get her to teach you how to apply a quick face of feminine make up.

It sounds like you're relying on a child for your emotional wellbeing which isnt right.

Not really related to the make-up issue, but please be aware that you are going to be damaging your relationship with your daughter through the way you handle situations like this - you say I scrubbed it off and put my hair up in a ponytail, bunged on jeans, jumper and boots and went to the theatre with them —wearing my dog walking coat to make a point— now I know it’s not DD’s fault and I have told her this - well, if it's not her fault, why "punish" her by going out dressed like a scruffbag to make a point? Your choice to dress like that was directly related to her comment. Ergo, her fault. It's a totally passive aggressive way of dealing it, and your actions are in direct conflict with your words, which is really confusing for the child in this picture.

As previous posters have said, it depends on the conversation, but as a parent you should have either a) not set your child up in this conversation where you asked her to judge your appearance or b) having got into this conversation, take that opportunity to talk to your child about how what she said could hurt and different ways that she might like to say things that could be kinder. It'll be a good skill for her to develop so she doesn't say similarly tactless things should she find herself in similar situations with friends etc.

Secondly, you are a key role model for your daughter, so talking negatively about your own appearance is going to shape her concerns and fears about her own. She's going to get enough messages from society about people's value lying solely in their appearance, and you need to build your own confidence and self-belief that you have value beyond what you look like, so you can be a healthier role model in that respect. Depending on where this self-loathing is coming from (I am sure you're not "ugly" - perhaps not "conventionally beautiful", but ugly, no), you might want to consider some therapy to unpick the root causes, so you can be a positive role model for your child to help support her own self-esteem to not be overly contingent upon her looks. It is hard though, and getting harder with social media and filtered selfies reinforcing quite narrow definitions of "beauty".

I wouldn't be too concerned about your DD's comments. She's 11 and sometimes they just have no filter.

What makes me sad is your opinion of yourself. You're not ugly. Nobody is ugly. I promise. We're all beautiful and amazing but sometimes we just can't see it.

As for makeup ...… it's an art to do it really well. I don't wear any as a matter of course. When I do put a bit on then I have a bit of colour but nothing much more. But ….. when I had my makeup done professionally a couple of times, I looked, well ….. gorgeous

Butt, you know what? A smile, love and a caring inner soul are so much more important.

for you

Nice way to go about inflicting your insecurities on your 11-year-old daughter, OP.

I've no idea what your relationship is like. She may hate the thought of the mum dolling herself up. She may have blurted out the first thing that sprang to mind. She may have thought that you did look like a man in drag. Who knows?

The point is, if you want a proper assessment that actually helps, you go to a professional at any makeup counter (Bobbi Brown and Mac staff are usually quite good, I find). They can give you proper recommendations and help you to find what works and doesn't work on you.

Stop asking your daughter for advice on your makeup. Or your weight or clothes, for that matter. You are hurting her.

Missed this bit: —wearing my dog walking coat to make a point—

FFS, woman. Get a grip.

I once was out in a bar, thought I looked nice and was experimenting with a ‘statement lip’ ...and a random bloke came over and told me I looked like a child who had got into her mother’s makeup drawer and painted a clown mouth on.
So, yes I hear you OP. Sometimes it all comes crumbling down. But I still wear red lips, you can’t put the onus on your self esteem in your DD as said ypthread. And you can’t show her that he difference between having a good day and a shite day is getting your makeup wrong.
for you though! Go to a make up counter and have a make over, the grown up ones - Bobbi brown, layers mercier and Chanel imo are good and don’t do the drag queen look - which is quite in anyway so....!

☝️ I agree.
Eleven is a really hard age, a lot of kids are massively insecure particularly about looks. It is NOT like asking an adult. But you have acted like a stroppy teenager reacting the way you did. Really not fair on your daughter.
Do you have a partner? Would have been better to get a confidence boost from them I think. I second recommendation to get make up consultation at a department store, if that’s something you’re insecure about and want to get better at. Not that you have to wear make up but sounds like you want the option?!

I also think you were being unfair on your DD, punishing her subtlety for giving her opinion when you asked for it. If you were unsure about your make up being OTT then you could have toned it down, not scrubbed it all off and changed your clothes. Agree with people who have said go and get a make up lesson from someone on a counter in a department store. I have done that several times and it helps a great deal.

KingBobra What a wise, thoughtful, considerate answer. I hope the OP reflects on your reply.

Any chance she was trying to make a joke?

Who tells you that you look ugly?

You sound incredibly fragile and lacking in normal resilience OP.

How can you have got to your age and not have a reasonable objective idea of how you look?

Stop playing passive aggressive games against your dd. You wore simple clothes 'to make a point' i.e. to punish her for her honesty. WTF? That was a horrible thing to do.

Stop hanging your self esteem upon what your poor dd says. She does NOT deserve that burden. It's not her job ot look after your mental health. That's a really unreasonable, inappropriate pressure you're placing upon her.

Please grow up and take responsibility for yourself and your own mental health. Seek professional help if you need it.

I suspect what the problem is, is that you don’t usually wear makeup

So your daughter hasn’t really seen you in it.

Do what all teenagers do, and the rest of us previously.

Practice

Start with some mascara

I recently discovers that Boots do a really good foundation, that isn’t too heavy, and gives a nice light coverage.
No 7 Essentially Natural Foundation, took me a couple of attempts to get the correct colour.
Get a pink/rose/ natural looking 💄 lipstick.

Start that way, then get a coral/ rose blush, start that way.

Start muted and see how you feel.

And treat yourself to a nice hair trim, and maybe highlights, but go somewhere good, my last hairdresser gave me three mad stripes. 😀😀

Good luck, and feel better about yourself.

Just explain that it was mean. Otherwise she'll end up one of those delightful people who are rude and hurtful as they're just "telling it how it is".

I don’t think you worse simple clothes to punish your daughter, you did that to yourself, because you felt so bad.

We’ve all felt like this.

Be kind to yourself.

And my best tip, watch cheerful programmes, films, listen to happy music, play with the dog, buy an ice cream ( chilly weather, but worth it)

I once had my make up done for an event - I did actually look ridiculous and dd told me I looked like a drag queen - she was right so I toned it down a lot. I have no confidence in my looks but that wasn’t criticising the looks, but the make-up.
Maybe your dd wasn’t used to seeing you in make up or it was a bit heavily applied. I’m sure she didn’t mean harm by it.
Just revert back to your normal style and I’m sure you look fine.