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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

554 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:28

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

OP posts:
Thatsenoughjuststopit · 02/11/2019 09:33

My bubble would have deflated my now op, can't blame you for feeling the way you do.

Why not ask him to marry you?

GabriellaMontez · 02/11/2019 09:35

Could you be a bit more honest?!

Not brutal, but say some of the things you've said here instead of faking enthusiasm.

satanstoenailsandwich · 02/11/2019 09:35

He's being a bit silly about it but he says it's going to be before Christmas so just have patience. If he hasn't done it by the end of the year then you have a problem.

Original poster
PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:37

He's quite definite that he thinks the man should propose. I don't know what he's waiting for. There were 2 perfect moments this week - one walking on the beach and one in the restaurant.

If I say to him that I'm peeved off then I think it will spoil the whole thing for him, and I don't want that, but COME ON, it's so annoying how. I think I'm going to have to ask him not to mention it again until he does it. If he ever bloody does. 🙄

OP posts:
Adversecamber22 · 02/11/2019 09:37

Him keep going on and on about it would irritate me.

We had talked about marrying but quite briefly. It took more than one attempt for me to say yes but I was not that bothered about marrying or having dc, I was 30 at the time and building my career.

You need to communicate how your feeling rationally with him, it doesn’t bode well if you can’t tell him your needs and wants.

Original poster
PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:38

Had my nails done specially with little hearts on the ring finger....it's almost funny. I feel like an idiot! Confused

OP posts:
OttilieKnackered · 02/11/2019 09:39

Surely he has already effectively proposed if you have decided to get married? Just start planning. This appears to be literally about him giving you the ring.

OldEvilOwl · 02/11/2019 09:39

I would tell him not too keep going on about it every day

ChongADong · 02/11/2019 09:39

Surely if he has the ring, you both know you want to, you can just crack on planning without an actual proposal? I agree it's not very romantic and special, but if what you both want is to be married, surely that's the important thing? Just crack on x

MrsGrindah · 02/11/2019 09:39

I think last night was a deliberate red herring. He will do it when you least expect it. After all it’s not a surprise now is it so he needs to find some way of making it memorable.

Personally I couldn’t be doing with all the palaver but it’s obviously important to you.

Loopytiles · 02/11/2019 09:40

There is no element of surprise and the way he’s treated you over this is shitty. If despite this you still want to marry him, just say you’ve been v upset by his behaviour, want to set a date to get married.

You have DC, pointless pissing about like this! Doesn’t bode well that his behaviour has been hurtful, and you’ve said nothing and played along.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 02/11/2019 09:40

I would honestly say what you’ve said here.. I waited a long time to be engaged but I’m so glad my other half didn’t do all this carrot dangling gloating 😳

Alconleigh · 02/11/2019 09:40

If you've agreed you're going to get married next year and talked about it, what is the proposal actually for? The agreement is already there, surely?

priceofprogress · 02/11/2019 09:41

Gosh, just be honest!

I would have told him long ago that you’re excited about getting married/engaged but don’t want to hear about it any more until he is actually proposing because it’s taking the excitement and anticipation away. If you’re a couple who both know engagement is approaching and are both under the impression it will be a traditional him asking you at a time of his choosing deal, I think it’s kinda a bit cruel and childish of him to keep bringing it up constantly. Like he’s dangling it in front of you then pulling it away.

It’s MN so you’ll get plenty of ‘just ask him yourself’ and even more disingenuous, wide eyed ‘but surely if you’ve already agreed you’re getting married next year you are already engaged, just start planning now, congrats!’. But clearly you both are expecting him to formally propose, sounds like it’ll happen before the year is out but I really would tell him to stop mentioning it until he does it cos it’s getting pretty old and taking away the element of surprise.

Uponreflection · 02/11/2019 09:41

I would say, hurry up and get on with it then. I think you’re being too polite.

GorkyMcPorky · 02/11/2019 09:41

That's weird behaviour. Is he always so goady?

TheFaerieQueene · 02/11/2019 09:41

I think he is being unkind. Going on and on about it and then nothing is horrible behaviour.

Parker231 · 02/11/2019 09:42

He would annoy me. I’d tell him to shut up about it - it’s messing you around. I don’t see any reason why you can’t ask him?

DH didn’t propose. We discussed getting married and then booked the wedding we wanted.

Uponreflection · 02/11/2019 09:42

If he’s been going on about it since September and he hasn’t done it now it’s November, I would be concerned you will get to Christmas and he still doesn’t do it.

Adversecamber22 · 02/11/2019 09:42

I’m really glad I’m not romantic it sounds quite tiring.

MrsGrindah · 02/11/2019 09:42

Shit I’ve just read you are both in your forties! No sorry this is farcical. Tell him you don’t want any more empty words, you are going to start planning the wedding . You’d like the ring but you are not going to indulge his dicking around anymore, making you seem like a puppy begging for a treat. He’s annoyed me know!

MrsGrindah · 02/11/2019 09:42

Now

MiaFarrowsWheelbarrow · 02/11/2019 09:43

Has he really got a ring? Or is he using your thoughts of "the ring" as a form of control over you? Just think about this carefully, why is there such a big drama about the proposal and why is it being dragged out so long? Is it because he knows he can keep you compliant whilst he has the power, on a daily basis, to control your emotional response about this?

priceofprogress · 02/11/2019 09:43

Haha, cross posted with some of the types of posters I was talking about. OP has been pretty clear they’re both going for a traditional proposal, he has a ring. And that they don’t consider themselves engaged yet.

Honestly if you went by some of the weird things said on MN you’d think the first time a couple discuss marriage and both say they’d like to marry each other that they’re default engaged at that point and can plan a wedding. Like tradition, social mores and culture don’t exist for many people (whether you agree with them or not).

LucileDuplessis · 02/11/2019 09:43

YANBU. In the circumstances I would be gutted too! Do you think he planned it for last night and then bottled it at the last minute?