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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up and disappointed by no proposal.

554 replies

PrettyTricky · 02/11/2019 09:28

This is quite lighthearted, but at the same time I feel quite miffed and a bit wtf?!

So, we've been together almost 6 years. We have been speaking about getting married and plan to next year though no date set. For months now my partner has been going on non stop about buying a ring, which apparently he now has in his possession- he keeps talking about it every day and saying how he can't wait to propose and that it will definitely be before Christmas. This has been going on since September now, and he mentions it all the time. All good. Was just waiting for the moment. Have kind of wished he would stop going on about it so much and just do it, but have tried to be patient.

We've had a lot going on the last while and made a big move to another part of the UK in summer which I have found particularly difficult. This week we went home for half term, and were child free as my dc was staying with family. I had been looking forward to this week SO much, and it's been fantastic. Weeks ago he made a big song and dance about booking a lovely restaurant while we were here which we went to last night, very romantic and one of my favourites. I had it in my head that this was definitely going to be the proposal, there could be no better time. He even hinted as much and I felt certain as it's the last time we will be child free before family visit at Christmas.

You know what's coming don't you? Well, I was all dressed up, all excited, thinking - this is IT. I swear every time he moved my stomach flipped over, starters came and went, main courses, dessert.....I even had a cup of tea to drag it out a bit in vain hope. Had a lovely time, but NOTHING. No proposal. No ring.

We go home tomorrow and are all booked up meeting friends and family today, so it won't be today. I've been quite irrationally miffed since we got back last night and I'm just thinking....would you just get the fuck on with it. He has the ring, I want to set a date and get planning, he had the perfect opportunity. What's the problem? We're in our forties, I'm over the faffing about, it's tiring, just ask already. It's not like he's gone off it, as this morning he's already been going on about how much he can't wait to marry me. It's all I could do not to shout "well bloody ask me, you twat".

I almost feel like he's spoiled it now, especially with the constant going on about it, it's just grating, and my enthusiastic 'oh I can't wait' responses are fast drying up and becoming 'just fucking do it would you, as I'm not getting any younger' (in my head clearly, I'm still trying to have good grace, but there's only so long I can keep it up).

Aibu to be disappointed and feel like it's just getting silly now?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 02/11/2019 09:57

I had exactly this. My DH had been banging on about proposing for ages. He arranged for my DD to be looked after and he arranged a romantic day out including lunch at a very fancy restaurant. I was certain he was going to propose! He didn't. Felt so deflated at the end of the day even though we'd had such a wonderful day out and he'd gone to lots of trouble. I didn't say a word about it. He proposed a week later when we were having a stroll. I didn't expect it that time at all! I'm sure your husband has planned it. Don't worry.

diddl · 02/11/2019 09:58

Oh goodness-have you considered leaving him?

Or failing that tell him to just hand the bloody ring over as you have decided to marry & are therefore engaged!

Do you think that you'll ever be able to agree on date for next year or that he'll keep stringing that out as well.

We decided to get married, popped into town the next day & chose a ring.

Told parents & friends, set a date!

littlepaddypaws · 02/11/2019 09:58

i would be so pissed of by the mind games, i wouldn't 'engage' with his 'excitement' any more, and move the subject along to something else. he might realise that you aren't chasing the carrot anymore and he needs to get on with it.
is this his first engagement /serious relationship ?

MajesticWhine · 02/11/2019 09:59

We are not very romantic. I seem to remember we just talked about getting married, told our families and then at some point went shopping (together) for the ring. None of this drama. I can see why you are fed up with it. He is being extremely annoying. I would tease him back, tell him you've had another offer and are considering it. Grin

CheeryB · 02/11/2019 10:01

Maybe he's planning it for Xmas Eve or Xmas day. I agree, it sounds really annoying. Having said that, we talked about getting married and then just did it. There was no "official proposal" as once we'd talked about it we went ahead and planned it. Neither of us had more control than the other about when it happened. We just discussed it and agreed a date. I didn't have an engagement ring as we married asap after we'd decided. I'd find it pretty irritating to be left dangling, to the point where I might tell him I'd think about it, when he finally asked.

billy1966 · 02/11/2019 10:01

Honestly OP, he sounds neither kind nor romantic and full to boot.

I couldn't be listening to that type of stupid conversation about being dying to marry me.

I think he is having fun at your expense.
He certainly is controlling you very effectively.

I would either ask him to stop speaking about it or get up and walk out of the room every time he mentions it.

I think you should tell him he has spoilt it for you by behaving like this and leave it at that.

If he gets all petulant, maybe have a rethink.

He sounds a bit of a prat OP.💐

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 02/11/2019 10:02

He sounds like a grade A twat to me. I agree with not engaging with him about anything marriage related.

hopeishere · 02/11/2019 10:03

That is really shitty and manipulative. I'd have a long think about accepting.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 02/11/2019 10:04

His behaviour is making you feel bad. Explain this to him, so that he can stop doing it.

Having this explained to him may very well make him feel unhappy (“spoil it for him”), but when you have been behaving in an idiotic self-centred way and this is pointed out to you, it is appropriate to feel unhappy.

Sulla · 02/11/2019 10:04

Sounds very controlling, not at all romantic!

Passthebubbly · 02/11/2019 10:04

Sam fairs is that you?😂. Joking aside my dh and I were in that exact situation and I ended up spoiling his proposal by getting upset that he hadn’t proposed on the very night he was planning to propose. Really took the edge of. Just tell him not to mention it again.

Loopytiles · 02/11/2019 10:05

Also, as you’re not married and have DC, so (unless you’re personally wealthy) would be at personal financial risk if working PT or SAH, do you work full time - or both work PT - with him doing 50% of the parenting and domestic work?

THAT would be romantic!

bookwormsforever · 02/11/2019 10:05

What weird and cruel behaviour. Not sure I’d want to marry him now. He’s dangling the ring over you like a carrot.

Loopytiles · 02/11/2019 10:07

Passthebubby, you didn’t “spoil” his proposal - over time he behaved in ways that upset you, and you understandably expressed this. He was at fault, not you.

64sNewName · 02/11/2019 10:07

Agree with this:

i wouldn't 'engage' with his 'excitement' any more, and move the subject along to something else. he might realise that you aren't chasing the carrot anymore and he needs to get on with it.

It is unfortunate though that you need to resort to this kind of thing, basically to protect yourself from the frustrating effects of his game-playing.

MarthasGinYard · 02/11/2019 10:08

'Had my nails done specially with little hearts on the ring finger....it's almost funny. I feel like an idiot!'

Sorry Op this did make me chuckle Grin

He's not one of those who'd do it in front of people and likes an audience is he, as maybe he'll whip out that illusive sparkler today🤔

Shodan · 02/11/2019 10:09

The next time he bangs on about being excited to propose just tell him flatly that you don't care any more, that's he spoiled it and crushed your enthusiasm for the idea.

It's a shitty thing to do, imo, to keep you dangling like this. Not in the least bit romantic.

Alarae · 02/11/2019 10:09

I think you need to tell him that while you are really looking forward to marrying him, it's not fair for him to be dangling the proposal in front of you all the time as it is giving mixed messages. Say you want him to do the proposal his way and surprise you, but to do that he needs to keep quiet about it until he does it. That way, there is no build up which could be misconstrued (like the restaurant meal).

He's given you a deadline as before Christmas so I wouldn't say anything much past asking him to chill out on the proposal talk as it puts you in an awful limbo period that you have no control over.

My DH inadvertently did this to me when he messaged me to say he bought a ring on Boxing Day. It got to the following July and no progress had been made so I told him to 'shit or get off the pot'. He proposed a month later.

I think you need to spell it out to your partner how much the build up/disappointment hurts and while you are fully behind him proposing how he wants, for peace of mind he just needs to chill out a bit so you can be 100% happy with no resentment when the time comes.

HumpHumpWhale · 02/11/2019 10:10

Yeah, I wouldn't worry too much at this stage about spoiling it for him, as he's already spoiled it for you! Just tell him you know he's waiting for the perfect moment but him continually talking about it has made you feel constantly on edge and it's now spoiling every romantic moment you do have because you end up disappointed that he's not proposed. It's not your fault he's made this into such a ridiculous production.

Seeingadistance · 02/11/2019 10:11

Until MN I honestly had no idea people carried on like this. For goodness sake, you’re not some helpless little woman in a Jane Austen novel, dependent on the man’s decision!

This is’t romantic, it’s weird and pathetic on your part, and weird and controlling on his.

Who can be arsed with this nonsense?

DBML · 02/11/2019 10:11

Next time he mentions it, laugh and tell him that his tactic of keeping you guessing started as fun, but is now turning into a series of mini disappointments as you keep expecting the proposal to happen. Say it in a lighthearted way to avoid completely bringing him down, when clearly he’s been thinking keeping you guessing is a wonderful idea.
Then tell him that you’d love to be able to forget about it for now, so when he decides to actually propose, you have that lovely surprise. So perhaps stopping mentioning it until you do it.
Again I stress that he seems to be a nice man who is just clueless about the hurt he’s causing you. I wouldn’t get upset with him over this. You can make your point whilst still being loving and lighthearted.

As for the ‘perfect time’, my husband has proposed twice to me. Once he was coming down the stairs and called out ‘Shall we just get married then?’. The next time was after our ten year anniversary and we were laying in bed on a Sunday morning. I had my head on his chest cuddling and he just said ‘I’d really like to marry you again. Just us, in the Maldives. How about it?’.
Both times were wonderful. There were no frills, no rings, no fancy restaurants. But I was overwhelmed with joy both times.

Happyspud · 02/11/2019 10:11

He’s kind of a prick for holding this over you like you’re some little woman waiting for your big proposal. Fuck that. Tell him you’ve had enough of this toying with your feelings and that you’re an equal partner here and if he’d wanted to be all ‘traditional’ about it he’s well and truly missed the boat because the fun and excitement has gone out of it for you and you now feel toyed with.

I hope to God this is just him being a bit ignorant and not a sign of him being the big man in your relationship.

diddl · 02/11/2019 10:12

I will admit that I just don't get this.

You've decided to marry, so what is this all about?

Seeing how much pissing about you will take?

Doesn't this twattery make you want to leave him?

morporkia · 02/11/2019 10:12

Next time he mentions it just 🙄 or start singing heard it all before heard it all before. This would drive me nuts. I’m so glad my DH tends to get over excited about surprises and spoils it for himself..example he planned to give me my eternity ting on our 1st anniversary, but bought it the weekend before. He had it less than 3 hours when he suddenly proclaimed he couldn’t take it anymore and presented to me there and then. 😂😂😂

MamaGee09 · 02/11/2019 10:13

THE Mind games of dangling this ring in front of your eyes is unfair.

I’d be pretty miffed at that however I always thought a proposal would be a surprise and unexpected. It was for me and everyone else I know too. I don’t know anyone who has been in the same situation as you.