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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told I look like a man wearing makeup

163 replies

Smellbellina · 03/11/2019 02:16

To be fair I did ask and DD only answered honestly, which is better than the alternative. I scrubbed it off and put my hair up in a ponytail, bunged on jeans, jumper and boots and went to the theatre with them —wearing my dog walking coat to make a point— now I know it’s not DD’s fault and I have told her this but I feel so ashamed. I try to make an effort and I look stupid, I make no effort and I am ugly. I tried to get out of going tonight as I just don’t want to be seen in public. This isn’t actually an option though (work) and I don’t want DD to feel bad although I do think she could learn to be kinder. At the same time I never want to eat or be seen in public ever again!

OP posts:
Atalune · 03/11/2019 14:11

It was an unkind unthinking comment. You should have told her so!

Make up- less is definitely more as well get older.

Go to the bobby brown counter, they are super!

LuckySeventhWave · 03/11/2019 14:13

Kids are probably confused with all this gender issue stuff going on.
Men wearing makeup and women not wearing makeup and calling themselves men or women identifying as ironing boards and non-genders identifying as fridgefreezers.

I remember commenting on my Mum’s small bald patch when I was that age, but that’s because she was abusive and it felt like a little bit of retaliation for me. It really hurt her and I knew it.

Original poster
Smellbellina · 03/11/2019 14:13

your own self esteem is so poor that you don't want to look too closely as to why that is.

Could be this. It all seems a bit self indulgent today Blush

OP posts:
Babynamechangerr · 03/11/2019 14:20

Can people stop being cruel about an 11 year old child and the OP who's obviously got low self esteem.

Preteens / teens are rude and tactless all the time, of course they should be pulled up on it but it's pretty normal, I remember saying hurtful things when I was that age, which I'm Now ashamed of.

OP I'm sure you're not ugly and you looked nice in the makeup, you probably just looked different to normal which made your DD uncomfortable.

Fakeflowersaremynewnormal · 03/11/2019 14:24

Thinking about it in the cold light of day will prevent another episode like last night. You need to sort out your feelings at a time when things are fine and you aren't feeling emotional. Do you feel bad about your looks? Why is that? Do you need to change something or become more accepting of the way you are, or both. What about how you want to look if you go out or in some unusual situation, do you want to change the way you approach that? Think about it now while you aren't stressed and can have a cuppa and take your time to make good decisions.

MarshallPNutt · 03/11/2019 14:34

Your daughter is a nasty piece of work.

Fucking hell.

AnneKipanki · 03/11/2019 14:46

Tbh that is the style for a lot of youngsters these days .
Why don't you go for a make -up session and get some tips ?

diddl · 03/11/2019 15:47

I do agree with pps that the issue is that you took it so much to heart.

If I had asked my young daughter it would be a general "what do you think?" type thing, asked to include her as she would have been interested iyswim.

ALongHardWinter · 03/11/2019 18:39

My sympathies OP. My Dd,aged 10 at the time,once told me a pair of hooped earrings I was wearing made me 'look like a tart'. Even worse,quite a few years later,was when my late DM commented that a holiday photo of me 'looked like a man in drag'. That upset me even more.

MidnightMystery · 03/11/2019 18:48

I think it's the fact your daughter was the one who said it to you not a random person. Sometimes it's not what's said it's who said it type thing.

Rownenen1 · 03/11/2019 18:52

You are beautiful. You don't need to ask anyone's approval. Dd maybe felt embarrassed and said something stupid without atal thinking, she's only a child.
Regardless, how about taking some time to look after yourself and Learn again to love yourself and be the best you. Life is too short to feel as bad as this.
Take this event as a day one in self love and confidence jeorney. Your dd will also benefit from seeing her mother happy with herself Smile

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 03/11/2019 18:56

OP there are men who wear make up and pass or almost pass as women exceptionally well. If you have a masculine, defined face then in your shoes I would browse through the portfolios of lots of local make up artists and look for one who achieves the look you want. Even better if you happen to know anyone who could recommend someone. Then book yourself a one on one class with them. They will be able to teach you techniques to soften more defined parts and highlight other parts of your face. If you need a few classes then book them. You’ll feel far more confident in doing your own make up after being shown exactly where and how to apply the right products.

SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 03/11/2019 19:03

If it's any consolation myself son, when young, asked me if I knew I had a moustache . . . .

(I did Hmm)

SchadenfiendeUnmortified · 03/11/2019 19:04

*my son, not myself son

Don't know how the hell that happened!

Original poster
Smellbellina · 03/11/2019 21:37

@SchadenfiendeUnmortified I found my moustache in the mirror just the other day! 😱

Thank you for your kind posts, I will be honest I won’t go to any makeup counters or makeup artists as I can’t bear the embarrassment of us both seeing my face slowly merge into a man’s and politely trying not to mention it.

The funny thing is my face is really quite feminine, just not when it has lipstick and/or eyeshadow on it.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/11/2019 08:06

Honestly op, I mean this gently but your face won't emerge into a mans

Can uou explain how the conversation with your daughter went? What exactly was said and in what tone. There are some people on her abusing your child and that's never ok.

Whatthingsexactly · 04/11/2019 08:35

OP I’m totally with you in not going to the makeup counter or a makeup artist.

You don’t have to wear makeup ever if you don’t choose to. It’s totally OK to opt out.

It seems sad to me to see such a weight of the replies advising you to go spend time and money on getting “better” at makeup, despite them having no idea whether that’s actually what the crux of it is.

You don’t have to wear makeup if you don’t want to. Your face is just fine without it.

I’m so sorry you’re having those strong feelings of shame after your dd’s comment.

I once asked a friend how I looked, as I was wearing small heels, makeup, and a swishy skirt, which is not like me at all. He said I walked like a bloke and my face looked weird. Both true, both on the tactless end of things and hurty at the time.

Anyway, the answer here is not to get lessons in makeup, but to find a way to process the hurt and the reaction you felt so strongly. Your face is you, and feeling like you don’t want to be seen in it is a hard feeling to have.

Sending a big hug your way. Feel better soon. And give your dd a big hug too. She knows she hurt you badly and will likely be feeling awful and confused about why what she said triggered an avalanche of hurt for you.

myself2020 · 04/11/2019 08:41

@Smellbellina if your face is naturally feminine?m, but turns into a mans’ if you wear makeup, you are naturally beautiful, so no need for it.
makeup is there to help you look different. for some, that looks nice. for some it really doesn’t.
You are naturally beautiful, with no need to spend money and time on makeup!

Suenahmi · 04/11/2019 08:43

Smellbellina I really don't think anyone is ugly. Have you considered that you are one of the lucky few who just look better without make up? You don't NEED to wear it. You say you have a feminine face. Great. Do you have clear skin? Then show that!
Maybe if you need a boost get a haircut/change of hair style instead of faffing with make up.

I do wear makeup every day, so am not anti make up, i just feel you are putting pressure on your self to be who you think you should be instead of being who you are

666onmyhead · 04/11/2019 08:43

Could it be that she meant seeing you wear make up is as unusual as seeing a man wearing makeup ? Ie that you don't wear it much so it's a different look for her to get her head around ?
I don't wear makeup much unless someone is visiting or I'm going out.

NearlyGranny · 04/11/2019 08:44

11 and trying to be hurtful, more like!

NearlyGranny · 04/11/2019 08:48

This calls for a "Why would you say that?" moment with DD. Did she think she was being funny/clever/cheeky?

She needs to understand that was plain rude and very upsetting. If she's a loving child, she'll hug you and say sorry.

myself2020 · 04/11/2019 08:49

@Suenahmi i completely agree. some people just look amazing without makeup, but putting makeup on basically pushes them into “too much” territory (drag queen). their faces are already very feminine. i would think the op is one of them

MrsNoMopp · 04/11/2019 08:50

If you are female then you are what a woman looks like, make-up or not.

Are you wearing colours which blend into your skin tone? If someone wears colours which aren't right for them. there's a danger of the stage/clownish look. What is your colouring like and what makeup colours are you using?

cheeseandpineapple · 04/11/2019 09:06

Maybe the make up you’ve been using is too heavy or obvious on you rather than subtle and accentuating?

If it’s very obvious and your daughter isn’t used to seeing you like that then maybe she’s equating it with the OTT look of drag. Plus you did ask so she might have thought you were being light hearted.

If you’re not used to wearing make up you have to find what suits you and experiment a bit. Trial and error!

If you prefer yourself without make up then don’t bother with it or go for a compromise and just use a bit of mascara, a little bit of a relatively natural lip stick/gloss and a little bit of blusher for a slight glow on your cheeks. Blusher can be transforming in both a good and a bad way, if you’re in danger of over doing it and it looks like big red streaks on your face then best leave it and only have a bit of mascara and lip gloss. That should accentuate your feminine features and make you still look like you. Maybe also try a tinted moisturiser if you want something for your skin.

Post in the style and beauty section if you want some make up tips and let people know your colouring etc.

But as others have said, you’re tough on yourself and need to address that fundamentally.