Told I look like a man wearing makeup

[Smellbellina]

To be fair I did ask and DD only answered honestly, which is better than the alternative. I scrubbed it off and put my hair up in a ponytail, bunged on jeans, jumper and boots and went to the theatre with them —wearing my dog walking coat to make a point— now I know it’s not DD’s fault and I have told her this but I feel so ashamed. I try to make an effort and I look stupid, I make no effort and I am ugly. I tried to get out of going tonight as I just don’t want to be seen in public. This isn’t actually an option though (work) and I don’t want DD to feel bad although I do think she could learn to be kinder. At the same time I never want to eat or be seen in public ever again!

If you go from always wearing no makeup to whacking on a full face with presumably poor application / ill suited colours because you rarely wear it, can see how you would look odd.

But if you just use a well colour matched foundation / tinted moisturiser, filled in even brows & highlight your natural features with nude colours then in theory this should just enhance your features & not make you look odd at all.

Calling you a man for wearing makeup doesn’t make sense either. Can understand being called a clown, but makeup is not gendered towards males & is seen as a “feminine” thing.

prawnsword I was reading it as the DD said "you look like a man who's wearing makeup" rather than "Ewww you're wearing makeup which makes you look more manly"

Well that makes more sense. Also the way the OP describes the rest of their wardrobe sounds a bit saggy or just not fashion focused which could be see bc as more “manly” - jeans, boots & a coat could look cute or daggy, it depends. I predict it’s the makeup colours & application that are wrong here. Makeup should in theory make you look better. If it doesn’t, you’re doing it wrong, basically.

Before judging the daughter - a lot of people who don’t regularly wear makeup regularly end up looking like bad drag queens. it takes a lot of practice doing it well.
And for my part i would prefer to know when the usual “you look amazing” said to people out of politeness who look anything but
Go to s makeup class - makeup requires loads of practice, especially if its supposed to look naturally beautiful

Unless op says how the converstation went, I think it's really off to judge an 11 year old.

Look at ops reaction. Scrubbed it off, p
Even changed her clothes and out on her dog walking coat to make a point.

As pp said theres a huge gap between loads of make up and dressed yo and going out in you dig walking coat, to make a point.

My mum used to ask questions about how she looked. If you said she looked lovely she would spend all night saying that we lied and made a fool of her. If we tried to be tactful, she would push and push asking leading questions, I can fully imagine the converstation between my mum and me and my siblings, where someone ends up saying something wrong.

If the 11 year old walked in the room and aent 'why are you wearing so much make up? You look like a man' then, yes, she does need tackling. Or if you said 'how do I look?' And her answer was 'like a man'. Then she does need tackling.

But the going to the point that you didnt just put on a coat but picked out the dog walking coat suggests, to me, that the OP is game playing.

Either way, mean 11 year old or mum playing games. It's not a healthy set up.

I don’t think she’s being rude as such. I too look like a man in drag wearing make up. I have large features and wrinkly olives skin;neither of which lend thenselves to looking good.

Not sure why you don’t want to get seen in public again, Just go out in nice clothes without makeup. Like lots of women do.

Am I right in thinking you rarely wear make up op? I remember the first time I saw my mum wear make up for a wedding. She never wore a scrap of it and it meant she just looked far too different to me!

Even as an adult, when she wears a bit I really notice it and it feels like it looks "bad" but it just looks different. Once I get used to it she looks fine! I wonder if it is the same for your daughter? If you never wear make up the trick is to make it very subtle.

I think you’ve invested far too much in your daughter’s comment. She is 11, still a child and actually may have been matter of fact about it as opposed to nasty.

Next time don’t ask for her validation about your appearance. You’ve probably made her feel quite shit and ashamed to be honest.

If you don’t feel confident with makeup, don’t wear it.

I have a big nose and red rimmed eyes.
Some make up seems to show those up (eg putting eyeliner round my eyes) whereas having my eyelashes dyed makes me look prettier. My nose is more ignorable without makeup spread over it (whose light colour shows up my large nostrils). Having my eyebrows dyed gives my face shape. (not big black ones). Subtle lipstick makes my mouth a better shape.
Try some of the above and see how you look rather than plastering on a mask like layer.

A nice hairstyle is the best flatterer for me. Can you invest in that.

If you are uncomfortable after your DD's (rather unkind) comment, (and I'll bet you looked great and she was just being a sarky kid and not thinking how hurtful it would be) why not go and get a free makeover and advice from one of the beauty stands at the big shops, or at Body shop?

You can ask advice and don't have to buy the product, but it will give you an idea of what suits you.

We all need our look updating occasionally.

Alternatively, put her up for adoption. (Kidding! )

I try to make an effort and I look stupid, I make no effort and I am ugly.

I’m guessing that this isn’t an isolated incident. Forget what your 11 year old said and think about you bigger picture. If you frequently feel so down about your appearance then you need to address it.

Unless op says how the converstation went, I think it's really off to judge an 11 year old.

Exactly. It's a massive leap from what we know to assuming the daughter is some deliberately rude, hurtful child who needs a good talking to and to be told no one will ever like her.

Well said @Kittenance. I also agree with @Iggly.
It’s ok to be you. You don’t need validation from anyone except yourself. Do you know why your DD’s comment has affected you so much? Perhaps have a think about that, and get to the root of what’s going on here.

dd told me i looked like Miss Trunchbull when she was a similar age

i think i told my mum she looked like Dick Emery when she put on a curly wig
oh and i also said she looked like a guineapig once,

i guess i had it coming

Your DD sounds horrid! And you played fright into her hands by your over reaction to her comment

DD sounds like she has a nasty streak, that needs tackling.

Op, I'm not great at putting on make up either and have quite a blokey face........I made an appointment at boots a while ago, they did my make up using fool proof basics (( just mascara, foundation etc )) and I feel a lot more confident as a result. And I certainly wouldn't listen to any nonsense off an 11 year old.

i doubt she is nasty, i didnt believe my 11 year old was nasty, what a ridiculous assumption. just tactless
try youtube make up tutorials op,
did you over do the eyeshadow?

Chiming in as another person who looks like a bloke in drag if I wear (even the subtlest, professionally applied) make up. I just do. It can't be helped.

I've got a big hooter, thin lips and a big round face. So I just don't wear make up, ever, except maybe a tiny bit of mascara and nude lipstick if I HAVE to.

Has your DD been watching Rue Paul's Drag Race by any chance?

I'm astonished at the number of people (projecting, possibly?) being so unpleasant about the daughter. An 11yo shouldn't be put in a position of her mother asking her how she looks and certainly not of her answer (11yos can make ill judged jokes and say gauche things, they're 11!) causing an emotional upset and her mother 'making a point'. FFS, what is this teaching the girl about women and their value?

Basically what Anotherlongdrive said, although I would go further and suggest 'How do I look?' in itself is inappropriate.

OP, you sound as if you have some issues around how you look; your post sounds very distressed and tbh a little dramatic. But please don't project that onto your child. And the PP sticking the boot into an 11yo girl who is clearly getting some odd messages about women and looks from her mother should think about where they get their own attitudes from.

You did put your daughter on the spot and I am surprised that people are criticising her for answering your question honestly. Had she come out with this of her own volition it would have been different (and obviously unkind).

Oh, what Iggly said, too.

Given the plopped on here. Can you confirm that you are not male?

What @CatteStreet and other sensible posters have said- asking for validation on your looks isn’t ever a good thing. Unless you want to hear the answer, don’t ask the question. Especially of an 11 year old. I’d be interested how many of the nasty posters actually have an 11 year old girl? I’ve got a 10 year old who is a lovely girl but I’m sure she’d say things other people think are rude as she is still learning about social niceties as opposed to being honest- which is actually a hard line to find as I want her to be authentic but kind.
@Smellbellina save your theatre money and treat yourself to some counselling to discuss how you feel about your looks and possibly your relationship with yourself and others.

myself20208 Sun 03-Nov-19 05:44:45
Before judging the daughter - a lot of people who don’t regularly wear makeup regularly end up looking like bad drag queens. it takes a lot of practice doing it well.
.............
That's very true, I've seen it in real life and with characters on the television who probably looked younger and nicer without paint.

11 year olds come out with what they think and particularly with a parent who has, presumably, always insisted on honesty.