Told I look like a man wearing makeup

[Smellbellina]

To be fair I did ask and DD only answered honestly, which is better than the alternative. I scrubbed it off and put my hair up in a ponytail, bunged on jeans, jumper and boots and went to the theatre with them —wearing my dog walking coat to make a point— now I know it’s not DD’s fault and I have told her this but I feel so ashamed. I try to make an effort and I look stupid, I make no effort and I am ugly. I tried to get out of going tonight as I just don’t want to be seen in public. This isn’t actually an option though (work) and I don’t want DD to feel bad although I do think she could learn to be kinder. At the same time I never want to eat or be seen in public ever again!

Who told you you were "ugly" when you 'make no effort'?

I don't wear much makeup, usually just face cream with a light foundation in it and concealer for work. If I add mascara and lipstick, it's because I'm doing something different (like open evenings, meeting with teachers, etc).

My children always always clock it because it's 'different' and they usually think it's hilarious that I'm off to see and tell some teacher off. Politely. At least that's what they associate it with.

I am certainly no Supermodel (who is?)! but use make up sparingly and like to "dress up " every now and then .Just a thought ,but at 11 she is approaching Puberty. She may be uncertain of herself and seeing you all dressed up ,may have unsettled her at that moment .Tell her she has to be more tactful in future ,as she may well lose chums is she continues to be so blunt! Why on earth should you not go out or be seen eating in public FFS! I am a plus size, and have no problem going to Restaurants and so on .No one looks like Twiggy there either! Please just go out and enjoy yourself ,everyone is too involved with their particular group /couple whatever to take any notice anyway !

I wouldnt mind betting she is not used to seeing you in makeup and didnt like you looking different. You do seem to have worries about how you look which is a world away from this conversation

Perhaps she was just trying to be funny

Christ. I feel sorry for your daughter. Mother asking a question, not liking the answer, then throwing a strop and demonstrating. You sound like hard work and just as mature as your 11 year old.

I kind of regret posting this now but thank you some of you have made me chuckle and I am a little relieved to know that I am not the only woman who can’t carry off makeup!

To be fair to DD I did ask and she was truthful, I’d put on lipstick and somehow lipstick (and eyeshadow which I never wear) does make me look like a man in drag, I don’t know why I just do.

I don’t know why it upset me so much, I think I just felt old and foolish. I don’t feel bad that DD saw it upset me though.

My 11 year old has autism and even she would know that was not a nice comment to make. She would say either you look nice or I dont like it. Your daughter is a nasty piece of work.

I would never in a million years ask a child under 18 years old how I look. It is on a hiding to nothing. They are too honest and I actually just want someone to tell.me I look lovely, even if I do look like a man in drag. The only time I want Colette honesty about my appearance is if I have food on my face, or a hem that has come down or something like that. Otherwise, I prefer white lies if it makes me feel better. Honesty is often overrated I find

Sounds like you're not used to using it and you maybe use too much.

If you're bothered, go to a department store and have a demo. Try more than one brand and make sure they understand 'natural' and 'minimal'.

And your daughter needs to learn some tact. Try helping her with that.

please dont call a stranger's 11 year old daughter Nasty.
this is quite uncalled for

I very rarely wear make up and am the wrong side of 50 now, so I find it to be more aging than otherwise.

However, when I do wear it, for occasions or concerts, then my boys (7 and 12) usually tell me I look beautiful.

Your DD was not "just being honest" (if she even was!) but unkind.
There's never any need for people to be that way unless they intend to wound.

I'm sorry that your self-confidence is so low that you allow the unkindness of a prepubescent tween to hurt you more. I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.

I would never in a million years ask a child under 18 years old how I look. It is on a hiding to nothing. They are too honest

^this. Generally a good thing but you need some confidence to start with

I don’t feel bad that DD saw it upset me though.

No, because apparently it's all about you and not about how your bad behaviour will probably have affected your dd. You still need to apologise to her for spoiling the evening with your antics.

To add to my last post, which I'd started earlier and then not updated (but now I've read your latest post) - too much make up does make me look dreadful! I allowed myself to be a model for a Nutrimetics make up demo recently and dear god the mess I looked afterwards! (I mean, probably not, but to my eyes I did... just so OLD!)
Less is more the older we get, I found.

Her comment was unkind but I agree you shouldn't be basing your valuation of how you look on the opinion of your 11 year old dd. First off what do 11 year olds know about fashion advice for someone in their 30s or older, secondly as your dd she isn't going to be objective many 11 year olds think their own mum is sooo embarrassing when other 11year olds would think they were fine, or as pp said only want you to look your normal self as that is their comfort zone.

We don't all fit the conventionally attractive or feminine mould but it's ok to look different and to dress in a way that makes you happy within certain limits. I think it's an important lesson to learn and to pass into your young dd. Don't be judgemental about looks your own or other peoples, and don't accept judgement from others, be who you want to be and try to surround yourself with nice accepting people who are also non judgemental in that way.

@Karabair stop it you’re killing me here 😂

op, I’m sure you looked fine.

But I’m wondering how make up made you look like a man?
I’d expect a child to say you look like a clown, or that you just look ‘silly’ ( kids can be very honest ) but a man?
Is it the pantomime dame thing?

I usually avoid wearing make up and if I do it’s only BB cream, eye liner, eyebrow pencil and mascara, because I hate the feel of make up on my skin. So I suppose the fact that it makes me look stupid anyway is kind of a win win situation.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad I had my make up done professionally once for a wedding, she put lots on ‘for the photo’s’ I looked terrible, even IN the photos, no one could deny it.

And yes now I’m older it’s worse, if anything it just seems to highlight my wrinkles!

I'm glad you can laugh me off. So why couldn't you do that with your 11 year old DD? Why did you try to spoil the evening?

@dirtyrottenscoundrel without makeup I look like a —plain— woman, add a bit of lipstick and/or eyeshadow and bam I suddenly look like a man in makeup.

Op, it wouldn't be normal for make up to make a woman look masculine. Nor easy to achieve. The only way that can happen is if it's really badly applied. Aka the drag look.

Maybe go to. Make up counter for a quick make over with some light natural looking products, to see if you like the look and if it makes you feel better.

I very much remember when I was about 10/11 my mum who never wore makeup coming through before going out for a meal looking (to me) very heavily made up and not good in my eyes but I think it's just because I'd never seen her wear any makeup ever before!

Not only did I not say that to her because I knew even at that age it would be fucking horrible to say something rude like that. I ran up to her and said I hope you have fun tonight mum you look lovely (and in my head I wasn't lying because she had put a dress on)

You need to address your own issues here around your appearance. You reacted unusually IMO towards what your 11 year old DD said. Why does what an 11 year old says about your appearance make you feel so vulnerable? Why are you putting their opinion over your own? You then take it further saying you're ugly, don't want to eat or be seen in public again. This is extreme, and you need to see your GP to ask for help with your emotional reaction and self esteem issues.

^Completely agree. Also I would have just laughed off that comment. Someone people on here are way too precious.

@Smellbellina I don’t know why it upset me so much, I think I just felt old and foolish

OK, but what about the not wanting to eat and be seen in public again? The feeling of shame?

Some of your updates feel like you're making light of what you said happened. I'm not sure if it's because you're feeling defensive at some of the replies (but ii's AIBU so some replies can be harsh) or it's because the thought that your own self esteem is so poor that you don't want to look too closely as to why that is.