Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

554 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:28

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

OP posts:
gingersausage · 02/11/2019 10:14

This is just so weird. It’s such an odd balance of power to start married life with.

How are you actually going to react when he finally does get round to it? Has he planned that too? What will happen if you don’t follow his script for that I wonder. Honestly it just sounds bloody tedious and the furthest thing possible from romantic.

BabyItsAWildWorld · 02/11/2019 10:14

You've already decided you're getting married. So the 'proposal' isn't really a proposal (as the course of action is already agreed) it's a bit of staged theatre to frame the decision.

It all seems a bit phoney to me.

Everyone will be 'surprised' and 'excited' about something they knew anyway.

You're in your 40s, you have kids, you live together - stop pretending this is a romantic surprise. Have an honest conversation along the lines of:

"Are we getting friggin married cos this palava is getting on my wick??"

Then laugh about it together - that's romantic.

Oldbutstillgotit · 02/11/2019 10:14

He doesn’t sound romantic to me, rather a manipulative , childish part .

AnnaMagnani · 02/11/2019 10:14

I literally do not understand your relationship.

You both know you are getting married. You both know it is next year.

So has he not, actually, proposed?

Next time he comes up with his 'I can't wait to marry you' malarkey, just say, brilliant, lets start working out a date and looking at venues and get the fuck on with it.

Yes, you may not get a romantic down on one knee proposal but you will cut out this crap and get married.

My DH never proposed. He asked me what it would be like if we were married crushingly how it would affect our tax situation Shock We had a short conversation, realised we were both on the same page and the following day started working out dates and venues.

No, it was not romantic. But our marriage is.

DBML · 02/11/2019 10:15

He had it less than 3 hours when he suddenly proclaimed he couldn’t take it anymore and presented to me there and then. 😂😂😂

This is so freakin’ cute! Lol! I can just imagine his bubbling excitement and it all spilling out.

Oldbutstillgotit · 02/11/2019 10:15

Prat not part ! One eye on rugby !

Savingforarainyday · 02/11/2019 10:15

This all seems a bit cruel to me

diddl · 02/11/2019 10:16

"How are you actually going to react when he finally does get round to it?"

Anyone else hoping that Op says no?Blush

plightofthealbatross · 02/11/2019 10:19

If I say to him that I'm peeved off then I think it will spoil the whole thing for him, and I don't want that, but COME ON, it's so annoying how. I think I'm going to have to ask him not to mention it again until he does it. If he ever bloody does.

This makes me think he doesn't actually want to get married ... he's making a big production, constantly mentioning it ... but you're not allowed to. He's waiting for you to ask him to get on with it so he can say you're 'ruined it' and now he's not going to until some other imaginary deadline.

Frankly, you're engaged if you're agreed you're going to get married. You just don't have the ring you appear to want. But it does sound like he's heel dragging on the actual marriage.

I would actually sit him down and ask him if he actually wants to marry you, because you're sad at the thought he might not.

Vanhi · 02/11/2019 10:21

I was going to say you should just propose to him, then you said "He's quite definite that he thinks the man should propose" and I realised that we're in territory I just don't understand. I mean you've agreed to marry each other so you're waiting for him to get down on one knee. Which is fine if you want to pretend you're in a Barbara Cartland novel but otherwise I just don't get it.

Each to their own but if you want to tie yourself to a man who thinks only men should propose, then it seems like this is what you need to deal with. Old-fashioned chivalry is just sexist claptrap.

vivacian · 02/11/2019 10:21

Everything about this scenario is bonkers.

Tell him you've changed your mind about getting married, you prefer things just as they are.

Boysey45 · 02/11/2019 10:21

Hes stringing you along and tormenting you/winding you up.
Lovely!, is he really such a catch?
I think he sounds a right cunt personally.

missyB1 · 02/11/2019 10:22

Oh Christ tell him to grow up! You two are in your 40s with kids! Just pick a selection of dates that would suit for the wedding and ask him which one to book for. Then get on with all the arrangements. Piss in his bonfire and Ignore the whole ring nonsense!! You have agreed you are getting married next year, so you can get on with planning it.

IDontLikeZombies · 02/11/2019 10:22

Oh dear, this doesn't sound very nice at all. Why is he waiting? He's let you know that you will be engaged by Christmas, its not going to be some massive big romantic surprise when he does it.

You know him best but from my brief reading of your story it sounds like both of you value his feelings above yours. I had a relationship like this and it was, without a doubt, the most soul crushing, miserable time of my life. I really hope this isn't the case for you guys but if it is please think very carefully about marrying.

RiddleMeThis2018 · 02/11/2019 10:23

Take my advice: when he tires of his silly mind games and does propose (he knows you’re expecting it on these occasions, and the heart manicure won’t have passed him by), if there’s a little voice inside your head whispering “just say no”, listen to it, and save yourself months/years of heartache when the same dynamic plays out over and over.

Ynci · 02/11/2019 10:25

Being “romantic” would mean he didn’t keep mentioning it but actually did it. Honestly I think he has spoilt the proposal already. I mean honestly, what is there to be surprised about now?

GabsAlot · 02/11/2019 10:27

Hes doing a chandler-he'll do it when you least expect it

Wheat2Harvest · 02/11/2019 10:27

He might be one of the many people (like me) who find public proposals cringeworthy - hence no proposal in the restaurant.

I can't help feeling, though, that the proposal and the ring are more important to you than he is.

Loopytiles · 02/11/2019 10:28

Why do you get that impression? Confused

vivacian · 02/11/2019 10:28

I can't help feeling, though, that the proposal and the ring are more important to you than he is.

Which is fine. What isn't fine is that he knows this and is still playing fucking mind games.

LadyAllegraImelda · 02/11/2019 10:29

Sounds to me as if he is enjoying the power of keeping you dangling, he's basically just feeding his own ego here. If you don't want to be blunt then I would start giving a few flat/tight/bored smiles. At the moment you are rewarding his behaviour with your grateful/eagerness. I'd find it quite insulting, like he's doing you a big favour.

Mrwoofington · 02/11/2019 10:30

Have enough people told you you're already engaged op?

I mean obviously the state of engagement is an agreement you both enter into with full understanding of what you're agreeing to, and neither of you feel you've done that - regardless of what other conversations you've had.
But sure, hopefully another 20 people will be along shortly to tell you you are engaged.

Women can start taking any conversation that have with a partner as fact too from now on. Don't know how many men I dated that commented oh yeah we'll have X babies, we'll get married next year etc etc.

I'll circle back around to them all now shall i, an agreement is an agreement you guys!!

BabyItsAWildWorld · 02/11/2019 10:30

He wants the suprise element.

But it's 'suprise!!' I'm going to ask you something we've already agreed, we know what we're going to do, but let's pretend it's new super exciting news.

It's all so fake and staged.
That's not romance - romance is genuine deep and stirring emotion.

We've been sold such a plastic view of romance.

Derbee · 02/11/2019 10:30

Can’t you just tell him not to mention anything until he proposes? Surely if you’re planning on getting married, you can talk to each other? You’re BOTH ruining what should be a romantic and lovey thing

namechangetheworld · 02/11/2019 10:31

One of my colleagues was in this almost exact situation. The only difference is that she and her then-boyfriend actually went ring shopping and she showed him the one that she liked. He went back and bought one of them later that week, told her that he'd bought it, and that he would propose soon. I think he did it about a two months later on a weekend away. It was all a bit bizarre to be honest. She knew he wanted to marry her, knew the proposal was imminent and knew what the ring looked like - what on earth was the point? Facebook likes I presume, although to their credit they do seem very happy now.

I'm very unromantic. DH and I decided to get married, went and chose and ring, and then planned the wedding. A proposal or fake, staged proposal would have absolutely mortified me.