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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

554 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:28

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 02/11/2019 10:51
Grin Imaginary blow job plan wins
Queenest · 02/11/2019 10:55

It’s a shame because by the time he gets around to proposing you’ll be so over it, it could end up being a massive anti climax. And memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Ginseng1 · 02/11/2019 10:59

It's farcical & he does not sound one bit romantic. Be honest. by this stage I'd be like 'would u get on with it r be quiet about it'

PearlsBeforeWine · 02/11/2019 11:00

Has he bought that ring OP, or is that hypothetical as well?
. He sounds like a pig.

sarahjconnor · 02/11/2019 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DidntLikeRugbyAnyway · 02/11/2019 11:02

Just tell him you’re fed up of him going on about something he clearly isn’t going to do. I can’t work out why you haven’t spoken to him about how you feel. You want to marry him so communicate for goodness sake!

user1493494961 · 02/11/2019 11:05

If you've both decided you're getting married next year then start planning, why do you need a formal proposal, I can't see the point. Maybe you want lots of attention on social media.

joolzfromyork · 02/11/2019 11:07

Well when he finally does ...

Say 'Hmmm, not sure. I need to think about it ...

... But I'll definitely give you an answer by Easter ...'

Smile
Fifthtimelucky · 02/11/2019 11:07

I agree with many others here. I think either you have a traditional proposal, with one person (usually the man but not always) asking the other to marry them, and there being a risk that the answer will be no, or you have a discussion during which you jointly agree to marry.

The second version has already happened and I can't see the point of now having a traditional proposal. If he wanted to do it that way, he should have done it before! You've agreed to get married. You are engaged.

Storsteinen · 02/11/2019 11:14

I never understand these threads and all this fuss. You're in your 40s, you're not teenagers. You've discussed getting married and plan on getting married next year. Therefore you are engaged to be married. There is no need for a proposal because this has already happened.

He's being ridiculous teasing you about the proposal and saying he'll do it before Christmas. The cynic in me thinks he's wasting time deliberately - dragging his feet - so that you can't get on with planning a wedding and so that most venues will be booked up and therefore the wedding will have to happen later.

It would really piss me off if someone was going on like that with me.
I'd be suspicious that he doesn't really want to get married.

GnomeDePlume · 02/11/2019 11:17

This from @badgermushrooms
The very best interpretation of his behaviour is that he thinks you're enjoying the "anticipation" of having something you desperately want dangled over your head, like a child waiting for Christmas. So if you fundamentally think he's a good person who is just getting this one thing wrong, you need to tell him. If that ruins it for him...well he's already ruined it for you, hasn't he?

Absolutely.

Tell him.

Jaxhog · 02/11/2019 11:18

Ah, he's a romantic! Don't mention it, or even hint about it or he'll be put off. Irritating, I know, but he clearly wants to surprise you with an 'unexpected romantic moment.' My DH is the same.

RainingFrogsAndHats · 02/11/2019 11:18

Watching and hoping for a "he did it!" update. but I'm a soppy romantic

Cherrysoup · 02/11/2019 11:19

Tell him to shit or get off the fucking toilet. He is controlling you, excessively so.

Meshy23 · 02/11/2019 11:20

He wants to surprise you and last night was a red herring.

But.. for your sanity I would just tell him to stop going on about it as it will ruin the surprise when it does happen.

Also you know it will happen before Christmas so not long left now. If it doesn’t happen by then, then it’s time for a serious conversation or just get planning at that point.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/11/2019 11:21

It’s not romantic, it’s so controlling.

Tell him everything that you felt about that night you went out - how he’d made a big deal about it, and led you to believe he was going to propose, and how crushed and disappointed you feel.

And that no big romantic surprise will make up for this sense of being controlled and denied.

theoriginalmadambee · 02/11/2019 11:23

Are you sure you didn't eat it last night?

Anyway I wouldn't be able to help myself and would say no as a joke stringing him along as he has done to you.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 02/11/2019 11:25

You say you don't want to ask him to stop going on about it as it will spoil it for him - isn't him going on and on spoiling it for you? Why is that okay?

It should be perfectly okay when he next goes on to say 'please stop mentioning it.'

I agree it isn't romantic. He is purposefully keeping on you edge until he deems it 'the right time' to propose.

PicsInRed · 02/11/2019 11:28

My ex did similar. It was about control, mind games and punishment for when I didn't "deserve" it.

Knowing what I now know - with the benefit of hindsight - I would end it.

cunningartificer · 02/11/2019 11:29

If you want to marry him and think he’s not being controlling, then I’d just forget about it until after Christmas or it will drive you crazy. Imagine that you know he’s definitely going to propose on New Year’s Eve and fix this in your mind and behave accordingly—so all little comments you don’t react to.

Then if he does propose before then you’ll be surprised. If he doesn’t, you have an easy new Year’s resolution!

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/11/2019 11:30

Yeah this behaviour is reflecting really, really badly on him - is turning something which should be wonderful into something that is hurting you and making you feel insecure. He needs to know how it’s making you feel and he needs to fix it - or he’s a wanker.

EdWinchester · 02/11/2019 11:30

You're in your 40s and have kids? It's all rather silly. Just get married already.

GeneHuntLover · 02/11/2019 11:31

Apologies if I've missed it, but does he know you know he has a ring?

HotSauceCommittee · 02/11/2019 11:34

When he does ask, say “no” and explain that you’re not sure when you might say “yes” if he keeps proposing but that you want it to be a surprise.
I would have “ruined it” by telling him to shut up about it by now. I couldn’t be doing with it. I certainly wouldn’t be all excited and smiling it at the mention of it.
Perhaps next time he mentions it, could you lift your leg, fart and walk off?

64sNewName · 02/11/2019 11:35

Imagine that you know he’s definitely going to propose on New Year’s Eve and fix this in your mind and behave accordingly

But that’s such a weird mental burden of pretending to take on. OP shouldn’t have to invent ways of reframing reality to cope with her partner’s mind games.

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